The Ogg and I
November 2, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks, team up to kidnap
Commissioner Gordon. In exchange for his safety, they demand a ten cent
tax for every egg eaten in Gotham City. Batman and Robin suspect that
Olga may also be after the giant Samovar of Genghis Khan and use it to
find a way into her hideout; however, it turns out that the Duo have
been expected. While Olga targets Batman as her future husband, her cook
prepares a wedding borscht which will contain Commissioner Gordon and
Robin."
60 minutes
RD is Not Marrying Olga. I'm sure the current Mrs. Deal is relieved. Vince is sure McMahon copied Egghead's mustache. He tasks RD to make sure he doesn't do anything like that when he gets older.
There was a total solar eclipse. The next one will be on April 8th and cover all of North America.
Narrator: "Gotham City on a fresh new day, which may be fraught with fresh new danger."
The scene follows from the previous week with a 6'4" Vincent Price as Egghead tries to ride a very small donkey to police HQ. This cues typical overreaction from the townsfolk.
In Gordon's Office, he is annoyed his 6 AM roast beef sandwich isn't here yet. A man needs to eat while doing nothing at all! Egghead finally makes it inside to give him an egg sandwich instead. Gordon doesn't notice at first, almost giving him a small tip. When he does notice, Egghead stops him from immediately calling on the red Batphone with an egg gun.
His fellow villain for the day, the previously seen Olga, sits in a hot air balloon suddenly situated near the building despite being earlier seen on a horse. (Eastern European accented:) "You are taking short elevator ride with us!"
Gordon: "You two will never get away with this."
Egghead: "Oh, really, commissioner, I wish someone would write you a new line. That one is getting so tired."
Vince does not like hot air balloons. RD also doesn't since he does not like the sensation of slowly ascending.
Only after the balloon leaves does O'Hara finally make it inside the Office. This despite Egg being left unimpeded to go from the ground floor all the way to the top. Or the other officers who should have been posted nearby for such a contingency. Or the hot air balloon that was nearby.
After standing around looking like a buffoon does he find a ransom note.
O'Hara: "Kidnapped? The Commissioner's been kidnapped?"
Immediately after that obvious exclamation Batgirl appears, on a "hunch" that something would happen. "Kidnapped? My fa... Commissioner Gordon kidnapped?"
O'Hara: "I was about to call his daughter Barbara. But she'd likely worry herself to death."
As compared to all the other times he would be in danger as an active police officer in a crime-ridden city.
RD: "What if he was dead? Are you not gonna call her?"
Immediately after that the Duo appears.
O'Hara: "Our fine police commissioner's been abducted, Batman. Out of this very room. Whoever could have done such a dastardly deed?"
Batman: "Very likely our arch-foe, that eggs-crable Egghead. And his conniving consort, Olga, queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks. (A reference to the actual region of Bessarabia within Moldova.) Rumor has already reached our ear that those two evildoers have joined forces, and in this town. That's why we're here. And it's not surprising that they'd start in this office and with Commissioner Gordon. What other public personage could demand more respect or be held for a bigger ransom?"
Robin: "Gosh, yes. Egghead knows he can ask for the moon and get it."
Batman also knows that he will make a call immediately...somehow.
In the lair, Gordon is subjected to the worst thing of all - celebrating Cossack goons dancing the Mamushka! (:19) Eggy asks Olga to keep the noise down since he's trying to make a call here, and he would be way too tall to join in on the squat dancing.
Batman (answering): "Commissioner Gordon's office."
Egghead: "Oh my my, how your voice has changed, Commissioner."
Batman: "Never mind the bad jokes."
For an "eggs-change" Eggy demands an "egg-cise tax: one thin dime for every egg eaten in Gotham City."
Batman: "There's no way to keep track of them."
Egghead: "Oh, yes, there is, Batman. The entire Gotham City police force will be mobilized as egg counters and tax collectors. They will make it their business to count every egg that is consumed within the city limits and to collect my egg tax on each one. Otherwise, we'll mail the commissioner back to you in a box. A pine box!"
Batman has no choice but to accept.
Robin: "Holy eggshells. In a few days, that would add up to millions. Couldn't we ask the people of Gotham City to stop eating eggs?"
Batgirl: "Wait a minute, Robin. If egg consumption in Gotham City were to suddenly decline, Egghead might take revenge by harming Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Great, let's hope they kill him."
Vince: "That's not what he said."
RD added that line to make sure if Vince was paying attention and not being distracted by eggs. He wasn't.
He was instead being distracted by AEW's contested ticket sales.
To be fair he does tie this to government assistance helping to make accurate counts, so it would be feasible for O'Hara to help with counting eggs. He would do it far better than his regular day job.
Also he has RD to help keep his mind focused on positivity even in wresting. It's how the two became friends after all! (:22 - 29)
But yes, O'Hara is to handle the egg tax while the actual heroes figure out what to do, although they would have to do it separately.
O'Hara starts his task by going to a diner run by Alan Hale Jr. as the proprietor named Gilligan.
O'Hara: "A large milk and a hot pastrami."
Egghead (suddenly appearing): "Never mind the pastrami! Chief O'Hara would like half a dozen eggs! No, make it a dozen scrambled eggs!"
Unfortunately Hale would have to wait a few years to have another appearance with Egghead, as it were. At least it is certain that O'Hara would take longer than a three hour tour to have his lunch.
Meanwhile someone doing actual work is Alfred, once again meeting with Barbara in her apartment. RD wonders if he bought his own apartment there.
Alfred: "You have some plan to locate your father?"
Barbara: "Well, it's only a remote possibility, but at least it's better than nothing. My father uses a very rare brand of aftershave lotion called Wellington Number Four. It's imported from Sumatra."
Alfred: "I know the brand. A former employer of mine, the Earl of Chutney, used to use it. If I remember correctly, its ingredients contain a small amount of curry root which gives it a very pungent aroma, quite unlike any other aftershave lotion."
Barbara: "Yes, the aroma is unmistakable."
However, she can't ask the Duo's help in sniffing around town for it, since it might reveal her secret identity. It's not as if she could have just said Barbara told her about this or something.
The Duo meanwhile are at the Bessarovian embassy, though its ambassador has no idea on where Olga might be. "She'd hardly communicate with the embassy since the Cossacks have been at war with the legitimate government of Bessarovia for many centuries."
Vince: "With the names of these places it was starting to sound like a Marx Brothers movie."
Batman thinks Olga is going to make a move on the Samovar of Rufus T. Firefly Genghis Khan. "It's a symbol of power, Robin. Like the Stone of Scone to the Scots. Traditionally, anyone who possesses the brass samovar of Genghis Khan is the legitimate ruler of Bessarovia."
It's been brought out of Bessarovia for safekeeping in the embassy, perhaps replying on the protective prowess of Batman more than anything. The Dark Knight begins to formulate a plan.
Narrator: "As night falls, the Bessarovian Embassy has other visitors."
It is Olga, taking the opportunity to overact as she tells her Cossacks to claim her prize. "Be careful you don't scratch my beautiful samovar or I will slice you to shredkis!"
The exit is helpfully samovar shaped.
After the commercial break,
Narrator: "The Cossacks and Olga take the samovar back to their hideout where it joins other collectors' items." (:40)
At least this time the black warehouse set has more decorations.
Of course the Duo were hiding in the samovar all this time, which is placed next to Gordon tied up in a bird cage.
Robin: "There's the Commissioner, Batman."
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Batman: "I think he's trying to tell us something, Robin."
This distraction allows Olga and goons to rush in in order to gas them.
Olga: "Welcome, malen'kiy Batushka. Put the little mal'chik in cage with old commissioner! And drag handsome to throne!"
Egghead: "Olga, you eggs-quisite diabolical genius. How did you do it?"
Olga: "By underhand trick, what else?"
Batman promptly awakens on a bearskin rug, which he reacts to in ridiculous proportions.
Olga: "No troubles, Batushka, or we are making shashlik out of little mal'chik and old commissioner!"
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Robin: "...Yeah."
RD is reminded of his time working with Kamala Jr.
The ambassador enters and - shocker! - he's working with Olga.
Batman: "So you gave us away as a traitor to your country."
Ambassador: "Who is traitor? I am Bessarovian Cossack from little boy."
Olga: "Is true. Omar is famous magnificent Bessarovian chef."
Omar (putting on a huge chef's hat): "Thank you, Highness. And now I am making greatest Bessarovian borscht of my career! With special ingredients!"
Egghead: "No, I object. I'd like to kill them now. They're too tricky to play around with. Believe me, I know them. Now that we've got them, let's eggs-terminate them."
Olga: "Who is "we"? I caught them. Besides, I may decide not to cook malen'kiy Batushka."
Egghead (very pickled): "Don't tell me that you're falling for this cowled clown?"
Olga: "Maybe. Maybe not. We are seeing."
Egghead: "But you are engaged to me! How dare you two-time me? And especially with this caped creep!"
Olga: "How dare you tell me what to do? Me, Olga, queen of Bessarovian Cossacks."
Egghead: "Olga Shmolga! You'd still be washing dishes in that run-down Bessarovian restaurant if it wasn't for me!"
Olga: "Be careful. Old Cossack proverb: "Open mouth is leading quickly to open grave.""
Egghead: "And don't give me any of your Cossack proverbs either. I say kill him now!"
So a Cossack hits him on the back of the head, knocking him out.
Olga: "So much for big-mouth. Now we can have malen'kiy talk, eh, Batushka? You find me attractive little, huh?"
Batman: "I'd find you much more attractive if you were on the right side of the law, Olga. This kind of life can only lead to trouble."
Olga: "Is better making love than sermons, Batushka. Otherwise you are going into pot with others. A little kiss maybe?"
Batman: "A little kiss not maybe."
She kisses him anyway as Robin and Gordon fall into Aunt Hilda's cauldron to start stewing.
Batman: "Well, you are no longer in Bessarovia, Olga. In this country, the standards are different. You should abide by our customs, not yours."
Olga: "On contrary, I am considering this place malen'kiy piece of Bessarovia. Here, we are following my customs. And my customs are requiring wedding borscht made from captured prisoners."
Batman: "Wedding borscht?"
Olga: "Of course, Batushka."
Batman: "But I thought you were engaged to marry Egghead."
Olga: "I am marrying both of you. Cossack queen is permitted up to six husbands. Oh, but do not worry, Batushka. You will always be number one in my heart."
Thankfully before Batman can suffer the indignity of being...in a poly relationship, the horror, Alfred stops just outside the black set warehouse, having somehow tracked the perfume scent like a bloodhound. He notifies Batgirl on one of her walkie-talkies, and she quickly closes in.
She tells him to stay outside while she goes in, managing to enter just as Olga is about to gain two husbands. (Eggy: "It's worth playing second fiddle just to see Batman married.")
Cue the fight, where she joins in the squat kicks of the Cossacks while Batman handles a saber. Robin worries they are outnumbered. Gordon mumbles.
Suddenly Alfred enters, once more with his Marquis of Queensbury Rules boxing to knock down the wayward chef.
Gordon: "Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler. What are you...?"
Alfred: "No time to explain now, Commissioner."
Olga: "Help me, Eggski! You must do something! My Cossacks are falling like vodka bottles!"
Egghead: "So you admit you need my help, eh, Olga? I've been saving this little surprise
for just such an eggs-igency. These hens have been fed a straight diet of onions for the past six months."
Robin has his own saber while Batgirl has her own smile as she spins around. Eggy and Olga use the opportunity to throw their onion eggs which makes them...cry uncontrollably. This is apparently enough to overpower trained crimefighters, allowing the villains to run gallop away.
Robin: "Holy crying towels, Batman."
Vince: "Bro, what if you just tuned in the last 30 seconds of this episode, what would you have thought happened?"
RD: "I would've thought I need to watch this episode every single time it's on."
The two know for sure Price loved doing this sort of stuff.
Batgirl: "At least you're safe, Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Yes, Batgirl, but is Gotham City safe? I'm afraid Gotham City won't be safe until those Cossacks are behind bars."
Narrator: "How right he is! Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead, Olga and the Cossacks on the loose! When and how will it end? Will it end? Maybe we'll get an inkling in our next episode!"
As expected this was very much a fun episode. They look forward to the next one.
Rupert's Arcade will have the Halloween decorations up very soon.
Samoa Joe in TNA had a questionable thing drawn on his face before he was kidnapped by ninjas while Yakety Sax played.
- Special Guest Villain: Egghead [2] (Vincent Price) [2]
- Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) [2]
- SPEAKING OFs: 1. Blonde
- RD Time Outs: 1 (Real Quick)
- Window Celebrity: 1. Alan Hale Jr.
