Minisode #192 The Honky Tonk Mailman

by iggy

January 28, 2011

Royal Rumble vs Pro Bowl
Asian Helper
Blade dreamt of Tupac
Don Mason re-imagines a Spider-Man comic.
Sid has bad luck with cars.
Diva Mania is a club tour.
The Adventures of Mister Fitness 2 and The Midnight Rose
RD answers a critic.
The Honky Tonk Mailman Debuts.
TNA won the 2010 Gobbeldy Gooker Award

#guit marks #morningside road

Honky Tonk Mailman is a fine TNA correspondent, second only to Mike Check.

Random Thoughts from the Office: January 28, 2011

It's only been a month but it feels like a year since I've done one of these. So a week turned into a fortnight, turned into 3 weeks. How was I to know the Co-Fruitcakes would put out two shows back to back? It's like I'm cursed in some way.

This is what it must feel like to be TNA.

Although they finally won the elusive Gooker Award they'd been craving it seems like the powers at the head of TNA have given up and as a result they blew a big opportunity to really make something out of what basically feel into their laps. I'm talking of course about Matt Hardy.

I'm serious.

Now I'm not saying Matt is a great worker. From the looks of his physique he clearly doesn't give a shit anymore and from the looks of his YouTube videos, he may very well be Damien Demento 2.0 [I am looking forward for his eventual feud with '' in the not too distant future.] but Matt does do something that a lot of wrestlers can't nowadays: he gets rabid interest in what he does. Occasionally for good reasons, mostly because everyone wants to laugh at him but the old adage "Any publicity is good publicity" does ring true when it comes to Matt.

How soon we soon we forget how he was the IWC's darling after the whole "Edge stole my girlfriend" thing. When Matt discussed it and subsequently got fired over it the IWC embraced him as their own, the golden child who pushed back the curtain and let us all behind the velvet ropes, who went to Ring of Honor and got a standing ovation; for a few short weeks Matt Hardy was the hottest name in wrestling and so the WWE called him back and made money off the feud. They blew it terribly of course, so terribly that I'm not convinced the whole thing wasn't a work: Vince McMahon's joke on the Internet Wrestling Community and guys like Dave Meltzer and Bryan Alvarez. He does do that every so often after all. Just witness the whole "Tiegate" affair for evidence of that. But nonetheless the point had been proven. Matt maintained the love of a rabid core of fans while most of the IWC chose to ignore him.

Fast Forward to 2010, Matt sees his brother getting a huge push in TNA (Despite a looming court battle that hung like the sword of Damocles over his head for the whole year. But again that's a whole other column). His papers in WWE have been stamped with the term "Mid-carder for Life" and he's frustrated. And so just like so long ago Matt turns to the internet for help, starting a whole series of YouTube videos that were pretty much a dare to the WWE to fire him while at the same time trying to get interest started in him again to prove to TNA and other prospective employers that he could garner interest.

Except at the beginning it didn't happen. The IWC for the most part ignored it, taking the stance of "Fool me once...". And so the videos got more and more insane, the last resort of a desperate man. It was amusing in a sad way to watch a man who'd been such an integral part of our lives as wrestling fans go through a mental breakdown on the internet and yet like a car crash you couldn't turn away. Finally the day came where even the WWE couldn't take it anymore and Matt Hardy was released, free to join his brother at TNA after his 90 day no compete clause expired and become the big star he always knew he could be, because after all every WWE superstar that did anything of note is always pushed in TNA (Note I say "Of Note". I did that to disqualify Orlando Jordan, lest anyone want to bring him up).

To his credit Matt kept up the videos, kept up the insanity and kept the people talking about him in his 90 days off. Granted it was mostly for all the wrong reasons but again interest is everything in wrestling and Matt was certainly garnering more interest than say....Mr, Anderson, who would soon become champion.

So the day comes when you have to debut Matt Hardy in TNA. A man who has more interest in him than almost anyone on your roster. So how to debut him? Do you give him a interview block where he can vent his frustrations at WWE and talk about how your product in TNA is the best in the world? After all if the YouTube videos showed us nothing else it's that he can talk.

Or perhaps you can have him run in in the main event and help his brother retain the TNA Heavyweight Title and have the Hardys reunite on top of TNA as the top two heels in the company?

Of course the inherent problem with those two scenarios is they require logical thinking and if the last year of TNA has shown us anything it's that logic has NO place in TNA. So instead they trotted out a Rob Van Dam against a "Mystery Opponent" match, where anyone with a modicum of sense knew just who the opponent was. At least he won the match and looked sort of strong doing it, which is more than could be said for Rob Van Dam, who was buried 10 seconds after his debut. That's not the point though, the point is that the moment was lost and a chance to make a hot new star was lost forever.

Now was Matt Hardy going to be the face that finally put TNA on the map? No. Was he going to be a game changer that drew some initial interest ala Hulk Hogan? No. Was he even going to be a name TNA could rely on long term to be a guy to be at the top? Probably not.

But still he was a "Big Name" and a "Big Name" with at least some interest following him into TNA and when the opportunity came to make a star. TNA blew it, a fact made all the more sad because right now, TNA needs all the stars it can get.

Clarence "Showstealer" Mason

192 Ready to Royal Rumble: January 28, 2011

Blade was in an actual recording studio the other day. Presumably he had to wear pants while doing so.

The duo spend some time talking about/advertising this very site. I feel like a third/fourth sponsor now. I should get Clarence to send them some ad copy that RD would butcher while trying to read it. [ From Fantasy Booking Island to RD's Dream Analysis and all the crap in between. Every Wrestlecrap Radio archived and dissected for your entertainment. Plus Random Thoughts on Wrestling from THE Clarence Mason....or at least someone who plays him as a gimmick. It's the Crapipedia of the Internetz. Yes it really IS taken (I really should write these more often) - Clarence]

The 2010 Gooker has been decided, and it is TNA's first: The New Monday Night Wars. Boy, that sure went well while it lasted, huh? Blade wanted Abyss and his Green Lantern ring and RD cheated by mentioning nominee Orlando Jordon in his writing.

There's talk of numbers in the upcoming Royal Rumble. RD wants defeated combatants to return to the ring but disguised in masks. But would the show handle itself well against the ratings powerhouse that is...the Pro Bowl? Here's a thought: combine the two outings: Have all the football players fight against each other in a wrestling ring. The winner gets the opportunity to be exempt from the next Pro Bowl.

RD (on Blade's 'soberness' at first): "You're doing good. I'm waiting for you to fall off the wagon."

:20 The show is "very amateurish". RD discovers Asian Helper, of the Helper genre of foods. Blade dreamed he met a still alive Tupac Shakur working in a fast food outlet. I bet RD would have dreamed about the Notorious BIG instead.

:24 Sid Vicious was arrested for marijuana possession. This of course logically leads to discussion about Spiderman and how Don once made fun of a comic book for some reason. Lizzie Valentine/Kandi Kisses turns down WWE. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.

Jillian Hall Tiffany and Maria want some sort of Divamania tour that is sure to bring fans by the...tens. RD reads their announcement about it very precisely. Then he does it in his Jeff Foxworthy voice.  Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness (losing the #2 sadly) were wrestling in Ottawa, Kansas. Popeye is interested. (:50)

Kurt Angle is a father again. In true celebrity fashion he has given his child a very strange name. RD should volunteer to be the babysitter so he can lull the child to sleep talking about Angle's moveset.

:55 Statement Of The Week: Adam W. of Facebook alerts the two on someone named 'Johnny C' disapproving of The Death Of WCW, somewhere around here. Blade disapproves of the disapproving by not even answering the guy's claims. RD has a more coherent and logical response to add to that.

Timeout real quick.

(I've always wanted to say write that.)

As much as Mr. Brakestown is a fine young egg (perhaps a pickled fine young egg from all the liquor he consumes), he really doesn't handle the essence of trolling, which is basically all that their critic is doing. (I think Chris Engler needs to send him a TrollTrolla to teach him what trolling is all about.) What he thinks he sees is some guy who, while he is definitely allowed his own opinion on whatever he wants (it's his right after all), is someone with actual power that has a physical affect on the world.

What Blade thinks he sees in an average troll: Not Big Daddy V as himself, but an Armored Troll threatening Aragorn at the Battle of the Black Gate in The Lord Of The Rings: The Return of The King. And by the way? Viggo Mortensen is ALSO a large fan of the Canadiens, which amuses me to no end.

But this is what he's actually seeing:

A troll doll. Note the intimidating stance, brutal viciousness, and evil glint in its visage.
Ignore its attempt to be a wizard. (Pink-Hair the Blue?)

...Not exactly the same thing. It would be like thinking of a cute Persian cat as an angry Siberian tiger. They MAY be related somehow, but they're not exactly the same thing.

And now you know. And knowledge is power. Guard it well.

[Also Scott if for some reason you're reading this since the site has since transformed into a Blog of DOOM, we should pit our Animal Crossing islands against one another. The loser has to buy Blade one of those troll dolls. - Future PB]

This, by the way, is also perhaps the longest they've ever answered a Question/Statement on the show. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing either.
:64 Blade's TNA mailman finally shows up to bad MIDI music. He calls himself The Honky Tonk Mailman. Wait...are we sure it's not John Kelly back from the dead? He steals people's Observers for his news reporting. He thus read-tells us about 88 year old Hogan's 'upcoming' marriage which will last two months. There's also some Pistol Pez Whatley stamp which is sure to be of more worth than anything Hulk is doing these days. (And should he get a big profit from the stamp he should use it to pay for a better Skype connection which breaks up from time to time.) Then he leaves for his Pink Cadillac, Thank you very much.

[On a personal note, I keep thinking of my fellow Forum friend (and friend of the Habitant, but not one of the Twelve) Darth Alexander, who uses the Honky Tonk Man as his avatar. I'll never think of one without thinking of the other, and vice versa.]

:75 The Royal Rumble returns to rear its roughened rump at us. RD wants Yoshi Tatsu to win. Blade wants Roddy Piper. There's some very confusing discussion about their Pro Bowl Bet thing. RD: "I would be senile if I told you you were not a drunk."

DDP is hosting Nitro DVDs. Bobby Heenan has his own DVD where everyone think he's dead (an in advance tribute DVD perhaps?).

Seventeen Syllablyastic Thoughts:
TNA Gooker.
Biggest award they have won.
Dixie must be proud.

Blade owes $3.00 ($12.25)

Minisode #191 New and Improved Again

by iggy

January 21, 2011 was refurbished with Headlies.
C.S. Irwin Eulogy
Diva Trim
Trish in "Bail Enforcers"
Nintendo John talks about Randy Savage in video games.

#johnny three #beakers are busting

There's something very satisfying about deleting 80% of every episode.

191 Ripped from the Headlies: January 21, 2011

WrestleCrap is new and improved! Now where have I heard that one before?

As mentioned from last week, the site has something new for the first time in over seven years. No, it is NOT the return of the Jobber Of The Week. On the top of the main page is a 'LiFi Scanner' that posts random words and phrases strung together into sentences to make what is commonly referred to as a 'joke' from a  Twitter account, with no other articles or sources related to said Tweets, which would be semi-frequently updating until the random headline generator behind it stops working or the figure behind the account gets bored of the whole ordeal. (And no, it's not me.) From that, fine young eggs Justin Henry and Sean Carless and Catherine Perez make 'humorous' wrestling related 'newz' in the form of WrestleCrap Headlies. Personally, that is about as clever as someone having the pen name of "Topsy Kretts".

So essentially WrestleCrap is trying its hand to be the Onion of the wrestling world/IWICK. (An OnionTrolla perhaps?) This isn't a bad thing of course, as both the Onion and the A.V. Club are really great sites. The question is how long they can maintain some sort of level over the long term, as much as the often absurd world of wrestling lends to its own self-parody and comedy. More importantly, would it be something that Dave Meltzer would finally be reporting on?

I admit, if I put any effort into it I may have some success also (alongside running this site of course). Hmmm...

Fresh from the LiFi Scanner: John Cena is set to star in The (Space) Marine 3: The Ultramarine (in Space). "This is taking 'U can't see me' to a whole new level," proclaimed WWE CEO Vince McMahon, "since now you can't see him in outer space as well as not seeing him in theaters." A collaboration with Games Workshop's popular sci-fi franchise Warhammer 40,000, Cena is to play Ultramarines Chapter Master Marneus Calgar, a well known and controversial figure thought by many within the community to be pushed and publicized too much despite he and his chapter being thought of as bland, generic, and unoriginal. "Any similarities between the two are totally coincidental and unrelated," Mr. McMahon said when asked about this. The former WWE World Champion said he looked forward to expand his acting abilities for the role by, to paraphrase him, "doing the Five Finger Shuffle in one of his trademark Power Fists." In addition to Mr. Cena, Paul "Triple H" Levesque is also to star as the God-Emperor of Mankind. Reports that Randy Orton would play the part of a still unannounced main villain and that the diminutive Hornswaggle was to play Calgar's comic relief sidekick were unconfirmed as of press time. Mr. McMahon was last seen in a nearby Games Workshop store complaining that the miniature figures that are the basis of the tabletop game did not have enough muscles on them, and was overheard suggesting giving them scale size ICOPRO supplements.

Heh, I can see why such diversions would be fun to write now. Perhaps next I'll see if this very site can be linked as an official source of wrestling news and have all the dirsheets coming to our digital doorstep, or what have you.

What isn't fun though is some Sad News, as we are reminded of John Kelly's 'departure' from the show last week due to an exhaustion of bad puns for Blade to try and fumble through. Blade's next replacement for the TNA reporting: his own mailman. Well that could be convenient; he could just mail his news in every week. (Insert laughing Krankor here.) Blade is also still confused about RD's Swear Jar.

:25 Random discussions about the Colts prevail. Blade's grade school constantly gave children erections. RD mercilessly needles him on this, forcing Blade to apologize for once. Sadly he does not seek revenge by asking to watch the music video for Hot for Teacher. Anyway, Bart's Red Cream Soda has returned to RD's Meijers. Is Loroza's Pizza next?

:35 Dustin "Screech" Diamond is now booking himself for wrestling. Hey, anyone remember when he was on Hogan's celebrity wrestling? Or anything about Hogan's celebrity wrestling nonsense thing at all? Yeah, me neither. Torrie Wilson is shilling some drug-like workout supplement with the very bad name of Diva Trim. The only thing we learn from it for sure is that Blade is so drunk he can't say the word supplement. There's some very small film footage for Trish Stratus's upcoming film Bail Enforcers, wherein she hits some criminal with a garbage can lid. On the other hand, it IS better than that god-damned trailer for The Chaperone, which was so bad that WWE tried to pull it off the interwebs.

:50 B.M. Punk calls in. His major complaint this time is that John Kelly very much sounded like him. Wow, how very meta. He also reports on Tammy Sytch's poop problems on Facebook. Shouldn't Satan be the one calling in for this? Social networking sites ARE his domain after all.

:55 Ultimate Kennedy (11) has a rather simple Question of a skinnier Vickie Guerrero on TV. Odd Christmas gifts are discussed.

The mailman didn't show up. I have a worrying feeling he's going to sound like Peter Gazer.

:59 Randy Savage is in promos for WWE's upcoming All-Stars video game, giving opportunity for Nintendo John to call. For some reason his audience is suffering from slow reaction times.

The Royal Rumble is changing itself by adding 10 more jobbers for a total of 40 combatants. Wow, that's not a wrestling match, that's a fucking raid group in vanilla World Of Warcraft. Forget trying to handle the Twin Emperors in the ring, I wonder how they'll be able to fit them inside. They're gonna need a bigger boat, is what I'm thinking.

Seventeen Syllables:
Forty Man Rumble.
Wrestling bores me so much now
I'll need a Forty.

Blade owes RD $2.25 for this week, for a combined total of $9.25 from last week.

Minisode #190 Swear Jar

by iggy

January 14, 2011

Swear Jar
Blade's life begins at 37.
Throwback Doritos
Sunny's Cookbook
David Arquette goes to rehab.
Ashley Massaro gets a reality show.
The Pro Bowl Bet
Fantasy League Winner Ed Salo
C.S. Irwin meets the Ratings Reaper.
Mike Check calls from the big house.
Angry Jim has a New Year's Resolution.
Blade haikus about Mike Adamle.

#david arquette screen saver #demons analyzing wrestling ratings

Blade said no to the Swear Jar, but whatever.

190 Resolution: January 14, 2011

- Hunt down Johnny Ace
It's nice to see Blade try (and fail) to be more clean. To use a Blade-style analogy, it's like watching a cripple try and climb a flight of stairs unaided. RD thinks of using a Swear Jar for that task.

Both Co-Fruitcakes had a boring New Year's Eve. Blade was injured while RD fell asleep before midnight. RD is selling old movies on eBay if you're also interested in getting equally bored for the NEXT New Year's. Blade models his life after Randy Savage.

RD wants to 'turn things around' for the site (:09) by making a new column for it. The rest of his talk is just rambling about the progrem. Bad quality sounds of lightning and Blade being clean interrupts RD's shilling. (:14)

:18 Blade tries some Throwback Doritos (not made from natural sugar). He approves.

:22 Tammy Sytch is writing a cookbook on (and not belly dancing!) that can be funded by just about anyone, quite similar to the Rose's movie that was mentioned and promptly forgotten about last year. Let's just hope she doesn't have any recipes involving eggs. RD thinks she will belly dance based on the "gogo" part of the url. For once, Blade has to explain to him the concept of crowdfunding. Yes, I know.

David Arquette is in rehab...since December. Boy, that's some hot latest wrestling news for you. Dave Meltzer can only marvel at such speed. SPEAKING OF, Blade's ex-girlfriend did not like RD's gift screensaver of the former WCW Champion. (:30)

Ashley Massaro will be on a bad sounding copy of The Bachelorette with potential suitors actually fighting for her. RD has to explain nicknames of their Divas to new listeners. Blade loses track. Is the Midnight Rose homeless? (:40)  He'll be wrestling in Ottawa (in Kansas, far south of Canada) on the 21st and is also to be getting his own well made tour T-shirts.

:45 Question Of The Week: TV's Mr. Neil of Facebook wants a new football bet. Blade wants to bet on the Pro Bowl. RD accepts, but he'd prefer to bet on if the game is actually good.

:49 Ed Salo's Trash Baggin' won this year's FFL with a 5-8 record. RD calls him up. He once again answers sleepily. He wins despite not properly updating his roster from week to week, but he has a field day having fun with it all. He rewarded himself with a Classic Boo Berry shirt. RD dismisses him by ending the Skype conversation.

:59 John Kelly. Something about making an actual feud based on that fucking blasted love triangle between Jeff Jarrett and Kurt and Karen Angle. See, THIS is why TNA is failing.

Blade can't get through his bad jokes anymore so the Ratings Reaper returns from his exile since the Roast to claim him. (I sincerely hope this is also how Horatio Caine meets his end when they cancel CSI: Miami.)

:67 Mike Check calls from prison to pad out the progrem length. He was once based Tuskaloosa's WEAT "Eat In Tuskaloosa" as Jammin' Jay Duvall, and with Pete "PB" Basille did "Lunch with PB & Jay" Taylor Wilde has retired rather than continue to work in the healthy environment that is TNA. Of course, Mike has always wanted to get Wilde with her. This is also probably the first I've heard Cat Stevens on US-based radio in years.

:75 Shawn Michaels is going to the Hall Of Fame. This is a good an excuse as any for Jim Ross to call in. He resolves to get Andre's HOF ring for his penis. Let's hope Hollywood John doesn't claim it first.

There is still a week left as of this writing to vote for the Gooker. This year we have: Abyss and his Hulk Hogan Green Lantern-style ring, Edge kidnapping Paul Bearer, The New Monday Night War, another blasted Hornswaggle angle, Orlando Jordan, THEY (Bischoff and Hogan) 'coming' to TNA, John Cena getting 'fired' yet still showing up for work, Standing Up for Linda's Senate Bid, NXT Season 3, and Bret Hart Vs. Vince McMahon.

Mike Adamle was caught drunk driving. Blade has one piece of ACTUAL advice for him: get drunk at home instead.

Seventeen Syllables of advice for him:
Adamle's a lush.
He needs a new role model:
Mister Blade Braxton.

Blade owes RD $7 at the end of all this.