302 Rumble Mifflin: January 29, 2021

Whatcha mean I'm still Wrestlecrap?! I made you laugh, Brother!
94 minutes 

RD threatens to talk about wrestling. Blade wants to argue about Star Wars again. RD threatens him on his Big Announcement. [Wasn't it Midnight Rose's retirement? - Erik Majorwitz]

Blade received his Christmas gift from Jordan: A Hulk Hogan Rock 'N' Wrestling VHS tape and some grilled cheese and tomato cream puffs. (:15) RD's Miss Elizabeth card does not have a hometown listed, and he summons Popeye to heckle Blade before he can do any impressions. He then tries some White Chocolate Sugar Cookie M&Ms which are averagely bland. He thinks they should change the name to something more accurate.

:24 Something called a "Shaq Bowl" with the eponymous basketbrawler will occur during the Super Bowl half-time with the Miz and Drew McIntyre, despite him expected to also appear in AEW against Cody after cutting a sleepy promo against him. Blade can relate (to the sleepiness.) RD compares him to Rick Rude. But will they be fighting over bracelets?

Sad News: Catherine Bach is not on Cameo. Neither is Priscilla Barnes. Charlene Tiltin is though. So is Cheryl Ladd, who 8 year old RD once wrote to. Blade guesses Ladd at $150 is higher than Tiltin at $100. It's actually $199 compared to $40, a bargain at half the price.

SPEAKING OF Obscure Hall of Famers, the Undertaker said some stuff on Joe Rogan's podcast. Blade admits to getting drunk while carrying his own blade. (Ahem.)

Tony Schiavone tweeted about being in physical pain, perhaps from putting butts in seats. RD was stationary biking during the pandemic. Blade has been vegetarian for the past few weeks.

Jonathan Coachmen vows not to return to WWE. RD doesn't believe him, remembering Bobby Heenan's words that refusing to return only makes Vince want you back more.

Madison Raine is retiring much to Mike Check's fascinating sadness (that they are also not on Cameo). (:44) For once RD breaks his own character laughing. Mike: "I don't think that's how technology works Brad." He still wants minimum wage Taylor Wild. He plays that one BJ Thomas song.

Mickie James is a fan of Trish Stratus' 'companions'. (:50) Blade thinks RD was stalking her: "I would have checked your passport if that was the case. ... Do you and Mike Check sit around and talk about who has the bigger microphone?"

Speaking of technology Blade had to find another Question on Facebook. He responds with 30 seconds of silence. (:56) David "TattooTrolla" Merlino gets an expected non-answer. (Not more silence?)

Neither wants to talk over the People's Court theme. Who would? (:56) This month, Robin Enrico doesn't mind Mr. America. RD lets Blade ramble before telling him that just because Blade liked it doesn't mean RD should also. Cf. Black Scorpion. Verdict: Guilty. RD thinks people should submit their audio defenses personally since Blade is terrible (as a human being).

Since it's that time again the two talk about their three favorite Royal Rumble memories. (:61) RD has Greg Valentine vs. Ron Garvin in '90, Hogan running into Warrior in '90, and Heenan commentating for Ric Flair in '92. Blade has Dino Bravo bench pressing in '88, Haku vs. Harley Race in '89, swimsuit Ivory in a swimming pool competition with Mae Young in '00, Honky Tonk Man returning in '01, Demolition in '89, Dalmatian Miss Elizabeth in '89, and Mean Gene feuding with cigarettes in '92. He can't remember who else was judging Ivory. To be fair, neither can most other people not named Dave Meltzer or Bryan Alvarez.

Ken Patera is on Facebook (and I bet not following McDonald's on there) but also not yet on Cameo. (:76)

RD takes credit for Jungle Boy's theme being Tarzan Boy.
Blade: "You were in your thirties."
RD: "Yes."
He also enjoys the piped in "holy crap" chants. Blade laments not working in 'AWE'.

The WWE Network is being sold to NBCUniversal's Peacock for one...BILLION...dollars. RD highlights the quality of the sale by putting Tekno Team 2000 over everyone on their current roster.

Seventeen Syllables:
Network on Peacock.
Yay, NBC with McMahon.
That's not what she said.

 

$1.00: $34.00 plus that $19.99 The Price Is Right 


Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

  • WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 3. wrestlecrapradio.com, Patreon, Coasty Marshmellow
  • URLs not taken: 1. CatherineBachinaDunkTank.com
  • SPEAKING OFs: 2. Arguing, turning the channel
  • Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 0.
 
  • Phone Calls & Run Ins: 2. Popeye, Mike Check

 

  • F-Bombs: 2. Blade, Blade (2)
  
  • Blade Time Outs:  3
  • RD Time Outs:  1 (1 Wait a second)
  • Mama's Broken Damn Damn Damn Dishes:  2
  • Cricket Chirps:  1
  • Krankor Laughs:  1
  • RJ Fletcher, Yes Man:  1
  • Weird Al Laughs: 1
 
  • Crapper's Court
    • Case brought by: Robin Enrico
    • Case #002: Crappers v. Mr. America, allegedly Hulk Hogan under a mask. 
    • Blade's "defense": Brought smiles to faces and brought back patriotism in a post-911 world.
    • Verdict: Still guilty of WrestleCrap.
 
  • Question of the Week from: David "TattooTrolla" Merlino
    • Why haven’t Jinder Mahal’s puffy nips been inducted yet? No sold. 

  • WrestleCrap 3 Count:  3 Favorite Royal Rumble Memories.
    • RD:  Greg “The Hammer” Valentine vs “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin at Royal Rumble 1990, Hogan and Warrior stare-down at the 1990 Rumble, Bobby Hennan’s 1992 Royal Rumble commentary  (non sequentially)
    • Blade:  Demolition Powers Explode at Royal Rumble 1989 #1 vs #2 entrants, “Mean Gene yelling about cigarettes (nee Honky Tonk Man Royal Rumble return), Miss Elizabeth Dalmatian dress. (née Dino Bravo Bench press challenge at the 1988 Royal Rumble) (Sequentially)
 
  • Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: WWE Network finds a new home:
    Network on Peacock.
    Yay, NBC with McMahon.
    That's not what she said.

  • Erik Majorwitz’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: The truth in figure advertising will set you free:
    “Weaponized” B. Braxton?
    Sadly, he doesn’t come with “blade”
    as illustrated!

Episode 56: The Superbowl LVI Super Preview Show: January 29, 2021

30 minutes

Blade has to remind himself to watch AEW (rather than also recording if it need be, preferably on VHS).

RD still can't believe they talked about wrestling for so long. So to compensate they'll now talk about the Superb Owl. (In case you couldn't tell from the 'artistic' title, next year's will be the 56th, i.e. LVI. Yet another missed anniversary for Blade to be drunk about over I suppose.)

Blade's Lions have yet to play in it since the Superbowl started (when they last won their 4th in 1957) "back when football was more real and less scripted". RD's Colts have won it twice out of three times, and twice out of four times before that when still in Baltimore. 

Blade reminds people that he Hobo Curses whoever he is rooting or putting money for, so this year it's on Tampa Bay and "Mr. Superbowl Man" Tom Brady. RD mocks him for liking more than one team. Then he mocks him again for wanting exiting Matthew Stafford to go to the Patriots (based on his Tecmo Bowl experience). Then he mocks him again for being hypocritical about the AFC.

RD once punched his ceiling from being so happy after his Colts beat Tom Brady one time. (:12) Blade also did once when mad at his girlfriend and had to cover it up with a Lions license plate. RD once had to cover a friend's hole (ahem) with a poster of...Catherine Bach. Blade once got a poster from a self-addressed stamped envelope from Freddy Krueger.

Anyway, RD's favorite Superbowl memory was the aforementioned Colts beating Brady...before the Superbowl (which they won). He saw their second (which they lost) in the Netherlands. Blade saw his Chiefs win in the UK before flying back into a pandemic. Child Blade's involves the '85 Bears causing the NFC to comically beat up the AFC.   His other was when the Lions play in November amidst random TV network awards (not the Bill Fralic?).

RD's other is when the almost perfect Patriots lost in Indianapolis to another Manning which the hometown considered a win for themselves regardless. The two watched that one together while Mrs. Deal had her Brady vodou doll. (:23)

As for this year's bout, RD has Kansas City 38-36. Blade has Tampa Bay 34-30. He once bet and won on a Pro Bowl's long snaps. He hopes this year's Super Bowl does not break any rushing yard records of one Washington guy in '98. RD warns people not to listen to them (again).

Gooker 2020: A Year of CoronaCrap!

Welp. 2020. It sure was a...year.

I'm not going to spend too much time on the obvious. For some it might have been a good year. For others it might have been a bad year. For others it might be in-between. Whatever the case, if you're reading this you've managed to outlast it into another year that may also be similarly good, bad, or in-between. Whatever the situation, the only way is forward.

So too did professional wrestling. The show must go on; it has to in order to survive. Even in a time with no, limited, or digital audiences, a show can still be put on, talent can still be developed, feuds and challenges can still be written, and TNA can still continue to be TNA (they're probably the only promotion to see an increase in physical audiences). Of course not everything can be good, and there will always be some stinkers or two. And none stunk as much as the following ten nominees of - 

 

Wait a moment.

 

What do you mean, it's already halfway through January? I could swear it was New Year's just a couple of days ago -

 

They voted already?

 


 

Huh. How about that.

 

Well, there's only one thing to do. Pretend voting is still ongoing and go over the nominees like it hasn't been called for yet.

[Make your own election joke here.]

Anyway, in alphabetical order:


1. Seth Rollins' vs. Rey Mysterio's Googly Eye for a Googly Eye 

Still less goofy than the actual card.

Now I understand that having fights over yet another title or belt can get boring after the 10,000th time. There is nothing wrong with shaking things up by changing the stakes as applicable. (Except if it's over shampoo.) But it has to be something feasible and logical and not (too) goofy to fight over. And if you still decide to just because, it has to be executed properly. 

Seth Rollins is no stranger to gimmick fights if his participation in last year's winner is any indication, but at least that was (originally) a proper match. And I know lucha libre has its own goofiness sometimes, but the traditional ways and establishments of it mean that they have become things that can actually work because or in spite of it. And even despite that, if the promotion still wanted to stick to the course, they should do so in a way that pays off deservedly.

But this is Vince McMahon we're talking about. He still thinks the kids of today watch (admittedly still good) Looney Tunes of his childhood.

And thus we get Rey Rey wearing that high concept technology of a googly eye.

When even the inevitable Headlie makes more sense than what WWE is producing, you know things have gone very wrong.


2. Rob Gronkowski's fumble

There's not much to say on this one because he didn't do much to warrant it. I don't mean any disrespect to him (and not because I don't think I ever drafted him in the WC Fantasy Football League), but the bookers didn't give him much to do for fear of harm and/or underestimating his skill.

Unless he tried his hand for a bit, found things were more absurd than he liked, and escaped back to football, in which case I applaud his acumen. It's not like he was Pacman Jones or anything. (Whatever happened to him, I wonder?)


3. Jeff Hardy, drunk Brother Nero

Because angles involving battling personal demons of intoxication are always fun right? It's not like he once main evented a PPV inebriated or anything. NEXT!


4. Tables, Lana & Cringe

With Rusev escaping through redundancy future endeavors, Lana finally had space of her own to do...something else equally as random as her romantic escapades. Unless they thought they could also try to get rid of her too by having her crash through a table every single week just because. When they called it the Divas' Revolution I didn't realize it meant they would fight against props and objects instead of each other and/or over a man.


5. Matt Hardy vs. Sammy Guevara vs. Gravity

Speaking of the competition and speaking of Hardys. The feud between the two became extremely physical, as if the writers wanted to make Matt literally Broken. (But at least he's not drunk right? Right?) Their Last Man Standing match where Matt fell into a concussion was the gory pinnacle (and without Gronk or Vince to show him how it's done either!) I'm not a squeamish Co-Librarian by any means (I watch un/intentional contact sports as one hobby after all), but this was just emotionally painful to watch.


6. Money In The Titan Towers

Speaking of heights and changing stakes. (Changing heights?) I can understand them wanting to do some more cinematic matches, and even try their hand at humor like they did here.

Unfortunately anyone who's suffered through a WWE Films "comedy" knows how well they do filmed humor. 

This includes when they thought knocking people off the "roof" would be a good idea. I'm saddened they didn't say they fell into a body of water and have them appear on Raw still soaking wet.


7. Raw Underground/ratings

Speaking of heights and changing stakes. (Changing heights?) The concept of raw (no pun intended) mixed martial arts fighting and brawling is a novel one. Why, you could make a championship out of such. An ultimate fighting championship if you will. And if you wanted that, why would you not be watching that instead of wrestling?

I'm saddened that Shane McMahon didn't attempt to involve himself in the fights as "best in the world" by the power of his air punches. The BITWFC if you will. That's a license to print money if ever there was one.


8. Retribution (Ride To Hell)

Oh boy.

Vince McMahon, that youthful liberal radical and totally not a rich white man who is friends with a "Hall of Fame" "president" and married to someone who worked with them after two failed Senate attempts, tries to draw on the racial tensions and movements of the year by:

  • using current NXT folk
  • having them do random heel stuff in the ring
  • have said heel stuff be extremely limited and small-scale and as-if organized
  • reveal RIDICULOUS names for them
  • bring them onto Raw despite their anarchic intentions
  • job them out almost every single time.

And people wonder why this won this year's Gooker I MEAN why this is the Gooker frontrunner.

 

9. The Swamp Fight from the Black Lagoon

Oh look, more cinematic matches. Again, WWE Films does as well with horror as they do comedy (or just about any film genre for that matter). And with Bray Wyatt involved too! Poor guy always seems to get involved in some of the unintentionally worse stuff. Perhaps this year will make up for it. It just has to.

 

10. The Viking Raiders and Street Profits fuck around and find out

With all the stalling and messing around these two tag teams did I could have sworn they were attempting their own version of WCR including Co-Hosss Contest lengths of wasted time, culminating in yet more cinematic "komedy". Again, see the aforementioned WWE Films track record. 

 

So there you have it; some of the worst of the worst of the worst of what may consider one of the worst years. Get to (retroactively) voting before the 15th! 

 

"Bren Blaihr, after I cut off your hair ya jabroni, I'm going to break ya back, and then fuck ya ass, make ya humble old country way!
Punjab Michigan, Numba One!"