Episode 105: Holy Constitutional!: August 28, 2023

A Horse of Another Color
October 12, 1967
"The Penguin steals a priceless folio of famous parasols from the Gotham City Library. He plans to wager the $10,000 earned from its ransom on a rigged horse race. Aided by his partner-in-crime Lola Lasagne, he disguises the favored entry Parasol as the unknown "Bumbershoot," then enters a painted glue factory horse as "Parasol". With everyone betting their money on the fake horse, it looks like the Penguin will make a fortune when the real Parasol wins the race. But he wasn't counting on a last-minute entry of Bruce Wayne's, the horse Waynebeau, ridden by none other than Batgirl."
53 minutes

RD: Russo's Saddle Monkey. This makes Vince laugh, as it should.

Neither remember today's episode, despite its increased budget for some reason. RD fell asleep while watching the first half of things. Vince found it all ridiculous. They agreed that things picked up later on.
Vince: "This show had to come from one of the writers sitting around the table and having a vision come to him of the Penguin sitting on a horse. That's where this entire episode had to come from."
RD: "I think, honestly, that one of the writers probably had some type of gambling problem, and was at the racetrack and thought "you know what? We could make a Batman episode outta this. It would give me a good excuse to come lay down some money on the ponies.""

Instead of watching the episode on the airdate you could have instead watched the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Boston Red Sox in Game 7 of the World Series. They were led by Hall of Famer Bob Gibson pitching his third complete game of the match-up for only three hits. The next season he would record an ERA of 1.12. 

Narrator: "Daybreak at Gotham City Library, where Penguin has just purloined a priceless folio of famous umbrellas." (:05)
Both Dynamic and Undynamic Duos appear just as he (and Lola) tries to leave, so he keeps them at bay with the sparkler in his umbrella.
Robin: "Holy diversionary tactic!"
Batman lets him go, partly to see where this unfolds, partly knowing how badly the police would fumble an arrest.
Barbara appears, now wearing a pretty green dress, to greet her father. "I guess I better phone Bruce Wayne. As head of the library's board of trustees, he'd be upset at the loss of a rare item."
RD wonders how many boards Bruce is on.
Batman says he will recover the book within an hour as the Duo return to the Batcave. Cue titles without any semblance of resolving the "cliffhanger" or making a good stinger. 

At the lair Penguin and Lola discuss hope no one will recognize their paint-disguised horse. Now they have to wonder what to do with the jockey (Wally Bootmaker, a parody of the famed Willie Shoemaker) who would quickly notice the deception.
Penguin: "That is the sharpest-looking horse of another color I've ever seen in my life. ... My two finks will take care of [Wally] when they get back."
 

He then gets a call for a placed bet, which he uses to tell them of Parasol "and a late entry by
the name of Bumbershoot".
Satisfied with that, he searches his newspaper's "Saturday review of folios" for a prospective buyer of his folio. One person, a Mr. A. L. Fredd, catches his eye, so he calls the Gotham West Hotel where he is at. "I'm sure that our 10 grand is gonna be in the feed bag, Lulu."
Lola: "It's not Lulu. It's Lola Lasagne."
Penguin: "Well, have it your way. Lasagne, macaroni, whatever."
RD liked Penguin's Popeye-style mumbling, ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. Vince once worked with the grandson of creator E.C. Segar, and was gifted some of his original artwork. 

Cut to later: Batman has already found the lair's location. To Robin: "I did a little extracurricular crime-detecting while Dick Grayson did his homework." Mr. Fredd (of Penny's Worth) has already got the tome ("a steal at $10,000"). He shows it to his colleagues in the study as Barbara calls.
Barbara: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, I'm glad I finally reached you. I've been trying for over an hour."
Bruce: "Dick and I were out taking our usual early constitutional. Apparently Alfred didn't hear the telephone."
Vince: "Does that not sound like they were taking a dump?"
RD: "They were not."
She tells him about the stolen book despite Batman and Gordon having told her not to since it would be sorted within the hour. "I'm afraid I'm still naive enough to believe the impossible can't be done. I guess I owe Batman an apology." She hangs up. 

Dick: "You're now out $10,000 to that pompous purloiner?"
Bruce: ""Patient men win the day," an apt quotation from Chaucer."
Dick: "Apt maybe, but I doubt if Chaucer had run into Penguin when he wrote it."

At the lair the goons show up late due to the traffic. (:18) Penguin is listening to the news on his little Penguin radio (delivered by voice actor Gary Owens, who did a similar announcer character on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In) about Batman returning the folio to the library and "Bruce Wayne, chairman of the board of directors".
Penguin: "Quadruple faugh! She is gonna pay for this. Ms. Gordon, that's who. ... I smell a deep and dire plot in all this. But Ms. Gordon is going to smell something even worse!"
He has another penguin, but rather than it a radio it emits a deadly gas.
Lola: "We don't wanna kill anyone."
Penguin: "She spurned me, didn't she? Well, she's not gonna get a second chance."
He sends the goons with the penguin while he gives Lola some itching powder for the other horses, and another goon to deal with Wally. 

Sure enough, the racing secretary (played by Herbert Anderson, who also played Henry Mitchell, father of [American] Dennis the Menace [Mitchell]), calls Bruce to tell him almost all of the horses have been scratched - due to the itching powder. RD did not see that gag coming at all. There's just Parasol and late entry Bumbershoot, and the latter's jockey of the Penguin is just standing there registering himself.
Bruce: "What does he look like?"
Secretary: "Confidentially, he's a bit of a bird."
Penguin: (Neighs)

Bruce decides to let him race on Bumbershoot and he will get another jockey for Parasol. (To Dick:) "Just as I thought. Penguin has not only overplayed his hand, he's tipped his mitt." He decides to add a third horse, from his own stable, named Waynebeau (after rainbow, get it).
Dick: "Bruce, let me ride Waynebeau. I'm light enough."
Bruce: "No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny. But you can ride the fake Parasol and try to win it."
He wants Batgirl as the third jockey, and he's so giddy at the thought. He has to find her though, which is left to Alfred who gives his boss such a look. Vince was disappointed it wasn't Aunt Harriet. RD has to break it to him she will not be appearing much going forward. Vince promises to rate her the next and final time she appears. 

Meanwhile the toy penguin gasses...the other librarian there (named Myrtle). Whoops. Barbara manages to save her colleague before Alfred shows up asking to speak to Barbara in private. 

Back at the racetrack, the secretary is bewildered and livid at the starting lineup, and demands Bruce to cancel it. "If Batman, for instance, told me that this race must be run for a particular reason, that might be different."
Bruce: "And suppose Batman did tell you that the race must be run?"
Secretary: "I would have to hear it from him in person."

So Bruce puts on the cowl. "A very capable man, the racing secretary. Remind me to give him a bonus, Alfred," he requests his returning butler before he departs. 

Meanwhile Lola meets her "Spanish-speaking" horse's jockey, who is in fact Dick trying to speak Spanish. As a reminder, Parasol was her one asset from her Brazilian husband, who would have spoken Portuguese. She goes to bet on Bumbleshoot.

Penguin (looking through his monocle through his racing googles): "That jockey, you know who he looks like? Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne's ward."
Goon: "What would Dick Grayson be doing as a saddle monkey, boss?"
Penguin: "One thing he'll be doing soon is eating my dust!"

At last Batgirl makes her appearance on Waynebeau next to the other two horses.
Secretary: "Why, this is getting more farcical by the moment."
The Undynamic Duo move next to him, being informed by Batman to be there. 

The race is of course mostly stock footage. The actual horses and their stunt double jockeys have to deal with some really haphazard editing and positioning. Craig actually wanted to ride in person, but seeing her mount had someone else stand in for her this one time. (:35)

Anyway obviously Waynebeau wins by several lengths. Bumbleshoot is second, and Parasol is third. Batgirl then charges after a fleeing Penguin.
Secretary: "You may have a good-sized riot on your hands, Mr. Wayne. Almost everyone bet on Parasol. Batman better have a good explanation too. It's a very dark day for racing in Gotham City, Mr. Wayne."

Penguin: "I'll change, then we better make tracks."
Lola: "Why? We haven't done anything wrong."
Penguin: "We haven't done anything right. We just lost 10 grand. And the paint is running faster than the horse did."

Batgirl follows Pengy to the men's locker room so the Trio and goons can prepare for their fight. 
Batgirl: "No need to change clothes, Penguin. They'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going."
Penguin: "Faugh! Armband, Visor, bridle that filly!"
Batman: "No bother to return the many favors you've done for us, Batgirl."
RD: "Batman now is basically taking on the role of Commissioner. Batgirl to Batman is basically what Batman is to Commissioner Gordon."
The fight is again not a bad one, even if Batgirl can't stop smiling during it. 

Gordon: "Well Penguin, looks like your perfidious prank is up."
Penguin: "Perfidious? Faugh, I admit I fixed the race, but I fixed it so the best horse won. Regardless of that, I'm sure that the results of the Handicap will be declared permanently unofficial."
O'Hara: "And you'll be declared permanently incarcerated."
Batman: "Batgirl, she's gone again. Like spray. Like a cloud. Like lightning."
Robin: "We should try to find her and thank her."
Batman: "Mere thanks are empty words, Robin. Whoever she is, wherever she goes, whatever she's  after, I think we'll be seeing more of her."

Back at the Library, Gordon visits his daughter dusting in the Egyptology section. Before he can take her for dinner they turn to see King Tut just standing there.
Barbara: "You mean a real arch-criminal has turned up here in the library?"
RD: "Sister, EARLIER IN THE DAY THE PENGUIN WAS IN THE LIBRARY! This library may be the most popular place for criminals in the entire city."
Barbara: "He sounds fascinating!"
Gordon: "No, darling, not fascinating. He is fiendishly evil, the most dangerous kind of fraud. I better get word to the Dynamic Duo."

Narrator: "So, King Tut has returned, but for what evil purpose? With what nefarious scheme? And what is he doing in this library? Watch the next episode for the awesome answer!"

Of course Vince is familiar with Ethel Merman and her long line of work - she would have been 59 in filming here. He gives her 5 Batpoles at least for that. RD takes her age "into consideration" in giving her 2.5. He takes issue with Vince's spin on age. He counters that it would be for if they tried playing younger roles. 

The "Council of Ruperts" is still determining what games to use for the King of Arcade. RD is certain Q*bert is one of them.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 
  

 

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. What cliffhanger?
• Window Celebrity: 1. Gary Owens
  

Episode 104: Holy Non Sequiturs!: August 21, 2023

The Sport of Penguins
October 5, 1967
"The Penguin teams up with parasol collector Lola Lasagne. Together, they plan to rig the upcoming Bruce Wayne Handicap to make a fortune from Lola's prize racehorse Parasol. They break into Glu Gluten's Glue Factory to steal a condemned horse, planning to switch horses before the race and make their money by betting on the real Parasol. When Batman, Robin, and Batgirl catch up with them at the glue factory, Penguin sneaks outside and plasters the Batmobile with a sticky glue."
70 minutes

RD: GOIN TO GLUE FACTORY knew it was Hulk Hogan's 170th Julie Newmar's 90th birthday recently.
Vince: "Oh I thought you were gonna say "probably better than Sunny in an orange jumpsuit.""
RD: "She looks exactly like Shelly Winters when she was Ma Parker."
Vince still feels a bit bad for the young woman he once worked with.
RD retells the time he and Blade once met Tam at a convention before things happened as they did.

Speaking of things happening as they did, RD finally saw Extreme live. Gary Cherone recognized his Batman '66 shirt that he is also wearing here. Vince brought up Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black parodying More Than Words: "Let me put it to you this way: it's gonna be ten times better than the episode we just witnessed." (:15)

Narrator: "Gotham Park Racetrack, the day before the Bruce Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap, where two fancy fillies are meeting the press: a high-spirited horse and her proud-spirited mistress."

The Racetrack is an actual outdoor shoot (at Los Alamitos), a rare sight this season due to budget. The horse is named Parasol and her owner is named Lola Lasagne, a major player in "shower sticks" i.e. parasols. (:23) To Parasol: "Shape up, Parasol. Looks and your legs are all we've got left."

Narrator: "But what's this strange bird doing in the royal surroundings of a queen of the turf and the sport of kings?"
Penguin waddles up, grabbing the umbrella from her hand, and then waddles off.
Lola: "You waddling bird!"

After the titles, Pengy next enters the City's one (1) Public Library to break open a case to reveal the book inside.
Barbara: "What is this? You can't just barge in here cut open a locked case, and walk off with a priceless folio of famous parasols."
Penguin: "Why not?"
She tries making a "tax-paying" citizen's arrest, calling up her "beloved father" that he's already met just a couple of weeks ago. He uses the opportunity to flee, leaving behind a ticking umbrella.

As it just so happens the Duo are also in the Office. The Bros think they were having lunch.
O'Hara: "Brazen bird! I'll wager there's a connection between this and that parasol he stole from Lola Lasagne today at the racetrack."
Gordon (suddenly appalled): "You wager, Chief O'Hara? A public servant and upstanding chief of police betting?"
O'Hara: "Uh, can I call it a hunch, Commissioner?"

The Duo rush over to the Library with a Bat-Shield.
Robin: "Haven't you some Anti-Percussion Asbestos Bat-Flax in your utility belt?"
Batman: "No time for that now, Robin. Let's get this offending article out into the corridor and under the Bat-Bomb Machine."
The umbrella explodes (off-screen of course), but thankfully the Duo are unharmed.
Batman still remembers Pengy's attempt to marry Barbara, and his thinking again of Batgirl makes his heart all aflutter. The Duo leave to consult the Batcomputer. 

Narrator: "While in Penguin's bookshop, or to be more accurate Penguin's bookmaking shop..." (:31)
Penguin takes bets over the phone, and of course he does it in person to directly link himself to any potential crimes. Lola comes in for her parasol, which he uses to know she is actually Lulu Schultz.
Penguin: "I knew you when you'd steal the braces from other kids' teeth."
Lola: "While you stole their teeth."
Parasol (her horse), is her one thing from her three week marriage to 80 year old South American billionaire Luigi Lasagne. She even had to sell her parasols. So she was hoping to win the race tomorrow. Unfortunately Pengy has to break it to her that it is a charity race, for the Bruce Wayne Memorial Foundation. Is there any other kind in the city?

In the Batcave the Duo and Alfred somehow link parasols to horse blankets. Vince wonders if they were involved by the pre-credits scene of the Penguin at the racetrack. The Batcomputer's "Bat-Correction Signal" then prints "Lulu Schultz" which they somehow link to "Glu Gluten's Glue Factory." Even Vince can't explain that.
Robin: "Holy non sequiturs!" 

As soon as the Duo leave in the Batmobile Alfred immediately calls Barbara to tell her.
Barbara: "But how did you her of it?"
Alfred: "Actually, I overheard it. The Dynamic Duo were to be dinner guests at Stately Wayne Manor  tonight."
RD: "He's only known this girl for a couple of weeks. He's already trusting her with this?"

Barbara: "Charlie, I thought I was going to spend a quiet evening with you. Instead, I'm off to Glu Gluten's Glue Factory."
Narrator: "Once more, from Barbara Gordon, librarian and police commissioner's daughter,to that dominoed daredoll Batgirl in a matter of seconds!"
RD thought she looked good in a pink dress. Vince wonders how her hideout would not be discovered since she lives in an apartment complex instead of a stately manor. RD thinks she should have had Alfred help her with building it. 

At the lair, Penguin decides to get Parasol to swap appearances with another horse and make money off the long odds of disguising him as a long-shot dark horse. Pengy volunteers his own horse with a dash of white paint on the mane. He then hears over the radio of the Duo handling his bomb in the Library, infuriating him.
Penguin: "The Dynamic Dunderheads! Faugh! Double faugh! Triple faugh!"
Lola: "Why are you so anxious to bomb the library?"
Penguin: "No, not the library, somebody in the library. Somebody who had the miserable taste to turn down an offer of marriage from me."
Lola: "You, Pengy, scorned by a woman?"
Penguin: "It's incredible, isn't it? Well, let's get back to the horse-switching before those caped  crumbums get on my tailpiece again."

As part of their plan the two go to the glue factory (as the Trio make their own way there). The place has a dizzying array of glues, including fish glue. RD tried looking it up and for some reason didn't find much. What search engine he was using? (My guess is AltaVista.)
Glu Gluten is actually there in person, telling the two that horse glue isn't actually made from actual horses as much nowadays. However he does keep a spare "in case of emergency."
Penguin offers to buy "this four-legged thing with a long nose" for "nothing down and a little a week. Don't you know anything about the economic structure of this country? It's always nothing down and a little a week. That is the cornerstone of our financial security."

The Duo catch up to watch things go down (still legally for the moment).
Batman: "But planting a time bomb in a public library is a felony."
They try crashing through the window - and get stuck as they both try to go through at the same time. Also they're barely six inches off the ground. 

Penguin: "Drat! Double drat! Triple drat!"
Batman: "Expletives will get you nowhere. ... What other whimsical pranks are you and your charming conspiratress up to?"
Penguin orders Lola to run with the horse to the racetrack before siccing his goons for the fight. They show their prowess by tossing Robin up and down like a cheerleader. Also the glue factory had a trapeze for some reason.
Batgirl ties up the goons but Penguin escapes with a bucket of "library glue". RD tried looking that up too and of course found nothing.

Batgirl: "I pray for the day when Gotham City's safe from such mocking mountebanks."
Batman: "Cleaning up crime is the dream of every good citizen, Batgirl. But one thought intrigues me. How did you know Robin and I might be in trouble with Penguin in this glue factory?"
Batgirl: "Through the one thing you couldn't possibly have in your utility belt, Batman: a woman's  intuition."

Penguin uses the Duo's distracted by Batgirl's vanishing to paint library glue all over the Batmobile seats and tires.
Batman (smitten quoting her theme song): "She's gone. Like a shadow. Like smoke. Like a shooting star. Who knows where she goes? Who knows where she comes from? Who knows who she is?... We must allow her her anonymity and freedom of action as we demand ours. Whatever is fair in love and war is also fair in crime-fighting."
Vince wonders if Barbara is around Dick's age. RD reminds him she just graduated college while Robin is still high school, so there would be a four year difference between them at least. That would be enough to make her his ward too.

Glu: "Nothing down, nothing a week. A nothing factory. What a deal."

The Duo hop into the Batmobile to get back to the Batcave and of course get stuck to the seats. (:51)
Robin: "Holy mucilage!"

The two villains are back at the lair having managed to paint the fake horse.
Penguin: "You switched bangtails at the track, and this hay burner is the real palooka."
Lola: "The real Parasol, Pengy. And I wish you wouldn't call her a bangtail, a hay burner or a palooka."
Naming their new horse Bumbershoot, Penguin now has to explain to his fellow criminal how betting works. But they still need money first to wager. Pengy decides to go back to the Library, steal the book on rare parasols, and sell it on the black market.
Lola: "Go get it, right now."
Penguin: "No, no. The library isn't open yet."
Lola: "Since when has that ever stopped you?"

Narrator: "Is Lola right? Can't Penguin be stopped? Is he really stealing a priceless folio to finance his crooked coup with the Dynamic Duo pasted to the Batmobile outside the glue factory? And Barbara Gordon, minus Batgirl's trappings, asleep in her apartment? Or is she?" 

Barbara is woken up by the Emergency Library Prowler Signal, which she informs her father about.
The Duo manage to return to the Batcave, apologizing to Alfred since the Batmobile's Library Paste Bat-Dissolving Switch also got stuck.
Robin: "Look Batman, the red phone." (Emphasis mine.)

Narrator: "But are they all too late? Will Penguin and Lola succeed in pulling off the foulest race-fixing scheme of all time? For more, tune in the next episode."

 

...

 

This is the type of cliffhanger we have been reduced to this season. 

Vince wonders if they were trying to save money on "traps", so we got what everyone agrees is the worst cliffhanger ever: people just standing around as a phone rings.

The next episode title doesn't even rhyme.  

Through his archaic search engine RD found his birthdate (January 12th) was the most popular. He shares it with Vince's father. September is the most popular month overall. 

RD wrote about Eric Bischoff (with Matt Hardy) beating the Young Bucks with two karate kicks. Of course it was TNA, why do you ask?

Speakinf of Hardys, Jeff had a Gooker nominee Texas Chainsaw Massacre match (against other Jeff Jarrett). AEW didn't even get paid that much! (Only $100,000 which Tony Khan will donate to Maui relief after much backlash.) Vince got a laugh at a chainsaw wielder just deciding to kick somebody. Even he - Vince Russo - was confused by the breakneck chaos of things. RD laughed at them considering Hangman Page standing next to an ambulance as a "hospital" (ala Season 3 Batman). He wants to email Tony to ask to check inside the ambulance to see if Shaquille O'Neal is in it.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 
  

 

• Screen Shares: 1. Vince
• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Returned albums, Awful
  

Episode 103: Holy Morpheus!: August 14, 2023

The Wail of the Siren
September 28, 1967
"Lorelei Circe, aka The Siren, launches a two part plan to become the richest and wickedest woman in Gotham City. First she puts Commissioner Gordon under her stunning spell and orders him to stow away in the Batmobile in order to find out the location of the Batcave as well as Batman & Robin's secret identities. Secondly she entrances millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne and implores him to sign over all his wealth and belongings to her."
60 minutes

RD: WANTS TO BE RELAXED. Frankie says so.

Vince saw the vignette from last time of Adam West as tracksuit Batman facing Jerry Lawler.

Vince once met Frank Zappa at an early 90's Video Software Dealers Association Convention and joked about dating Moon Zappa, who was born on the airdate.

Narrator: "A glorious morning in Gotham City. But in Commissioner Gordon's office, the Siren readies a  nasty scheme."

As a reminder, Siren has struck Gordon with a test of the Emergency Broadcast System that somehow mind controls him. RD wished they used a different note instead to shake things up. She tells him to call and meet Batman in a neutral place, so he immediately decides on his daughter's apartment. 
Siren: "Just be sure you know where he parks the Batmobile."
Gordon: "In the underground garage of her apartment building. Where else?"
Sadly there is no footage of Batman slowly driving around a garage finding a parking spot. 

RD has yet to go to New York. 

Bruce gets called on the Batphone while a gentle theme plays.
Dick: "Barbara Gordon's apartment? Why there?"
Bruce: "Ours is not to reason why, Dick. We're duly deputized minions of the law, Commissioner  Gordon is our immediate superior, and good crime-fighters always obey orders. To the Batpoles!"

Narrator: "And now, in Barbara Gordon's apartment, the mystery deepens."

O'Hara also joins the Trio at the apartment, but instead of Gordon Bonnie appears for some reason.
Batman: "Commissioner Gordon does not take his responsibilities lightly."
Gordon is in fact with Bonnie by the Batmobile, agreeing with her with whatever she says.
Barbara: "Would any of you care for a soft drink?"
Batman: "No thank you, Ms. Gordon. We might find it too relaxing."
He decides to go back and use the Batcomputer. The Duo leaves through the door this time.  

Narrator: "And shortly, in the Siren's hideout in a subterranean grotto..." (:14)
This is another pitch black storage area, but at least there is a horde of props laying around to make it look like an aquarium.
Siren (playing a harp): "Batman and Robin, you're finished, I say,
for hidden inside of your car,
Commissioner Gordon is lurking and soon,
he'll tell me whoever you are!"
Unfortunately her two goons (of whom Vince recognizes their character actors) have no taste in music. They don't even know her plan!
Siren: "Evil is what makes the world go round. And I want to be evil."
Goon: "I'm not knocking evil, Siren. But don't forget Catwoman and Black Widow, they all went up the  river because of Batman."
Siren: "Right you are, my musical mobster. But those amateurs neglected one thing. They neglected to expose Batman's identity. Once that's done, the cowled crimefighter's efficiency will be dissipated leaving me a clear path to ravage and pillage Gotham City as it's never been ravaged and pillaged before. (Playing again) I want to become the wickedest woman,
in Gotham City and thus, in the world,
with the help of Bruce Wayne's fortune,
which I shall shortly control."

O'Hara finally leaves the apartment, and will update Barbara on her brand new answering machine. "Oh, sure, then it's one of those tricky little gizmos that answers in your own voice and then replays the messages."
Barbara (mocking): "Oh, sure, and it is, Chief O'Hara. At least it won't be answering in Lorelei Circe's  voice or all the windows would be broken. She's the world-famous chanteuse who's appearing in  Gotham City. She has a range of seven octaves. And when she sings her highest note I'm told only hunting dogs can hear it, and are completely stunned."
O'Hara: "Well, let's hope your father doesn't run into her. Oh, I'm just spoofing you, Barbara. I'm sure he'll show up safe and sound."
Alone, Barbara wonders to Charlie if Circe is involved anyway. Of course she knows the lair is in the "Grotto Arms". She gets going as Batgirl's theme plays with lyrics, which RD attempts to sing. (:21)

Meanwhile at the Batcave the Duo are puzzled by the Batcomputer "answering" with the "Bat-resistance Signal" since it can only track criminals.
Robin: "Holy one-track Batcomputer mind. I guess we'll have to figure this one out for ourselves."

But first, food! Alfred already has their milk and sandwiches in the study. The Duo go up the Batpoles so he can get to dusting the Batcave - at which point Gordon stumbles out of the Batmobile's trunk.
Gordon: "You're Alfred, millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler. And that voice, the same nameless voice that often answers the Batphone."
Alfred: "I'm afraid you're making a mistake, sir."
Gordon: "Mistake? Nonsense. Obviously, this is the Batcave. Ergo, Batman is Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson is Robin, The Boy Wonder. Hmmm. Batman and Bruce Wayne, one and the same. I must convey this information at once to the Siren."
Alfred: "The Siren? I think you're making a grave error of judgment, sir."
Gordon: "You're being very civilized about this. Most butlers would do anything at this moment to stop  me."
Alfred: "Quite right, Commissioner."
He then blasts him with sleeping gas for such an occasion.

Vince: "That was amazing, Bro. Amazing. Meanwhile, he doesn't know Batgirl is his daughter two feet in front of him."

Alfred manages to drag Gordon's body to the eating Duo. "Thanks to a sizable dose of Bat-Sleep, he is now languishing in the arms of Morpheus."

Meanwhile Siren decides to call Stately Wayne Manor through an information operator for her next step to enchant Bruce. Of course Batgirl is watching her go through with it. 

Narrator: "Meanwhile, at their handsome residence, our heroes remained puzzled."
They determine Gordon will be out for 12 hours and that this is in fact the Siren's doing just before she calls. Bruce answers to get hit by the EBS and become his dandy self once more. He talks in monotone as he goes to meet her in the Wayne Foundation Building.
Before Dick can follow the Batphone rings, and for the first time he has to answer.
Alfred: "You'll never know unless you answer it, Master Dick."
It's just Batgirl, for some reason without O'Hara in the Office. She uses the opportunity to sit up tall and proud at her father's desk. This is just a contrived excuse in the plot for her to lead them to the Building.

In his office in the Building, Bruce opens his safe behind a picture of a safe. (:31) "You now have the Wayne family jewels," he states. Siren waits for him to sign off more of his assets.
Robin and Batgirl reach the lobby's 'Private Elevator to Bruce Wayne's Private Office: private use only", as signed. They stand around waiting for it to arrive rather than just attempt a Batclimb.

Now lacking only Batman's identity Siren calls Gordon's Office, and now O'Hara is there to answer. She EBS's him to "go jump in Gotham Park Lake". The Bros laud the direct simplicity of her actions.
Robin (bursting in): "We heard that, Siren, and you're sending an innocent man to drown himself."
Siren: "It's police Chief O'Hara, it's not going to be a great loss to society. Well, look who's here. Batgirl and Batboy."
Of course as demonstrated last week, Batgirl is immune to her tone, and Robin is wearing Bat-earplugs to block above 14,000 decibels. This would have no protective effect, since the tone is based on the frequency rather than on the volume.
But Siren says she already owns the Building anyway, and orders the two out.
Robin: "Holy Fourth Amendment. We're licked!"

She rolls her eyes at them as they leave, not noticing he's left a tracking device behind. So the Duo hide in a broom closet (with a huge sign saying so) hearing her asking "that penniless fop" Bruce to now jump off the roof.
Batgirl: "The stairway?"
Robin: "Yes. (Checking her out) You're in good shape."

Their stunt doubles come out just in time to stop Bruce from taking the fall. Cue fight in which Batgirl finds immense enjoyment within for some reason. This is assuming it is not instead her own stunt double, who at least looked very similar to Craig. Also according to Craig there was only the one Batgirl outfit which would have to been shared between the two. 

Before Siren can command Bruce to fight Robin punches him in the face, which causes her to nearly fall off herself. She begs for help.
Robin: "Why should I? You were willing to let Bruce Wayne leap. Can you get Mr. Wayne out of that spell?"
She's not sure if she can...so Robin lets her go. She manages to catch onto a ledge and relent to try "an antidote note" so he pulls her up. 
Batgirl (patting Bruce on the head): "Oh Bruce, if only you were more like Batman. Perhaps then you would have had the strength to resist the Siren's stunning spell."
The note works, which is good news for Batgirl as she has to leave to rescue O'Hara.

Meanwhile Gordon has been brought to his Office, where he awakens in front of Barbara and the Duo. Conveniently Gordon can't remember anything while he was enchanted. "I feel like Rip van Winkle." O'Hara enters, still soaking wet of course. And Bruce's assets have been rightfully returned. 

Satisfied, the Duo return to the Batcave. (:45)
Batman (on the Batphone): "Warden Crichton should find the Siren a model prisoner Commissioner, if she doesn't open her mouth."
This random leaving and calling isn't for that one-off line, but for Penguin to laugh over the "newly-developed Criminal Sensor Bat-Indicator which apparently suggests that Penguin has returned to the environs of Gotham City."
He is at a racetrack with a lady named Lola "Lulu" Lasagne, about to enter his horse into the Wayne Foundation Handicap horse-race.
RD: "[Bruce] still has no money for those poor kids at the church."

Narrator: "Will Batman need more than luck with Penguin and Lola? Watch the next episode to find out!"

Of course Vince noticed a "little peekaboo" in one of Siren's appearances. However he was also not a big fan of her bun hair. He gives her a "Meltzer" 9.75 Batpoles regardless. RD greatly admired her plan in its coverage and directness and how it almost succeeded. He gives her 9.4, slightly below Pauline and her midriff (and once again Vince forgot her name).
Dame Joan Collins is of course still young even after turning 90 in May and with a truly legendary career. 

The Arcade is doing good business. RD still needs to figure out what their top prize for the King of Arcade will be.

RD: "Please to explain the logic of the Dupp Cup."
Vince agrees that it was awful, of which he shares responsibility with Jeff Jarrett and Dutch Mantell. "It would be a great story if I could say we were all drunk, but we were not."

• Special Guest Villain: The Siren [2] (Joan Collins) [2]

• Screen Shares: 2. RD, RD
  
• Entertain The People: 1
  

Episode 102: Holy Nebuchadnezzar!: August 7, 2023

Ring Around the Riddler
September 21, 1967
"The Riddler is out to control all of prize fighting in Gotham City. He begins by kidnapping and brainwashing top prizefighters with the aid of the Siren. Then, under the guise of Mushy Nebuchadnezzar, supposed boxing champion of Southwest Asia, he challenges Batman to a fight in the ring. But when it becomes clear that the Riddler has no plans to play fair, it's up to Batgirl to help her crime fighting companions."
77 minutes

Vince can't believe how much the show has changed so suddenly. He wonders where the show could have gone. RD (aka Kid Gulliver) thinks it would still end up the same. 

Of note, RD also wrote about the episode on his other site, in connection with Adam West appearing in Memphis in his cowl and costume tracksuit to cut a promo on Jerry Lawler.

Narrator: "Night, the cloak for sinners, draws its dark folds over Gotham City, where the Riddler hides out in a little-used gymnasium."

Riddler spars with his kidnapped boxer Kid Gulliver, played by James Brolin in his third appearance (sadly not with Catwoman).
RD: "How could he go to anything bigger or better than Ring Around the Riddler?"
Riddler asks Gulliver to lose his next match at Gotham Square Garden. "I have a riddle for you. What do many boats, shovels, laundries, whistles and hot showers have in common? Steam. (To his goons) Put him in the steam room and shrink him down to size."
You can tell it is a steam room because there is a sign over a door-less frame saying so in front of a completely dark room. 

Vince, who rather enjoyed this story, thinks they used the budget on other areas. RD, who is more ambivalent, disagrees. 

Riddler's lady, Betsy "Bullface" Boldface, and with rather short 60's hair, listens to her man plan to get rid of all the other prizefighters and Batman "then control all the prizefighting in Gotham City once and for all...and everywhere else."
"When is the top of a mountain like a savings account? When it piques one's interest."

RD once worked with a wrestler named Bull Payne. At one show he had to help a rather...distracted referee during a hell turn (RD, not the referee) to award a match to "Bullpen". 

At Stately Wayne Manor, the Duo watch their study big screen in surprise as Kid Gulliver loses in the third round. (:14)
Bruce: "As chairman of Gotham City Boxing Commission, I'm gonna call an emergency meeting. It looks like undesirable elements have once again infiltrated the manly art of self-defense."
RD: "What about those poor kids in church? All they wanted was a little summer retreat!"

At the boxing box office, Riddler has a metal box with a light up question mark on the top that RD thinks may have also been used in Batman Forever. "Riddle me this! When does a painter use a trigger instead of a brush? When he's a stickup artist."
He's about to violently kiss the box office lady but seeing Barbara standing in line to buy tickets he has to run off, leaving the box behind. 

Cue spinning Batsignal, now with Batgirl.

Batgirl calls Gordon who calls Alfred who tells him that Bruce isn't home by shaking his head (over the phone). So they light the Batsignal, a surprisingly uncommon occurrence in the series as we've found out. This gets the Duo into the Office.

Vince wonders how Gordon couldn't figure out who Batgirl was.
RD: "To be fair, how many times has he talked to Bruce Wayne in person?"

Batman: " It's lucky you were in the vicinity of Gotham Square Garden."
Batgirl: "Yes. Luck is an important weapon to a woman crimefighter, Batman."
The box has been brought in for the Trio to examine with a stethoscope.
Batman: "This little blinking device is merely an added touch to pique our curiosity. Sounds like a trick of Riddler's."
The only thing inside are metal shavings and a note: "Who rules the ring? No prince, king or raja. Look for a clue on the walls of Khafajah."
Batman: "Khafajah was a famous temple in what was the land of Mesopotamia, Robin."
Gordon: "My daughter, Barbara, studied the history of Southwestern Asia in college, Batman."
Because of course history is essential for her job of...librarian.
Speaking of Barbara, Batgirl has somehow vanished without the men noticing.
Batman (lustily): "Her particular brand of vanishing cream... another weapon in her arsenal."
RD knows sudden vanishing is actually a skill of Batman more so than his protege. 

The boxing commissioner then calls to report that Kid Gulliver has vanished. This is due to him being back at the gym being shot up with "riddle juice".
Riddler: "Gentlemen, if we had our choice of laps to sit on right now, which would we choose? Kid Gulliver's temporary lapse of memory."
As the goons take him away Betsy brings a burnoose for her man. She has something for her sports show at midnight of all times (what does she think it is, SportsCenter?): "Mushy Nebuchadnezzar, unchallenged champion of Southwestern Asia's boxing world, arrived in Gotham City tonight. Ready  and willing to take on any and all comers."
Riddler: "Stroke of your usual feminine genius, Betsy."

Cut to the Duo Batclimbing up to Barbara's apartment to ask for her Southwestern Asian knowledge. (:28)
Batman: "We would've entered the building by more conventional means."
Robin: "But we didn't wanna startle the tenants." (Emphasis mine)
Barbara: "As I recall, some strange scrollwork was found on the walls of that temple indicating men used fists to fight long before the supposed beginnings of boxing in ancient Rome and Greece."
Robin: "Holy hieroglyphics. How would the Riddler know that, Batman?"
Batman: "The mind of a criminal like Riddler's is a sponge which soaks up many strange facts, Robin."
Barbara thinks Riddler is referring to the prizefighter ring.
Batman: "Perhaps Riddler himself is trying to take over."
Robin: "That punctuated pipsqueak?"

Then Gordon knocks on the door (conventionally).
Barbara: "Well, tonight seems to be my night for gentlemen callers."
The police had found Kid Gulliver on the side of the road, of course with no memory of the recent days. The Duo leave to check out the location.
Gordon then suddenly makes himself at home so he can watch Betsy's sports show - again, at midnight. (:33) He turns on the television just in time to see a masked Riddler a burnoose-d Mushy Nebuchadnezzar, unchallenged champion of Southwestern Asia's boxing world talking about eating "tamarisk berries, bulbul bird eggs and licorice, but only licorice native to my country" and "camel grass juice".
Gordon: "Enough of that. He sounds like Southwestern Asia's unchallenged nut."

Vince loves circus peanuts, to RD's disgust.

Wrote RD: "Hard cut to unneeded extreme close-up of O'Hara's face." He's stumbling around (more so than usual) by the boxing box office as the Duo try to get through to him.
Riddler: "Riddle me this, Dynamic Dullheads!  What have the following in common? Hemming, basting, purling and tacking?"
Then he vanishes.
RD is reminded of when Shaquille O'Neal was on AEW and just vanished inside an ambulance. Perhaps he was trying to evade process servers?

Batman: "Hemming and purling, basting and tacking are all words related to needlework."
Robin: "You think they gave Chief O'Hara the same injection as they gave Kid Gulliver?"
Batman: "I'll take Chief O'Hara down to headquarters. You follow in the Batmobile."
At last, Dick has a use for his new driver's license!

Meanwhile Barbara mentions to Charlie (her pet bird) how this Nebuchadnezzar's chin "didn't look much like a Southwestern Asiatic chin to this student of history. Maybe Batgirl should investigate the local source of tamarisk berries, bulbul bird eggs, licorice, and camel grass juice." 

Vince is impressed by how RD can say Nebuchadnezzar. "You don't want me saying that name."

Narrator: "So it's across her bedroom in a flash to the secret Batgirl nook, where Barbara Gordon makes her dazzling change to Batgirl! And into action on her Batgirl Cycle! And shortly, back in Riddler's little-used gymnasium..." (:39)

Betsy, giving the tamarisk berries, bulbul bird eggs, licorice, and camel grass juice, tells Riddler on Batgirl following them i.e. three steps behind her.
Riddler: "Riddle me once. What's most alluring, when it's lowest or highest? When it's in the air or in a  hole? When it's served you, yet you can't touch it?"
Batgirl: "An enchanting ace."

This gives him the space to command next week's villain, Joan Collins as the Siren, to hum a high-pitched note test of the emergency broadcast system. Unaffected, Batgirl just turns her head slightly.
Siren: "I've never tried my note two octaves above high C on a woman before."
So there is a fight, and Batgirl gets taken to the steam room. 

Regardless of the outcome, Riddler is still thrilled; "I thought my broadcast would put the Dynamic  Decimal Points on your track. But Batgirl will work just as well."
"He had also been using Siren's singing to entice men to do his dirty work. He now has three more prizefighters to be controlled, all played by actual boxers of the time. They too get the steam room treatment. Then Siren just...walks out the door. Of course Riddler watches her leave (until Betsy gets in his way so he can look at her instead).

Then all of a sudden Batgirl gets away. Off-screen.
Betsy: "Would you like a shot of camel grass juice?"
Riddler: "Oh, what's looser than a thread, a fish, flying ribbons? A woman's tongue! Possibly Batgirl's!  I've got to get on some provocative riddles if I'm going to coax Batman into the ring with Mushy Nebuchadnezzar." 

RD bullies Vince to say "Mezuchanazzer". 

Cut to next day. Gordon has Barbara in his Office to talk to since O'Hara is still recovering from being more useless than usual amnesia. (:48) He also has more riddles for her to decipher until the Duo enter, and then Riddler as Mushy calls. He means business because he is standing in front of a curtain.
Riddler: "My line is plugged into radio station GTCR. That means that all of Gotham City has heard you called - hahaha - a coward."
He hangs up, cuing an extreme close up of Batman.
Batman: "Regardless of who Mushy Nebuchadnezzar may be, or what Riddler is up to, regardless of  private or public image, one thing I cannot abide is being called a coward. You may inform all the news media that I will meet the champion of Southwestern Asia in Gotham Square Garden tonight."

Thankfully since Batman is tight with Boxing Commission chairman Bruce Wayne, it's not too hard to prepare the GSG to accommodate a boxing ring at the last minute, and by boxing ring, I mean whatever on earth this is:

 

RD: "I worked in front of some very, very, very small crowds. Very ghetto stuff. There was one show I worked at - with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up - there were two paying customers. It looked more impressive than what this is." 

Vince: "And this is Gotham Square Garden no less!"

Betsy is at one side helping to commentate because of course she does. Batman is on another side with his corner man Alfred Egbert Gus. Aunt Harriet is on another side with the Undynamic Duo and Barbara. She gets her quota of lines for the whole season talking non-stop to the men. At least she seems to be holstered this time. 

Batman (to Robin): "This is ridiculous. [Riddler's] smaller than you are."
RD's extensive research found that Ward was in fact an inch taller than Gorshin.

Riddler: "Batman, what eats crow, yells uncle, and tosses sponges?"
Batman: "A loser. AND I'M NOT A LOSER, RIDDLER!" 

So they start "boxing". 

As much as RD has his doubts on the episode, he easily found this to be some of Gorshin's best acting.

To try and even the odds Riddler does a Popeye punch, in which he sprinkles metal shavings all over the Dark Knight. Betsy is suddenly underneath the ring (despite the canvas looking to be a foot off the ground), sitting cross legged and taking a smoke as she turns on a giant magnet. This of course pins Batman in one place because...

Alfred: "The drawing power of this fight seems to have concentrated beneath the ring."

Is this how (fucking) magnets work? 

Batman entangled, this allows Riddler to rope-a-dope whack-a-mole. 

Barbara quickly rushes to the "bathroom", changes, and manages to get under the ring without anyone noticing to take out the magnet. Perhaps their eyes were also magnetized.

Riddler (not noticing the situation): "Ladies and gentlemen, riddle me this. When is a prizefight like a  beautiful lady? Answer: when it's a knockout."
Only when he turns and sees Batman is free and out for revenge does he turn and jump out through the ropes. The Bros were saddened there wasn't a fight in the ring, as much as whatever the 'boxing' was.

 

RD: "It should have been a 12-parter, and it should have been 12 rounds of Frank Gorshin in a boxing ring being a clown."

Instead the fight is a short one at the lair. Even Alfred is there, and he delivers the knockout blow with a bowling pin. Because of course he has one. 

Batman: "Any final riddles, Riddler?"
Riddler: "Yes. What do you throw away that keeps returning?"
Batman: "A boomerang."
Riddler: "Correct. And I'm a boomerang. And I shall be back."

Granted it would take him 12 years, but he did come back for one more try. 

Batman deters Robin from trying to follow Batgirl, though RD knows for sure that if Batman were alone he'd definitely stalk her.
Batman: "Let us respect her disguise as she respects ours."
Robin: "I guess you're right."
Alfred: "Some camel grass juice, sir?"
Robin: "Gosh, Batman, this camel grass juice is great!"
Batman: "Beware of strong stimulants, Robin."

Back at the Office, Gordon gets a visit (through Bonnie) from the Siren, real name Lorelei Circe.
Gordon (aroused): "Ms. Circe, what can I do for you?"
Siren: "It's what I can do for you, Commissioner, that really counts." (She gives a test of the EBS.)
Narrator: "Will the Siren succeed in the plan she has for Batman and Commissioner Gordon? Will her  purring parlay pay off? Watch for the stunning surprise on the next episode!"

Vince thought 35 (he guessed 34) year old Betsy was "definitely long in the tooth" and gives her 1 Batpole. RD was "very generous" for a 4. Peggy Ann Garner was more known for being a child actor, even winning an honorary Academy Award. She too passed way too young from pancreatic cancer. Upon hearing this Vince decides to give her a 2 instead. 

Vince: "I'm getting that old timers' disease, Bro."
RD: "Well maybe it's part-timers'."

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Riddler [7+1] (Frank Gorshin) [6+1]
  
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: The Siren (Joan Collins)
  

 

• Window Celebrity: 3. Jerry Quarry, Armando Ramos, Raul Rojas (the three charmed boxers)
  
• (Soon To Be) Window Celebrity: 1. James Brolin
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Exactly what you are talking about
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1.Off-screen steam escape