Episode 83: Holy Quicksand!: March 19, 2023

Batman's Anniversary
"During a party for Batman's crime-fighting anniversary, the Riddler appears and nabs a golden calf filled with money for charity. His next target is the Gotham City Bank, which he floods for an underwater robbery. Although Batman and Robin try to stop him, the villain makes a clean getaway, leaving only a final riddle that stumps the Caped Crusaders. They discover all too late that his next move is an attempt to destroy them, this time with deadly quicksand disguised as strawberry icing atop a giant cake."
54 minutes

RD: Mesmerized by Anna Gram. I am mesmerized by John Astin's attempt at the Riddler, a story just after Morticia Addams (and some time after Lurch).

Also RD hopes he has fun with Vince, although he seems to already.

RD promises to review 1979's Legend of the Superheroes and its roast version.

Narrator: "Gotham City, a glistening jewel in a sun-filled landscape on a day when all seems right with the world. But in Stately Wayne Manor, some of life's answers still prove elusive." (:08)

Cut to Dick drawing an extensive diagram. "Gosh, Bruce, I'm not really sure how important it is to know the maximum number of pieces a pie will yield after six cuts."
Braless Aunt Harriet: "Well, if you had a house full of guests and only one pie you'd find it was important."
Bruce (armed with a (Bat)protractor): "The trick to this pie puzzle, Dick, is to discover a rule that will give you the maximum number of pieces for any given number of cuts. Now, notice... (He cuts on the cake.) Thank you. Cut number one yields two pieces. Cut number two yields four pieces. (Condescendingly) Do you detect any pattern yet, Dick?"
Alfred whispers for the Batphone.
Harriet: "Oh, Alfred, I'm certainly glad I have you!"

Gordon: "A very serious situation has arisen, Batman. I'm afraid it's of such vital importance and might have such far-reaching consequences, I think we should not even discuss it over the Batphone. ... Now, if you will go directly to the Gotham Plaza Hotel, I'll explain further."
Dick: "Holy cryptology, what was that all about?"
Bruce: "I don't know, Dick. The Commissioner is not given to unnecessary alarm."

Surprisingly going to the Batpoles does not lead to the titles. Instead they lead to the Hotel, (Batman: "Better three hours too soon than a minute late") and Gordon taking him to a ballroom...where of course it's just a surprise party for him. Batman wipes an imaginary tear from his eyes for the honor which finally gives the commercial break.

When we return the big band plays Happy Birthday with the Batman theme. Mayor Linseed says a few words on how the luncheon, "one of many", is to mark the Dark Knight's first work by going against the earlier corrupt Commissioner who was working with crime boss Carmine Falcone. 

For this endeavor the "Gotham City Dairymen's League" have donated $200,000 in a golden calf for his "favorite charity", presented by Milkmaid of the Month Anna Gram. Everyone asks for a speech, including Robin shouting last and directly in Batman's ear. He barely has time to start when bombs explode releasing green gas.
Batman: "Citizens, stay calm! Make your way to the exits slowly!"

Somehow the fire department is already here, despite there being no fire. Of course this is a cover for the Riddler to appear as his men and Anna carry off the golden calf.
Riddler: "Salutations and consolations anniversary boy!"
Batman: "Riddler, that money is for charity."
Riddler: "I'll see that it gets into needy hands. In the meantime, I suggest you look for an engaging page to herald the next of my anniversary surprises. Ta ta!" (He jumps out the window onto a life net.)
Robin: "Holy trampoline!"

Gordon and actual firemen then come late as is their custom.
Batman: "There's no need for axes. There was no fire. Merely a well-planned smoke screen to hide the Riddler's theft of the golden calf."
Gordon: "That enigmatic egotist back to plague our fair city?"

As the Duo exit they see one blue van painted red for the Gotham City Emergency Squad, and another follow close behind.
Batman: "One vehicle is set on an evil course, the other on an errand of mercy. We can't risk stopping the wrong one."
Robin: "Luck is no lady today, that's for sure."
Batman: "Luck generally comes to those who look for it, Robin."
A nearby newsie sells the latest Gotham City Herald for 10 cents so Batman buys a copy to check the puzzle page for any clues.
Robin (shouting all of a sudden): "WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? LET'S SOLVE THAT PUZZLE!"

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in his hideout in the soon-to-be-opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory, the Prince of Puzzlers coaxes his cohorts in a chorus of praise." (:24)
Riddler: "Tell me again, you cringing knaves, am I not the king? Breathes there another mortal who has absconded with a $200,000 anniversary present from under the cowl of the Caped Crusader?"
Goons (lifelessly): "No, Riddler, no one."
Anna: "And who else would be clever enough to turn in a false fire alarm?"
Riddler: "So the real rescue truck would run interference for my escape. Ha ha! What a marvelous piece of riddling genius that was. But I've only started with the Caped Crusaders. I'm going to confound them with conundrums unnerve them with enigmas, perplex them with puzzles until they wish they were dead. Then, my jigsaw jackanapes, then I'll grant their wish."

Riddler's uncharacteristic bloodlust for the Dynamic Duo's death  (much like Catwoman one time) makes the Duo think Astin would have been far better playing another villain. Vince suggests a returning Puzzler. But at least he wasn't trying to copy Frank Gorshin. 

Anyway, this Riddler gives his goons scuba outfits for the next step, then pulls Anna in close. RD thinks her clothes were very tight. Vince did not think much on her figure. 

In the Batcave the Duo continue to work on the crossword on a chalkboard while Robin still thinks about pie.
Batman: "This puzzle's given us a few minutes of mental exercise but it still has to provide us with a clue Riddler promised it would."
From this they learn about another banquet for Batman, hosted by the Sons of Balboa who will donate $100,000...for some reason in the form of a chest of gold doubloons.
Vince: "Like the chocolate with the gold foil."
RD wonders how Batman will cash it. 

Gordon calls: a vault in the Gotham City Bank has just been flooded.
Robin: "A flooded vault."
Batman: "Or a flooded bank."
Robin: "A bank wet, Batman."
Batman: "No doubt Riddler intended to divert us to the wrong banquet...No doubt a wily ruse of some kind. We'll need our Batrespirators."

Narrator: "While the champions of justice race to the Gotham City Bank, the Riddler and his frogmen are already at work in its watery vault room." (:34)

The show does a good job of making a flooded vault, which the villains show off by moving in slow motion as they blow open a safe and fill up a waterproof loot sack as the Movie theme plays (also in slow motion). The Duo arrive to cue up the series' one and only underwater fight; their stunt doubles fight in slow motion while the capes remain still and the Narrator's word bubbles are all watery. The Bros would have watched this all day.
Riddler manages to distract Batman from following by pulling out Robin's Batrespirator while the theme continues to play in slow motion.
Goons: "Worked like a charm, Riddler."
Riddler: "Why not? There's a difference between a Batman and a frogman."

Leaving the vault all wet the Duo find the next riddle speared on a door.
Batman: "Only Riddler and his ilk would have such a flagrant disregard for private property! This door will have to be repaired!"
Robin: "What does that giggling gorilla have to say this time?"
Batman: "Another one of his canny conundrums. "When is a man drowned but still not wet?""

Narrator: "Back in the soon-to-be-opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory, the Prince of Puzzlers tallies his ill-gotten gains."
This requires the goons to literally launder the money, totaling $1.5 million and one, half of what is needed for their plans.

Riddler: "You shallow-brained simpletons, where's your imagination? Your ambition? Why do I have to keep reminding you? Three million dollars will buy us a weapon so awesome, so destructive, so  terrifying, the Gotham City fathers will get down on their miserable knees and offer me anything not to  use it. The entire city will be mine, mine, mine! Caped Crusaders will be wherever it is Caped Crusaders go...when they're dead."
His goons take a delay before they laugh with him.

He then gets visited by a Professor Avery Evans Charm, who needs the amount to complete his "Demolecularizer" "and watch the members of the Gotham City Science Institute quake at my handiwork." He needs the revenge since...he's a high school dropout.
Riddler: "So am I."

Narrator: "When is a man drowned but still not wet? Unaware of the ghastly fate that awaits them, the Caped Crusaders struggle valiantly to solve the Riddler's latest conundrum." (:42)
Not even the Batcomputer "Bat Mo & Ind Computer" can help, whatever that is.
Alfred then appears to remind them of their schedule. "I understand that the Gotham City Baker's Guild
has prepared a rather unique cake in your honor, and wishes you and Master Robin to, uh, pose for the sculptured, uh, marshmallow figures of yourselves which will top the confection."

The cake is a giant one for some reason.
Batman: "It is rather formidable, isn't it?"
One of the goons is pretending to be a chef (Down is his name, Across is the other) and somehow towers over the Duo. He asks them to stand on top of the cake because they need to make a mold of their posing. Of course the Duo find nothing wrong with this, their minds still being on other things.
Batman: "That's the second appointment we've forgotten today, Robin, the final ceremony at Gotham Square Park. In which the funds accumulated in our honor will be turned over to our favorite charity."
The Bros wonder what this charity is, completely forgetting the Wayne Foundation. 

The Duo get on top just as Riddler shows his face, also in a chef's outfit.
Riddler: "Congratulations, Bat brain, you've risen to the occasion."
He pulls a giant lever next to him and the Duo start to sink into quicksand.
Batman: "Riddler's own prepared mix, cleverly disguised as strawberry icing."
Riddler: "That's right, you sinking saps. Quicksand, 15 feet of it. Call it an anniversary present. Sorry I can't stay around to see you descend into oblivion, pastry faces, but I have an appointment to keep with some money at Gotham Square Park."
He then sings his own "Happy Anniversary" before departing.

Batman: "I did think it would all end differently, somehow less ignominiously. To drown in my own anniversary cake."
Robin: "Drown? But in quicksand?"
Batman: "Yes, old chum. Death in quicksand is technically drowning."
Robin: "That's it, Batman! The answer to the riddle! When is a man drowned but still not wet? We'll be drowned, but in quicksand so we won't get wet. Excellent! You've done it again!"
Batman: "Lot of good it'll do us now, though."

Narrator: "Can this be true? Batman and Robin caught in a quicksand cake mix? Is the party really over? Will Happy Anniversary be an epitaph for the Dynamic Duo? To see if they sink or swim, tune in tomorrow! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!" 

Vince: "AEW had a match in an arcade?" 

RD wants to send his glasses to Vince so he can see better.

• Special Guest Villain: The Riddler [6] (John Astin)
  

 

• Blue Van: 1. (Red)
  

Episode 82: Holy Chowder!: March 12, 2023

Penguin's Disastrous End
"The Penguin attempts his scheme's masterstroke, complete with an audacious means of escape no one will see coming."
65 minutes

RD: Dizzy Filet of Soul. Vince thought it said "filly". He is quite excited today, although the episode wasn't as top tier as the earlier two.

The ABA was formed on the original air date, including Vince's beloved New York Nets Americans.

Narrator: "When we last saw Batman and Robin, they were locked into suits of armor and about to be pressed into paperweights by a giant hydraulic crusher. In just one moment, we'll see the crunching finish of our adventure."

Of course the Duo easily break out of the cube they were "crushed" in, completely unharmed from being under "a hundred thousand pounds of pressure". Why it's simple: they also keep the Batmobile's spare tires in their utility belts, which they use to push against the crusher and give them space. But of course. RD demonstrates to an incredulous Vince with some risque arm movements. 

Meanwhile Penguin is in Aunt Hilda's lair telling his goons to store their armor. (:08) When a goon asks why Penguin just gives him a dirty look. 

Penguin: "You got any more stupid questions?"
Goon: "Uh, no, boss."
Penguin: "All right, then close the door. And lock it, fink. Now, where is that dizzy filly of soul and her dizzier aunt, huh?"
Marsha: "I'm not so sure I like being called dizzy, darling."
Hilda: "And I'm not sure I like all those bumpkins cluttering up my nice cave."

She is not sure if she wants to make a stronger love potion for their "diabolical caper" since they are all "barging in here like a rude gang of rowdies."
Marsha: "Oh, don't be angry, Aunt Hilda. After all, Penguin has no place else to go."
Penguin: "No, Auntie. You wouldn't want a poor, homeless bird thrown out into the street, would you? Quack. Quack."

Hilda relents and goes to concoct it, as Penguin needs it to break into a subtreasury to steal $10 million in gold and use it with his stolen military plans.
Marsha: "Why don't you just use the suits of armor?"
Penguin: "That worked once. It won't work a second time."
Yes, it's not as if it proved its use after breaking into the Pentagon Hexagon. 

Unfortunately Hilda is out of lizards, so the potion won't be as potent. Again. Marsha decides to help for once with the secret ingredient of dance: "Don't get yourself in a stew, Pengy."

At Gordon's Office, O'Hara wants to throw Penguin into a scrap pile.
Gordon: "Rock pile would be more appropriate, chief, since there is one at Gotham State Prison."
Vince: "Is that a real thing?"
RD: "MRS DEAL! GET TAMMY SYTCH ON THE LINE!"
Vince: "Maybe Tammy Sytch is making licenses."

Gordon tells Batman that Penguin's plans were outdated by more than 20 years, so much so that they are not on any inventory lists. They do however have "special meta-piercing bullets" in case Penguin decides to use his armor again, assuming the police can actually hit. 

Also for some reason "the police switchboard is flooded with calls about hundreds of lizards running around the Murray Park section of Gotham City." Batman thinks they could lead them to Aunt Hilda. To the park!

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in the basement of the subtreasury building, $10 million worth of gold bullion is being carefully guarded."
The guards complain about their job before they hear the soundtrack. It's Hilda playing snake charming music for Marsha who starts disrobing (as part of her dance of the seven veils). Penguin and goons use the distraction to ambush them and go for the gold.  

The Duo meanwhile have found a manhole where many lizards have been reported emerging from, so they Batrope down into the lair. It's not completely empty; one goon is trying to open up a safe, putting up no resistance as they cuff him.
Batman: "There is no honor among thieves, Robin. (He opens the safe.) It's not difficult if you have
steady nerves and a good ear, qualities destroyed by the tenor of criminal life."
The goon refuses to talk about Penguin's plan. " I might steal, but I don't squeal. And like the Penguin says, after this caper, Gotham City is gonna be in the soup."
Of course this is enough for Batman to figure it out, so they leave him tied to a door as they go back to to the Batcave. 

Robin: "How did that remark tell you where Penguin is?"
Batman: "It wasn't what he said, Robin, but what Penguin had said."
Robin: "You mean about being in the soup?"
Batman: "Knowing the Penguin's twisted mind, he could mean only one thing."
Robin: "Soup?"
Batman: "Name a few, Robin."
Robin: "Chowder. Stew. Ragout. Bouillabaisse. Bouillon. ... Bullion!"
Batman: "Exactly, old chum. Bullion. Penguin is undoubtedly at the federal subtreasury at this very moment. And I'd better call Chief O'Hara."

The Bros argue over if chowder is a soup. (:20 - :27)

Despite the diversion (of the Bros arguing) Marsha is only now at one veil left. At Penguin's sign she blows something to knock out the guards, just as the Duo arrive. The villains respond by...running into the vault and locking the door behind them. The Duo and police take up siege positions to wait them out.

Of course this is all part of Pengy's plan; he brought an oxygen tank, his goons brought construction tools, Marsha got her clothes back and has a drink, Hilda brought her pipe to play on -
Penguin: "If I keep having to listen to that, I'll go straight."
Marsha: "Auntie only gets nervous in closed rooms, darling."
Penguin: "Why don't you try biting your nails?"

O'Hara: "He couldn't possibly escape, Batman. Why, even if he blew a hole in the wall, I've got 200 men stationed outside."
Batman: "I'm sure that you and your fine force of men in blue can handle anything in the realm of the ordinary, chief. But I have a hunch Penguin is cooking up something quite out of the ordinary."
RD: "Why don't they just open the safe?"
Vince: "What if [the villains]'re dead in there?"
My guess is they probably needed to stall for time to accommodate the later climactic set piece.
Anyway Robin breaks out a stethoscope Bat-sound amplifier and a "holy stereo" to eavesdrop.

Cut to Stately Wayne Manor.
TV Anchor: "This is the third day [emphasis mine] Penguin and his henchmen have been holed up inside the subtreasury vault."
Aunt Harriet (braless): "Three days, Alfred. Imagine that. What can he be doing inside there?"
Alfred: "I imagine that our law-enforcement agencies are asking the same question, madam."
Hard cut to the vault.
O'Hara: "What could that mangy creature be doing in there?"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Chief."
Gordon: "And what's he doing for food?"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Commissioner."
Robin: "And what's he -"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Robin."

Hilda has stopped playing by then to have a kitchen to cook up some toad stew (while wearing half a chef's hat). "Do you know how much vitamin B there is in the average toad? Just twice the daily minimum requirement."

Batman feels Penguin will now act, so he goes outside to check on their situation.

The goons announce they're finally done with their work, making Penguin smile in a golden aura: "That Batman thought he had me all wrapped up. That should teach that Caped Codfish something! Never  count your Penguins before they're latched."

As soon as Batman says he's worried, a gold (spray painted) M3 Stuart Light Tank bursts through the wall. (:37)
Robin: "Holy armadillos!"
Batman: "So those were the plans Penguin stole from the Hexagon. Yes, it all makes sense now. He set up his film company to steal the armor from the museum. He used the armor to steal the plans from the Hexagon. And used the plans to build a solid gold tank."
Gordon: "Now he's invulnerable, Batman."
Batman: "No one is invulnerable, Commissioner. Not even inside a tank."
O'Hara (going berserk): "I'll stop that mangy bird if it's the last thing I ever do!"
He moves his car two feet ahead in front of the tank.
Robin: "But he'll be crushed like a walnut!"
Batman: "The brave fool."

The Bros also compliment his foolhardy bravado, especially as the tank completely flattens the car. Penguin and Marsha pop out of the top to gloat as the Duo and Gordon rush to the now suddenly cardboard car. (O'Hara managed to escape into a manhole.)
Batman: "That was a brave gesture, Chief O'Hara. We need more than gestures to stop that fiend."
The Duo run to the Batmobile.

Non fink Howard Finkel was Vince's first driving colleague and introduced him to the Dairy Queen Blizzard.  He also heavily played the lottery.

The tank continues its wondering rampage...somehow. Forget it somehow going without gas (unless the goons brought some with them), solid gold is too soft to really take much hits. Forget the earlier armor-piercing bullets, just throw O'Hara as a human missile to make a dent.
Penguin: "How's it feel riding around in $20 million, Marsha?" (I didn't realize making it into a tank actually doubled its value.)
Marsha: "The springs aren't very good, darling."
Penguin: "Springs? Every bolt of this machine is worth a carload of springs. ... Who's firing that gun?"
Marsha: "Must be Aunt Hilda. She loves loud noises."
Penguin: "Stop that! Those shells are solid gold! Every time she fires that cannon, it costs $50,000!"
Marsha: "Oh, let her have some fun, Pengy. After all, you're a millionaire now." (Unlike before, when he already was?)
Penguin: "Even a millionaire blinks at $50,000!"

Batman (to Robin as they close in): "Can you handle the Batzooka?"
Robin: "The Batzooka! I forgot all about it. You bet I can handle it, Batman."
Batman: "I hope your aim is good." 

Thankfully Robin's stunt double has better aim than he does witty dialogue, and a clean hit easily stops the tank. 
Penguin: "That's a low-down, underhanded trick. Oh, and foiled again. It's exasperating."
Marsha: "Oh. Be a good loser, darling. Page from your own book, huh, Penguin?"
Penguin (to Hilda): "It's your fault! Wasting those golden shells."
Hilda: "Be quiet, dearie, or I'll turn you into a toad. Should I, Batman?"
Batman: "Thank you, but we have other plans for Penguin."
Marsha: "You know, darling, it really is a shame. You and I could have had a marvelous career in movies."
Batman: "I'm afraid your movie career will be interrupted for quite a while, Marsha."
The Bros wonder what she did that could be considered a crime. Indirect aiding and abetting is my guess.

Back at Stately Wayne Manor they somehow obtained the footage from the "movie" instead of giving it to the police as evidence.
Harriet: "It was very nice of Batman to donate Penguin's film to the Wayne Federation of Boys Clubs. I'm sure the boys will enjoy it."
A reminder: this was the same woman who as a member of the "Gotham City Film Decency League" wanted to see the film stopped. Vince reminds that she spent her bra money on drinking instead.
Dick: "Too bad Penguin and Marsha can't see it."
Bruce: "Somehow I doubt if they'd want to, Dick. Besides, by the time they get out of prison, this film will probably be on the late show."
Harriet: "Whatever happened to that weird old lady who was related to Marsha?"
Bruce: "Aunt Hilda? She's back at her old post, teaching a cooking class at the Bruce Wayne School of Home Economics. She never would have left in the first place if it hadn't been for her niece Marsha."
RD wondered why they arrested Marsha for not doing anything, while letting the potion making, tank turret shooting woman go free.
Harriet: "You know, Bruce, I think Batman is quite a good actor. Oh, my, he's very romantic."
Bruce: "I think Batman would appreciate your compliment, Aunt Harriet. Well, perhaps Batman has some show business in his blood."
Alfred: "Don't we all, sir? (To the camera) Don't we all?"

Vince almost forgets to rate the women just before they end recording. (:62) RD gives Hilda 4 Batpoles. Vince has 3.75. (Remember, Estelle Winwood was 84.) The two did not rate Marsha on her last appearance, so they give her 6. If it was as Morticia Addams they would have given 7.5.

Scott Keith of the Blog of Doom will also join in with the induction writing.  

Bill Apter is still not yet in the WWE Hall of Fame.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 3. Burgess, anniversaries, writers and editors and stuff
  
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1.  Spare tires
  

Episode 81: Holy Clanking Crusaders!: March 5, 2023

Penguin Sets a Trend
"In order to keep a close eye on the Penguin (and hopefully locate the stolen chain mail armor), Batman and Robin rejoin Penguin's movie efforts. The next part of his film is to take place in medieval times. Therefore, Penguin has the Dynamic Duo dress in armor suits, but only to trap them with a giant magnet while he snatches top-secret papers from the Hexagon. Batman and Robin free themselves and follow the villain, but after a losing battle with him, the Penguin has them hauled off as scrap metal to be crushed."
63 minutes

RD Won't Resort to Mendacity. Vince has a subtitle of his own, being 30 Days to Opening Day. He always feels tired after recording the progrem at 4 pm. Now he knows how I feel after trying to summarize it.

Narrator: "When last we saw the Dynamic Duo they were in the Penguin's catapult about to be launched over Gotham City and land like a pair of squashed tomatoes with Penguin's cameras set to record their horrible death! ... We'll be back in 60 seconds with the smashing climax."

Vince wonders if there would ever be a Batman who would become terrified in whatever situation he ends up in. RD wonders how Penguin's snuff film would be successful.

Robin: "Holy cliffhangers, Batman!"

Calm and collected Batman takes the time to calculate the cube root of pi and determine where they will land, ideally straight into a remote controlled Batmobile. RD thinks they should have figured out how to get out of their trap rather than guess if they will survive direct impact.
Vince: "How did he figure that out?"
RD: "Because he's Batman."

The catapult fires two dummies ten feet straight into the clouds, giving Batman literal air to remote control his vehicle. Also its raining below them, and the Batmobile has to stop on the road for some children to move. Vince wondered what would have happened if it ran them over. RD knows what the Penguin would add to his film. But of course the Batmobile gets to the Duo in time, deploying a net to catch them. They then walk over the chassis to get in to drive to the Office.
Robin: "Remind me to give the Batmobile an extra quart of oil next time we change it."
Batman: "And now we have to get our hands on a certain oily bird."
RD has to warn not to do such a stupid idea like that in real life.

Vince bought a John Wick rug for his grandchild who was a fan of "Canoe Reeves". His wife did not approve. 

O'Hara: "The nerve of that vulture! We'll catapult him right behind bars where he belongs!" (:17)
Vince is sure Penguin would beat up the Chief every time. RD would bet on the Chief since he has experience with drunken brawls.
The Duos can't just go straight for the villain for fear of losing the stolen armor, so they have to go back to his film shoot.
O'Hara: "Sure and he'll be suspicious, Batman."
Batman: "I hope he is, Chief O'Hara. Suspicion often provides surprises."

Penguin: "And so my Caped Canaries, you have survived your little flight through space, and now you would like to rejoin my film company? QUACK! What do you take me for, a fool? You don't fool me,
Dynamic Double-Talker! There's some hideously honest motive behind all this. You're trying to trick
me, huh? QUACK! Out of my office, quick. Out! Out! Keep moving, you Cupcake Crusaders! You Dynamic Dingbats!" 

Vince: "Do you know exactly what a dingbat is?"
RD: "I do not know what a dingbat is, but I think I'm talking to one."
Vince aims to forget looking up the term for next time.

The Duo walk into the adjoining office where Batman notices the intercom is on and connected to Penguin's. So he takes the opportunity to melodramatically plead to get back to acting. "I'm afraid I've got it bad, Robin baby."

All of a sudden Penguin is listening while carrying a poodle named Mac, and puts it on his desk. (:24) RD reminisces about his old poodles Raleigh and Piper. Both remember their dealings with Piper. The man, not the poodle. Vince out when appearing on Piper's podcast that their heat came from Piper thinking Vince sent Ed Ferrara to meet him first in some sort of power dynamic rather than a misunderstood chance encounter. 

Anyway Penguin takes the bait and invites the Duo back to his movie. "I was once a struggling young actor myself."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in an isolated section of Gotham Central Park, Marsha and her aunt Hilda are looking for elderly toads for Aunt Hilda's evil potion."
Marsha: "How long are we going to have to wait?"
Hilda: "Last time I waited two weeks."

Thus concludes Marsha's (and Hilda's) lone scene on today's episode.

Robin (back in the Batcave): "Great acting job, Batman. You could run for senator. Or governor."
Batman: "Thank you, Robin. Who knows, perhaps I do have a little touch of show business in my blood."
Robin (checking the script): "Holy history. Penguin's gone from Rome to the Middle Ages. The second part of his script is set in medieval England."
Batman: "It doesn't surprise me, Robin. The criminal mind is characteristically erratic and unstable."
Robin: "And gullible. He fell for that act of yours hook, line and sinker."
Batman: "Needless to say, old chum, I don't like having to resort to such mendacity. But considering the
circumstances, I think it was justified."

Returned to the shooting set, the Duo are now wearing large suits of "quite ordinary armor". (:36) As they lumber onto their spots, some goons sneak up behind them and pin them with a two-ton electromagnet.
Robin: "You underhanded weasel!"
Penguin: "Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth."
They are hoisted up into the air. Penguin will deal with them later after "a little appointment with General MacGruder at the Pentagon Hexagon. It seems the good general also has a yen to be a movie actor." He order his also armored (with the stolen gear) "Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg" to march behind him as they leave.
Vince keeps seeing his smoking ashes all over his suit.

Robin: "Holy catastrophes, Batman! I'd sooner see the Russians in the Hexagon than Penguin!"
Batman: "We must stop him, Robin. The Generals at the Hexagon are capable men, but they're trained in open warfare, not the devious kind that Penguin practices. I don't know why they can't just make a deal to send him to Vietnam to help our boys out."

Of course MacGruder is more than happy to work with the Penguin. What, the US military working with Hollywood? Get out of here!
MacGruder: "You, uh, did say that there might be a little part in the picture for me, huh?"
Penguin: "A little part, sir? For a man of your acting ability, there is a colossal part. It is two lines longer than Hamlet, sir."
Shakespeare's longest play of 4,000 lines could take more than four hours to run through, even today. That is unless Penguin meant a shortened radio version, of which Meredith would have had some experience at.)
MacGruder: "Then you do think I have some acting ability, huh?"
Penguin: "Oh, I think all generals do, sir. I think it's part of their equipment, like, uh...like gills on a fish."
He offers the General "an exclusive five-year contract" when he retires.

Major Beasley then enters, so Penguin offers him "an exclusive five-year contract". (He quickly revises his contract for the General to 10 years.) He asks Beasley about Room X, which connects to Room Y, which connects to Room Z. He orders his finks crew there to steal its contents.

MacGruder: "They're heading for Room Z. Beasley, call the cavalry."
Beasley: "Sir, we haven't had any cavalry since 1910."
MacGruder: "Oh. Well, call the army."
Beasley: "Yes sir...sir, we are the army!"
MacGruder: "WELL GET SOME MEN UP HERE! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!"

(Of note: Bob Hastings as the Major was parodying his role as Lt. Carpenter on McHale's Navy. He would also do very well in voice acting including...Commissioner Gordon (from The Animated Series until his death). He probably learned from General Alan Reed who among many roles in his storied career was the original Fred Flintstone.)

They somehow muster some men, perhaps remembering that the US Army does still have cavalry (where do they think their tanks and armored vehicles are?).
MacGruder (to himself): "Remember the Alamo, MacGruder. Remember Custer...No, no, let's forget Custer. Remember Grant and Lee, and Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill. That's it. Remember Teddy Roosevelt."
He has his men fix bayonets before charging in, only to find the armor impervious to their bullets.
During the 'skirmish', among the contents the goons rummage through are "Corn Cob Pipes", of the kind General MacArthur sometimes enjoyed, and "Pearl Handled Revolvers", of the kind General Patton was reported to have handled. 

Meanwhile the Duo are still stuck. (:45) Batman has another idea. He throws something at a nearby lamp to short circuit it, cutting off all the power, including to the magnet. They have no time to get out of their armor as they rush to the Hexagon. 

The villains escape in a blue van despite the soldiers trying to shoot at the tires.
MacGruder: "We have no choice, Beasley. Call the Air Force."
Beasley (noticing the Batmobile): "Sir, I think we may have something better than the Air Force."
Cue car chase with the Duo still in their armor. All the better to hide their stunt doubles, I'm sure.

Batman predicts the blue van can not support the weight of the Knights of the Round Table and their footwork impeccable, and sure enough the next turn flattens one of the tires, causing everyone to run into the nearby alleyway. 

Penguin orders his goons to fall back to their (only a model) lair: "I'll hold off the Clanking Crusaders." He then picks up and rolls barrels at them ala Donkey Kong, bowling the armored Duo down, then gasses them just to be sure. "Now you're in the trash heap where you belong, Dynamic Dodos."
At that moment, a dump truck for Jolly Jim's Scrap Metal Yard pulls up. Penguin offers the crew $10 for some "Scrapped Crusaders". 

And so the Duo are dropped straight into a trash compactor about to be smashed into a cube. And without any protocol droids around to help stop the machinery!

Narrator: "The Dynamic Duo a pair of paper weights? This time the pressure is really on them! Tune in tomorrow for the crushing finale! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

While he was not in this story, RD received a clip of Cesar Romero in the Joker makeup promoting the Movie. (:54)

RD wrote about an early Ultimate Warrior "match" where even then he was not sure what to do. Bobby Heenan would remember how bad his bouts were even with Andre the Giant. Vince remembered how Warrior would satiate his sugar fix by crushing Mrs. Field cookies and inhaling their scent.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• Window Celebrity: 2. Alan Reed, Bob Hastings
• Blue Van: 1
• Screen Shares: 1. Vince
  

Episode 80: Holy Boy Blowhard!: February 26, 2023

Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend
"Penguin forms a motion picture company and teams up with Marsha, Queen of Diamonds. He gets Batman and Robin to take part in his movie. Marsha attempts to put Batman under her spell with drugged lipstick during the love scene."
57 minutes

Vince: "You got that grin on your face bro."
RD: Boy Blunderhead: "Just happy to be here."

Chicago suffered its worst snowstorm on the original airdate. 

Narrator: "An apparently peaceful day in Gotham City. BUT WHAT IS THIS? An armored-car holdup in broad daylight?"

As expected from the title, this is the work of the Penguin, who orders his goons with a trademark quack through a megaphone. The Batmobile is around closer than usual to intervene.
Robin: "We're going to be late for that lecture to the Crime Prevention League. Sounds like we may pick up new material for the lecture."
Batman: "There's nothing like a little on-the-job research, old chum."

The Duo's stunt doubles jump out in a bright glare.
Penguin: "What are you buttinskies doing here? ... This is legal, I tell you! It's legal!"
Batman: "Have you heard anything about legalized thievery, Robin?"
Robin: "Can't say that I have, Batman."
Penguin: "I'll wipe those silly smirks off your faces in court! I'll sue you for assault and battery and aggravated interference!"
Batman: " You're witnessing the final disintegration of a criminal brain, Robin. Years of outlawry have
taken their inevitable toll."
Robin: "But he's right about our being in court, Batman. We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses when they try you for armed robbery!"

All of a sudden O'Hara appears - to take the Penguin's side. The Duo have crashed straight into a movie shoot as directed by the (usually villainous) millionaire. Because you can do that after being arrested for the show's earlier three-part story.
Penguin: "This permit isn't a mock-up, Boy Blunderhead! It's signed and sealed by the Gotham City Motion Picture Commission. And I'm gonna sue the city for $10 million for failure to provide proper protection. Do you hear that, Batman? Ten million dollars! Do you hear that, Batman? Jail! But I'm willing to make a deal."
To the titles!
Vince wonders how they come up with the monetary amounts and why they keep fluctuating. 

Gordon finds out post-hand in his Office that the Duo had signed a contract to star in the movie, and that he too knew about the movie shoot. (:11)
Batman: "Yes, I saw the movie equipment as we drove up. I didn't have time to explain, but I wanted Penguin to think that he'd trapped us. When someone like Penguin sets up a movie company, you can be sure it's not only film he's after."
He can use their involvement to keep an eye on the man and his plans. Vince thinks he was just lying about knowing about the movie to cover that for once he didn't know everything going on in the City.

Meanwhile Penguin is peeved that his co-star...in villainy!...Marsha (Queen of Diamonds) is two hours late. He then dials his phone.

Penguin: "Prop Department?"
Set Department: "No, Mr. Penguin. This is the Set Department."
Penguin (hits another button): "Prop Department?"
Publicity: "Sorry, Mr. Penguin. This is Publicity."
Penguin (hits another button): "Prop Department? (hits another) Prop Department? (another) PROP DEPARTMENT?"
Prop Department: "Yes, Mr. Penguin?"
Penguin: "I forgot what I wanted you for."

But then he remembers the 24,000 gallons of milk needed for Scene 12, which is coming in now. RD would become an arch-villain himself if he could get that much. 

Also there was one pretty lady as his secretary, who only appears for three seconds, too short to be rated.

Marsha finally appears in a large white glare and diamond eye-shadow, and has to take his Pengymobile to reach him "across this football field you call an office".

Marsha: "You wouldn't have asked me here if you didn't want something."
Penguin: "I want to make you a millionairess.
Marsha: "How boring. I'm already a millionairess.
Penguin: "Then how would you like to be a billionairess? All you have to do is to become my partner in
this motion-picture company."
Marsha: "Oh, come, now, Pengy. You don't really think there's a billion dollars in filmmaking."

She agrees to join him and its obvious front. He wants some of her diamonds for her help. She wants to star in his movie.
Penguin: "Well, I was thinking of somebody with more...(He grabs phantom breasts on his chest.) With more "waaah.""
He actually means that she will be co-starring with Batman.
Marsha: "Does Batman have a love scene with the leading lady in your film?"
Penguin: "Why, of course. Who ever heard of a film without a love scene?"
Marsha: "Then I shall be your leading lady. Or no diamonds. I might even be able to get my Aunt Hilda
to whip up a love potion for my lipstick. ... I wouldn't mind winning an Oscar."
Penguin: "An Oscar? Heh! You don't want one of those. My dear, if you play along with me, you are liable to win the most coveted award in the entire motion-picture business. You are liable to win... (he pulls out a familiarly shaped gold statue) ...a Penguin!"
Vince is hopeful the Pengy (statue) is in storage someplace. "Thank God."

In the Batcave the Duo look over the script, "innocent enough" in ancient Rome.
Robin: "But holy miscasts, Batman! We play a pair of barbarian bandits sentenced to fight as gladiators in the Coliseum."
Batman: "Casting us as bandits would appeal to Penguin's warped sense of humor."
He then comes along something dubious in Scene 12, which may need a look over from the "Gotham City Film Decency League". Robin takes a while to be pulled out of his reading by his mentor to agree.
Vince still wonders why the Duo call each other Batman & Robin even when alone in the Batcave. RD wonders if his wife calls him by a different name if so. Also the Duo want to be cautious in case they call each other Bruce & Dick in public.

The Duo making their way to Penguin Studios Inc. the next day almost get run over by a chauffeur trying to give them a dirty red carpet to walk on. (:23)
Penguin: "Well, if it isn't my two ham actors."
Robin: "The only ham here is wearing a top hat."
Penguin: "Tut-tut, Boy Bungler, we can't all be great artists."
They're already going to start shooting the Scene 12, set in the Baths. 
Penguin: "It's a fantastically magnificent scene. I wrote it myself."

Also all the cameramen are blindfolded, to keep them from seeing Marsha arriving fully nude but for a very short bathrobe. Penguin has her "outfit" of three diamonds carried in a suitcase for her to wear.

This is also the right timing for Aunt Harriet to appear (driven by Alfred), since she is a member of this League 'summoned' in protest. You don't say. "Could you point out someone called Mr. Penguin to me?"

Penguin: "This is outrageous. As the leading entrepreneur of Gotham City I will not submit to having one page of my masterpiece enfeebled. And we will not submit to such bullying tones. Kindly remove your Victorian mind from my set, Mrs. C."
Harriet: "Only when you remove this morbid scene from your film. Think of the children!"
Penguin: "I am thinking of the children, madam! Look at this. Twenty-three thousand quarts of homogenized milk here. Fortified with vitamin C. [Wasn't it supposed to be 24 thousand? Did Penguin drink a full thousand gallons of milk?] I tell you, this whole scene is bursting with minerals and vitamins."
Harriet: "This scene is bursting with other things as well."
Penguin: "I suspect this is your doing, masked meddlers. You're always poking your proboscis into other people's business."
Batman: "Decency is everybody's business, Penguin."

He acquiesces to their demands though. So he instead prepares to shoot Scene 43 - where Batman and Marsha share a kiss. Batman is so upset he sits down into a Thinker pose. 

Marsha: "I trust you're going to enjoy this scene, Batman, darling."
Batman: "I made a bargain with Penguin, and I never break my word."
Marsha: "Bargain? Why, half the men in the world would fight to be kissed by Marsha, Queen of Diamonds."
Batman: "They certainly wouldn't have to fight me."

So - Action! She gives him a giant kiss.
Penguin: "Cut it! That's not good enough! Batman, I want you to put some "grahhh" into it! We'll do it again and again and again!"
Robin: "Once is enough, you feathered fraud!"
Penguin: "Tut-tut, Boy Bluenose!"
Marsha: "Penguin is a perfectionist. I'll do it a hundred times if it's necessary. And it will be necessary."

Cut to Stately Wayne Manor. Harriet wonders why pool-playing Bruce has some very chapped lips. (:29) He blames "windburn" when he and Dick visited the Wayne Animal Sanctuary. She pledges to get some salve for it. "Just in case a pretty girl wants to kiss you."

RD is allergic to poison ivy. The plant, not the villainess. 

Dick: "Boy, I'll bet you'll never wanna kiss another girl as long as you live, Bruce."
Bruce: "I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Dick. You're jumping to a rash conclusion."
He thinks there was some "elixir" in the lipstick that needed "a great amount of concentration to combat".
As they will next be shooting in the Museum of Antiquities he had already placed Bat-homing devices on all the art, of which Alfred confirms that they are...still inside. Bruce counters by holding a golf club as his pool cue. 

RD likes mini-golf instead of maxi-golf. 

At the Studio the villains ride on a golf cart (speaking of golf) with an open umbrella at the back. Things are going as planned, but he needs more of Aunt Hilda's concoctions.
Penguin: "I never trust a woman with a secret. And if you're nothing else, Marsha, you're certainly a woman."
Marsha: "A woman with diamonds, darling."

They visit Hilda anyway, back at her giant cauldron with some random creature model inside it (named Mortimer).
Marsha: "Aunt Hilda, have you been robbing graveyards again?"
Hilda: "Oh, no, dearie. I left off that 20 years ago, when I was chemistry professor at Vassar. Until I quit."
Marsha asks for something stronger since the last attempt didn't do much to Batman.
Hilda: "Oh  dear. I'm afraid I'm out of old toads too."
Marsha: "Can't you substitute some new toads?"
The Bros think she should have aged some new toads to older ones, like they're wine or something.

Cut to the Duo at the Museum, still confirming the objects are all still there. (:35)
Batman: "I'm still suspicious, Robin."
Penguin (overhearing): "Suspicious of what, Caped Codger? Don't tell me you're suspicious of the Penguin tampering with these priceless works of art."
Batman: "The thought did cross my mind."
Penguin: "What, a great filmmaker like myself stooping to a petty theft? Why, that's ridiculous."
Robin: "What's ridiculous is thinking you're a great filmmaker."
Penguin: "I write the lines around here, Boy Blowhard! You stick to the script."
Vince wishes he wrote some of these lines in the WWF. 

The museum's curator appears, declaring some 15th century chain mail is gone. Batman suddenly realizes the metal alloy's magnetic field could have "blocked our homing transmission". Penguin responds by having the Duo go through a "light rehearsal" of a fight.
Penguin: "Skewer the scrofulous scullion. Spear him like a cucumber!"
The fight has some really bad swordfighting, including Robin butt-slapping a goon with the broad side.
Seeing the fight go badly (in general, not just with the swordfighting), Penguin cheats by blinding the Duo with a spotlight to trap them. 

Thus the two are tied down in a giant catapult.
Penguin: "This catapult will hurl you through the sky and across Gotham City. I'm sure you'll make a big splash at the other end of your journey. And your last moments on Earth will be recorded for posterity by those two cameras that I've strapped to your legs. And I'll show the film at a special premiere for the Benefit of the Amalgamated Crooks of Gotham City. The In-Flight Motion Pictures Benefit of Penguin Productions Unlimited. Good flight, masked missiles! We'll watch from a better vantage point!"

Narrator: "The Caped Crusaders to end smashed flat? While Pengy's cameras record the splat? Eu tu, Pengy? Friends, Romans, Countrymen, find out next week! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

:40 Vince was reminded somehow of watching old WWE Attitude Era of Sunny dressed as Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday. He remembers when they did a photo-shoot with her that she had no recollection of doing.

RD is ambivalent to Girl Scout cookies. His mainstay is always his wife's oatmeal scotchies (without raisins). 

Vince's cereal of choice is Life. RD's remains Peanut Butter Crunch.

RD still hates Subway. 

Andre the Giant had some sometimes strange matches.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Captain Lou

Episode 79: Holy Catbaby!: February 19, 2023

Scat! Darn Catwoman
"Catwoman mind-controls Batman! Holy Domination! Will the Boy Wonder be able to pause her paws before she performs what-have-you on you-know-what?"
63 minutes

Vince is already preparing for Spring Training. RD: Valentine's Day With RUSSO does not follow his Cincinnati Reds. Mrs. Deal's crab cakes are 85% crab.

Narrator: "When we last glimpsed the masked man-hunter, he was about to be snapped to death by a gigantic bat-trap. And a poor, drugged Robin as the unwitting tool of his destruction! Batman's only hope is to join forces with Catwoman. But we know he won't do that! Or will he? The incredible answer in just one moment!" 

With one thread left, Batman decides to surrender as to not make Robin a murderer.
Catwoman: "You realize I'll have to drug you with cataphrenic to make sure you're not faking."
Batman: "Of course, Catwoman. I wouldn't expect you to believe me."
Catwoman: "There's no honor among thieves, Batman."
Batman: "I'll buy that."

He then asks immediately to take a Bat-pill first since he has a headache.
Pussycat: "Would you like some chicken soup?"

Catwoman drugs him in the lightest manner possible, making him into what RD terms a "spacey pervert." (:10)
Batman: "Heyyyyy. You're a pretty good looker. You got some class, baby. Who are you?" 

After letting him spin her around to check out her tail, they go to the Batmobile to count out her money to make sure it reaches 1 million.
Batman: "Hey, hey, that's a neat haul, Catbaby."
Catwoman: "Only the beginning. A drop in the proverbial bucket. We're gonna live it up! We're gonna wail, doll!"
RD wonders if it is safe to count money in a convertible. Vince would lose count.
She tells him about her plan, and that they are to go to the "Old Criminal's Home." "Oh, would I love to see Commissioner Gordon's face now."

Cut to Commissioner Gordon's face now as he hears from O'Hara that Catwoman is riding with Batman.
Gordon: "The worst has come to pass. Send out an all-points bulletin, Chief O'Hara: "Wanted, dead or alive: Batman, Robin, Catwoman, and Pussycat.""
The Bros express surprise that he would be so jealous as to kill his one true love after a single sighting with the enemy. 

The Old Criminal's Home has a very distinct musical theme. One of the inhabitants, Little Al, is about to go "back in the good old days" before Catwoman tries to stop him. Batman literally throws a laundry bag of the money at him as he keeps going on, while providing her with the mint plans.
Little Al (to the camera): "Criminals just ain't genteel anymore."

Meanwhile Gordon is stuck taking phone calls from Mayor Linseed, Governor Stonefellow, President Johnson, before receiving an anonymous tip. Sadly it is not from Vice President Humphrey. Vince is unsure if Johnson had any First Dogs.

Back at the Catlair Pussycat sings another song named Maybe Now to Robin. No wait, a photo of Robin. During that time there's a random two second cut to a police car. Perhaps they're also listening? RD: "Was Kevin Dunn directing this?"

Robin appears under a sign stating "Robin's Sleeping Do Not Disturb", which is a very helpful use of the series' sign maker.
Robin: "Come on, baby, did you miss me? Are you still madly in love with me, huh? How about a little smooch? You're my kind of dame."
Pussycat: "I hardly even know you, Robin."
Robin: "Kissing is a great way to get acquainted, sweetheart."
Pussycat: "Robin, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression of me. I'm not the type of girl to kiss a boy on the first crime."
Robin: "Close your eyes and pucker, and don't worry about your reputation."
Before anything untoward can occur the police break in, led by the Undynamic Duo, to arrest them. Pussycat asks to change into her street clothes first.

Batman and the other villains see this from afar, and Catwoman wonders how they could have been found out.
Catwoman: "We're gonna have to find a place to hide out, Batman. Do you remember the way back to the Batcave?"
Batman: "Batcave? What's a Batcave?"
She jogs his memory by lightly touching his head. He responds by using the Batgas. 

Cut back to police HQ where Pussycat looks somewhat warm under the police spotlight. Vince still finds her eyes attractive though. The two debate her look again. Vince: "I'm not looking at her eyes!"
Pussycat: "My name is Pussycat. My rank is criminal, second class. I have no serial number. Now, if you want any more information, flatfoot, see my mouthpiece."
O'Hara: "What she needs is a good slap...on the wrist."
Gordon: "You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality."

This leads the two to come up with an actual good plan, broken clocks that they are: tracing the called Batphone.

Vince messes around with his second camera. The angle keeps startling RD. 

At the Batcave Batman wakes Catwoman up, who is of course enamored by the place. (:27)
Batman: "It's a nice little pad, Catbaby."
The Love Theme emerges again as the two sweet talk each other.
Catwoman: "Is there something you'd like to do, Batman?"
Batman: "Yeah, I got your message, Catwoman."
Catwoman: "Isn't there something that you wanna do? Now that we're standing almost mask to mask this way."
Batman: "Sure, Catwoman. But first, we got the heist at the Mint to think about."
Suddenly the Automatic Bat Alarm for Detecting Phone Detecting Equipment rings. Batman flips the Diversionary Bat Phone Line Switch.

Narrator: "Meanwhile, back in the rundown apartment of the world's richest and cheapest inventor, Pat Pending..."
Pat counts his money under his mattress when the police break in. "Stay right where you are, Batman!" one declares. "Judging by your appearance, I'd never guess your secret, but the Batphone line led us right to you!"
Despite Pat's pleas to the contrary, they also have Ruby (Val-let) as Robin down at HQ.
Pat: "That's ridiculous. Rudy's 32 years old."
Officer: "And obviously very spry for his age."
That does make him seven years younger than Victor Paul regardless. 

Back at the Batcave Batman writes a note for Alfred to deliver some Bat-Antidote to Robin. He then again gasses Catwoman before they take off. 

It is now 5 am at the Mint, according to the Narrator and the Love Theme as the Bat and the Cat are around.
Catwoman: "It's cold."
Batman: "Here. You want my cape around you?"
Catwoman: "I prefer your arms around me."
Before they can kiss the other goons interrupt with their timing, the spoilsports.

There is no visible entrance, so Catwoman has to make one with a hammer, rather than the Dark Knight just standing there. To open s safe they use a noiseless explosive called "silentmite", which sadly does not have any helpful sign.

Of course it's not money in the safe, but instead it's Robin, "back to my old, young crime-fighting self."
Batman: "Catwoman, you've been hoist on your own petard."
RD wishes he was more insulting of her for allowing him to take a Bat-Antidote in the first place. But instead he just lightly and symbolically brushes his cloak.
Cue a very short fight with money bags. 

The Undynamic Duo arrive expectantly late and apologetic for again doubting them. RD wishes Batman was more insulting of them for wanting their officers to shoot him. In the midst of all this Catwoman has already taken off in the Batmobile since she somehow took the keys.
Robin: "Holy diversionary tactic!"
Batman: "There is one way we can catch her, Robin. Chief O'Hara, may I have the keys to your patrol car?"
O'Hara: "You insured?"

Of course a normal patrol car has no way to catch up with Catwoman as she speeds at 5 miles per hour to New Guernsey.
Batman: "Here, take this."
Robin: "The remote control apparatus. Why didn't I think of that?"
Batman: "That device can manipulate the Batmobile. The red button is for the brakes, white is for acceleration, and the green button will turn the car a la izquierda o a la derecha."
Robin: "To the left or right. Threw in a little Spanish on me, huh, Batman?"
Batman: "One should keep abreast of foreign tongues, Robin."

The Batmobile slows, Catwoman thinking she is running out of gas. Ditching the vehicle she quickly runs up some stairs in her high heels.
Batman: "Catwoman, come down!"
Catwoman: "You'll have to come up and get me, Batman."
Robin: "What now, mon ami?"
Batman: "You heard what she said, Robin. You stay where you are. I'll take care of this."

He chases after her up to the roof as she crawls around on the floor for some reason (besides the sexuality anyway). (:41)  She gets cornered at the ledge with a raging river below. 

Batman: "You'd never survive the fall. It's a hundred feet down into the river."
Catwoman: "Anything's better than facing prison again."
Batman: "I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you."
Catwoman: "Marry me."
Batman: "Everything except that. A wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely  impair my crime-fighting."
Catwoman: "Then I can help you in your work. As a former criminal, I'd be invaluable. I can reform. Honestly, I can."
Batman: "What about Robin?"
Catwoman: "Robin? Oh, I've got it. We'll kill him."
Batman: "I see you're not really ready to assume a life in society."
Catwoman: "I guess you're right, Batman. Can't teach an old cat new tricks."

And then she falls into the river, away from Batman's reach.  He takes out a Batkerchief as he begins to cry.

Back at Gordon's Office he leads Pussycat and the goons to the 'paddy wagon' to take them to prison to serve out their two week sentences, and apologizes again for doubting Batman and his actions to maintain his cover.
Gordon: "You remember your association with her, Boy Wonder?"
Robin: "It's all a blur. Like a horrible daymare."
They have yet to find a body in the river, so they assume the worst.
Batman: "I can't help thinking that somewhere in that great Catlair in the sky she's looking down
and laughing at us."
Robin: "I feel the same way, Batman. She made good her threat, never again to return to prison. Even though it cost her her life."
Batman: "Or at least one of her lives."

Or at least some weeks of her lives, as she will of course return again.  

Mrs. Deal agreed with her husband that they thought Vince was "completely insane" in his ranking of Gore as Pussycat's look: "He's saying this lunacy when Julie Newmar was on the same screen." RD then puts her up against Pauline, despite Vince's protests.
Vince: "Bro, the woman's dead!"
RD: "If you can't make fun of the dead, who can you make fun of?"
Vince gives her 9.5 Batpoles to match Pauline, basing on her body beyond her face. He then gets stuck looking at random photos of Catwoman online. RD goes 6, but then goes 5.5 because Vince maddened him and his mocking cross-eyes. 

Vince asks about "Rudy's Arcade" which will be 6 years old on April 1st. He also has trouble remembering some names. Those two are not related. (:58)

One of Vince's other co-hosts had an infamous match.

 

• Special Guest Villain: Catwoman [6] (Julie Newmar) [5] 

• Window Celebrity: 1. Lesley Gore
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Valentine's
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Breaking Bat(man)
• Screen Shares: 4. RD, Vince, RD, Vince
  

Episode 78: Holy Hot Dog Stand!: February 12, 2023

That Darn Catwoman
"Catwoman mind-controls Robin! The Caped Crusader must stop her before she does who-knows-what with him!"
55 minutes

RD Is In His Masculine Retreat. He bought a Catwoman shirt just because. Vince was thinking of him.

The previous three-parter forced this story to have to continue next week until the next three-parter. The Monkees are still #1, even in the UK. 

Robin is "a very special speaker" for those graduating Aaron Burr High School, in which he tells them "always to obey the law and support your local police." As if to compound the humor of this "advice", the filmed students seem to be entirely disconnected stock footage. 

Catwoman is also there with her henchwoman Pussycat, as played by the singer Lesley Gore.
Pussycat: "But I'm just a rock 'n' roll singer. I'm not a crook."
Catwoman: "Oh, forget it. You're 20 years old. You're over the hill."

She sends her to stop Robin by standing in front of him and flirting with him. He responds by having his voice crack.
Pussycat: "I can see a very important part of your education has been grossly neglected."
Robin: "That's a funny-looking outfit you're wearing."
Pussycat (looking at his groin): "I could say the same for you, big boy."
Suitably distracted, she injects him at the back of the neck with "cataphrenic", immediately putting him through puberty. 

Immediately the villains see Chief O'Hara approaching and hide. Catwoman just turns around and squats towards the wall.
Robin: "What's it to you, fella? Get out of my way or I'll give you a fat lip!"
O'Hara (to Pussycat): "What have you done to him, you little banshee?"
Robin lightly presses on O'Hara, causing him to make a huge pratfall. The two youngsters leave, as do the villains. 

In the Batcave of course Batman senses something is wrong before Gordon calls to tell him of Robin's "attack: he had the wind knocked out of him, but he's recovered." (:12) 

Batman drives to the Office over the titles.
O'Hara: "It was as though the devil had taken him. He was trifling with some little red-headed girl and he answered my greeting by tripping me. Who could have put him up to such a dastardly deed?"
Batman: "Chief O'Hara, had you ever seen this titian-haired wench before?"
O'Hara: "She couldn't have been more than 18, give or take four years. Kind of young for crime business."
Batman: "In today's rapidly changing world, one never knows."

Meanwhile at Stately Wayne Manor, Alfred is working on a floral arrangement as bra-less Aunt Harriet asks about Bruce's study.
Alfred: "Uh, well, madam, every man likes to have someplace that is, uh, a sanctuary. Far away from the, uh, if you pardon the expression, opposite sex. Now, uh, for those less fortunate than Mr. Wayne, it's the barbershop. For him, his study. A masculine retreat far from the threat of female encroachment."

SPEAKING OF female encroachment, suddenly Robin leads the villains straight inside to tie up the two.
Robin: "SHUT UP OLD MAN!"
Catwoman sits on the coffee table to gloat before lapping some milk out of a saucer as sensually as possible, as her goons blow up a safe by using what may be more stock footage.
Catwoman: "He's under the influence of cataphrenic. A drug which reverses all the normal moral and ethical standards and causes a person to become the exact opposite of what he was before."
Alfred: "So now he's just as pro-crime as formerly he was anti?"
Ward gets an excuse to break into a huge smile as he waves some money bills in Pussycat's face. "Stick with me, sweetheart. We're going places together. As soon as we get enough cash, we'll lay low across the border."
Catwoman: "All this is working capital. We got a much bigger job to pull."
Robin: "Yer tha boss, Catwoman!"
Then he passes out from the drug, so the villains have to carry him off. 

Batman is still at the Office when the Batphone calls for him to answer.
Alfred: "Master Robin was just here with...with Catwoman."
Batman: "Catwoman?"
Gordon: "Catwoman?"
O'Hara: "Catwoman?"
Apparently the safe contained $200,000 of "housekeeping money", which seems like too much even for a 60's mansion.
Batman: "It appears she has the power to cloud men's minds."

In her Lair Catwoman lays spread eagle on her couch, Robin is still unconscious, and Pussycat has a background music record that she wants to sing to the male goons: (Philip) Marlow, (Sam) Spade, and (Simon "The Saint") Templar. The Bros think those are cat references for some reason. (:22)
Catwoman: "Music? I told you to forget about music. Now, either you're gonna be a singer, or you're gonna be an arch-criminal. You can't be both. You're too short."

She temporarily leaves, giving Pussycat Gore the excuse to sing California Nights, causing the men to dance and give odd applause. Sadly, since the song only charted to #16, RD: "which proves definitively that Lesley Gore is no Mickey Dolenz." Vince thinks that she is a challenge to his top girl Pauline, much to RD's bemusement. 

Singing out of the way, Catwoman requires "another $800,000. And Batman. In that order."
Goon: "That's a tall order, Catwoman. About 6-foot-2."
She calls on her Catphone to the Batphone through Gordon: "Stop fumfering and be quick about it!"

Batman: "I know you didn't call to ask about my health, Catwoman. What have you done to Robin?"
She asks not to be stopped in her crime spree, or she'll kill Robin "instantly".
Batman: "Catwoman, I find you to be odious, abhorrent and insegrevious."
Catwoman: "Dealing with you has expanded my vocabulary, increased my word power, uh...a whole lot."
She asks to meet in person, but Gordon tells him not to for fear it is a trap.
Catwoman: "Are you listening, Commissioner Gordon? Tut-tut-tut. Don't you know that that's illegal?"
She hangs up.
RD: "At this point Commissioner Gordon attempts to apologize to his lover Batman."
The Dark Knight decides to go by himself, asking the two not to attempt to capture her. 

Catwoman tells Pussycat her plan is to get her $1 million in bills "to purchase plans of the Gotham City Mint."
Pussycat: "The mint? Wow, you always did think big, Catwoman."
Catwoman: "Why not? I'd get the same prison term for knocking over a hot dog stand. When you're a 12-time loser it doesn't make much difference what you steal."
They had already attacked a hot dog stand anyway in the middle of getting another $100,000. Meanwhile Robin is still motionless.
Catwoman: "Ah, probably gave him an overdose. Hahaha!"

Their next target is "the decrepit loft apartment of the world's richest and cheapest inventor, Pat Pending". (:32) He tells his "val-let" Rudy that he's just perfected a universal solvent, but Rudy wonders if they have a container or "perpetual motion machine" to keep it in. At least he has his money in his mattress, which Catwoman just walks in to take.
The next robbery is at a hospital, which we don't see. Instead Gordon learns from the witnesses that they just stole the small bills. They also heard he may be attending the "annual weighing-in" of Prince Ibn Kereb of Gedallia, where he gives his weight in money to charity. 

(Also the obviously "enlightened" network didn't pick up that Ibn Kereb is "heir of the dog" in Arabic, if put in other words.)

Gordon: "We must notify Batman."
O'Hara: "You bet, commissioner. To the elevator!"

Of course the villains with an awake Robin are at the ceremony. 
Catwoman: "This is a surprise attack. Now, you all have your instructions. Synchronize watches."
Spade: "None of us have watches."
Catwoman: "Argh! Just...get the money and run! [To Robin] How are you feeling, Robin?"
Robin: "Hmmm... Purr-fect."Catwoman: "You're learning."
RD remarks on how tall Newmar in heels was to the group she was in.
Robin suddenly grabbed at Catwoman's posterior for some reason. RD has to disclaim not to do such things in the present day.

Batman appears, but unfortunately Robin does not know who he is. "Who's the character in the ridiculous costume?"
Batman (to the camera): "What a dastardly development this is."
He tells the police to keep out for a bit as he easily defeats the inept goons while Robin gets to the money and Catwoman has to tell the flailing prince to shut up.

Catwoman: "Robin? Slay the blue dragon."
Robin: "Groovy!"
Neither Bro remembers Batman just standing there not doing anything while Robin keeps punching him in the jaw like a boxing bag before giving a chair shot.
Satisfied by this totally real beatdown, the villains get in her Catillac to cross over to Catlair West, New Guernsey (not to be confused with neighboring New Jersey where Gotham City lies).  

Catwoman of course knows Batman is after their new lair, but she takes the time to poke at a bird in its cage. (:42) Batman is reminded of a similar scene in Batman Returns where Michelle Pfeiffer swallowed an actual bird and spat it at the camera.
Batman notifies Gordon of his location as he stands around signs pointing to the Secret Entrance.

Robin is found tied to a chair, having pretended to be brainwashed as a "turncape"...but of course he is pretending to pretending. "Would I do that to you, Batman baby?"
Two goons then zap Batman with cattle prods, causing him to do an exaggerated shock. 

Thus Batman is in a large mouse trap as Robin is cutting a line. Catwoman asks for his help to prevent that. "In other words...you'll be beside yourself!"
Batman: "I'll never be your partner Catwoman!"
Catwoman: "Ho-hum. Boy Wonder, start cutting."
Cue Robin sawing with a raucous grin.

RD: "Are our eyes deceiving us?...Oh, whoops, I don't have the Narrator." 

Narrator: "Holy Battrap! What a decision! A life of crime or no life at all? There's no way out...or is there? Tune in next week for the shocking answer! Same Cat Time! Same Cat Channel!"

Apparently Gore appeared on the show to first sing California Nights due to being a niece of show producer Howie Horwitz. Vince was surprised on how better she looked on the show. He looks at her singing It's My Party three years earlier compared to her look in '89.

Vince doesn't understand negative comments on the internet.

The Arcade will have 8 player Super Smash Bros. Ultimate playing on the Skyline Drive-In's big screen in April.

• Special Guest Villain: Catwoman [6] (Julie Newmar) [5]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Catwoman's shirts
• Window Celebrity: 1. Lesley Gore
• Screen Shares: 1. Vince
   

Episode 77: Holy Survey!: February 5, 2023

All Star Family Feud: Gilligan's Island vs Batman (1983)
63 minutes

RD: Not One of 100 Surveyed. Give him the X.

As you may guess, this is something completely different from the regular television progrem. For one thing this was 1983. Recent college graduate Vince had just married. Teenage RD wanted to be Simon LeBon. This particular recording also has the commercials, broadcast from Cambridge, Massachusetts' own WLVI (Channel 56). 

First RD has to explain what Family Feud is. 

One of the other competing All Star TV shows was the timely Hawaiian Eye (1959 - 1963), starring Robert Conrad and being the first of its crime/procedural shows located there.

Competing for Gilligan's Island are:

• Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper Jonas Grumby) being quite excited to be there with his hat
  
• "Uncle" Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) seated due to a backstage injury
  
• Nataie Schafer (Eunice "Lovey" Howell)
• Russell Johnson (The Professor Roy Hinkley)
• Dawn Wells (Mary Ann Summers)

Tina "Ginger Grant" Louise was absent. So was Gilligan! (Richard Dawson gave an ending "Hello Bob Denver, wherever you are.")

Representing for Batman "as they are today" in one of those old photo settings are:

• Adam West (Batman)
• Lee Meriwether (Movie Catwoman)
  
• Yvonne Craig (Batgirl)
• Burt Ward (Robin)
• Vincent Price (Egghead) selling being choked by Craig

Dawson, wearing a huge bowtie, greets the Islanders first. To Backus: "I understand you wanted a stunt check for this show." He still keeps to his gimmick of shaking the mens' hands and kissing the womens' faces, including poor Wells three times to the point of actual kissing.

West (wearing teenage RD's glasses): "We're playing for World Vision. That's a...charity, that...helps...needy children...all over the world."
RD: "That sounded like a total scam."
They've already won $5,520, surprising RD with the low 2023 numbers of $16,500. To be fair, current Celebrity Feud teams playing for charity can win up to $25,000 in one day, so it is not that big of a gap. Though instead of Dawson throwing himself all over the women, it's Steve Harvey practicing his flustered face at some of the responses. 

West (introducing Meriwether): "Lee Anne Meriwether, one of the worst villainesses to ever walk Gotham City...and...Miss America at some point."
She meows in response.
Then there's the "young" Craig who gave "such humor on the set". Then there's "the taller half - I mean the tougher half of the crimefighting Duo". Then there's "Mr. Vincent Price, one of the most horrible people ever". 

Meriwether really gets into it, giving Dawson a kiss for each family member, then one from her straight on the lips. Dawson: "You have any more family members?" Unsurprisingly Craig is quite peeved out, giving only a slight peck and immediately wiping her upper lip. RD has to do math to find she would have been 46 then, five years younger than Dawson (and still looking good). He doesn't help things by looking under their table at their legs. 

Ward mentions his business across the border in good old Montreal, being rather timid for some reason. Dawson thinks he needs a fee for helping promote it. Dawson is believable when he calls Price the nicest guy on the planet. Cue Price messing around for fun by marking a lollipop handle's tip black for further charity (of a $100). But it's the other team who has a winning one.

The Bros have spent 21 minutes talking about 8 minutes of a half hour show.

Anyway. Give me West. Give me Hale. 100 people surveyed. Top five answers on the board. Name something people buy before boarding a plane.
Vince: "A magazine."
RD: "Food."
West: "A ticket."
That's #3.
Hale: "Dramamine." (Anti-air sickness pills.)
That's #4, so West chooses to play after Ward shouts "GO FOR IT!". 

Meriwether: "Luggage."
Strike 1. Dawson mocks her for this by pretending to carry clothes. "If you do this, people will be laughing at my jockey shorts."
Craig: "Insurance."
That's #1, worrying the Bros on what people were flying on. To be sure, people were also heavily buying it during the heyday of the pandemic.
Ward: "Souvenirs."
Strike 2.
Ward: "RATS!"
Price: "Something to read."
That's #2.
West: "A toy."
Dawson: "What?"
West: "For the children."
Strike 3. West gestures in confusion.

For their chance to steal, the Islanders guess candy or gum. That's #4, winning them $90 (for $190). Vince thinks they should have been disallowed for giving two answers. Gum was the correct response, but Vince knows they would have chosen candy. 

Cut to commercial and a man having a nightmare because he's missing Miracle Whip for his sandwich. RD loved it when younger. Vince still hates all kinds of mayonnaise.
Cue another commercial for National Enquirer, of all things. RD reenacts the narration. 

Backus is not leaving his seat for Round 2. (:29) He gets a buzzer at their table, as he is up against Meriwether. 100 people surveyed. Top seven answers on the board. Name the most relaxing thing you do.
RD: "Lay in bed."
Vince: "Sleep."
Meriwether: "Watch TV."
#4.
"Uncle Jim": "Make love."
Dawson would give some money for that response even if it wasn't on the board at #5. The Batmen choose to play.

Craig: "Take a hot bath."
Dawson salivates at the thought, which is #3.
Ward: "Listening to relaxing music."
#6.
Price: "There's nothing I find more relaxing than gardening."
Everyone is surprised despite it not being a bad answer. Sadly it's a Strike
West: "Sleeping."
Of course it's #1.
Meriwether: "I read Vincent Price's books."
#2, although I would have put Price's books exclusively at #1 if I could.
Craig: "Get a massage."
Cue Dawson again, though it's Strike 2.
Ward: "I'd go for a walk in the park."
Good answer, although it's not up there either.
Ward: "RATS!"

The Islanders' attempt "have a drink." Sadly it's not up there. #7 is instead sunbathe.
Dawson: "Yes, sunbathe. Then have a drink. Then make love. We'll be right back."

Cue commercial for Heinz 57 Sauce. RD found the smell awful.
No Nonsense Pantyhose goes completely 80s in its look. Wrote RD: "THIS IS SO HOT." Vince: "There were a lot of chicks, but there was one main chick." (The one with the short hair.) RD gives her 7.5 Batpoles. Vince gives her a "solid" 8.
Then there is a commercial for Benson, starring the dearly missed Robert Guillaume, who would later voice The Lion King's Rafiki. Of course RD has to retell his time he couldn't meet Rafiki on his banana break.
Speaking of stress with children, you can call the Parental Stress Hotline, assuming the image of a child laying in a prison bar style crib doesn't scare you off.

For Round 3 (:39) Craig and Schafer face off. 100 people surveyed. Top five answers on the board. Name something you bring into the bedroom for a day when you are sick in bed.
Vince: "Chicken soup."
RD/Craig: "Medicine."
Unfortunately that is not up there.
Schafer: "A book."
That's #2, so the Islanders get to play.

Johnson: "The telly."
That's #1. Vince reminds that the TVs back then were still barely a foot long and put on carts.
Wells: "Food."
#3.
Hale: "Bed tray."
Cue confused Dawson. Also it's not up there.
Backus: "Radio for some soothing music."
Not up there either.
Schafer: "Cards so we can play solitaire."
Ah, the 80s. Also Strike 3.

For their chance to steal the Batmen have tissues/Kleenex. A good answer - but also not up there. That would be a humidifier/vaporizer and a telephone. Neither had a vaporizer in their youth, only salves. And RD didn't even have Vicks! Now his wife has oils for that.

Round 4 (:44) has "Robin vs. the Professor from Gilligan's Island." RD: "I've always wanted to say that." 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name an actor or actress who is also a political activist.
RD/Vince: "Ronald Reagan."
Johnson: "Jane Fonda."
Top answer, so they play.

Wells: "Paul Newman."
#3.
Hale doesn't have anything, just some almost submitted babbles of confusion. A non answer is an automatic Strike (usually when the time expires in normal matches).
Backus: "Ronald Reagan, and God bless him."
#4, and confirming for certain his views. And I'm sure Howell was a conservative too.
Schafer: "Ed Asner."
That is #2, giving them the clean sweep of the board and the win. Batman and company will still play tomorrow against Lost In Space, a show that RD hasn't seen yet.
Wells and Johnson will go for the Lightning Round/Fast Money, giving Dawson an excuse to uncomfortably hold and kiss her to lead into the commercial break.

SPEAKING OF WOMEN, here's advertising for Woman's Day magazine about the "shock of rabies" and 200 calorie cheesecakes (which is even more of a shock if it doesn't involve NutraSweet).
This is followed by (Madge's) Palmolive dishwashing liquid that's soft on hands as demonstrated with a very tiny bowl.
Then there's a commercial for Fab fabric softener with state of the art computer graphics of drawn static electricity.
Then SPEAKING OF NutraSweet, there's something for sugar free Jell-O, which was never really my thing regardless of content. 

Wells is up first for another kiss, her fifth today. (:50) She has 15 seconds (now 20 today) for answering five questions. RD will also go first for the purposes of this progrem.

• Name a foreign country that sex symbols come from. RD: "France." Wells: "Italy." 22 (of 100 surveyed) also named that.
  
• An animal big game hunters hunt. RD: "Elephant." Wells: "Deer." Somehow that gets 17.
• A fabric evening gowns are made of. RD: "Silk." Wells: "Chiffon." 12.
• A position on a baseball team. RD: "Catcher." Wells: "Pitcher." An obvious #1 with 47.
• A chocolate food. RD: "Chocolate bar." Wells: "Hot fudge sundae." 2. 

This all adds up to an exact 100, halfway to the 200 needed which Johnson needs to get (despite not getting any kisses). He gets 20 seconds (25 today). He also moves around randomly during his part, which Dawson notes he did on the last show.

• Name a foreign country that sex symbols come from. Vince: "Sweden." Johnson: "France." #1 answer at 35.
  
• An animal big game hunters hunt. Vince: "Lion." Johnson: "Tiger." 9. Vince's was the #1 answer.
  
• A fabric evening gowns are made of. Vince: "Cotton, probably." (He can't choose silk since that was a repeat answer.) Johnson: "Silk." 12. #1 answer at 37.
• A position on a baseball team. Vince: "Outfielder." (He can't pick Catcher or Pitcher.) Johnson: "First Base." 10.
• A chocolate food. Vince: "Cake." Johnson: "Cake." #1 answer at 54, pushing them over 200! This calls for a celebration, brought to you by...

Nuprin Pain Relief Formula, with this marvelous ingredient called ibuprofen.
Once you feel better you can polish and wax your surfaces with Endust.
And after you clean your house you can go back to school with some horrendous clothes from JCPenney. 

One last return to the game show. Batman's total is now $5,705, while Gilligan's has $10,970. RD still doesn't like the low numbers. Everyone shakes hands and celebrates. 

Vince feels like Abe Simpson yelling at the sun because they don't have things like this in the current day. "What happened to all this stuff? What happened?" He also feels for the actors who had negative thoughts about being typecast in those roles (except for Price, who has definitely transcended his genre even now). On the other hand, as RD notes, there is a rebound now with people now recognizing and celebrating the actors and their roles, no matter the situation.

RD wants to eventually do the next day's show with Lost In Space. 

Remember when Wardlow beat up 20 men and potentially dashed his chances beyond his control? 

RD and Rupert's Kids are doing their own Celebrity Family Feud thing in Shelbyville. He doesn't know if they will be facing Hawaiian Eye.

RD Dawson kisses Julie Newmar's picture on his Batman cup.

• SPEAKING OFs: 3. Great stuff, Hawaiian Eye, great shows
  

Episode 76: Holy Pam!: January 29, 2023

The Penguin Declines
"As the Joker and the Penguin's zodiac theme become even more grandiose, the Dynamic Duo's dissolution becomes its ultimate goal."
66 minutes

RD Gonna Blow Russo's Mind. Let's hope it's not Scanners style. Vince wishes he had the ratings numbers for this three-parter and wonders why they didn't have two villains at a time more often (budget permitting). The series has two other three-parters upcoming.

Vince has not seen Miracle on 34th Street. 

"Lovely" Venus seems to suffer an asthma attack despite Batman's assuages. He easily snaps his chains and pries open the clam to reveal a totally unharmed Boy Wonder. 

Robin: "Holy human pearls, Batman!"
Batman: "Correction, Robin. Pearls come from oysters. You came out of that clam."
Robin: "How'd you break your chain, Batman?"
Batman: "Every man has his own unknown inner strength at a time of crisis, Robin. I'm sure had the situations been reversed, you would've found your strength."

They can't take her to the Batcave with her so Batman suggests using "my friend Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment" since he never uses it. RD remembers the Dynamic Duo living in an apartment instead of a Stately Manor in the 70s comics.  

Batman: "Of course, you'll have to stand trial for your earlier misdeeds."
Venus: "As should any citizen who breaks the law, Batman." 

Meanwhile at the lair Joker inquires how goons Uranus and Mars are doing on "Operation Laundry Bag". They promptly arrive in a prison laundry truck blue van with a snuck out Pengy still in a bag.
Penguin: ""Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir!" (:12)
Joker at first wants to give him his old clothes back. "For or a minute I thought those were prison issue."
Penguin: "Prison issue? This sartorial triumph a prison issue?"
Joker: "Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor."
Penguin: "Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!"
Before the two can brawl they hear that their prisoners have escaped. They thus pledge to take down Batman by linking arms and doing a slight dance. 

Vince had a laugh trying to imagine a giant clam consuming the entire Batmobile.

Back in the Batcave the Duo wonder about the next crime and its connection to Aquarius (the water bearer). Batman thinks it may be in the sewers. Robin reminds him he tried that once before.

Batman: "Maybe this time he's aiming higher. Maybe he has some mad scheme for stealing the entire Gotham City water system."
Hard cut to the lair.
Penguin: "Stealing the entire Gotham City's water system? It's magnificent, Joker."
But Joker also remembers he tried that once before. Instead he will change all the water into strawberry "Joker-Jelly".
Penguin: "It's very ingenious, Joker. A crime almost as good as one of mine."
Joker: "One of yours? Those piddly escapades?"
Before the two can brawl...again...they remember who they should be really fighting. 

Joker needs Pengy's help for the final crime of Capricorn (the goat), which in this case is Batman (if he is in fact the greatest of all time), "by using that suave Penguin charm to captivate a beautiful girl." Said girl is Venus, tracked by a homing beacon in her shoe.
Penguin: "Oh, I'll sweep her off her feet! I'll charm the stars into her eyes! Women of America beware! Don Juan Penguin is on the loose!"

As he prepares for his date with a gallon of cologne and filing his nails while still wearing his gloves, Joker uses another outside shot at a reservoir as he prepares his mixture.
Uranus: "Just think, Mars. You turn on the faucet and out comes strawberry jelly."
Mars: "Yeah, that's a great idea. You know, if you got a sink full of biscuits."
Then hey all laugh. 

Thus Robin is the first to get such a red liquid which he immediately drinks. "Holy jelly molds. It looks like strawberry jelly. But it tastes like strawberry axle grease."
Batman declares going to the reservoir with the Batcopter. "It has the portable Batlab in it." 

The Bros remark on how different and vibrant the production and shooting of the story was for. 

Narrator: "And while the Dynamic Duo are rushing to the reservoir, Gotham City has gone dry as a bone."
Cue montage of the cityfolk getting red jelly, including O'Hara showering while wearing a towel. 

The Duo get to testing on the waterside.
Robin: "We'd better hit it pretty soon, Batman, or there'll be a lot of thirsty Gothamites."
Batman: "Worse than that, Robin, if a fire should break out, the fire department would have no way of putting it out."
Robin: "Holy holocaust! [sic] I forgot all about that."
I would assume this is the original meaning, "destruction or slaughter on a mass scale, especially caused by fire or nuclear war". But you'd think 20 years removed from the War they may have used a different word there.

Before he can remark on his ward's choice of words, Batman answers his Batphone by plugging it into his utility belt's "mobile phone Batplugs". Gordon informs him Joker wants $10 million. Batman asks not to give in although it will take time to analyze things. O'Hara contributes by wandering into his boss' office still in his bath towel. 

Meanwhile in the apartment Venus is getting a random deluge of gifts from Don Juan Penguin. (:28) "Those are no flowers from a bat-eared buffoon. Those are from a mature admirer. Your suitor. Oh, you ravishing rose of womanhood. Waugh! Waugh!"
Despite Venus' requests to go straight, Penguin still wants to "pay tribute to your beauty and your charm and your gaiety and your wit. And to that end I have brought you another little token of my admiration. [Shouting offscreen] Token!"
Said token is given by none other than Rob Reiner in his first televised role, handling "Surplice Number Six", "the most expensive perfume in the whole world" at $1000 per ounce. 

Penguin has he and Venus sit down and orders his goons to close the curtains ("Drapes!") and light some candles ("Candles!"). She wants a glass of water but instead gets strawberry jelly. "I guess that's how rich millionaires live." So Pengy seduces her with that hard liquor of..."Champagne!"
Venus: "I really don't think that I should, Pengy."
Penguin: "Why? You want to die of dehydrophalia?"
Venus: "What's that?"
Penguin: "Well, that's the loss of precious bodily fluids due to a lack of liquid in the tissues. Drink it up, my dear! Save yourself from sin!"

Meanwhile meanwhile Batman solves the water issue by...throwing a "special exploding Batarang" with "de-gelatinizing agent". Because of course. 

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile Penguin asks "my sprig of mint" to help him "turn over a new leaf" by getting his criminal record from the Batcave. "Until that is destroyed, I can never feel like an honest man. ... Only you have faith in me, my alluring azalea. Only you can wipe out my past. You ask Batman to take you there, my lovely lady slipper." 

Already feeling drunk from just one drink of champagne and still feeling so later in the day after Pengy has gone to be replaced by Batman, she asks the Dark Knight to see the Batcave. (:37)
Batman: "Your decision to lead an honest life was difficult and dangerous. Consider this your reward."
But he has to Batgas her first before she can enter. Robin places her in the passenger side of the Batmobile...then sits on top of her body. 

In the Batcave Batman Batgasses Venus again to wake her up.
Venus: "It's fabulous."
Batman: "It's a place to hang our cowls. That's the Batcomputer. And over here is the Batspectrograph Criminal Analyzer. And that is our Batradar."
Joker: "And over here is the Penguin. And over here is the Joker."
And then all the villains jump out of the clown car of the Batmobile's trunk.
Penguin: "Stay where you are, unpleasant adolescent! One pull of this trigger and this deadly umbrella gun will fry you to a fritter!"
RD thinks not many people know about fritters these days, not even in his Midwest. 

Venus is apologetic of her actions.
Batman: "He's fooled much shrewder people than you, Venus."
Vince is reminded of when the Rock was cutting a promo on Ken Shamrock who expressed surprise at not being the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The villains gloat on converting the Batcave into the headquarters of the city's villains which would make for an interesting series if DC/WB Discovery ever comes to its senses.
Of course Batman already knew that they would try to sneak in in this way, so he had them come while depleting the umbrella gun's power with a "negative ion attractor", then scanning them with his recently completed Batspectrograph Criminal Analyzer for their physical stats and "other scientific data that
may prove invaluable in the future".
Joker: "Well, your Batspectro junk heap isn't gonna do you any good where you're going, Batman!"
Vince wonders where the writers got all their technobabble (besides gaining ideas from watching Star Trek). 

Batman: "Shall we, Robin?"
Robin: "Let's, Batman."
On RD's pinball table this starts a "Holy multi-ball!" but here it just starts a fight with their stunt doubles just bouncing around the atomic pile and laying around on the floor (except for one goon upside down with his legs in the air). During it RD thinks someone snuck in a "Pam!" in the fight  bubbles. Joker also tries to carry Robin on his shoulders onto the atomic pile for some reason. 

Defeated, the Villainous Duo had still seen the inside of the Batcave...but not the outside, so they still don't know where it is. Before the two can brawl...again...again...Batman breaks out the Batgas. 

Back up to Stately Wayne Manor, bra-ed Aunt Harriet reads Bruce's horoscope: "Venus is in the ascendancy." (:50)
Harriet: "But someone told me that both the Joker and the Penguin were after Batman and Robin almost got eaten alive by a giant clam. How could one little clam eat a boy his size?"
Mrs. Deal: "Who told her this? I bet that Aunt Harriet and Chief O'Hara were at some bar getting drunk together."
Alfred shows up to announce dinner to Dick's dismay: clam chowder.
Bruce: "Chin up, old chum. It's one way of getting even."

To the Bros this story was clearly the best that they've seen so far, of which I must agree.

As expected RD found Venus attractive, giving her a "solid" 7.5 Batpoles. Vince, despite his opinion, gives her a "mediocre at best" 5 though he feels he's being too kind. 37 year old Terry Moore was acting in movies since 1940 (including Mighty Joe Young), and 18 years later would pose in Playboy. She also had a relationship with Howard Hughes and supposedly had a secret marriage (without a divorce). Besides that she was married (an additional) five times. Also as of this writing she is still living.

Vince, still wondering how Moore got on the show, next wonders if Madge Blake was using a different voice for Aunt Harriet. 

Next day/story will have "That Darn" Catwoman, regardless of if it can live up to this story or not.

Ric Flair won a Gooker award.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [6] (Cesar Romero) [6]
• Extra Special Guest Villain:  The Penguin [7] (Burgess Meredith) [7]
  

 

• Entertain The People: 1
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Batman, Man of Steel (Son of Martha)
  
• Blue Van: 1
• (Soon To Be) Window Celebrity: 1. Rob Reiner
• Screen Shares: 1. RD