Minisode #170 DoritosMania

by iggy



March 26, 2010

WrestleMania weekend
The first first blood match for women
Colonel Carter calls.
Three Degrees of Spicy Doritos
Kimberly Page will yoga with you if you pay her.
DDP's smilin' gimmick
Stewart Patrick debuts.

#at midnight #doable

Random Thoughts from the Office: March 26, 2010

Wrestlemania

Just the name alone invokes grand memories, no matter how bad wrestling may be almost every fan looks forward to Wrestlemania. I still have fond memories of watching Wrestlemania I on free to air TV on a Monday night after it aired. I was almost 4 at the time and for some reason I thought SD Jones was the unluckiest guy on the planet and then there was the main event: even at 3 I loved Roddy Piper more than Hulk Hogan. A lot of argument has gone on to this day about who "Made" Wrestlemania, was it Hulk Hogan or Roddy Piper? (Technically it would be Vince since it was his idea and his money in the first place but I'm talking about who made the show a success.) Maybe I'm biased with this as I'm a noted Hogan Hater but I've always had a very simple philosophy when it comes to wrestling and big events.

Babyfaces sell MERCHANDISE.
Heels sell TICKETS.

Roddy Piper is the man who made Wrestlemania. Yes, Hulk Hogan was the biggest name star in wrestling at the time and indeed still is the biggest name in wrestling today, but a strong babyface is only as strong as the heels he has to face. Piper was perfectly billed as "The Man you love to hate". He wasn't the best wrestler, he was barely what you'd call good (although he could have good matches, like his Dog Collar match with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine at the first Starrcade can attest) but Piper had a big mouth and wasn't afraid to use it: he would rile the fans into such a frenzy that they would pay to see him get beat up. That's why the WWE hardly ever put him on TV in wrestling matches, instead using him in Piper's Pit. If you wanted to see him get shut up you had to buy a ticket.

The one time they really did expose him to a TV audience is was to set up their big show. "The War to Settle the Score" - on MTV no less - after Piper attacked Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano during a Gold Record presentation. This match was the prime example of the "Hook and Drag" philosophy of the time in wrestling. Not many remember that the match was total garbage, but everybody remembers when Piper, Orndorff and Orton had Cyndi Lauper surrounded again that Mr T jumped the rail to defend her and promptly got killed doing it. The Wrestlemania main event was born and the WWE did not screw it up. They put Hogan and T out there for the world to see to get everyone excited for it and countered with Piper doing what he does best: being a dick on their programming. The result is history. Wrestlemania drew a huge number, Vince McMahon became very rich, most of the territories in wrestling died and the WWE became a powerhouse that is still around today.

Which brings me to Wrestlemania XXVI and specifically the Undertaker-Shawn main event. The big debate is will this match go on last? After all there is precedent for it, Wrestlemania XI's main event was the match between Bam Bam Bigelow and Lawerence Taylor. There's no doubt in terms of crowd heat that Taker-Shawn II: This Time it's Personal is the main event and plenty of people are saying after the debacle that was Orton-HHH last year this year it HAS to go on last. However I say it CAN'T go on last and it can't for a very simple reason.

In 24 of the 25 Wrestlemanias so far, the WWE has booked the main event to "Send the fans home happy" (Before anyone asks, the exception was Wrestlemania XVI [2000] when HHH retained the title in a four corners match]. Usually with a title match and because Good must ALWAYS triumph over Evil in the end in wrestling, it ends with the plucky babyface challenger beating the Evil Heel champion who has made his life hell for the past month or however long it has been. Tried, true and it works.

Turn that logic to Taker-Shawn, the stipulation is Streak versus Career. So either way we're seeing history. We either see the greatest streak in Wrestlemania history end or arguably the greatest WWE career end. From what I've seen from fans online not only in the WWE universe but other message boards, opinion is pretty much 70-30 Taker winning. But let's say for the sake of argument that we suspend our disbelief (which even though we are all Smart Marks nowadays we still do), because that's when we are happiest, when we can suspend that disbelief and believe it's real. Let's give each man a 50-50 shot and for the sake of argument again let's say that Taker does the expected and wins. What happens? The Taker fans celebrate and go home happy, the Shawn fans go home disappointed because their man lost and his career is over. Flip the script and it's probably worse. The Shawn fans will be delirious that their man is still able to compete in the WWE. The Taker fans and a lot of fans who love the streak will be immensely pissed off (To use the Wrestlecrap Forums as the example, imagine the blowup on the WWE forums if Shawn wins). And don't even get me started if they do what a few fans believe and go the Taker-Kurt Angle finish of Shawn tapping to the Hell's Gate just as Taker gets pinned.

There is no way out of pissing off someone in that match; you can't send all the fans home happy and that's why it can't main event.

Compare that scenario with Cena-Batista. Almost everyone hates Batista in the WWE Universe while Cena is ten feet tall and bulletproof. You follow the half and half match that is Taker-Shawn with this match. Batista beats up Cena for 10 minutes and just when things seem their worst, Cena does what he's done so many times to the anger of Smart Marks everywhere: he overcomes the odds and wins. Except this time it actually works, Batista doesn't lose anything as he got surprised by Super Cena, Cena raises in triumph, the WWE Universe goes home happy. Simple, Safe and this case totally the right option for the WWE to choose.

There's no doubt in terms of hype that Taker-Shawn is the main event of Wrestlemania. But to actually put it in the main event slot is to ignore history. It wouldn't surprise if I'm wrong I have to say, but I'm still betting that at the end of the night the WWE will "Send the Fans home happy" and Cena-Batista is YOUR main event.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

170 Tough But Entirely Doable: March 26, 2010

(Simply Blade)
75 minutes

Wrestlemania XXVI is just around the corner, but Blade is too drunk AND hungover to care. He still has that menstruation fetish of his from last episode however, and regales us about Don Mason's snatch. For some bizarre reason RD does his best Wilbur impression as Dixie Carter's father "Colonel" Bob. (:11) He doesn't deliver the TNA news sadly. Nor does Al Isaacs for that matter.

:23 Instead of watching WM Blade wants people to insult him on a spin-off wrestling show that will never get made. RD wants it to be called Blade's Audio Ejaculation. [Mrs. Blah! Get Gay Popeye on the Phone! - "Showstealer] In the meantime Blade eats some more Doritos, including the Cheeseburger At Night (not to be eaten during the Day or Afternoon) and First, Second, and Third Degree Burn flavors.

:39 Kim Page is reuniting with her ex-husband in Atlanta for doing some Yoga for Regular Guys thing. Blade, still smitten with her after getting her Head, wants to do a threesome with the duo.

That WWE Heroes comic isn't doing so good with the critics, one reviewer giving it a negative 3 stars. Blade is so angry at a 'video trailer' for the series (!) he accidentally ruins some of his stuff. I can't blame him, I would do the same too if I were he.

Question Of The Week: (:55) NotInTheFace thinks Blade is writing for Wrestlelicious and wants a job.

Blade's too drunk-over to do his imaginary TNA guy impression, so RD has to invite some last minute candidate instead. (:57) Unfortunately it turns out to be Mike Check as the Governator as Nathaniel as (Sir) "Stewart Patrick". You know him; friend of Alec and star of Star Trek: The Previous Generation. He's definitely phoning it in from his busy schedule, not even bothering to hail them on a viewscreen or teleporting into RD's living room. BUT at least RD does a better Brit Twit than his Co-Fruitcake. And he has time to make a bad joke about a Rob Van Dam Grand Am. "Get in your car and do some Van Damage. HOT DAMN it's a car!" says he.

Stewart: "I'm leaving now."

Where's Mike Check to say "fascinating" when you need him? (/Picard Headpalm/Facepalm)
[As our anonymous friend in the comments says it IS Facepalm not Headpalm but COME ON. With Picard's Chromedome it SHOULD be Headpalm - "Showstealer"]

:62 Wendy Richter is being inducted into the Hall of Fame, but will she thank Moolah in her acceptance speech? Is Goldberg planning to return to WWE? RD has today's Induction to fight against it about his horrible WM XX match against Brock Lesnar. Some more random talk. I honestly wasn't paying much attention at that point.

Entirely Doable Haiku in seventeen syllables:
Wrestlemania.
I honestly don't give a
flying motherfuck.

Random Thoughts from the Office: March 14, 2010

This week has been a tough one to decide what to write about hence it being late, the Monday night battle was started anew between Raw and Impact and it ended with Impact drawing a 0.98... There's so many things I could say about the first night on television but I've pretty much said my piece on the Wrestlecrap forums already so I'd just be repeating myself. Instead I'm going to focus on one thing in particular: The main event of Impact. Eliminate Styles and Abyss from the equation, they're perfectly acceptable wrestlers to have there. I want to focus on Flair and Hogan, both huge names in the 80's and 90's, still big names with wrestling fans today, but watching them wrestle in the main event I got to thinking.

At what point does a wrestler stop being an icon we want to see and start becoming a object of our pity as a broken down shadow of the hero we once knew desperately chasing one final payday from a business who like an abusive spouse, they can't seem to break away from?

Now I freely admit I'm not a Hulkamaniac nor was I ever. I can't say I've liked a lot of what he's done in TNA but I freely admit bias in his regard. "The Nature Boy" on the other hand, was one of my heroes growing up as a wrestling fan, he had it all: charisma on the mic, a great gimmick, limos, Lear jets, champagne, caviar. He both infuriated and entertained anyone who ever watched him as one of the mainstays of the NWA and WCW. What really made Ric Flair so special though was he didn't just say he was the greatest wrestler around, he actually went out there and proved it night after night after night. He was the original "Broomstick" wrestler (So called because the thought was he could wrestle a broomstick and still have a great match). Then in 1991 it all changed; the first real shock of wrestling happened as Flair fell out with the guy running WCW at the time, Jim Herd (who promptly fired him) and jumped ship to the WWE. There was Bobby Heenan on WWE television with the NWA championship belt saying that the "Real World's Champion" was coming to the WWE. When Flair joined fans around the world sat up and salivated at the thought of the dream match, Flair vs Hogan, finally coming true. Of course it never happened, for reasons unknown but probably not limited to "Vince McMahon is a giant dumbass". He only lasted in the WWE about 18 months before going back to WCW where he stayed till they closed in 2001. After the pathetic Invasion angle the WWE tried to save face by bring Flair in as a co-owner, which pretty much started the "Brand Extension" that we live with now. But eventually he got into the ring regularly and started having great matches again.

But like all great heroes in any sport there was one opponent Ric Flair couldn't beat: time. The moves became less sharp, the matches less classic and slowly but surely he became someone who was less the wrestler I regarded as a hero but more a pale imitation. Even Ric himself saw the writing on the wall and so it came to be at Wrestlemania 24 Ric Flair had one last great match against Shawn Michaels and walked away into the sunset never to be seen in the ring again.

At least until Impact.

(And don't get me wrong, he wrestled in Hogan's Australian tour as well but with the promoter going broke those matches are never likely to see the light of day.)

It's why Ric Flair is regarded as such a great professional, always helping out where he can while seemingly unable to break away from the business that made him a household name, and the more I see him on Impact the more I weep.

Now don't get me wrong, Ric Flair even today at least interview wise is better than 75% of wrestlers out there; he can teach the new generation of superstars a lot about how to get a crowd involved and hating (or loving) you. However, the Ric Flair of today is not the Ric Flair I grew up idolizing. Time has slowed him, a lot of what made him the greatest superstar in wrestling is now gone. While he will always get a great reaction from people for me he's tarnishing a legacy earned over three and a half decades of service.

I understand that people need money, those alimony commitments won't pay themselves after all, and I also understand this is the only business Ric Flair has known, but there comes a time when you have to look yourself in the mirror and ask "Is what I'm doing hurting me or helping me?" The day that Ric Flair can do that and answer himself honestly is the day that he will finally cement his status as a true legend.

His moments in TNA even today for me will be something to cherish, he'll always be entertaining. But I do pray, for the sake of his legacy that last Monday's Impact was the last in-ring goodbye for the Nature Boy.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

Minisode #169 Million Dollar Mane

by iggy



March 12, 2010

The New Monday Night War
Iron Sheik got belligerent.
French Kiss Maryse
The Million Dollar Mane
The Ratings Reaper appears.
Dixie Carter is upset.
Angry Jim is in fiduciary trouble.

#too many pretzels in the chex mix #oscar the grouch lives in a can

169 MenstrualCrap Radio: March 12, 2010

75 minutes

A new Monday Night War has developed with RAW and Impact going head to head. But it can't do anything to cure Blade's menstrual fetish though. He's also interested in the ages of wrestlers for some reason, like some pseudo Art Donovan. One of those wrestlers is Hungry Hungry Ken Patera.

RD's TRIP (:14) is sponsored by Popeye and Blade's bad jokes.

:20 Stacy Keibler was at Elton John's Post-Oscar party (sponsored by Popeye.) RD is mystified by those gatherings oddly enough. The Iron Sheik was arrested on a flight for being his usual drunk self. Blade wants to be Popeye for some reason.
WORLD CHAMPION IRON SHEIK. FUCK THE HULK HOGAN!!

Tylene Buck is currently doing some sort of webcam thing, proof of the healthy post-career of many a wrestler. But hey, at least she has no pubic hair! The Co-Fs look around Maryse's website randomly and listen to random music on Leila Milani's site. But what about her pubes, are THEY shaved? [I like to think she's had them fashioned into a replica of the Wrestlicious logo - "Showstealer"] Blade makes his only actual joke of the episode when he wants to see Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Mare/Mane, complete with soundbite.

The HorseTrolla tells us Mickie James has been sidelined from wrestling from a staph infection from some leg surgery, which is an excuse for Blade to indulge his foot fetish (but shouldn't that be a hoof fetish in this case?) The BabyTrolla tells us that Nipple H is pregnant again.

Screamin' Cheech has one of the wittiest Question's I've heard recently about musical groups. (:51)

WWE completely dominated TNA this week so Blade has to be that Ratings Reaper guy again. His TNA Peter Gazer guy is still a no show so RD has to do his Dixie to kill time even MORE than they normally do.

:60 Jim Ross may return to WWE in time for Wrestlemania, so the Co-Fs call him up. Now he's angry about people constantly emailing about Joanie Laurer when they SHOULD be instead looking for that blasted Dark Journey.

Seventeen syllables about Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan on TNA:
New Monday Night War.
Same old Nature Boy Ric Flair.
Bloody Mount Rushmore.

Minisode #168 Salute to Women

by iggy



March 5, 2010

Wrestlelicious
Apartment Wrestling
Stadium Events and Nintendo John
Sir Alec reads Gorgeous George.
Dixie Carter calls

#happy fury #apter

I wonder if the Great Khali still hates John Cena...

...seeing as how he reminds him of Adam Sandler of The Longest Yard [Probably. Anything that reminds me of Adam Sandler in that movie is enough to send me into a homicidal rage - "Showstealer"], but that's not important right now. What IS though is that I'm pleased to have with us as a new Co-Historian the irreplacable Erik Majorwitz, the original documentarian of the WW Haiku and all around good guy. Please be sure to make him feel very welcome!
- PB

Random Thoughts From The Office: Salute This, March 5, 2010

My name is Clarence "Showstealer" Mason and I am not Wrestlicious.

Mind you if I won the lottery the idea of owning my own women's wrestling promotion does appeal, as Blah quoted from me when the idea of Wrestlicious first came to be there are worse ways to get a date and I guess that is a fantasy for every 19 year old male. But I am not a fan of Wrestlicious, just as I wasn't a fan of WOW, just as I wasn't a fan of GLOW and I'm not for one reason. I think it cheapens women's wrestling and makes it a poor sideshow attraction (Kind of like Nintendo John but somehow more annoying)

It frustrates the hell out of me, womens' wrestling can work at least on an independent level, federations like SHIMMER have shown us that and the wrestling seen is usually better than a lot you see from guys on Raw, Smackdown or Impact. With stars like Cheerleader Melissa, Allison Danger, Sara Del Ray and Amazing Kong they have proven to be a great underground hit, add this to the fact they showcase new talent like a Jessie McKay or a Madison Eagles (*sigh* My Angel) and they put forth good matches up and down the card.

Why is that so hard nowadays? To book a compelling two and a half hour show for a major event shouldn't be that hard, let alone a 24 minute show like Wrestlicious. Yet it always seems that when women's wrestling is in the spotlight on a national stage it's either filled with stupid characters and bad comedy (Seriously I love Lizzy Valentine but Kandi Kisses I'm looking in your direction, let me give you some career advice. If you're really aiming to be a pop superstar, ripping off 3 Count isn't the way to go. I never saw their video and suddenly wanted to be Evan Karagias) or it's filled with pretty faces who put on basic matches and are terrible at doing that (Maryse I'm now looking your direction, or more truthfully I'm trying not cause quite frankly you scare me. You look like Medusa (The Mythical One not the Monster Truck Diving, throwing belts in trash cans women's wrestler)). And with the recent releases of Kong and Melissa it doesn't look like TNA is going to be any better.

One of the best matches I saw last year was Sara Del Ray vs Madison Eagles from SHIMMER, women's wrestling can work and yet it seems unless you're a pretty face or are willing to humiliate yourself you'll never get ahead in the business. That's all the sadder for knowing it.

Another quick thought in the Salute to Women of my Random Thoughts and my favorite TV Woman at the moment, not in terms of looks although she is quite good to look at or even wrestling ability just in general. Chelsea, Desmond Wolfe's valet, what happened to the good old days of the valet? I remember with fond memories the days of Babydoll, Sensational Sherri, Precious and of course Miss Elizabeth and I think these days are a good way to go again for the big two. Let's be honest, women's wrestling on a national basis is a joke and will never be fixed, it frustrates me but it's also the way it is. So why not take these girls who aren't doing anything, like for example a Taylor Wilde and let them get over that way, even up till a few years ago with Stacy Keibler the idea of a valet worked and with a girl like Taylor, you know she can get involved and give you the goods, something that made Sherri a cut above in her days, espcially in the AWA. By doing that you accomplish two things, you still get the gorgeous women on TV and give the guys something to look at and you also improve the women's wrestling product by leaving it just for the wrestlers. In other words you can have your cake and eat it too.......unless you're Michelle McCool in which case you won't eat anything.

There is virtually no downside and a hell of a lot of upside if you just give it a go and maybe then once again the women of wrestling will be able to be saluted again.

Or Wrestlicious could become the next big hit.....God knows the wrestling gods do seem to like a joke that way.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

168 WrestliciousCrap Radio: March 5, 2010

74 minutes

A middle-finger salute from the looks of it.
Being inspired by his first episode of Wrestlicious, the greatest wrestling show since WSX, RD makes his WrestleCrap's Salute to Women, which sounds more like a badly sexist short from the 50's. Speaking of sexism, Blade explains apartment wrestling to us. Sadly it does not involve Paul Christy in any way, shape or form.

Speaking of that Wrestlicious pilot the Fruitcakes decide to watch the whole thing on air. (:14) And if you have the same knowledge of the podcast as I do, you also know fully well how well their commentaries run on the show. It's not helped by RD's forced laughter at the whole show. Drunk with power from doing the progrem for too long, just having fun with the whole thing...or it's just hiding secret self loathing of it all? YOU make the call.

You can watch some sort of synchronized segments of that episode here, or you could instead read what Clarence "Showstealer" Mason thinks about it in the posting up above. For now though, here's a 'teaser'.

2 Minutes in: My god this sucks.

5 Minutes in: Why are they rapping?

8 Minutes in: My god this show sucks

11 Minutes: MY GOD THIS SHOW SUCKS!

15 Minutes in: I have lost the will to live.

18 Minutes: I give up. This is not Wrestlicious.

Anyway.

Blade's auction of that rare NES game was sold for around $9400. (:37) Nintendo John calls in to congratulate him.

:44 Sir Alec reads a single line from Tammy Sytch's Facebook page before bidding us "Ciao." Somehow I don't think he's actually a classically trained British actor. Blade generally deconstructs the whole progrem for us. The HorseTrolla alerts us to Mickie James' new single.

Question from an Eric: (:58) Some badly punctuated non-question about Bret Hart. That couldn't have been the only letter they got all week, could it? Blade has found his new TNA guy (:62) but he's yet another no-show, so Dixie Carter is forced to call in instead.

:69 Some people got future endeavored, including Paul Burchill, another victim of the Curse, and Maria, which would obviously sadden the Midnight Rose. Oh, and Hornswaggle is hawking random cereals but I have no idea which ones because I wasn't paying attention at that point.

The two then rap randomly for some reason.

PB is my name, to win is my game,
And to beat all challengers against my name.
You must pardon me if I seem quite vicious,
I do what it takes to be Wrestlelicious.