Minisode #187 So-Cal Val's Nose

by iggy



November 24, 2010

Captain E-O is back.
So-Cal Val's day job
Satan uses Sunny.
Angry Jim has a new food delivery venture.
C.S. Irwin talks about So-Cal Val's nose.
Haiku about WWE's Top 50


#evil borg people #no time for turkey tips

Random Thoughts from the Office: November 26, 2010

Well Blah is right. I can't not talk about TNA shilling at Disneyland. What they really need though is Hulk Hogan on another sound stage doing Thunder In Paradise 3.

Actually it's not like it's the worst idea TNA ever had. Anything that might get more people looking at your product is a good idea. I'm just not sure the Disney audience is the place to start. I think they'd be more Six Flags.

But ultimately that's not what I want to talk about this week. In fact I don't even want to really discuss TNA, although they are just as guilty of committing this misdeed as the WWE. But Survivor Series and the Monday Night Raw the day after has got my attention this week and it's not for a good reason like they want it to be with The Miz winning the title.

Just why can't wrestling nowadays honor its stipulations? Is the quest for ratings and marketable stars that devoid that we can't go one week without John Cena or whoever might be fired and/or retired this week? And if so why should we as wrestling fans waste 40-50 dollars a month buying the pay per views when there's a pretty good chance the stipulation - if there is one -  isn't going to be honored, or if there's a title match we'll just see it again on TV the very next night?

It's a fundamental problem in wrestling nowadays and no one in the WWE especially seems to grasp that all it does is weaken your product. Let's look at The Miz's title win on Raw. The guy who's arguably been the top heel in the company for the past year finally getting what was his due and winning the WWE Title and becoming the champion everyone wanted him to be. A good moment? Definitely but the point I'm trying to make is it should have meant so much MORE than what it did.

The problem is of course the WWE has pushed predictability too far.Whereas TNA just choose the most stupid option to "Swerve" the fans, the WWE just doesn't seem to care if the fans get it or not. The moment for Miz was wrecked because everyone knew he was going to win the title the moment he cashed in Money in the Bank. While we like to follow the story and predict where it goes because we are wrestling fans, there comes a point where it becomes so predicable the other guy, in this case Randy Orton doesn't have a shot, that's bad.

Let me put it this way: Let's just say for a moment Miz cashes in Money in the Bank just like he did on Raw, the match goes just as it did on Raw....except when Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale Orton slips out the backdoor and hits the RKO to win. Miz, shocked and horrified, snaps and destroys Orton, literally beats him to the point where Randy not only can't defend the title but may not ever wrestle again it seems. It gets Miz over as a dangerous man, a man who can end careers and more of a main event threat than just handing the belt on a silver platter. Miz may then go on to win the belt at the Royal Rumble and just as he starts to celebrate, here comes Orton from the crowd to get revenge. Only Miz somehow escapes. Instant Wrestlemania Main Event, Randy Orton is finally cemented as the babyface you want him to be and you have a bankable heel in the main event for years to come.

But it's John Cena that angers me more. Let's get one thing perfectly clear: If it wasn't for Roddy Piper, Survivor Series would have been the biggest bomb ever seen since Heroes of Wrestling. Because the WWE failed in the one thing they had to do above anything else: Make John Cena seem conflicted.

Can you imagine back in the day around Summerslam 88 when Randy Savage was then WWF champion, with Hulk Hogan somehow losing to Andre the Giant so he had to join the Heenan Family? It can be Ted DiBiase becoming come his servant, it's not important; the key aspect is Hogan losing and being forced to join a heel group, just like Cena was with Nexus. Now let's say at Summerslam Andre or Ted challenges Randy for the title, and through nefarious means (maybe for instance paying off Jack Tunney), Hogan is installed as guest referee with the same proviso Cena had. If Hogan helps the heel win he's free, if Savage wins he's fired. Can you imagine the promos that would've ensued as Hogan agonized over being the Hero to all his little Hulkamaniacs or keeping his job? It would've worked perfectly.

But with Cena? I don't hate John Cena as much as some but he doesn't have the ability to look sympathetic, though a lot of that is the WWE's fault, not his. He's constantly booked to "overcome the odds" to the point where some have cynically referred to him as "The Last Son of Krypton", a reference to his Superman-like ability to beat anyone. But even with that to then have Wade Barrett come out and say "Oh I want to hear what he has to say, so he can come back" is just a slap in the face to everyone who paid for Survivor Series and it tells people stipulations mean nothing. And when stipulations mean nothing, there's no reason to get emotionally involved, which becomes a huge problem, because if the fans aren't emotionally involved, ultimately they stop watching.

Ironically this is one of the few aspects TNA is BETTER than the WWE in, although it is hit or miss. Remember the XXX-America's Most Wanted wars? When Daniels and Skipper lost to AMW in the "Loser must disband" match, TNA to their credit adhered to it, even in their goofy gimmick matches for the X division title where they started with a tag match. Skipper had to tag with AJ Styles and Mike Tenay quickly explained this was because of the earlier match when Daniels and Skipper lost and even was able to get a dig at WWE in by saying something to the effect of "Because here in TNA we honor our stipulations". And for the most part they always have, even to the point where it seems stupid to do so.

Stipulations aren't everything in wrestling but they form a critical part of the structure that has worked since wrestling began. If the fans believe in them they will follow you to the ends of the earth. Once stipulations fail however, you're left with nothing but your titles to sell your company with.

Not that wrestling makes their belts mean anything either, but that's a whole other column.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

187 The Final Frontier...Of Crap!: November 24, 2010

80 minutes

RD gives a disclaimer: This episode was recorded on Monday night, around the same time that the Miz defeated CM Punk to become WWE Champion. Obviously BM is not happy.

Sad News: Jillian Hall has been released. Blade wants to ring a bell for her. Luke Gallows was also released, but since he was basically Blade's clone he doesn't really care. Also, Blade looked Husky Harris on the days that he didn't look like Brian Pillman.

With the previous episode being really good (in their opinion anyway), they thus have the fearful thought that today's would not be terrible in response...like Star Trek III. I don't know, it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, have they seen the recent J.J. Abrams movie?

Or the Voyager episode "Threshold" for that matter.

Old School RAW somehow brought back Lord Alfred through a terrible impersonation, so Blade counters with HIS terrible Lord Alfred impersonation. Needless to say it sounds too Oriental, like Christopher Lee when he played Fu Manchu. (Assuming anyone could see him anyway.) They thus wonder how Global Internet's Greg's voice impersonations would go. (Probably surprisingly well, in my opinion.) Blade gets strange dreams dozing off while listening to them discuss Craig DeGeorge on earlier episodes. Also for Thanksgiving, a special treat: All 6 WC DVDs can be yours for just $21! (Too bad I already have them all.) Be warned though, their books now look different somehow.

:24 RD took another trip to Disneyland in the last few days. While waiting in line to Captain EO he saw someone shill for the TNA taping taking place nearby. Needless to say, few came. (Now why do I feel Clarence will write something about this this week?) Also for some reason some promotional advertising Shrek 4D seemed to involve SoCal Val. The two wonder on the mystery of her vanishing nose.

:39 A George Foreman biopic may have Ernest "The Kat" Miller in the title role. [No doubt this will have George calling someone's momma after he gets "Rope-a-Doped" - Clarence] On the other end of the movie making business Joanie Laurer attempts to squash rumors she is making another porn movie. Why would she? In her situation it would actually be a step up for her! SPEAKING OF the strange things people do,  Blade's ex-girlfriend got angry over yet another picture of a wrestling diva.

:51 The Devil makes another call in. He reveals his plan of taking over the world through Social Networking sites. This time Tammy Sytch is angry at WWE yet again for passing her by on their Legends show. Then Satan wishes the Fruitcakes a Happy Thanksgiving. He's nothing if not considerate, I'll tell you that.

:56 Jim Ross calls in, angry as ever, especially considering he was recently in the Legends show. He's making his time losing money by selling turkeys from ice cream vans. Needless to say it did not go well. Now, if he had just brought turkey flavored ice cream...

Meanwhile Mickey James is going to have Meet & Greet in Virginia. Of course Blade would probably miss his chance to go see her.

:66 John Kelly calls. There are rumors that Hogan's gotten married to someone who is looks like Brooke. His puns are all over the place in response, causing  RD  to finally admit he doesn't think of him as a good TNA correspondent any more. This means only one thing - he's going to have a 'tragic' death soon. I fully expect Jimmy Smits to replace him for the role.

:71 The latest DVD release of the Top 50 Superstars in WWE History did not go well with many people, due to the fact that Hogan is #23, ahead of Bruno Sammartino.

Seventeen (plus Five) Syllables of exception to it.
Top 50 Wrestlers.
What a total load of shit.
Where are Ax and Smash?/Where is Adonis?

RD "I don't think a lot of people will be thankful for this show."

Minisode #186 Beef Jerky

by iggy



November 5, 2010

New sponsors
Angry Jim talks beef jerky.
Sir Alec returns.
A question from Russia
C.S. Irwin hosts The Feud.
Linda loses.
Hulk exposes.

#you're rude # video toaster

Random Thoughts from the Office: November 5, 2010

Wait? This isn't a swerve? There actually was a Wrestlecrap Radio this week? Back to back weeks? Well that's just great, I actually didn't mind the two shows I've seen so far this week (Raw and Impact) so how am I supposed to put out a column when I have no material? Well I guess I'm going to have to.......

*Clarence looks in trash can*

Hello!

Ahhh the old "Break in case of emergency" column, the one I was hoping I never had to use. Regular readers may remember how I thought Mickie James joining TNA was a bad idea, an idea that worsened when Katie Lea Burchill joined. I mean forget pay for a second, as bad as that is it's not the fundamental problem of the Knockouts division. There's a much greater problem that I see with them that disappoints me more than that. That being: The fact that what once was a place where womens' wrestling might have had a chance to thrive is now a cheap WWE ripoff.

Now regular readers also may remember I shelved the column a day before I meant to post it because I watched Victory Road 2009 and decided I needed to go a different direction, but I said then I'm sure I'd have a reason to bring the column back someday. I just never thought "Lack of material" would be my excuse, especially with TNA doing such stupid things on a regular basis and things in the WWE like the NXT wedding, but that was more "funny" stupid than "I can make a column" stupid. Not that I like being negative, hey I liked a lot of Bragging Rights, just like I liked a lot of Bound for Glory. But I find I work better in the negative than the positive.

Which brings me back to the Knockouts Cheap WWE Womens' Division Ripoff. Back in 2007 TNA began the Knockouts division, putting out promos that said they were more about the athleticism of the women rather than them being quote unquote "Barbie Dolls" (Why they centered these around Christy Hemme then is a mystery because when I think athletic womens' wrestling, she's not exactly at the top of anyone's list). They created a title and put it on one of the best female wrestlers going around, Gail Kim, and for a while as they brought in talent like Awesome Kong, Melissa Anderson (Alyssa Flash to the TNA fans) and others they looked for a while like they were going to live up to the hype, and for the first time on a national level womens' wrestling looked like it was going to be something to be respected.

But things change and opinions change, and TNA ended up doing the same thing every national federation has done with womens' wrestling and what every national federation will continue to do in the future. They went back to the lowest common denominator. It all started with the debut of a stable called "The Beautiful People", Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Madison Raine. Three gorgeously hot women no doubt and athletically they are competent in the ring, but the fact remains, for the first time looks outranked athletic ability. And Angelina, who if I were in a crueler mood I might mention looks like she graduated from the Jillian Hall school of how to get on TV, was pushed to win the Knockouts title.

Not that they're not at least window dressing down the list. Sarita, Taylor Wilde, Hamada, Daffney, they can all wrestle. They recently tried out SHIMMER star Jennifer Blake so perhaps they're aware of it. But the final nail in the coffin for the Knockouts division was the announcement that they had signed a deal to have their wrestlers pose nude in Playboy, just like the WWE did so many years ago. At that point in my opinion the whole circle was complete and athletic ability was pushed aside for looks.

Still TNA fans waited with baited breath to see who would be the first Knockout, as there were a lot of hopeful candidates. Melissa Anderson, manager/interview/part time wrestler. So Cal Val, Christy Hemme (even if she'd done it before in WWE), Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, the list went on and on. Then the big announcement came.

Traci Brooks.

And the whole thing pretty much went downhill from there.

Don't get me wrong. Traci had been the longest serving female in the company to that point, she was one of the better female wrestlers they had but....how do I put this delicately? Traci has two looks....or as I would say, she's an Either/Or. She's EITHER a passably attractive woman OR she looks like what would happen if the late Michael Jackson mated with your Tupperware set, had a child and that child got smashed in the face with a brick. It got so bad for TNA that Brooks wasn't even put in the magazine. Her photos were released in the Playboy Cyber Club, a place that most wrestling fans never even knew existed and even less would sign up to see (They'd wait for the photos to leak like every other wrestler who's ever posed in Playboy).

The current situation both confuses and irritates me. TNA had something going; womens' wrestling CAN be a solid key to a wrestling company, stand alone women's federations like SHIMMER have shown us that. Yet it seems that in the end women wrestlers will forever be disrespected on a national stage unless you have a pretty face, a large set of breasts and a tight ass. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but at the moment the only thing TNA is knocking out is the conception that their womens' division is any different to WWE's.

Still things could be worse, I don't see any INS agents on TNA's programming.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

WrestleCrap Fan Fiction Theatre Episode 11: "Love Conquers All"

Love Conquers All
Written by YaoiSlashLover
As narrated by Sir Alec Heineken

I walked silently to the locker room, my hair covering my face as the sound of heavy soles on the floor bounced off the walls. My eyes cut up to see Kane standing at the end of the hallway. I closed my eyes and tried my best to not say anything. As I passed him, my wrist was grabbed. My eyes widened as my head snapped back over my shoulder to see Kane staring at me, his eyes gazing into mine. This always happened to us. Whether we were on the same page or not, we would get locked in a staring contest, waiting for someone to make the first move. My eyes narrowed as Kane turned to me, his eyes filled with tears. I couldn't tell if they were tears of hatred or regret. I suddenly grabbed him by the arm and jerked him towards me, our noses touching dangerously. I shot daggers through his soul as I looked like I was ready to kill. A shred of doubt entered his eyes and I released him. He turned away, the shadows drowning him in darkness. But I knew he was trying to conceal the flowing tears. I stepped into the shadows and slipped my hand in his, lacing my fingers between his. He didn't bother to look at me or to say a word but simply did the same, gripping onto me tightly. The hallway filled with darkness as I heard Kane trying to keep his crying to a minimum and I knew he was trying to say he was sorry. I sighed heavily and placed my hand behind his head, pressing my lips to his forehead tenderly. He knew he was forgiven. I know he did some harsh things to me but he's my little brother. He's all I have left. I felt him wrap his arms around me and I couldn't help but return the embrace, laying my head on top of his, trying to ease his nerves. After a minute or two, Kane calmed down but didn't release his grip on me. I wasn't complaining. Yes, it's true, my brother is a dumb-ass but he's my dumb-ass. Not many people see past the bitterness and occasional alliance we share with each other in the ring. We have a private life we keep secret because if people knew, they'd try to hurt us. How do we know? Because we've tried to hurt each other. It's as simple as that. I kept my arms around my baby brother and slid my hand up and down his spine in attempts to console him. I felt his breathe on my neck and felt him nudge me. He was now asking me a question. He was asking me if I loved him. And not in the brotherly way most people are used to seeing. I simply nudged him back and I knew he was smiling. This caused me to crack a small smile as I felt him lace his fingers with mine. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, kissing his neck tenderly, leaving my mark on him. My kisses left bruises on him and nobody but us knew what they were for. A symbol that love conquers all. No matter how angry or upset you are with your opposite other. Anger fades overtime and with my baby brother and I, all it takes is a simple embrace to erase the anger. Without saying a word, we can tell each other stories. Our eyes are like books and our bodies are the words within those books. Waiting to be read and spoken aloud. Our feelings for one another are another story. It has no end. Just empty pages of love, always repeating itself. And with that, we walked back to the locker room, our love slipping into the darkness once more. The next time anyone would see us, we would back to being enemies. To them we would be anyway. To us, our love was a secret. And our secret was kept within our hearts. Forever.

The end.

186 Show me...Hulk's penis!: November 5, 2010

82 minutes

"Old School RAW" is upcoming, but it does not seem to involve Rob Bartlett or the Rizzotti sisters, according to pwinsider.com. Lord Alfred shills while Blade interrupts promotional consideration. Yes, he's drunk. How ever did you guess?

:16 RD talking about Slim Jims is interrupted by Blade being interrupted by crickets, 'senate news', eating Slim Jims with Don (which is not even a Don story) and an ACTUAL Don story, where he molested a girl at seven with a stick. His music plays throughout.

:24 Hillbilly Jim has made some kind of jerk beef turkey. Jealous of this, a very angered Jim Ross calls. RD gets rid of him by asking about his wife.

:29 Some things are going on at NXT. Kaitlyn. Oksana Baiul. A 'fake wedding' between Oksana and Goldust 'fake' with reference to Johnny Ace. Ted DiBiase Sr presiding over the events. Border Patrol Officer Dick Apopolos in attendance. Michael Cole's gong. Meanwhile Jeff Hardy is now a father. (:39) Also, Blade & Midnight Rose seem to be tag teaming at various places.

:45 Sir Alec and his audience entourage are currently visiting Philadelphia at Ultimate Kennedy's story request, or so he says. The real reason however, is that he wants to help thrash the old Spectrum. He reads something about Kane and 'Taker's brotherly love, in the literal sense.

:53 Blade tells a story about his strange ex-girlfriend that he promised he would tell from last week, for some reason using some music from Psycho. Was her last name Bates or something? This week she was sick of Eric Bischoff on her TV screen.

:56 Question. Sergei on Facebook wonders how come when one wrestler enters, often the other wrestler vacates the ring for him. Blade thinks of it as a matter of pride.

:62 SPEAKING of wonderings, John Kelly reminds us of TNA being on Family Feud. This for some reason warrants RD and Blade going at each other at the Face Off. RD gets the number one answer when he wants a GLOW run in at the game show. Then John leaves. 

:67 Linda loses her election, Vince loses his erection, and they both lose $50 million. Lita returns to RAW, to Blade's delight. What he is NOT delighted about is Pee Wee Herman guest hosting, as he reflects on the strange man. RD apologizes for him. Also Hogan flashed his penis while playing some game or other while Brooke was watching. It would PROBABLY be in bad taste if I made an incest joke here, so let's just end this.

Seventeen Syllables about Hulk Hogan's penis.
Hulk's exposed penis.
He got 'Juicy' with Brooke and Hart.
Limp five inch python.