Episode 118: Holy Cash!: November 27, 2023

Penguin's Clean Sweep
January 25, 1968
"The Penguin contaminates all the printed money with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness in order to claim them himself but is dangerously frustrated by Bruce Wayne's countermove."
44 minutes

RD WANTS A BAT SWATTER. He marvels at he and Vince doing a video progrem together covering such a television series as this, which is in its waning days.

Vince remembered watching the episode on first airing.

Narrator: "A peaceful day in Gotham City. But at the Gotham City branch of the Mint, the peace is about  to be shattered by a familiar feathered felon."
We know its the mint because it is a big black warehouse there is a giant penny on the wall, though sadly not that giant penny. RD considers making one of his own. Has he thought about making a coaster?
Penguin breaks in with his lady (Miss Clean) and his goons (Dustbag and Pushbroom). "Green ink and paper make a very interesting combination: wheelbarrows full of money," he notes. RD is reminded of Jim Cornette wanting to do that with title belts. 

Meanwhile at Stately Wayne Manor, Bruce is telling Barbara that he's been elected "chairman of the  Gotham City anti-littering campaign."

[Checks earpiece]

I'm sorry, I'm being told that it's in fact Barbara who's been elected "chairman of the  Gotham City anti-littering campaign," which for some reason necessitated her visiting in person to ask for his support.
RD: "He probably vacated that position, maybe that's why she was there."
Father Gordon is also there, having yet another flimsy excuse to get too close to his daughter. Again.
Barbara: "Daddy arranged for this meeting, Bruce."
Bruce (lustily): "I'm glad he did, Barbara."

Gordon then gets a call from O'Hara informing him on the robbery, so he tells him to call the Batphone. Cue O'Hara being dumbfounded by a phone with only one button. Alfred makes a quick cover on the water line being burst so Bruce can excuse himself to change.

After the titles, we see the Batmobile launch out of the Batcave to rush to the Office, a visual that hasn't been seen in a long while. (:10)
Before the Duo can take the elevator to go up Police HQ Pengy and his goons join them in it. "The Dynamic Do-gooders. You've been helping old ladies across the street, Batman?"
Robin: "We're going to help you into a jail cell, you beaked buffoon."
Penguin: "Leave my beak out of this, you baby barnacle."
Robin: "Let's get them, Batman!"
Penguin: "No, no! Stop this loutish violence, you teenage truant. It offends my cultured soul."
They all pile into the Office.
Penguin: "There's the blue-coated baboon and his boorish boss."
O'Hara: "Perfect witnesses, Pengy, when you bring suit for false arrest."
Pengy in fact didn't steal anything from the mint, so Batman reminds him he did break and enter it.
Penguin: "This is trickery. This is low, conniving trickery."
Batman: "The only trickery was on your part, Penguin. So for the present, you drop the lawsuit, we'll  drop the charges."
Somehow this is satisfactory, according to Chief Prosecutor Batman. They shoo out Penguin and company as Batgirl comes in, thinking they instead left something at the scene. She links this to seeing the mint employees all knocked out for far longer than with the usual gas. Batman decides to go and check the crime scene for himself. 

The employees are still knocked out as Batman investigates, and of course he does absolutely nothing for them. He's more focused on what he finds on some of the bills: some sort of pathogen. "Somnophilia lygeria to be exact. Lygerian Sleeping Sickness. They're normally carried by the Lygerian fruit fly. In this case, Penguin was able to plant a culture of the bacteria in the ink used in making this  money."
Unfortunately a stack of contaminated bills has already been sent to Gotham National Bank. Batgirl goes to check it while the Duo go to the General Hospital for the antidote B-6 vaccine.
Robin: "Holy hypodermics! We'd better get our hands on it fast!"

Narrator: "But at the Gotham General Hospital, a certain well-known bird is up to his usual well-known tricks."
Surprisingly the hospital is an actual set instead of a big black warehouse. In fact the doctor is played by John Beradino, who was then also Dr. Steve Hardy on General Hospital. (He was also a former baseballer, winning the '48 World Series with Cleveland.)
Penguin orders Dr. Hardy to jab his goons with the vaccine "before I do some jabbing myself! Before I demonstrate the famous Penguin technique of open-heart surgery!"
They then dump the rest of the liquid vaccine just as the Duo enter. Penguin releases three of the fruit flies - you'll have to take his word on it, we can only hear their buzzing.
Robin jumps up and down like he's had too much vaccine trying to catch them, to no effect. "What about the Insecticide Bat-bomb?"
Batman: "I left it in the Batmobile. But we dare not open that door until all three of these flies are dead. Fortunately I brought my All-Purpose Bat-Swatter."
Of course it's bat shaped even if very tiny, and he manages to get two of them. The third lands on Robin's nose, of course, causing a lot of cross eyes from the Boy Wonder. Thankfully it's nothing some Bat-Tweezers can't handle. Robin: "Holy Rip van Winkle." They put it in a Bat-bottle for later. 

Batman: "Doctor, has Penguin disposed of all that B-6 vaccine?"
Dr. Hardy: "I'm afraid so, and the only other supply is in Lygeria."
Batman: "Telephone Lygeria. Have them fly fruit fly vaccine here immediately."
Dr. Hardy: "All right, Batman, but "immediately" means 24 hours."

Unfortunately by the time the Duo meet Batgirl at the Bank, $13,000 of the money has already been withdrawn. Batman calls Gordon to emergency broadcast to the City not to handle the money. How they can make sure to not mix it up with actual money they don't say, but knowing Gordon he will find some obscure way to fuck it up. The Duo then take their leave of Batgirl.

The emergency message is heard on a tiny transistor radio. (RD had to explain one to his wife.) (:23) Everyone in the city immediately dumps all their money away without even checking it first. The money is all left for Penguin with Miss Clean to suck it up with an actual industrial vacuum.
Goon: "I never thought I'd like being a trash collector, boss."
Penguin: "It's different when there's gold in the garbage, huh? (He sees Batgirl pull up.) There's trash of another color on the horizon. Bat-Trash."

The last time Batgirl tried taking on a crowd of people before getting knocked out it took five seconds.
This time it only needs two.
They leave her out cold on the road to continue their pickup. Pengy even sings a little ditty as he does so.

Meanwhile at Stately Wayne Manor Bruce calls all his peers and colleagues around the globe warning them of the situation. Though why he has to do it personally one by one rather than have his Wayne Corporation help out in some capacity I have no idea. Personal touch, perhaps?

Narrator: "And in a (big black) warehouse near the outskirts of the city..."
The villains are all giddy with their gains in the millions. Miss Clean wants a house in the country. Pengy then calls for the "World League of Nations." "You said you wanted a house in the country, I gotta buy you a country to put the house in."

Unfortunately, after declining one country because he's allergic to vodka, he finds that no one is willing to accept his money. Somehow, Bruce managed to tell everyone worldwide in the space of a few hours. Let's see Superman try and do that one day.

Robin: "Thanks to your calls, Batman, there's probably no one in the world who will accept Penguin's  money. A brilliant idea."
Batman: "Merely common sense, old chum. If you can't spend it, money is just a lot of worthless paper,  isn't it? And that's exactly what Penguin has, a pile of worthless green paper."
They still need to deal with the fruit flies though. He asks Alfred to check the Bat-Weather instruments ("I make it clear and cool, sir. Temperature approximately, 45 degrees") before Pengy calls Bruce on the regular phone.
He demands Bruce fix the situation or he will release all the flies. Of course he won't.
Penguin: "All right, Wayne. You have just doomed Gotham City to 1000 years of very sound sleep."
He decides to just steal all the precious metals and jewelry if he can't get the money.

Somehow Batgirl got to the Office as Gordon wonders where Batman is, right before the Batphone rings. The Dark Knight asks them to meet him at the Bank.

Cut to the Bank where everyone is asleep due to Penguin unleashing his flies. He doesn't find it odd that Batman is smiling and resting his head on his hands though.
Penguin: "The flies really did their work. They're all sleeping like babies. Even this mutton-headed Police Chief. Of course he looks like he's sleeping even when he's awake."
He finds a watch and goes to pick it up - immediately awakening everyone.
Miss Clean: "That's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you send out a fly to do a man's job."
Robin: "That's right, Pengy-poo. We're just sleepwalking."
Batgirl: "What do you say to a little sleep-fighting, Robin?"

During the fight Batgirl is lifted in the air, allowing her to smiling kick and jump off a magazine rack. For some reason West's stunt double suddenly has stubble. This is made even more silly by Meredith actually doing his own work instead of using a double. Vince was too distracted by his makeup and prosthetic nose slipping. RD already misses Joker's double. Penguin gets tossed into a trashcan.

Penguin: "You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies."
Batman: "You murdered them, Penguin, when you let them out. My recent research on Lygerian fruit  flies has proved conclusively that Gotham City's 45-degree temperatures caused an inversion of air  layers."
Batgirl: "Which in turn, raised the atmospheric pressure and crushed the flies to death."
Robin: "You tricked yourself, Penguin. Just as you did when you had that doctor give you a double dose of B-6 vaccine. So large a dose, you'll probably contract Lygerian Sleeping Sickness yourself."

And thus the Penguin exits the series by falling asleep.  

Batman: "I consulted a very reliable weather forecaster who predicted that today would be clear and  cool."
Gordon: "Well, he was certainly right about it being cool but those clouds up there don't look very clear."
Cut to Alfred with an umbrella in a totally different location as it rains.
Alfred (to the camera): "After all, even the best of weathermen is entitled to an occasional miss."

As a bookend, this time Bruce visits Barbara and Gordon at her Apartment, just to ask her for some coffee (and to show off her lovely red dress).
Bonnie calls Gordon to patch through Warden Crichton to tell him that two women named Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny are constantly visiting Shame in prison. 

Narrator: "But little does Commissioner Gordon know what he's about to see or what trouble that  double-dealing desperado Shame is hatching right now with Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny in the  prison visiting room and which will explode before everyone's eyes...on our next episode!"

Miss Clean's averageness has made Vince completely forget all about her. He gives her 5 Batpoles and guesses 32 years. RD is more generous and gives 6 even though he wrote "TON OF MAKEUP". 41 year old Belge-American Monique van Vooren was most active on screens in the 50s and 60s. She was more known for her dancing, including advising one of her act colleagues named Ronnie Walken change his name to Christopher.

RD will write about A Rich Little Christmas Carol for his Christmas inducting. He first has to figure out how to write about Truman Capote.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [11] (Burgess Meredith) [11]

   

• Window Celebrity: 1. John Beradino
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Gimmick

Episode 117: Holy Pied Piper!: November 20, 2023

Nora Clavicle and the Ladies' Crime Club
January 18, 1968
"Nora Clavicle, a women's rights activist, uses her influence to have Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara, and the whole police force fired and replaced with women. She cuts ties with Batman and Robin, then launches her plan to blow up Gotham City with explosive-packed mice and collect on the insurance. The Terrific Trio look for a way to neutralize her mechanical hordes before it's too late."
48 minutes

RD: Worst Episode? Not a Chance! He calls who think otherwise fools, but NOT geeks, nerds, or poindexters living in Unabomber-style shacks. The episode may be a satire of the then very active womens' movement (Nora Clavicle being a parody name of Gloria Steinem [as Sternum]), but it's not as if the whole show was also a satire of the current times right?

The first Red Lobster opened on the airdate in Lakeland, Florida.

Narrator: "A festive day in Gotham City. And at a civic luncheon at the [big black warehouse] Gotham-Astoria, Police  Commissioner Gordon is being honored for 25 years of faithful service." (:06)

The main characters have large signs to identity them, in case viewers had suddenly forgotten. This includes the absent Mayor Linseed and Mrs. Linseed.
Gordon: "I really don't think I deserve all this."
RD: "NO YOU DON'T!"

The Linseeds arrive late, arguing loudly with each other. Mayor Linseed gives Gordon a gold watch - and then fires him, to be replaced by one Nora Clavicle.
Barbara: "I didn't realize her crusade for women had gone this far."
Gordon: "I'd say she's won that crusade."
O'Hara: "Saints preserve us! Saints preserve us all!"
Vince wonders where Mrs. Gordon is. There wouldn't be one until after the Crisis (On Infinite Earths) 20 years later. 

Nora then gives some words wearing a dull brown ensemble while someone pounds a large bass drum with "Women Power" on the side. Her first act is to replace O'Hara with Mrs. Linseed. Already RD approves.
Linseed: "I had no other choice, Mr. Wayne. My wife is such a devoted follower of Ms. Clavicle's  crusade for women that she refused to cook or clean or wash my shirts until I appointed Ms. Clavicle commissioner of police. I've worn this shirt for a week. I haven't had a decent meal in months."
Bruce: "It's all right, Mayor Linseed. We understand."
Vince: "The only thing this was missing was a barefoot joke."

In the Batcave Alfred answers the Batphone. To Batman with disdain: "It's her, sir."
Batman: "Yes, Ms. Clavicle?"
Clavicle: "Commissioner Clavicle, Batman, calling to tell you you can take an extended vacation. We  girls are handling things now and we won't need any help from you men, bat or otherwise. Goodbye, Batman."
She then cuts the phone line with scissors. For some reason Mrs. Linseed is in the Office wearing a police uniform. For some other reason two other women are in the Office wearing golden togas.

Batman: "There's something curious about this affair."
You don't say.
He asks Robin to go on a drive with him.
Alfred: "Well, good luck, sir. We men are counting on you, you know."

Narrator: "While, in the secret closet behind Barbara Gordon's bedroom, Batgirl has a very similar idea. But even as she starts her own investigation, what's happening in Commissioner Gordon's - er, Commissioner Clavicle's Office?" (:15)
Nora congratulates Mrs. Linseed for already replacing all the men with women. She takes her leave.
Nora (to the toga women): "Now that she's out of the way, you girls may proceed with Operation  Ransack while I proceed with Operation Disaster Insurance."
The women (named Angelina and Evelina) remind her she still has to deal with the Terrific Trio, and she can't just call them since she cut the phone line. So it's time to start a crime.

Narrator: "Later at the Gotham City Bank, Angelina and Evelina are making the scene. Of a crime."

Of course the policewomen don't have guns, even when led by other women.

Of course the policewomen have rolling pins instead. 

Of course the policewomen are checking their makeup and gossiping instead of doing anything. 

Of course the policewomen are going for clearance sales in their cars.

So despite the situation it's good to know that Gotham City's police are still just as useless.

Branch Manager: "Officer, chase them! They've just robbed my bank!"
Policewoman: "How can I chase them when they have the car? And all I have are my new Givenchy  shoes. And I'm certainly not gonna wreck them."

The Trio finally appear at the crime scene, having seen and heard everything.
Robin: "Holy bargain basements, Batman."
Batman: "Our concern is the bargain hunters at the Gotham National Bank."
He decides to use his "portable Batcomputer in the Batmobile."
Batgirl: "I think I'll tag along, Batman. The instruments in the Batgirl-cycle aren't as sophisticated as those in the Batmobile."
Batman gives a smug smile and nod at her complimenting his equipment.

Narrator: "Following the portable Batcomputer's lead, the Terrific Trio drop in on the [big black] warehouse of  Dropstitch & Company, manufacturers of fine knitting needles. But who has the drop on whom?"
Its the villains; the villains have the drop by putting a knitting needle to Batgirl's neck. This is somehow enough to stop a trained superhero.
Robin: "Holy knit one, purl two."
Nora: "All right, girls. Let's tie the Terrific Trio into terrific Siamese human knots."
This is done by having the Trio hold each other like they're playing Twister.
Nora: "You are wise to stay motionless. Or you will be the Terminated Trio. The slightest move by any one of you will only draw the human knot tighter, crush your bones, and strangle you."
Robin: "Holy hamstrings!"
Batman (trying not to move his mouth): "Exactly, Robin. This is torture at its most bizarre and terrible."

Now this is a good cliffhanger, or at least mid-way point for the episode. But first we get Batman goading the villain into revealing their actual plan.
Batman (trying not to move his mouth): "If I dared move my head, I might recognize it. But I daren't."
Somehow Nora got a $10 million insurance policy on the whole of the city for $200.

Vince: "If the city is destroyed, who's paying the $10 million?"

Nora then does the other villain thing in leaving the three by going to their blue van truck. The two women drive it while Nora deploys explosives on the roads - plastic mice bombs, set to detonate shortly before sunset.
Robin: "Do we dare breathe, Batman?"
Batman (trying not to move his mouth): "Cautiously, Robin. Cautiously. Talking has been dangerous  enough. A deep breath might prove fatal."
Meanwhile Batgirl is making the most exaggerated faces.

On a much more important note, Gordon and O'Hara now have to visit the unemployment office like all the other former police-men.
O'Hara: "What else can we do?"
Gordon: "Get other jobs."
O'Hara: "But we've been policemen almost all of our lives. We don't know how to do anything else."
Gordon: "True enough, Chief O'Hara. We only know one trade, and suddenly that trade is closed to us. Taken over by women."
O'Hara: "Begorrah, the shame of it."

Meanwhile Batgirl is having leg cramps, which gives Batman the avenue to release their Twister hold with him intensely focused on wiggling his ears and Robin bending a finger.
Batman: "Release us, Batgirl."
RD: "I bet he's been wanting to say that ever since he met her."
Vince wonders why they don't do similar holds in wrestling.

Thus freed they get outside, seeing one of the explosive mice.

Of course the policewomen are too scared of mice to do anything about them.

Batman: "There's a legion of these lethal mice whirring through Gotham City at this very moment. Robin, call Chief O'Ha... Chief Linseed on the police channel. Tell her to mobilize her entire force and send them out to gather up these mice. I'll be back by the time you finish that call."

Of course the policewomen in the police department are inundated with the mice on the floors, scaring them all up to their desks and tables. 

Batgirl: "I might have known you can't get policewomen to help you catch mice."
Robin: "It's diabolical."

Thankfully, Batman has a solution: play a flute like a Pied Piper, causing the mice to scatter.
Robin: "How did you do it, Batman?"
Batman: "There's no time to explain, Robin. I want you both to play exactly the same tune that you just  heard."
Robin: "But - "
Batman: "Just play, Robin! Play for all you're worth!"

So we spend several moments of the three jaunting around 'tooting', which the Bros greatly enjoyed.

Narrator: "With only moments left before disaster, the Terrific Trio and their retinue of rodents arrive at dockside."
This is shown by the mice props going in a straight line on a conveyor belt into the water. RD would be willing to pay $300 for one of them so he would show it on his desk. Vince would pay $1000 in a glass case.
One mouse remains, too good to follow the herd. Batman has to frenetically toot at it a few times to make it move. Vince wished he would have just kicked it into the water instead. 

Robin: "How did you know they'd follow us, Batman?"
Batman: " I was able to determine that the guidance systems in the mice was built around the principle of high-frequency radar. So by selecting the right combination of flute toots, I was able to cause those mice and their homing mechanisms to zero in on the source of the sounds: the flutes."

RD: "I don't understand how anyone could watch this episode and think it was the worst, whenever you had this specifically: I wasn't going to bring up the big black warehouse; I have to bring it up one last time. They're "walking through the streets" of Gotham, and it literally looked like someone took chalkboards and drew buildings on them. How on earth could someone say this is the worst? Not a chance!" 

And the truck is stopped by Alfred of all people, backed by the Undynamic Duo.
Alfred: "They were exceeding the speed limit by a considerable margin sir, so we thought it best to take them into custody."
Nora: "You can't arrest us. You have no power."
O'Hara: "Citizen's arrest, me fine-feathered females. Heh."
Robin: "You should have bought some prison insurance, Ms. Clavicle."
Gordon: "She'll need it where she's going, Boy Wonder. A long-term policy with Warden Crichton as the beneficiary."

And this was done without a single fight with the stunt doubles. RD thinks there was one with the mice.

Penguin waits until things are back to normal to call the Office: "Just let me ask you one thing, Commissioner. Did you ever hear of the lethal Lygerian fruit fly?"
Narrator: "And Commissioner Gordon certainly will hear of lethal Lygerian fruit flies. And so shall we  all when Penguin pulls his insidious insect antic...in our next episode!"

41 year old Barbara Rush did a lot of work in TV and film Vince gives her 6 Batpoles for her at least having fun with her role (He guesses 38).. RD gives 6.5.
She was at least far more noticeable than the "generic" women, who get 7. British June "Evelina" Wilkinson was a well known model of the time, eventually transitioning from that and acting to the business of fitness centers. Inga "Angelina" Nielsen was best known for being over 6 feet tall, but she still had quite a varied career and now lives happily in Santa Monica. 

RD issues a challenge for people to meet and beat Santa at the Arcade.

RD wrote about TNA doing something funny for once.

• Special Guest Villain: Nora Clavicle (Barbara Rush)
  

  
  
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Beautiful beautiful beautiful
  

Episode 116: Holy Clip Show!: November 13, 2023

Louie's Lethal Lilac Time
January 11, 1968
"Louie the Lilac is in town, planning to corner the lilac perfume market in Gotham City. His concoction requires the glands of several animals, so he kidnaps Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson to make the extractions. With "Batman and Robin" unable to respond, Batgirl attempts a rescue, only to be captured herself. The trio rely on their wits (and the latest bat-invention) to attempt an escape."
45 minutes

RD: LOUIE IS THE WORST. Even more than Lord Ffogg?

RD: "Let me ask you this. Let's say Frank Gorshin came in, he was gonna be Louie the Lilac. Do you think he would've played it the exact same way that Milton Berle did?"
Vince: "Sometimes we gotta make chicken salad out of chicken you-know-what."

Narrator: "Ambergris Bay outside Gotham City, where the elite flee the heat."

Perhaps in an attempt to counterbalance the episode quality, one of the first things we see is Yvonne Craig bent over while in a sports bra and very tight tights.
RD: "I went back and did some research. It was rated five stars in the Batman '66 Observer newsletter."
Barbara is visiting Bruce at his big black warehouse on the beach.
Vince: "I mean, bro, they are, I don't wanna say on a shoestring, but they are definitely budget conscious."
RD: "No, they're wearing loafers. They don't have enough money for shoestrings."
Bruce needs to use this warehouse more, since Dick "needs a place to entertain his friends," whatever that means. Barbara is just there to help chaperone, whatever that means. 

Sure enough Dick and friends arrive, but they're not yet in any mood to start the orgy immediately. He thinks they were being followed because they found some "soaked graham bread".
Bruce: "Soaked graham bread?"
Actually it's ambergris.
Dick: "You mean that stuff given forth by whales from which they make perfume?"
In so many words from Bruce: yes. (While Craig does her best not to corpse on camera at his delivery.)

Suddenly two goons appear for the "whale grease" under the auspices of Louie the Lilac, who is seen standing in a doorway. Cut to the goons saying more lines. Cut to Louie who is all of a sudden standing in a purple backdrop. The villains use this slipshod editing to kidnap Bruce and Dick. 

Cut to Gordon calling Alfred in the Batcave to inform him on the kidnapping. Unfortunately "Batman is out of the city for a day or so" with Robin unable to be reached.
Alfredd: "I'm sorry if I appear a trifle upset, sir but any citizen of Gotham City would be shocked at such appalling news."
Unfortunately we don't see Gordon's reaction, which is certain to be him on his Office floor crying and shrieking and pissing himself in terror. 

Louie's big black warelair is the Lilac Perfume Company with some big vats emanating pink smoke. (:10) Also in attendance is his lady named Lotus, who is to help him corner the perfume market of the city. "And the lilac soap market, Louie."
Louie: "The soap market too."
Lotus: "And the lilac cosmetics market."
Louie: "Cosmetics too. What do you need, baby?"
Lotus: "Well, I need scent pouches of a number of Abyssinian civet cats. The glands of as many muskrats as possible. And a large supply of beaver castor follicles. And the tonquin from a herd of muskdeer."
I don't know, these exotic ingredients sound more like she wants to corner the market of an MMO or two. Is Aunt Hilda not already out of prison/the monastery?
Louie orders his goons to get and get them and put them in the basement, despite their complaints that they have no idea what anyone is talking about. 

Meanwhile Bruce, the man who would actually know what anyone is talking about, is tied up on the floor with his youthful ward.
Louie: "I hear you're an international sportsman and an authority on animals."
He demands he helps his goons with tracking the animals down.

[Checks earpiece]

I'm sorry, I'm being told he just wants him to remove scent pouches, rather than just have his highly intelligent men do that. I'm sure they too are international sportsmen and authority on animals (even if unlike Bruce they don't have any official titles).

Dick (whispering): "I'm trying to reach Alfred on my two-way transistor wristwatch. I seem to be  getting a slight beep from the receiver, but the sender's dead."
Louie (showcasing above average hearing than most on the show): "What are you two mumbling about?"
Bruce: "Just passing the time of day, Louie."
Louie: "Let's hope the authorities pass over the million dollars I'm planning to ask for you shortly."
Bruce: "That's a high price for two average people."

Having managed to escape the scene, Barbara is once more in Gordon's Office. Her green dress is delightful enough for the man playing her father to feel quite a handful on her.
Of course the police have no idea where the Duo are. Instead they found "some filmed coverage of their most outstanding exploits" to play on their film projector. "Maybe we can find out some new crime-fighting techniques from it."

 

So yes, this is an excuse to pad the episode out with two minutes of clips. 

 

Vince: "Theoretically, who was shooting that stuff?"
RD: "Exactly. "Here's Robin getting eaten by a clam. I'm just gonna film this while that happens. "Help I'm dying! Can anyone help me?" No, I gotta get this on the film!""

There's also Shame almost trampling them in a stampede, Mr. Freeze trying to make wild Frosty Freezies, and the Batmobile just...driving down an exploding minefield road (supposedly after King Tut, but it's actually an early Catwoman story.)

RD: "I've said a lot of bad things about this episode. I will continue to say bad things about this episode. The fact that they added in this other footage, this highlight reel, if they would've just done that for the whole 25 minutes, it would've been ten times better."

Bonnie calls to patch through one Mr. Buck, the director of the Gotham City Zoo, to tell him someone's stolen all the animals in Louie's quest log.

At Stately Wayne Manor, Alfred tells the gathered reporters he has no word on the Duo. "Mrs. Cooper is upstairs in a state of shock and I appeal to you to respect what is left of our privacy."
Somehow Barbara managed to get there during the two minute clip segment. (Although if I had someone around giving a bad touch I'd probably have been gone far earlier.) She just lets herself in through the departing reporters into the study on the excuse that all the phones are busy. 

Alfred tries to cover the ringing Batphone with a cloth despite her easily hearing it (and even seeing it a couple of times).
Alfred: "The, uh, friendly ghosts of stately Wayne Manor play occasional tricks on one's ears."
She then reaches towards the Shakespeare bust.
Alfred: "NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT! I'm sorry, Ms. Gordon, but it's a prized possession of my missing employer, and, uh, in the distressing circumstances, I..."
Barbara: "Of course, Alfred. I understand. And those distressing circumstances are what I came out  here to talk to you about. For reasons too numerous to mention, I strongly suspect Louie, the Lilac has kidnapped Mr. Wayne and his youthful ward."
Alfred: "Louie the Lilac? Did you tell your father?"
Barbara: "No. My father wouldn't take me seriously. After all, he knows nothing of my other identity. Maybe Batgirl alone can do something."
For some reason Craig looked rather exhausted and worn-down. RD wonders if they had to fire the makeup lady for their budget. 

Narrator: "With Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped and held hostage in the defunct fragrance  factory, while Louie, the Lilac and lovely Lotus plot to pillage and plunder the world of perfume, give  us a moment to untangle this trickily-tangled skein." (:21)

We get a shot in the lair to remind us that tied up Bruce and Dick have done nothing for half of the episode.

Cut to Barbara's Apartment, and Alfred is finishing his call where he somehow found out where the lair was. She goes to change in her room, only to find a maintenance man (named Gus).
Gus: "The people downstairs were complaining about the grinding noise up here. Did you know that this wall revolves? Apparently, it was built to do just that for a previous tenant."
Barbara: "I use it for extra storage space. Would you like to see it?"
Gus: "Sure. I'm a sucker for secret closets."
She hits the button for "Secret Batgirl Room, Instant Transformer" to show a regular closet.
Gus: "Well, I'm very sorry I surprised you, lady."
Barbara: "Well, it's not very wise of you. I keep several guns here. And an innocent maintenance man makes a pretty good target sometimes." (Emphasis mine)

They're the good guys!

Gus takes his hurried leave, giving Barbara the space to hit the "Secret Batgirl Room, Re-Transformer" now that this other piece of episode padding is done.

(To be fair, this was all also an excuse for an appearance by the actor Percy Helton, who was a very well known actor, especially in the 50s. This would all have been written with him in mind, regardless of its fit. In my opinion he would have worked far better as a villain of the week, but alas it was not meant to be here.)

Narrator: "So once again, Barbara Gordon begins her tantalizing transformation. And shortly emerges  from her secret exit as Batgirl. Even as the Batmobile arrives in Gotham City during a passing shower, without a driver, which Alfred is explaining to his abducted employer."

Alfred is remote Bat-Controlling the vehicle, informing Bruce on his secret wristwatch. Meanwhile Louie has suddenly lost his above average hearing. Vince: "He's just very not interested in anything."
Meanwhile Lotus is making perfumes in the prop cauldron, the smells annoying the nearby goons.

Mrs. Deal thought Bruce's suit with an ascot made him look like Scooby-Doo's Fred.

All of a sudden Batmobile, Batgirl, and police all converge by the lair. O'Hara even brought his peashooter of a pistol, compared to another officer who has a giant assault rifle. Gordon demands Louie comes out over his bullhorn.
Louie: "I have my own bullhorn right here in my lilac boutonniere. One move to interrupt what I have
planned will result in the demise of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson."

During the stalemate Batgirl suddenly vanishes in the middle of talking face to face with the police. RD: "Did I mention the editing of this show was awful?"
This is because she tries to break in all alone by herself with her smiling kicks.
She is overpowered within five seconds. 

Louie decides to put her in the hot oil vats for flower maceration to make her Cologne de Batgirl. Thankfully the prop, a glass case, is not too bad looking.
Before Louie can test the prop's effective further with whatever would be considered 'hot oil', Bruce says he will help with the "newly-perfected animal surgery" if it will ensure her safety. He asks for two glasses of warm water for the efforts. Louie decides to oblige his request.

Louie: "Batgirl dies anyway."
Lotus: "I was hoping you'd say that."
RD: "This woman is super duper evil and I love it."
Vince: "She might've been better to have been the villain that Louis."
RD: "Oh, she would've been a million times better."

Of course the goons just leave Bruce and Dick completely alone in a clearly empty room.
Dick: "Gosh, Bruce. Those muskrats and musk deer are sure musky."
Bruce has his newest invention: "Instant unfolding Bat-costumes complete with utility belts" that inflate in warm water.
Dick: "They're opening up. Like those paper Chinese flowers do when they're dropped in water."
And what a stunning visual effect! In one frame, a small piece of paper. Cut to the next frame and: presto! Batman and Robin fully outfitted! It's like magic!

Breaking out of their room with "Bathooks and laser but cutter" (offscreen of course), they make their way to the police out front.
Batman: "If you can loan us your shoulders, we'll break in the front way."

So they breach inside while Barbara observes while recovering from Louis' stunning invisible spray from earlier (or perhaps she's just bored, judging from her previous appearance in Stately Wayne Manor).
Seconds later in the fight she's suddenly swinging on a lamp without any in-between transition. She does have a slide whistle sound effect though.
Some lilac seed is spilled during the conflict, causing slippage: but only for the villains. 

During all this Louie does his own bored observing. Perhaps he accidentally hit himself with his stunning spray.

RD: "God bless Milton Berle, and props to him for getting this. I don't know what on earth they paid this man to do these three episodes, but whatever it was, was a million times more than the effort he put into this."

Batman: "Tell me something, Batgirl. How did you get out of that vat?"
Batgirl: "With my Batgirl vat opener."

Well at least there was a line in the script. 

The enemies subdued, the Duo go down to "get" Bruce and Dick and Batgirl vanishes. 

Louie continues to just sit there bored observing. He vaguely threatens a return which thankfully does not happen.

RD: "On this show called Batman, Batman and Robin do not show up until 20 minutes in. They are in for less than three minutes. That's got to be a record that you don't want."

Surprisingly Barbara is not back again at the Office, though Bruce and Dick are.
O'Hara: "Well, another canny, colorful crook is in the clink."
Gordon: "And a tuckered-out police commissioner is gonna breathe much easier on his West Cape cruise. I think I've earned myself a little vacation, Bruce. And the department's in good hands with  Chief O'Hara at the helm."
RD: "There are so many lies crammed into that one line of dialogue." 
Bruce: "It's just that Gotham City is planning a civic luncheon in your honor next week. It was supposed to be a surprise."
Gordon: "I'll certainly try to act surprised at this, uh, surprise luncheon."

Narrator: "Commissioner Gordon won't have to act surprised at the affair in his honor. He's going to  get the surprise of his life from that dauntless champion of women's rights, Ms. Nora Clavicle."
Nora: "He certainly is. Especially when he discovers he's EX-Police Commissioner Gordon!" 

Vince found Lotus gets "ho-hum" 6 Batpoles (and guesses 34 years). RD gives her 7.5, mostly due to her great evilness. 33 year old Nobu McCarthy, daughter of the then Japanese ambassador to Canada, and once Miss Tokyo, was most prolific on screen in the 60s to 80s. She was more well known as one of the influential East West Players, and was their artistic director for four years.

Next episode is considered to be the worst in the series, although compared to some of the earlier stuff the Bros have their doubts. We shall see.

RD enjoyed writing about Goldberg and Sid Vicious having a very wacky feud. 

 

• Special Guest Villain: Louie the Lilac [2] (Milton Berle) [2]

 

• Window Celebrity: 1. Percy Helton

Episode 115: Holy Ace Attorney!: November 6, 2023

The Joke's on Catwoman
January 4, 1968
"Following a tip from Batgirl, the Dynamic Trio meet up at the Grimalkin Novelty Company, hideout of the Joker and Catwoman. There, they overhear the arch-criminals' plot and secretly trail them to a stash of hidden gunpowder. A careless mistake spoils the villains' evil plan, however, and they are captured and brought before the Gotham City judge. But when the jury seems less than interested in justice, courtroom mayhem ensues."
45 minutes

RD Is In Kitt's Corner. Is that the follow-up podcast to The Joker's Mustache? He wears his Catwoman shirt for her final show appearance.

Vince is old enough to remember The Ring magazine, now in digital form. He does not like extreme combat sports where people could get extremely injured. He does not ever want to see Sid Vicious' broken leg. RD was actually there to see it in person. Vince actually spoke for Sid in his ensuing lawsuit. Both prefer him now as a current happy grandfather on social media. 

Narrator: "What's this? An ambush outside the home of millionaire Karnaby Katz? Where Catwoman, the Joker, and their evil cohorts lie wickedly in wait for Batgirl and the Caped Crusaders." (:05)

Leaving their last cliffhanger of...arriving too late to a crime scene, the Dynamic Duo just...drive off without any hindrance. Apparently doing the gentlemanly thing of waiting for Batgirl to also leave is not in their agenda, because she finds her Batcycle's spark plug has been taken by Catwoman. The villains quickly tie her up and leave her on the ground. 

Catwoman (to Joker): "Those Cat's Whiskers, a fiendish invention of mine, they automatically contract  when placed in close contact with the heat of the body. So in seconds, Batgirl will be strangled to death, thereby ridding Gotham City of one-third of the Terrific Trio. You see, when I do a job, I do it right."
RD was easily amused by Kitt's rolling delivery as "she's giving herself a paw."

Now why wasn't this the cliffhanger?

After the titles, Batgirl sees a sprinkler control with two big buttons, which she manages to reach over to and turn on with her nose. This cools the rope, causing it to loosen and slacken, but more importantly gives the rather impressionable audience the visual of Yvonne Craig in a wet t-shirt (while her theme plays on a theremin). 

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman declines Alfred's offer of a snack. "You know I never mix crime-fighting with eating." Robin still reaches for one anyway.
Gordon calls on the Batphone: "Batgirl just called me, Batman. She wants you to meet her at the  intersection of Cattail Lane and Ninelives Alley. That's behind the novelty manufacturing center of Gotham City."
Batman: "The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner."
Robin: "Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?"
Batman: "An obscure, but nevertheless acceptable, synonym for "cat," Robin."

At the big black warehouse novelty company, the villains consult a map of Phony Island (to the south of the city) which was on the stolen nightshirt. The crib has the starting location in backwards French, which Catwoman has to read to a knowledgable Joker as they technobabble the destination.
Joker: "Ooh. That's the first time I ever heard a cat purr in French."
Catwoman: "Skip the flattery, Joker."

The Trio are already laying in wait watching the villains leave their lair.
Robin: "How about rushing the place, Batman?"
Batman: "I think not, Robin. All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me and  Batgirl. No, I think they plan something really big."
For some reason Batman asks Batgirl to sit with them in the Batmobile. Normally it's supposed to be quicker that way. But of course, the way he has such the look as she thinks it will be "cozy" speaks for itself.

RD as Batman: "Why don't you sit on the Batlap and let's talk about the first thing that pops up?"

The villains arrive at the big black warehouse Phony Island lighthouse where they look for the buried gunpowder. They are joined by the inhabitants, named Mr. and Mrs. Keeper, and their antics confused RD to no end, particularly the Mrs' desire to vacuum the upstairs bedroom. Vince kept seeing makeup on Mrs. Keeper's turtleneck in high definition. He actually knew who they were based on some of their work of the time (Louis Quinn and Christine Nelson, also a couple in real life).

The Trio finally appear as Joker complains they were supposed to be "kaput, finis, defunct." This would have originally been referencing the cliffhanger when it was supposed to be an actual cliffhanger of a deadly trap like of old, instead of what we got with them walking into a room.
Batman: "We're very much not defunct, Joker. Neither is Batgirl."
Catwoman: "This is some sort of perfidious trick. I'll bet it's done with mirrors."
Batman: "The mirror is broken, Catwoman. The last cat has crossed our path. From now on, all the luck is with us."

Joker accidentally hits another button, which just so happens to open a secret room revealing all the gunpowder. So he goes to inspect it.

By lighting a match. 

Batman: "Put that match out, you fool! It's going to explode!"

For once Joker listens to his archenemy.

By throwing the match inside. 

(Also the match is clearly shown to have been blown out after he throws it.) 

So the obvious happens. There is an explosion and everyone is unscathed.
Robin: "Holy return from oblivion! We're still alive!"
Batman: "Yes, Robin. Still alive. In the split second before the actual detonation of the gunpowder I was able to infuse this one room with Anti-Blast Batpowder."
Mrs. Keeper: "But what about the upstairs bedroom? I just vacuumed it."
Batman: "The city will make it up to you. They'll take the cost of your home out of Catwoman and  Joker's prison pay for making license plates."

Catwoman requests to make her one phone call to "Lucky Pierre, the world's greatest and luckiest criminal attorney. He's never lost a case." Batman gives her a dime for it.

Thankfully for her Pierre is his big black warehouse office to receive the call (as Louie the Lilac's theme plays). "Now, be still and don't utter a meow. I'll see you in court. And if all goes well, knock on  wood, I'll have you sprung before pussy-willow time."

As colorful as it may be, it is not as colorful as the actual actor. Well, 'actor' since he went uncredited. And he wasn't even an actor at all. Pierre Salinger was a journalist (initially known as Lucky Pierre), press secretary for Kennedy and Johnson, senator for California (for all of three months), and inadvertent conspiracy theorist about believing everything on the Internet (concerning TWA800).

Also he has a sight gag photo of his desk of Nixon.

One only knows how he would be a good fit for such an extended cameo, but needless to say he wouldn't be the first of his ilk in such a role. I guess even now not much has changed in that aspect.

So we immediately go to the big black courthouse (:24) as Pierre informs his clients that District Attorney Harvey Dent is taking his turn to choose the jury.

[Checks earpiece]

I'm sorry, I'm being told that Dent didn't actually appear in the Silver Age at all. That would be in the Bronze Age three years later. So he's not appearing here either.

So instead the attorney is...any guesses?

Yes, it is of course Batman "because of his familiarity with the case", despite his officer deputizing not covering prosecution in a court of law. Perhaps he put in a good word to millionaire Bruce Wayne, chairman of the Gotham City District Attorney's Office.

RD: "I have only been to court once, and it was because I was there for jury duty. Gotham City sounds like it has the worst judicial system ever. OK, Batman caught these alleged supposed crooks. Now he's going to be the DA or whatever for this? And then he also gets to choose the jury? What kind of kangaroo court is this?"

The totally unbiased and partial jury arrive with Batman, and West takes the opportunity to rehash the time he guest starred on Perry Mason with some extreme overacting.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. (He pauses, suddenly seeing that he did not choose any women for his jury.) Uh, gentlemen of the jury, we are gathered here today to prove that Catwoman, Joker, and  their men, are guilty of several major offenses. To wit: robbery, attempted murder, assault and battery,  mayhem, and overtime parking."

He calls Little Louie Groovy to the stand (full name Little Louie Groovy) to state that he was robbed "on the night of July 22nd of this year" by "those cats over there, the chick with the swinging outfit, the  creep with the green hair, and those four clowns."
Batman: "For the record, witness is pointing to the defendants."
Batgirl: "He's so authoritative. So confident."
Robin: "The more you work with Batman, the more amazing he seems."

Despite this...descriptive statement, Pierre doesn't ask for a cross-examination. In fact he doesn't do any for each witness, as we fade to the last of them of the Keepers, somehow both being questioned together in tandem.
Batman: "And that's your statement, Mr. Keeper."
Mrs. Keeper: "That's his statement, not mine. I had just vacuumed the upstairs bedroom. And now  there's no bedroom upstairs anymore."
There is no cross-examination here either, save just to keep this random joke thread going to pad out the runtime. Both Batman and Joker wonder what his game as he sits holding a (lucky) wishbone.

Batman: "Gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the evidence of 14 separate witnesses including Robin the Boy Wonder, and Batgirl. Each one of them corroborating the other's story that those defendants are guilty of all the crimes with which they are charged. In the interests of law, order, justice, good fellowship, and the flag, [emphasis mine] you must convict them to keep our streets safe from evil persons. Thank you."

Of course Robin is standing up and cheering for this 'immense' effort. Batman has to tell him to sit down. He says this mind you; the judge, who normally should be the one to say so, just sits there with a rather ridiculous puff of white hair that makes him look more villain than law person.

The totally not villainous judge calls on Pierre to give his closing argument...which he doesn't. So he orders the jury to go and deliberate.
Foreman: "No need for that, Your Honor. We have already made up our minds. ... We find the defendants, Catwoman, Joker, Giggler, Laughter, Smiley and Gus...not guilty of any of the charges."
Then the jury all laughs.
Catwoman: "There's something very cat-fishy about this whole thing, Batman."
Batman: "Every man is entitled to his day in court. We must abide by the jury's decision."
Judge: "Normally, after any case, I never make any statement to the jury. However, today I cannot resist. Never in my thirty years on the Gotham City bench have I seen a more callous disregard for the facts in a case. You are all to be chastised for making a travesty out of the judicial process."
Foreman: "Aw, stow it, Judge!"

He shouts this with such furor that his mustache drops, revealing that he is in fact someone named "Marvin the Moose" who had worked with Catwoman before, sitting next to a "Dave the Dummy" who had also worked with Catwoman before.
Batman: "Your Honor, I move for a new trial."
Judge: "On which of several grounds?"
Batman: "On the grounds of a prejudicial jury."
Catwoman: "You don't know how prejudicial, Batman!"
Why, it's almost as if Batman didn't do full due diligence when choosing his totally nonpartisan jury!

Marvin then pulls out a gun, leading up to our episode's fight. Thankfully this is a good one, once again featuring Joker's stunt double. RD will be sad to miss him after the show's end. Batgirl's smiling kicks on top of a table almost cause it to fall down. Catwoman swings on a chandelier, which every courtroom has. The judge provides his assistance by hitting Joker on the head with his gavel. 

Batman: "Will you never learn that you cannot outwit the law?"
Catwoman: "Maybe one day I will, Batman, perhaps."
Batman: "You'll never succeed in circumventing justice, Catwoman."
Robin: "Not as long as honest and dedicated law enforcers have a breath left."
Joker: "Oh, forget the morals! Just get us back to jail, so we don't have to listen to these corny jokes!"
Batman (to the camera): "But morals are the stuff men are made of. And until criminals learn that, our  job will not be done. However, if and when they do, we'll be only too ready to hang up our capes and  cowls."

At Gordon's Office, Robin remarks on the characters they met.
Batman: "Don't forget Lucky Pierre. If he hadn't gone so wrong, he might have had to find career in  politics. Won a gubernatorial race, or the White House even."
Hopefully the tenure would be longer than three months.
Gordon decides to call Barbara at the Library to check up on her.

Unfortunately once again a criminal is visiting the Library, in this case Louie the Lilac.
Barbara: "What are you doing with that boutonniere? I remember the time you stunned my friend  Princess Primrose with an invisible knockout spray."
Louie: "This is not an invisible knockout spray, Miss Gordon. It is essence of lilacs. A scent which I  intend to corner the perfume market of Gotham City. I thought that the police commissioner's daughter should be my first recipient."

So of course he immediately leaves.

RD: "Looks like he will be just as uninteresting as the last time."

Narrator: "Louie the Lilac is in indeed back in Gotham City and planning much more than just  cornering the perfume market...as you'll see in our next episode!"

Eartha Kitt gets an immediate increase to her rating because she was still looking and acting stellar at the age of 40. Despite the Bros usually judging on appearances, they also note on when characterizations work, like hers. For this RD gives her 7.5 Batpoles, Vince gives 8. RD wishes Kitt was playing another character instead to make all her own rather than just succeed Julie Newmar, which would have made her appearance much greater and better known. Still, they admired her work. 

Unfortunately for Kitt, two weeks after this episode aired (ironically on an episode parodying the womens' movement) she was at a White House luncheon with Lady Bird Johnson where she made quite a few remarks, including on civil rights and against the Vietnam War including Lady Bird Johnson. For this she was blacklisted in America for a decade (until Carter personally invited her back). She did quite a lot of voice acting in her later years, most notably Yzma in The Emperor's New Groove.

RD hates Santa Baby. Vince has to think on his worst before the season rolls around. 

Santa is training to beat all the children at the Arcade on December 16th. 

RD has to think on what to write about for Christmas.

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [10] (Cesar Romero) [10]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Catwoman [9] (Eartha Kitt) [2]

 

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. We was too late.
• Window Celebrity: 1. Pierre Salinger