Minisode #166 Olympic Dreams

by iggy



January 29, 2010

Hornswoggle wins again.
Gay Popeye calls.
Kelly Kelly, Olympian
Demolition Rumble
Angry Jim

#double dip #bedpost

Random Thoughts From The Office, January 29, 2010

This Week in WrestleCrap Radio History

1 Year Ago: As I've been told in numerous torture sessions this week, THIS week was the episode with Shane killing off MegaTrolla. Can't I dream of a world without Megatrolla? WON'T YOU GRANT ME THAT?
2 Years Ago: The thought of Blade using the Katie Vick outfit as a sexual aid forces RD to Walk Out on the show (As opposed to our favorite recapper Premier Blah, who just wishes he could walk out on Recapping every week).
3 Years Ago: RD learns that White Castle is taking reservations for Valentine's Day, leading to a scheme to get Mrs Deal to go with him (The Repressed Memories of which probably led to the Attempted Murder of Stubby and the Outright Murder of Johnny 4)
4 Years Ago: Jameson is on Blade's Wall and that new Squad.....man do they have Spirit.

I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I've survived another week to share more of my thoughts on all things wrestling and WrestleCrap related with you. There was that aforementioned torture session....I really don't want to go into that but suffice to say I now know why there are never any lights at WrestleCrapRadio HQ (And it's not because Blah's just cheap). [I guess I run on the souls of the damned for power - PB] So let's go through the highlights of randomness that are causing discussion around the water coolers here at the Offices of Clarence Mason, Attorney at Law.

On WrestleCrap this week, the saga of Damien Dependo comes to an end, the only way it can, with an FYBA World Heavyweight Title match between Mr. Braxton and Mr. Dependo. I was originally going to call this column "From the Outer Reaches of Your Mind" to be a real smartass but I decided against it for two reasons.

1. I think I might make a slight amount more sense than Damien Demento. (Not by much. I'm kind of on a level with the crazy old man from the Simpsons. I can even sing "The Old Gray Mare she ain't what she used to be")
2. Without him talking about the Fruitcakes anymore it's just not funny.

But am I the only one who's reading too much into this, we've gone from Fruitcakes to repeated attacks to training videos to cartoon theme singoffs to this final installment and I keep wondering to myself....WHY? I realize by the quality and quantity of his Youtube Shoots that Mr Demento REALLY has nothing better to do but why the fascination with Wrestlingcrip.com? (To make Blah's job easier, Wrestlingbloods.com is still NOT taken.)[Why thank you. - PB] Maybe it's just me but I'm convinced the more I hear and see Damien Demento that something more is going on here. So I'm going to make a prediction: sometime in 2010 Damien Demento is going to be on Wrestlecrap Radio. To me it's the only thing that possibly can add up in all this, why would there be this constant back and forth barrage (Other than the fact it's funny to see Demento constantly get owned). Unless Damien is really just that sad, which is not beyond the realms of possibility but I somehow doubt it. Time will tell.

The Gooker Award is the other big WrestleCrap news of the week. No real shock to see it went to Chavo v Hornswoggle: The Neverending Story. (Neverending Storrrrreyyyyy ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhh. I actually prefered the guy in Kajagoogoo) That feud was just so painfully bad that it made me pine for a Bastion Booger match. A lot of people wanted the Jenna Morasca vs Sharmell match from TNA to win the Gooker and it was insulting no doubt but I'll tell you why I believe while it definitely is WrestleCrap, it's not a Gooker Award winner.

1. As horrifically bad a match as it is, it was still only one match, whereas Chavo and Hornswoggle went on for week after week, year after year, decade after decade. I'm sure when I go to wrestling fan hell, that series of matches is going to be on permanent loop, along with a Sega Genesis with a broken controller and Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game because nothing says fun like the Undertaker flinging imaginary tombstones at opponents.
2. It's not the worst match I've even seen, it's in the top 5 no doubt, but it's not the worst, not by a long shot. That dubious honor falls on.....and shall always fall on Kriss Sprules vs Cage Tyler from British "Wrestling" (I use the Rabbit Ears around "Wrestling" deliberately, because to say that they're wrestling is an insult to wrestling cause I've literally seen backyard matches with better wrestling maneuvers than this "Classic"........Do a search for "Kris Sprules V Cage Tyler" on Youtube if you don't believe me.....or go to the wrestlecrap forum and watch the embed in the {W}rest of Wrestling section under Worst match you've seen......DISCLAIMER: Clarence "Showstealer" Mason and the employees, sponsors and affiliates of Wrestlecrapradio.com take no responsibility whatsoever for any damage, emotional, physical or otherwise that may be caused by watching this match. This match makes Jenna V Sharmell look like friggin' Steamboat-Flair from '89. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) federation OPWO. The Commentary if you get that version almost saves it (It was actually done by a guy on another wrestling forum. Not the OPWO). Key word: ALMOST.
3. It wasn't even the worst TNA angle of the year, that was "The Governor" angle (Although that angle would've ruled had Daffney come out to the Guv'ner generic theme from WWF Attitude "IT'S THE GUV'NER BABY! AND I'M GONNA RULE ALL OVER YOU! LET'S LEGISLATE!") It does earn points for pretty much turning Daffney batshit crazy and running to the care of Dr Stevie, resulting in the Zombie Hot Goth Goddess she's become but even that doesn't save the crap we had to go through to get to that point.

For almost every option on the Gooker voting this year you could kind of go over it and figure out a reason why it wasn't a Gooker winner......all except Chavo-Hornswoggle, which had no rhyme, no reason, no payoff, no effort, no great matches, just pure unadulterated pain for everyone who was fool enough to watch it. Basically it's kinda like watching the New Era of Impact.....but hey that's a thought for another time. The court's being called back from recess. I have to go to work

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

166 Demographics: January 29, 2010

67 minutes

The votes are in, and YOUR 2009 Gooker goes to the Eternal Feud that was Hornswaggle and Chavo Guerrero making fools out of each other throughout the past year. That does not help lift Blade from his funk however, derived from his upcoming 35th birthday removing him from the coveted 18-34 demographic. Thus it's a good time for him to get smashed with the Drinking Music. What else is new? Well, how about the fact that he makes a Fruedian slip in wanting to hire a client of his prostitute roommate? It's never too late to turn gay, in my opinion. Then the Fruitcakes make fun of random listeners, as is their wont.

:14 Blade took a TRIP to some random bathroom (he prefers to do his business in proper toilets) where he finds one of those bathroom vending machines selling Kaluha flavored condoms - they're non alcoholic sadly, so it confuses him. It confuses me too, I can never really grasp the notion of flavored birth control, no matter how much I try.

:20 Mattel is now making WWE toys. Vince has also forgiven the Denver Nuggets, or yet again forgot his random hatred against them, as WWE will return to their Pepsi Center on March 12. Meanwhile Kelly Kelly answers a random question with teddy bears, and if you think that's laughable she also tries to persuade us that she was a probable Olympic candidate before she "broke her ass". I think we should be all thankful it broke when it did. RD wants WWE to make resolutions to their storylines, which they won't do of course as it would actually make sense. A&E is making some show about Backyard Wrestling...hosted by Bob Saget. No, I don't know why either. RD makes fun of Blade some more, the poor man.

Steven in Sacramento's Question about Demolition (:38) devolves into talking about Domino's Pizza. As far as I can recall I don't think the Noid was their manager.

Jim Ross calls in to try and solve their TNA conundrum, (:45) but he's just there to talk more nonsense and read comments about some video of his. Sadly Blade is too lazy to bring Sir Alec to help with the task too.

:57 The Fruitcakes wonder who will be making surprise appearances at this week's Royal Rumble. Blade will always mark out for the Black Scorpion. Shane Helms and Chris Jericho were arrested in Kentucky near RD's old home for disorderly conduct and posted a $120 bond. And Randy Orton has just received a 10-year contract as well as $600,000 for his terrible Wrestlemania match against Triple H. It makes me wonder if I chose the wrong profession to train in.

Jericho and Helms were arrested for not being Southern enough.

Seventeen quick syllables on the second most boring man in WWE (behind John Cena):
Ten years of Orton.
Fuck. Please wake me up in the
year twenty-twenty.

Minisode #165 NESonomics

by iggy



January 22, 2010

RD finally has something to say
Nintendo John debuts.

#peanut of death #general adulation

Random Thoughts From The Office, January 22, 2010

This Week in WCR History

1 Year Ago: One of the happiest days of 2009 as an angry Shane-o-Mac finally killed off Megatrolla. Now that's the Allspark
2 Years Ago: The debut of "What's on WWE 24/7". Which is now my personal number 3 on "Worst Segments in the history of Wrestlecrap Radio" (Behind Nintendo John and Fantasy Booking Island)
3 Years Ago: "I Have Something to Say" Version 1.0. The first time since Robocop that the first movie was actually better than the sequel. (I don't watch many movies, you can tell. Paul Verhoeven is a legend of Mike Check Status however)
4 Years Ago: Blade met Amy "Lita" Dumas at a car show, which sadly did NOT end with the two of them in the back of a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado Convertable and SPEAKING OF beating off with Corn Oil, it's the early adventures of Don......Don Mason

First off if I could be Lance Storm for a moment (Sadly without giant dong), even if this is a one off, or it only lasts a month before I'm future endeavoured or even if by some fluke of time and space (Or a Vince Russo SHOCKING SWERVE~!) this actually ends up being perfect and fun for everyone. I want to thank Premier Blah for actually giving me the opportunity to write even this post on wrestlecrapradio.com. I know this is going to sound like I'm kissing his ass and believe me I'm not (That comes later and I'm sure it's just part of the "Initiation" for new members to the site), [I have a Initiation policy? - PB] but his recaps of the radio shows have given me a lot of laughs. It's an honor and a privilege to be here and being able to share some thoughts with the 12 listeners.

Okay now that that's out of the way let's kick-start the engine and get ready to jump the damn shark already.

For the most part I'll be popping up from time to time with random thoughts on wrestling or WrestleCrap radio or how much I hate Tom Brady, basically (and hopefully) once a week I'm just going to chime in with my random thoughts on things, as well as making smarky comments in Blah's recaps (I'm kidding.......as far as you know), some may be good, some may be bad, some will make you yearn to go to Fantasy Booking Island but I'll at least try and be entertaining.

This week though there's a couple of things I want to discuss, and since this is a site about the longest running episodic podcast in the history of planet Earth they're both to do with the show. First off I wanted to expand a little on an article I did for my audition to this site. In it I basically compared WrestleCrap Radio to Seinfeld, the infamous show about nothing and how a wrestling podcast without any wrestling could be so damn entertaining and a lot of that has to do with the hosts, RD and Blade - they're willing to try new things, be it a new segment or a new character or a story about their lives and the most important thing is they're not afraid to fail and believe me they have failed. (Who mentioned NERD?) But the thing I've always admired them for is very early on, they got their audience, you see so many radio progrems and so many podcasts fail that basic requirement and fall into the dust because they make the same mistake almost everyone makes, they assume they're better than the audience.

The thing that has always at least for me made WrestleCrap Radio so unique and so entertaining is that RD and Blade aren't afraid to be themselves. Hell, some of the best moments of the show's long and storied history are when Blade is either A) Drunk, B) Telling stories of his real life job (Ala the infamous trashbagging saga) or C) A combination of the two. But I think the moment it finally clicked happened before all this, the day that the story of "Ghetto Park Skeletor" was put to air was the day that WrestleCrap Radio came into existence, not that the show wasn't good before then, for the most part it was, but the day that story came to be was the day that you "saw behind the curtain" so to speak and it left you wanting more.

Nowadays WrestleCrap Radio is like a finely tuned machine, firing on all cylinders but the core belief still remains if I may quote one of the finest orators of our time, a man amongst men........The Slickster when he said "Honesty is the best policy" and it's a belief that has taken WCR into the stratosphere.

Which brings me to the one small problem they have: the inability to keep a TNA correspondent. Believe me I could spend another 20,000 words on TNA and the "New Era" of wrestling but I won't, I want this first offering to be mostly positive and I don't have random thoughts on TNA at the moment. I have pure psychotic hatreds and nothing good will ever come of that........but when you think about it, Johnny 4 was ahead of his time; sure he broke down and leaked and left parts all over the floor of WrestleCrap HQ but come on, wouldn't he be the perfect correspondent for this era of TNA, something that on the surface appears like it comes from 2001? Even broken into a million pieces by Mrs Deal, he's still one up on Nathaniel, but the problem is a vexing one as the co-hosts search for a new correspondent. There are so many people who have opinions on TNA nowadays. Just look at the forums, where do you start? Well fortunately for RD, Blade and hopefully you I've been thinking and drinking and I really need something to kick this post home to at least attempt to not have it look like 10,000 words of rambling.

The new TNA correspondent needs to be someone who has enough knowledge of the past to understand where Hogan and Bischoff are leading TNA while at the same time having a good enough demeanor to connect with the WrestleCrap Radio listeners and entertain them while informing them on the comings and goings of TNA. Most importantly of all the new TNA correspondent needs to be someone who needs the money so much they're willing to play the WrestleCrap Radio equivalent of Russian Roulette in a job where your career prospects are about six weeks. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks; who was a legend of the past, has had his adventures talked about in great length on WCR and has had numerous problems with money that has landed him in jail more than once? The choice for the next TNA correspondent is as easy and will prove to be as popular to the 12 listeners as the hiring of Mike Check was.

The new TNA Correspondent should be Ricky Morton.

Ricky would be able to tell us in five seconds why we should be excited the Nasty Boys are on Impact, Ricky could tell us why we shouldn't believe Jim Cornette when he bags TNA and even more importantly than TNA, Ricky could tell us just what fun was had with Robert Gibson's glass eye. That's worth more than any wisecracking robot or TNA obsessed nerd ever could.

Most importantly of all, we'd be giving back to a man that has provided us, the 12 Listeners with so much entertainment as the co-hosts told his exploits on WrestleCrap Radio, and the only man who could ever stop him from being the longest running TNA correspondent in history would be Stan Lane (As well as numerous authorities the next time one of his cheques bounces, but that's neither here nor there)

I expect to see this happen post haste on the next episode of WrestleCrap Radio.........or you can fire up the Seancetrolla and bring back Mike Check, either way I'm happy.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

Minisode #164 Happy New Decade

by iggy



January 15, 2010

Slush Puppy
The characters are social networking.
Itinerary
The New Monday Night War begins.
Bret Hart

#myspace tom #serious business

WrestleCrap Fan Fiction Theatre Episode 10: "Scenario 1 Randy Orton is a Mickie James fan?"

Scenario 1 Randy Orton is a Mickie James fan?
Written by xFaintHorizon
As narrated by Sir Alec Heineken

The match started to get hectic as Mickie James went for a pin on Natalya, Voices started playing and no they weren’t in her head, it was Randy Orton coming out and taking a seat ringside just staring every inch of Mickie as if she was food. Despite the distraction Mickie hit her finisher and pinned Natalya. She was on top of the world and then she remembered she had a special spectator watching, Randy Orton was still there clapping ringside very impressed he seemed. Mickie felt flattered but weird why was he there?

Mickie was just hanging around and suddenly the phone rang... who could it be? she stared at the screen and it said unknown number, she would normally hang up but she was in a good mood so she picked up. To Mickies surprise it was Randy Orton, she asked ‘’where did you get this number?’’, Randy answered ‘’ does it matter ‘’, getting a bit freaked out she hangs up and blocks the number.

Mickie though Randy was kidding around with her.

Soon he started to show up to her lockeroom and to her matches and she tried being nice about him being around but she just couldn’t take this anymore, the last straw was went he brought flowers to her.. she never sent out these signs and realized that Randy had an obsession with her...

She couldn’t argue with him, for she knew he had an anger disorder and she couldn’t take a break now especially when she was so close to getting the women’s championship...

Randy exactly that Mickie was planning to get rid of him, to get a restraining order against him... if he couldn’t be with her anyone could and the rage got to him when he saw her chatting with his rival John Cena

Randy took it upon himself that no one must be with her that she is his and so he went in for the kill, and he knocked out Mickie, soon he realized she was dead...and thought to himself ‘’ what the hell did I do’’, ‘’ there’s only one way we can be together forever’’.

John Cena called Mickies phone and voice mail came on, he went on a desperate search for Mickie and in the end he found her dead as well as Randy dead in Randy Orton locker room.

The tragic end.

165 I have something to say...Again. : January 15, 2010

70 minutes

His fantasy football team sucked, so RD must recite many listener-submitted insults. He fights back with some weak excuses. But he finally concedes "I'm an idiot."

RD doesn't get 'Diet' meals served at eating establishments. (:14) But he does get KFC's 395 meal. Blade loves their grilled chicken (I always enjoy their chicken sandwiches) He then awkwardly manages to summon Popeye on air so he can make RD flirt with him. (:19) But it feels wrong somehow, and I can't place my finger on it. All I'm saying is if I wanted to go out with myself I probably wouldn't need to have to flirt first, if you know what I'm saying. You dirty minded reader, you.

:22 Roddy Piper's warnings about idiots driving cars are remembered, as his daughter was almost hit by a bus. Nobody was willing to pay 5 grand for Damian Demento's Shoulder pads, even if they are going to help a good cause (USO). For some reason the Fruitcakes want to know the "story of how the pads originated" so Blade 'promises' that Sir Alec will have the inside scoop of that in the month. Yeah right, I'll believe it when I see hear it. The HorseTrolla tells us Mickie James will release a country album around late March. Blade makes RD say the word 'cunnilingus'.

:37 Inspired by John Cena going on about Punch-Out! on TV, Blade decides to extend the progrem by another hour with some video game segment. Thus let's meet Nintendo John, AKA Angry Jim Ross as Satanic Billy Graham as John Cena. He's borrowed Sir Alec's enthusiastic audience to cheer him on too. He says things that are hard to comprehend and then pixels out to join his brothers Sony Jack and Microsoft James. What say you in response, RD?

"I want the Manning Brothers to double penetrate me while sticking a ball gag in my mouth."

Not exactly my finest insult, but I suppose it will have to do.

Today's Question (:43) is from Alexis2K. Apparently the recently deceased Victor Borga was a secret member of the Kobra Kai. RD is forced to apologize for Mike Check which puzzles me. He was probably their best TNA correspondent so far.

Only one limp piece of Current News troubles us. (:49) And no, it's not RD wanting Bryan Alvarez to do his John Cena impersonation. Randy Orton is in trouble for spitting gum into a young fan's face, which is good a time as any for Sir Alec to narrate a randy Randy story for us all where he goes all stalker on Mickie James. RD doesn't want to read any more lines so he tries to hide behind the haiku music, but Blade still makes him read a haiku regardless.

Seventeen syllables about good old Hornswoggle:
Hornswoggle is great.
He's a champion on screen.
He's nude in my mind.

Thankfully this is not enough for Blade and us faithful listeners, so for the next seven minutes Blade makes his Co-Fruitcake read some more demeaning lines, and then top it off by singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me."

Blade: "Did I tell you I love this show yet?"

WrestleCrap Fan Fiction Theatre Episode 9: "The Favor"

"The Favor"
Written by chaingangprincess1978
As narrated by Sir Alec Heineken

Mickie James smiled as she arrived back at her hotel room after the show. Tonight had been fun. The Divas had been involved in a Pyjama Pillow Fight Match and it had turned chaotic when Maryse had taken a cheap shot against Kelly in the ring. But it had all been in fun and everyone had enjoyed themselves in the end. Kelly would already be back at the room. She had left right after the match. Mickie had had to stick around as she had been required to shoot a promo for her match at the upcoming Royal Rumble Pay Per View.

Mickie slipped into the room quietly, and as she was closing the door, she felt Kelly slide her arms around her from behind, and plant soft kisses on the back of her neck.

“Hi baby.” Kelly whispered in her ear.

“Babe.” Mickie replied. Grinning again.

“Guess what?” Kelly whispered.

“You’re horny?” Mickie asked, sounding hopeful.

“Well yes…but something else too…”

“What’s that?”

“I’m ovulating….let’s make a baby.”

“Ummm, one small problem there sweetie.” Mickie said, gently caressing Kelly’s cheek, as she gazed into those gorgeous blue eyes.

“What?”

“We don’t have a donor yet!” Mickie reminded her.

“I thought we agreed on someone.” Kelly said with a small pout.

“Yeah..but don’t you think we should ask him first?” Mickie said with a small smile….that was her Kelly…so cute.

“Ok…pass me my phone.” Kelly said.

“KELLY! I didn’t mean right now!” Mickie said, shaking her head and snickering.

“Why? No time like the present.” Kelly replied, reaching for her cell phone on the bedside table.

Before Mickie could stop her, Kelly had picked up her phone and had dialed the number.

“It’s ringing.” She whispered.

Mickie’s face went pale, as she imagined John on the other end.

“Oh hi John…How are you?...We’re fine…Actually we have a favor we’d like to ask…Could you come up to our room?..five minutes…great….see you then.” Kelly hung up the phone and turned to Mickie with a smile.

“He’s coming up.”

The end.

164 Blades Gone Wild: January 8, 2010

77 minutes

Dedicated in the memory of Paul Servo, a great fellow Crapper, Honorary WCR Historian, Co-Host Contestant and one of the Original 12, who sadly passed away on the 3rd. Rest In Peace.

It's a new decade for WrestleCrap Radio, seeing as how they fell off cliff for them at the end of the previous year, much like the Canadiens. Blade wants to talk about wrestling all show for a change. So we talk about...slurpies. But they are wrestling slurpies!

Impact has gone head to head against RAW for the first time (:08) and the Fruitcakes mark out on naked Val Venus and Orlando Jordan in Impact. Popeye calls. You know the drill - pun literally intended. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. WrestleCrap will be 10 years old this April, but RD would like to forget his newsletters. (:14) Perhaps they'll somehow reappear on his next Archive Disc?

:17 Further talking about wrestling. Blade finds something on his script which predicts Popeye's calling in...and the fact that RD finally lost a bet due to his own fault and own confusion over Blade's rules and now has to read whatever people send to him. Send your requests to blade@wrestlecrap.com if it hasn't been featured here yet. Meanwhile RD got some gift glass bottles from his brother for Christmas (I too always prefer glass over plastic). Blade has some own glass bottles in his collection.

:26 Blade is trying to stay sober for the first time in a while. Tammy Sytch with nothing else better to do calls out the Bella Twins for being in the same glass house as she is, or something. RD reads what she has to say in his Dixie Carter impression. Blade fantasizes about the Tranny. He also has some grudge against cutlery and wants to fuck people while cooking food on them. I want him to put some apple slices between the Big Nippled Vampire's dinner plates and take huge bites from them while doing the missionary.

Moe from Men on a Mission (:34) reminds Blade of the Robonic Stooges in a bad recreation of a legendary Dumas novel, itself part of some Skatebirds show which includes a monkey for some reason. Sadly he's not BJ's Bear. The actual Moe is considering leaving the wrestling biz for MMA. One word: Horrible.

Blade wants to know how the BabyTrolla works, which reports that Candice Michelle is having a baby girl due to the actions of her husband. The HorseTrolla reveals Mickie James was in another car accident where she was rear ended. A word of warning: whatever you do, please do not look up 'dragoning'. I promise that you'll regret it. There's more fallout from her moving to Smackdown. Blade may finally get his chance, but he's still stuck on Lita.

Sir Alec 'visits' yet again. (:53) This time, Mickie James (speaking of her) finds love with Kelly Kelly but needs John Cena to simplify things.

The WCR Gong has the week's Question. (:60) Could a Jonas Brother appear in a revival of 3 Count? RD finds their theme song. Blade wonders on Britney Spear's fallopian tubes.

:64 Voting has begun for the 2009 Gooker. This year: Hornswaggle vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell, Vince's random hatred against the Denver Nuggets, the Abraham Washington Show, Santina Marella as Miss Wrestlemania, TNA's 'portrayal' of Sarah Pallin, and some really bad RAW guest hosting.

Impact and RAW may go head to head on a weekly basis. Oh good, looks like WCW is back. RD compares the radio progrem to mid-90s Scott Hall. The duo pine for those good old days, but would they want Bret Hart to return to the ring? And could he do anything with their wacky nicknames? The two are unsure, so they instead turn to Hulk Hogan.

Seventeen Syllables on the return of Hulk Hogan to TNA:
Hulk's back in wrestling.
Dixie's new tagline? T-N-
A: We Are Limping.