Episode 108: Holy Onions!: September 18, 2023

The Ogg and I
November 2, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks, team up to kidnap Commissioner Gordon. In exchange for his safety, they demand a ten cent tax for every egg eaten in Gotham City. Batman and Robin suspect that Olga may also be after the giant Samovar of Genghis Khan and use it to find a way into her hideout; however, it turns out that the Duo have been expected. While Olga targets Batman as her future husband, her cook prepares a wedding borscht which will contain Commissioner Gordon and Robin."
60 minutes

RD is Not Marrying Olga. I'm sure the current Mrs. Deal is relieved. Vince is sure McMahon copied Egghead's mustache. He tasks RD to make sure he doesn't do anything like that when he gets older. 

There was a total solar eclipse. The next one will be on April 8th and cover all of North America.

Narrator: "Gotham City on a fresh new day, which may be fraught with fresh new danger."

The scene follows from the previous week with a 6'4" Vincent Price as Egghead tries to ride a very small donkey to police HQ. This cues typical overreaction from the townsfolk. 

In Gordon's Office, he is annoyed his 6 AM roast beef sandwich isn't here yet. A man needs to eat while doing nothing at all! Egghead finally makes it inside to give him an egg sandwich instead. Gordon doesn't notice at first, almost giving him a small tip. When he does notice, Egghead stops him from immediately calling on the red Batphone with an egg gun.
His fellow villain for the day, the previously seen Olga, sits in a hot air balloon suddenly situated near the building despite being earlier seen on a horse. (Eastern European accented:) "You are taking short elevator ride with us!"
Gordon: "You two will never get away with this."
Egghead: "Oh, really, commissioner, I wish someone would write you a new line. That one is getting so tired."

Vince does not like hot air balloons. RD also doesn't since he does not like the sensation of slowly ascending. 

Only after the balloon leaves does O'Hara finally make it inside the Office. This despite Egg being left unimpeded to go from the ground floor all the way to the top. Or the other officers who should have been posted nearby for such a contingency. Or the hot air balloon that was nearby.
After standing around looking like a buffoon does he find a ransom note.
O'Hara: "Kidnapped? The Commissioner's been kidnapped?"

Immediately after that obvious exclamation Batgirl appears, on a "hunch" that something would happen. "Kidnapped? My fa... Commissioner Gordon kidnapped?"
O'Hara: "I was about to call his daughter Barbara. But she'd likely worry herself to death."
As compared to all the other times he would be in danger as an active police officer in a crime-ridden city.
RD: "What if he was dead? Are you not gonna call her?"

Immediately after that the Duo appears.
O'Hara: "Our fine police commissioner's been abducted, Batman. Out of this very room. Whoever could have done such a dastardly deed?"
Batman: "Very likely our arch-foe, that eggs-crable Egghead. And his conniving consort, Olga, queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks. (A reference to the actual region of Bessarabia within Moldova.) Rumor has already reached our ear that those two evildoers have joined forces, and in this town. That's why we're here. And it's not surprising that they'd start in this office and with Commissioner Gordon. What other public personage could demand more respect or be held for a bigger ransom?"
Robin: "Gosh, yes. Egghead knows he can ask for the moon and get it."
Batman also knows that he will make a call immediately...somehow.

In the lair, Gordon is subjected to the worst thing of all - celebrating Cossack goons dancing the Mamushka! (:19) Eggy asks Olga to keep the noise down since he's trying to make a call here, and he would be way too tall to join in on the squat dancing. 

Batman (answering): "Commissioner Gordon's office."
Egghead: "Oh my my, how your voice has changed, Commissioner."
Batman: "Never mind the bad jokes."
For an "eggs-change" Eggy demands an "egg-cise tax: one thin dime for every egg eaten in Gotham City."
Batman: "There's no way to keep track of them."
Egghead: "Oh, yes, there is, Batman. The entire Gotham City police force will be mobilized as egg counters and tax collectors. They will make it their business to count every egg that is consumed within the city limits and to collect my egg tax on each one. Otherwise, we'll mail the commissioner back to  you in a box. A pine box!"
Batman has no choice but to accept.
Robin: "Holy eggshells. In a few days, that would add up to millions. Couldn't we ask the people of Gotham City to stop eating eggs?"
Batgirl: "Wait a minute, Robin. If egg consumption in Gotham City were to suddenly decline, Egghead  might take revenge by harming Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Great, let's hope they kill him."
Vince: "That's not what he said."
RD added that line to make sure if Vince was paying attention and not being distracted by eggs. He wasn't. 

He was instead being distracted by AEW's contested ticket sales. 

To be fair he does tie this to government assistance helping to make accurate counts, so it would be feasible for O'Hara to help with counting eggs. He would do it far better than his regular day job. 

Also he has RD to help keep his mind focused on positivity even in wresting. It's how the two became friends after all! (:22 - 29)

But yes, O'Hara is to handle the egg tax while the actual heroes figure out what to do, although they would have to do it separately. 

O'Hara starts his task by going to a diner run by Alan Hale Jr. as the proprietor named Gilligan.
O'Hara: "A large milk and a hot pastrami."
Egghead (suddenly appearing): "Never mind the pastrami! Chief O'Hara would like half a dozen eggs! No, make it a dozen scrambled eggs!"
Unfortunately Hale would have to wait a few years to have another appearance with Egghead, as it were. At least it is certain that O'Hara would take longer than a three hour tour to have his lunch.

Meanwhile someone doing actual work is Alfred, once again meeting with Barbara in her apartment. RD wonders if he bought his own apartment there.
Alfred: "You have some plan to locate your father?"
Barbara: "Well, it's only a remote possibility, but at least it's better than nothing. My father uses a very  rare brand of aftershave lotion called Wellington Number Four. It's imported from Sumatra."
Alfred: "I know the brand. A former employer of mine, the Earl of Chutney, used to use it. If I  remember correctly, its ingredients contain a small amount of curry root which gives it a very pungent  aroma, quite unlike any other aftershave lotion."
Barbara: "Yes, the aroma is unmistakable."
However, she can't ask the Duo's help in sniffing around town for it, since it might reveal her secret identity. It's not as if she could have just said Barbara told her about this or something. 

The Duo meanwhile are at the Bessarovian embassy, though its ambassador has no idea on where Olga might be. "She'd hardly communicate with the embassy since the Cossacks have been at war with the legitimate government of Bessarovia for many centuries."
Vince: "With the names of these places it was starting to sound like a Marx Brothers movie."
Batman thinks Olga is going to make a move on the Samovar of Rufus T. Firefly Genghis Khan. "It's a symbol of power, Robin. Like the Stone of Scone to the Scots. Traditionally, anyone who possesses the brass samovar of Genghis Khan is the legitimate ruler of Bessarovia."
It's been brought out of Bessarovia for safekeeping in the embassy, perhaps replying on the protective prowess of Batman more than anything. The Dark Knight begins to formulate a plan. 

Narrator: "As night falls, the Bessarovian Embassy has other visitors."
It is Olga, taking the opportunity to overact as she tells her Cossacks to claim her prize. "Be careful you don't scratch my beautiful samovar or I will slice you to shredkis!"
The exit is helpfully samovar shaped.

After the commercial break,
Narrator: "The Cossacks and Olga take the samovar back to their hideout where it joins other collectors' items." (:40)
At least this time the black warehouse set has more decorations. 

Of course the Duo were hiding in the samovar all this time, which is placed next to Gordon tied up in a bird cage.
Robin: "There's the Commissioner, Batman."
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Batman: "I think he's trying to tell us something, Robin."
This distraction allows Olga and goons to rush in in order to gas them.
Olga: "Welcome, malen'kiy Batushka. Put the little mal'chik in cage with old commissioner! And drag  handsome to throne!"
Egghead: "Olga, you eggs-quisite diabolical genius. How did you do it?"
Olga: "By underhand trick, what else?"

Batman promptly awakens on a bearskin rug, which he reacts to in ridiculous proportions.
Olga: "No troubles, Batushka, or we are making shashlik out of little mal'chik and old commissioner!"
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Robin: "...Yeah."
RD is reminded of his time working with Kamala Jr. 

The ambassador enters and - shocker! - he's working with Olga.
Batman: "So you gave us away as a traitor to your country."
Ambassador: "Who is traitor? I am Bessarovian Cossack from little boy."
Olga: "Is true. Omar is famous magnificent Bessarovian chef."
Omar (putting on a huge chef's hat): "Thank you, Highness. And now I am making greatest Bessarovian borscht of my career! With special ingredients!"
Egghead: "No, I object. I'd like to kill them now. They're too tricky to play around with. Believe me, I know them. Now that we've got them, let's eggs-terminate them."
Olga: "Who is "we"? I caught them. Besides, I may decide not to cook malen'kiy Batushka."
Egghead (very pickled): "Don't tell me that you're falling for this cowled clown?"
Olga: "Maybe. Maybe not. We are seeing."
Egghead: "But you are engaged to me! How dare you two-time me? And especially with this caped creep!"
Olga: "How dare you tell me what to do? Me, Olga, queen of Bessarovian Cossacks."
Egghead: "Olga Shmolga! You'd still be washing dishes in that run-down Bessarovian restaurant if it  wasn't for me!"
Olga: "Be careful. Old Cossack proverb: "Open mouth is leading quickly to open grave.""
Egghead: "And don't give me any of your Cossack proverbs either. I say kill him now!"
So a Cossack hits him on the back of the head, knocking him out.

Olga: "So much for big-mouth. Now we can have malen'kiy talk, eh, Batushka? You find me attractive little, huh?"
Batman: "I'd find you much more attractive if you were on the right side of the law, Olga. This kind of life can only lead to trouble."
Olga: "Is better making love than sermons, Batushka. Otherwise you are going into pot with others. A little kiss maybe?"
Batman: "A little kiss not maybe."

She kisses him anyway as Robin and Gordon fall into Aunt Hilda's cauldron to start stewing. 
Batman: "Well, you are no longer in Bessarovia, Olga. In this country, the standards are different. You  should abide by our customs, not yours."
Olga: "On contrary, I am considering this place malen'kiy piece of Bessarovia. Here, we are following my customs. And my customs are requiring wedding borscht made from captured prisoners."
Batman: "Wedding borscht?"
Olga: "Of course, Batushka."
Batman: "But I thought you were engaged to marry Egghead."
Olga: "I am marrying both of you. Cossack queen is permitted up to six husbands. Oh, but do not  worry, Batushka. You will always be number one in my heart."

Thankfully before Batman can suffer the indignity of being...in a poly relationship, the horror, Alfred stops just outside the black set warehouse, having somehow tracked the perfume scent like a bloodhound. He notifies Batgirl on one of her walkie-talkies, and she quickly closes in.
She tells him to stay outside while she goes in, managing to enter just as Olga is about to gain two husbands. (Eggy: "It's worth playing second fiddle just to see Batman married.")
Cue the fight, where she joins in the squat kicks of the Cossacks while Batman handles a saber. Robin worries they are outnumbered. Gordon mumbles.

Suddenly Alfred enters, once more with his Marquis of Queensbury Rules boxing to knock down the wayward chef.
Gordon: "Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler. What are you...?"
Alfred: "No time to explain now, Commissioner."
Olga: "Help me, Eggski!  You must do something! My Cossacks are falling like vodka bottles!"
Egghead: "So you admit you need my help, eh, Olga? I've been saving this little surprise
for just such an eggs-igency. These hens have been fed a straight diet of onions for the past six months."

Robin has his own saber while Batgirl has her own smile as she spins around. Eggy and Olga use the opportunity to throw their onion eggs which makes them...cry uncontrollably. This is apparently enough to overpower trained crimefighters, allowing the villains to run gallop away. 
Robin: "Holy crying towels, Batman."
Vince: "Bro, what if you just tuned in the last 30 seconds of this episode, what would you have thought happened?"
RD: "I would've thought I need to watch this episode every single time it's on."
The two know for sure Price loved doing this sort of stuff.

Batgirl: "At least you're safe, Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Yes, Batgirl, but is Gotham City safe? I'm afraid Gotham City won't be safe until those Cossacks are behind bars."
Narrator: "How right he is! Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead, Olga and the Cossacks on the  loose! When and how will it end? Will it end? Maybe we'll get an inkling in our next episode!"

As expected this was very much a fun episode. They look forward to the next one.

Rupert's Arcade will have the Halloween decorations up very soon. 

Samoa Joe in TNA had a questionable thing drawn on his face before he was kidnapped by ninjas while Yakety Sax played. 

  • Special Guest Villain: Egghead [2] (Vincent Price) [2]
  • Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) [2]


  • SPEAKING OFs: 1. Blonde
  • RD Time Outs:  1 (Real Quick) 
  • Window Celebrity: 1. Alan Hale Jr.

Episode 107: Holy Specie!: September 11, 2023

Louie, the Lilac (don't forget the comma)
October 26, 1967
"Louie the Lilac has cornered the flower market in Gotham City, hoping to gain control over the entire "flower generation." He kidnaps the organizer of their planned flower-in, Princess Primrose, and brainwashes her with his Stupefying Aromatic Spray. Batman and Robin follow a clue to the villain's lair only to be captured by Louie and fed to his giant man-eating lilacs. With the Caped Crusaders out of the way, Louie heads back to the flower-in to continue his evil plan. Alfred, meanwhile, has been alerted to Batman and Robin's situation, and goes looking for Batgirl to aid in the fight."
66 minutes

RD: Wants to Watch N by NW. Vince has not seen it. 

Narrator: "Another brisk bright day blossoms in Gotham City. But is day the only thing that's blooming, or isn't blooming?"

In the Office, the Undynamic Duo express concern that someone has bought all the town's flowers (specifically lilacs) just before "the flower children in Gotham City are ready for their fancy flower-in" in the park.
O'Hara: "There's gonna be trouble at that flower-in with no flowers, begorra."

Hard cat to Louie (the Lilac) in a 20's style suit smoking a cigar in his lair: "Plenty of trouble." This is part of his plan to control the country's future leaders of the flower generation, i.e. hippies. "To the Flowermobile!"
He and his goons go to capture one of them (named Princess Primrose) in which he gets his own theme which sounded like that of North by Northwest. 

Narrator: "While at the flowerless flower-in..."
This prompts another new song, with some rather repetitive lyrics. (:10) One of the hip flower children named Dogwood plays a flute as Primrose dances out of a wicker basket like a snake. Barbara walks by, this time in a light green and yellow dress with white gloves, knowing Primrose when she formerly went by the name of Thelma Jones.
Primrose: "I think we'll call you Hyacinth."
Barbara: "I think you've flipped a petal or two."

Up comes Louie in the Flowermobile, which is violet and has some plastic flowers glued all along it. He has more plastic flowers, lilacs in particular, that he throws to the bystanders. Vince finds it cool that he saves his actual flowers for more important things and people.
Louis then incapacitates Primrose to join him with the power of low budget by twisting the flower on his lapel. The only way we know it "works" is it makes an alarm.
This of course harsh outs Dogwood, who responds stereotypically. Cue titles.

After a quiet scene of Primrose being brought to the lair we cut back to the Office, where Barbara tells her "Daddy" on the kidnapping. Of course neither man bothers to try and help.
Gordon: "Barbara, a good librarian is a calm librarian."
So she waits for them to leave her unattended in the room so she can call on the Batphone red phone.
RD: "Why have they changed this?"
Barbara: "I probably shouldn't have used this phone, Batman. I hope I'm not disturbing you."
Batman: "Not at all. Robin and I were just putting a flower decal on the Batmobile.We're to be guests of honor at a flower-in this afternoon."
Barbara: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, the flower-in."

Narrator: "And in Louie, the Lilac's isolated greenhouse, which, in turn, houses his humid hothouse..."
Of course it's just another warehouse with props scattered about.
Louie: "Flower-ins aren't of prime importance to me, Primrose. It's the flower children, and you're their princess."
Primrose: "Sometimes I think I'm too much of a ding-a-ling."
She drops Barbara's name, which gets Louie thinking. He "zaps" her and has a goon drag her into the "hothouse" and tells his other goon to find Barbara. "I'm going down to police headquarters. The  Batmobile's usually parked in an alley nearby. This may be my big chance."

Meanwhile back at the flower-in, Dogwood is still not finding Primrose's departure cool, man. "I mean, flower people try to do good, you know, and spread joy-pollen." He gets some of his fellows to "make a little rumble down at fuzztown" and they all pile into his one pickup truck. 

RD kept getting distracted by Dogwood sounding like David Spade. I'm more distracted that his actor (Jimmy Boyd) was once married before this appearance to...Yvonne Craig. 

Back in the Office Gordon shows his displeasure to the Duo that Barbara did his job for him by using the Batphone red phone: "It precipitated the first real argument we've ever had." (:24) Batman states he will check the Batcomputer for more information on Louie. Vince was distracted by seeing a stain on the costume. RD was more distracted by Robin's goatee stubble: "What's the deal with Robin's Fu Manchu?"
Bonnie calls in to tell her boss that he has some hip flower children to see him.
Batman: "We'll go out the window. Otherwise, we'll be mobbed."
Gordon: "Mobbed? In police headquarters?"
Robin: "The flower children think we're cool, man. We turn them on, you know."
Batman: "Yes, please, be gentle with your visitors, Commissioner. Although it may not be understood by more literal minds, in their own way, they're doing what they can to correct the world's woes with love and flowers."
Gordon: "Brace yourself for some nutty nosegays, Chief O'Hara."

The Duo come to the Batmobile to find Louie's...left a business card for his flower shop.
Batman: "This bears investigation. I strongly suspect that this lilac-colored card could be a plant."
Louie watches them drive away, then calls his girl Lila to prepare for them some poison lilacs. "I'll be there shortly to help you dispose of the soon to be creped crusaders."

The Duo enter the shop, complementing Lila on the mass of flowers despite the city's shortage.
Lila: "My display is nice, isn't it? And I have some other very rare lilacs in the rear room, if you'd like to see them."
That's what she said.
Batman: "I'm always interested in the unusual of any specie."
That's what he said.
So they stand around as she "accidentally" drops the poison lilacs. Robin goes to catch them, Batman gets his breather, and Louie hits him with a vase.

Meanwhile Barbara has suspicions that someone is sneaking up to her apartment. Of course she is correct, and as she tries to call the police the goon tears the telephone cable out of the wall. Oh no. If only she could try to go to some other apartment to use their phone!

Narrator: " And while Barbara faces her vexatious visitor, what's happening in the hothouse of Louie's greenhouse?"
Robin (the Duo tied up in vines): "Man-eating lilacs? Holy purple cannibals."
Louie: "Exactly, Boy Blunder. A rare  just in from Brazil which I crossed with even more  carnivorous plants. (Emphasis mine, he too said it like that) And gusty gourmands they are. They got a hold of an explorer one day in the jungle and left nothing but his shoelaces. (To a goon) What happened to
Princess Primrose?"
Goon: "She's drying out in the office. Flower children wilt fast."
Louie: "She and her flower friends will do more than just wilt before I'm through with them."
Robin: "Gosh, Batman, what a way to go. Eaten alive by a lilac."
Batman: "Well, Robin, at least  it's a flowery finish."

Well hopefully the cliffhanger is not a bad one for next week's -

Wait, this is just the cliffhanger for this week. Never mind.  

Narrator: "With the Dynamic Duo being devoured whole by a strange specie of man-eating lilac, what  are we doing here in the Batcave? Maybe this call on the Batphone red phone will tell us." (:35)

Alfred tells a credulous Gordon that the Duo had not yet returned from visiting him.
Gordon: "If you hear from Batman, have him contact me. (He puts down the receiver.) Barbara's phone is dead, Batman is out. Nothing is going -"
O'Hara: "Now, commissioner, watch your blood pressure."
Unfortunately Ms. Patrick is not on hand with a helpful tray of pills.
Thankfully Alfred knows his way around the Batcomputer to find Louie's lair. 

Robin: "At least they're gentle about it. I haven't felt one bite me yet."
Batman: "Man-eating lilacs have no teeth, Robin. It's a process of ingestion through their tendrils."
Robin: "Batman, we've gotta get out of this somehow. Can't you get to your utility belt and signal  Alfred?"
Batman: "No, they've already consumed my utility belt, Robin. And my hands are entwined by these vicious vines."
Robin: "Holy Luther Burbank!"
Lila can't look. Princess complains so Louie does his invisible zapping. He decides to take her back to the flower-in, conspicuously leaving the Duo alone. 

Meanwhile somehow Barbara has persuaded the goon to wait for her while she changes into Batgirl powders her nose. Her appearance scares him off - just as Gordon enters - just as Batgirl leaves - just as Barbara enters.
Gordon: "Strange, that looked like Batgirl out on the terrace. (sees Barbara) Oh, Barbara, I've been
so worried about you. What was Batgirl doing here?"
He thinks she could go back home for her own safety. I think it's a bit too late for that. She assures him she will be fine, so he leaves after a hug. Vince was sure he saw him get a rather inappropriate hold of his acting colleague as he did so.

Then Alfred shows up. 

On the terrace. 

This is not helped by his looking three feet taller than his acting colleague. 

Anyway he gives her the lair's location. 

Coincidentally the flo hippie children at the flower-in listen to Primrose extol Louie just as his control is wearing off, as helpfully stated by the Narrator. The crowd immediately picks up on this.
Dogwood: "Now he's putting a period on Batman and Robin in his poisonous purple pad. He ought to
be called Louie, the Louse!"
Louie has to make a quick retreat in the Flowermobile before the crowd can stick some flowers in its exhaust or something. 

Narrator: "And shortly, back with the semi-digested Duo."
Robin: "One of these monsters is nibbling at my ear, Batman."
No response.
Batman: "I heard you, Robin."
He managed to loosen one foot, which he uses to kick a flower pot through some glass, just as the villains appear before the crowd. They take a moment of respite before the still fully formed Duo step out.
Louie: "Aah! They're not even chewed up a little."
Batman: "Nor will we be. A word of advice, Louie. One blast of cool air kills these blooming cannibals far quicker than they can devour any human repast."

Cue a fight with the stunt doubles while Berle just sits in a chair watching. Batgirl enters just in time.
Batman (lustily): "How did you get mixed up in this?"
Batgirl: "Maybe some other time and place we can have a question-and-answer session, Batman, but not here."
She picks up a can of "flowery mildew" just laying around.
Louie: "Don't use that spray! Anything it touches molds and decays!"
So of course she sprays it point blank into his face. He falls to the ground, surprisingly not looking too hot.

Louie: "Maybe mildewed and wilting and molding and decaying on the outside, Lila. But inside I'm still Louie, the Lilac. And somehow, some day, I'm going to control the flower market of the world. And with it, the entire flower generation!"

The crowd has managed to track Louie to the lair, so he tries running away suicide via deadly lilacs.
Batman: "Don't worry, Robin. That cold blast of air put those lilacs in a torpor. Go back outside and
calm the flower children."
Robin: "- They'll mob me!"
Batman: "...Groovy."
RD is sure Batman just wanted some alone time with Batgirl, who of course is no longer there.
Lila: "She's gone, Batman. She knew when to get out of here. Smart dame. Who is she?"
Batman: "I don't know. I never have, perhaps I never will. But I wish I did."

Cue shot of Batgirl on her Batcycle as her theme plays, if by "shot" you mean a green screen while Craig sits on a stationary bike with a look of total confusion on her face. (:52)

Robin comes back into the shop to tell him the police have arrested Lila and handled the crowd. All off screen of course, we have a budget to maintain! He is answered by the sound of a galloping horse, so they look outside.
Robin: "Holy hoofbeats."
Batman: "Exactly, Robin. And if I'm not mistaken, a band of Bessarovian Cossacks just rode by."

The cause is Anne Baxter as Zelda The Great a lady named Olga on a horse. Beside her is Egghead, and of course he is on a donkey. 

Robin: "What do you suppose he's doing back in Gotham City? And that woman. She looked like a real Tartan princess."
Batman: "I predict that Batman and Robin will soon be getting a call on the Bat red telephone. But first let's rescue Louie, the Lilac, from those clinging vines."
Narrator: "Be sure to watch the next episode for what Egghead and a Tartar princess named Olga have in store for the Caped Crusaders!"

For some reason RD reads a year incorrectly, giving Lila's actress Lisa Seagram (born Ruth Browser) 10 extra years. Vince is at least accurate in his age guessing; he guessed 32, off by a year. Her career was mostly in the 50s and 60s TV including an appearance on Bewitched. She sadly passed away in 2019. Vince gives her a "very middle of the road" 5 Batpoles. He thinks she did some work on her nose. RD gives her 4.
Princess "Thelma Jones" Primrose was even younger at 22 (Vince has 28). Skye Aubrey (also no longer with us since 2020) may have been more active in the 70s, but she is more known for once being briefly married to Ilya Salkind, producer of the first Superman movie. In fact her mother (actress Phyllis Thaxter) played Martha Kent. RD is unsure what to rate she he gives 5.5. Vince has a "real generous" 6.

Neither Bro thought much of this episode, especially as Milton Berle really didn't do much. And yes, he will return. 

Vince asks about Reuben Like The Sandwich's Arcade. The King of Arcade is still to be held on the 16th. The contestants are playing for a Tempest Arcade1Up machine. RD brags about being better than the challengers regardless.
Vince: "Bro, I've had Space Invaders sitting here for about two years now and I've never gotten past the first screen."

Next up for RD to write about: Samoa Joe in TNA. Vince puts the blame on Eric Bischoff trying to get Jimmy Snuka. RD wonders how he would have done anything at his age. "Please to explain."


  • Special Guest Villain: Louie the Lilac (Milton Berle)

  • RD Time Outs:  1 (Real Quick) 
  • Screen Shares: 1. RD
  • Specie: 1. Necesse comma

Episode 106: Holy Dummy!: September 4, 2023

The Unkindest Tut of All
October 19, 1967
"King Tut has been predicting crimes, then secretly making sure they happen in order to gain the police's confidence. He hopes to then send them on a false lead while he commits the crime of the century. After failing an attempt to discover Batman's true identity, he gives his biggest prediction - a jailbreak of several super criminals. While the entire police force is sent to the penitentiary, Tut nabs a collection of priceless Egyptian scrolls from the Gotham City Library. The scrolls contain the key to an ancient statue, rumored to give its possessor control of the universe."
67 minutes

RD: Ersatz Batman. Vince had no idea what that means. He again wasn't sure what to make of the episode.

Vince does not have a gong. He has other sounds for that.

Narrator: " Sunday afternoon in Gotham City. A day of rest for everyone, including crime-fighters...or so it seems."

Bruce and Barbara are driven by Alfred in a Town Car to the most exciting of places: an accordion recital.
Barbara: "There's nothing I like better than hearing Lady of Spain played eight times."
RD: "I understood the words she was saying. I did not understand those words linked together."
Barbara: "Daddy's been wanting us to get better acquainted for some time now."
The Bros have concerns, since she is a 20-something recent university graduate, while this Bruce is in his late 30s to early 40s. I'm not one to judge relationship differences like this too much, but it certainly doesn't fit with Batman's confirmed and actual relationship with her as a fellow crime-fighter (not to mention he already has Catwoman and Talia Al-Ghul in his life as it is).
Vince: "Maybe Commissioner Gordon is looking to open up an ice skating ring, and he is looking for some free advice from Millionaire Bruce Wayne."
RD: "I think old Gordo wants to suck off the teat of rich Uncle Bruce."

Bruce: "Time passes very swiftly with pleasant company. Would you like to watch the television news broadcast together?"
Barbara: "That's why the shades are drawn, isn't it?"
RD: "Was Alfred up in the front seat looking in the rear view mirror going "hmmm, boy, they're really going at it"?"
Vince: "This whole thing is very awkward."

Thankfully we have King Tut to cut away to on the 'television news broadcast'. (:11) He has been predicting crimes, which unsurprisingly have been ignored by the police "those sometime guardians of your life and property." Though that's probably less their not believing the word of a criminal and more being incompetent in actually doing their job.
"With that in mind, here is my third prognostication. Andrew's Hockey Puck Factory on West 20th will be robbed before I finish my next sentence."

Dick has to answer the Batphone at Stately Wayne Manor. He buzzes Bruce's "wristwatch alarm" before he and Barbara can do something more arousing like talk about the weather (while the curtains are still drawn). Bruce excuses himself to go to a meeting for his Foundation. Barbara asks to be dropped off at her beauty salon nearby.
With her gone, Bruce calls back, which turns on a blinking lamp in the study that was never seen before.
Dick: "Commissioner Gordon called. Our friend the Yale professor was hit by a brick at a love-in."
Unless it was an Egyptian themed one I do not want to know what he was doing in one. 

After the titles we go to...Gordon's Office? Say it ain't so! O'Hara tells the Duo Tut has situated himself in a tent on a vacant lot. So off the Duo go. End scene. 

Narrator: "Shortly thereafter in King Tut's current habitat, the scurrilous scalawag is plying his newfound trade to an interested assemblage."
The tent is of course a large frame tent in the studio parking lot on the outside, and is of course a large sound stage on the inside. Tut is fanned by his lady Shirley, who has a rather cartoonish New York accent. He is in the midst of praying for another "prediction"  to an onlooking gathering as the Duo burst in.
Tut: "In the name of everything that's nasty, give me your answer, do!"
Batman: "Come off it, Tut. Your predictions are nothing but phony, fatuous flimflam."
Tut: "Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut, Nabob of the Nile, Moon God of Thoth, and stuff like that? By the instep of Ramses, I'll have his head!"
Batman: " This is all part of some dastardly trick, Tut. Why don't you come with me and let us have your head examined?"
Tut (drawing a sword): "Stand back, you Caped Crumbum. I'm now on your side of the law now!"
Shirley: "He is! He's on all sides of the law!"
Tut: "In less than one hour, the box office at the Soccer Stadium will be robbed. As a citizen of Gotham City, I would like to see that crime thwarted. This town can be a better, safer place to live."
Shirley: "I just love better,  safer places to live. Ha!"
Tut: "Whether or not you care to act on this information is of little consequence, my Dynamic Dum- Dums. I have cleared my conscience by reporting to the law. The rest is up to you."

Batman: "Let's go, Robin."
Robin: "You mean you really believe him?"
Batman: "Robin, the Constitution provides that a man is innocent until proven guilty. And the Constitution is the cornerstone of our great nation. We must abide by it."
Robin: "Gosh, when you put it that way, Batman, how can I help but agree?"
Actually that doesn't appear anywhere in the document. Perhaps Batman was the one who got hit in the head with a brick?
With the Duo gone, "Tutsy-poo" dismisses the crowd so he can reveal his plan to Shirley, as obvious as it may be: he will eventually distract Batman and the police on a "wild flamingo chase" while he gets what he really wants. 

Sure enough the Duo find the stadium's box office being robbed, which must seriously hurt the announced Doves and Hawks match. (:22)
Robin: "Give up without a struggle, we'll make things easier for you."
Batman: "If not, you may be severely pummeled about the head and shoulders."
So they struggle via fight, dur-

Narrator: "Meanwhile, a seemingly innocent idle bystander is neither innocent nor idle."
This is probably the first time he cuts in during a fight like this.
Anyway, the bystander hides a tracking device on the Batmobile.

The Undynamic Duo arrive just as the bout has already been settled.
Batman: "Your timing, as usual, is flawless, Commissioner."

At the tent, Tut takes a look through his BatTutscope which looks exactly like a Batscope, which he uses to track the Batmobile to the Batcave. His goon Nubis (not Anubis, unless he too took a blow to the head) reads off coordinates (Tut: "Carry the four"), that place the Batcave east of the meridian instead of west, placing it in...northeastern Turkey

The city of Batman is south of that.

Tut: " Oh, I'll be a son of a Byzantine king! Do you know where that is?"
Shirley: "The zoo?"
Tut: "The Batcave is directly under Stately Wayne Manor."
Shirley: "That means that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same and one."

Alfred is out shopping ("to take advantage of the specials" so Bruce has to answer the normal phone which is of course Tut asking for Batman.
Dick: "Holy heart failure!"
Tut: "Come off it, you Caped Cockamamie. You're also Batman. And Tut's gonna tell it to the whole world at a press conference tomorrow."
Bruce: "Batman will make you look like a fool. He and I have met."
Tut: "Balderdash, say I! Stuff and nonsense and phooey! The only way you'll convince me that Batman  and Bruce Wayne are not the same person is let me see them both simultaneously."
Shirley: "Or both at the same time, whichever comes first."
Like me RD gets distracted when going grocery shopping and buys so many random things. 

After the commercial break the Duo find the tracking device as they try to figure out an answer. RD was expecting BatAlfred.
This "press conference" the next day is at the tent. Tut posits to the gathered reporters that Batman is in fact Bruce Wayne. (:30)
Bruce: "I sincerely appreciate the compliment, King Tut. I'm not so sure whether Batman would. Why don't you tell him? He's just outside."
Sure enough he and Robin are just sitting in the Batmobile.
Bruce: "Tut, why don't you forego this foolishness and submit yourself for observation? Once rehabilitated, I'm sure you will become a valuable member of the community."
Tut: "He's Batman, all right. Who else in this present-day dynasty could be that square?"
Batman: "Goodbye, everybody. Robin and I must pursue our relentless war against evil."
Barbara (watching at home): "You have to admit it, Charlie, the chance of Bruce Wayne being Batman was a very long shot. I can't think of two more obviously opposite people."

Tut: "Agh. It is written: "He who knows he has lost has had it.""
He immediately goes into "phase two": steal some Egyptian scrolls from the Library. "For hidden somewhere within them is the secret of the whereabouts of a statue hidden since the age of Imhotep. Whoever possesses it, my Aswan damsel, possesses the universe."
Shirley: "That's a lot of land."
Tut: "Mama told me to pick a nice Egyptian girl."

Back in the Batcave Alfred comes down a Batpole. (:36)
Robin: "Wow, you came down that pole like a pro, Alfred. I bet you always wanted to do that."
Alfred: "Indeed I have, Master Robin, but once is enough. Next time I'll use the elevator and leave the Batpoles to you."
But no, he was not BatAlfred today. Instead Batman used a ventriloquist dummy.
Batman: "Any problem with the ersatz Batman, Robin?"
Vince: "Can we be clear that this ersatz Batman looked nothing like the Batman in the Batmobile?"
Robin: "Holy Gemini, it worked great."
Batman: "It's the same principle as a dummy, Alfred. I used my pocket Bat-synchronizer to operate the lips, throw in a bit of ventriloquism. No one was the wiser. Batmobile drove itself after being programmed to stop at red lights and intersections. Alfred, would you put my twin brother in the Bat-Dummy closet please?"

The Batphone rings.
Gordon: "King Tut has predicted another crime."
Batman: " The charlatan!"
Gordon: "He insists all available police surround Gotham City Penitentiary as a massive escape is in the offing. Certain forces will attempt to spring Penguin, Riddler, Egghead, and the Siren."
Batman: "Get your men out there. We can't afford to take chances."
Gordon: "But that means the remainder of Gotham City is wide-open for evildoers."
Batman: "Robin and I will protect the balance of the populace."
Gordon: "Eight million people?" (Emphasis mine, it's as large as New York today)
Batman: "Trust me."
Gordon: "Of course, Batman."

Of course Barbara has overheard all this, given that she hasn't done much so far (except wear a nice yellow dress while listening to Lady of Spain another 20 times consecutively). 
Barbara (to Charlie): "If the quote he quoted is the quote I think he quoted, I may just have figured out Tut's entire plot. It was a mistake only an Egyptian bibliophile would have noticed. Lucky I'm an Egyptian bibliophile."
Narrator: "Luckily for us, she's an Egyptian bibliophile. And even luckier she's Batgirl, the supremely  feminine scourge of all that is criminal."

In the Batcave the three also start coming to the same conclusion.
Batman: "There was something he said which may be a key to his ultimate caper."
Alfred: "Oh yes, I remember, sir."
Batman: "What's it all about, Alfred?"
(The legend states that after hearing the reference, Michael Caine committed to acting so that he too could try playing Alfred 40 years later.)
Alfred: "It was to the effect that a man who knows when he has lost has had it."
Batman: ""Had it." Of course, it's staring us right in our masks, Robin. That quote is on line 769 of  chapter 14, scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bold. One of the many ancient and  irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City Library."

So we once again go to the Library, hotspot of all criminal activity. (:45) The Duo run in just as Tut and goons run out. They can't follow because they have to rescue another librarian tied up there.
Batman: "She won't live a minute longer in that position, Robin."
So of course they stand around for a bit until they untie her.
Librarian: "They said you'd protect us, Batman!"
Robin: "Don't worry. We'll get those scrolls back."
Also Barbara is taking her "first day off in a month."
RD: "What kind of slave camp is she working at?"

Of course Batgirl beats the Duo to getting into the tent first, taking the opportunity to smirk in secret as Tut gloats about his steal to Nubis and other goon Osiris.
Tut: "Let's make tracks."
Batgirl: "The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary."
Tut: "You know, it's against my principles to beat up on ladies, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
She wins the round by tripping the two goons within three seconds.
Tut: "You know, I can always use a smart girl in my line of work. The ones I've had lately are rather inferior."
At this Shirley breaks a vase over Batgirl, knocking her out.

Tut: "Now, for the second time, let's make tracks."
Batman (arriving): "The only tracks you'll make are to the penitentiary."
Tut: "There's some sort of delayed echo in here."
At least this round of fighting lasts longer, allowing Tut's stunt double to take a large bump on his back. 

Batman: "So it was you who blazed the trail."
Batgirl: "I was just doing my duty as a citizen."
Batman (lustily): "I like that kind of talk. Perhaps we could get together some evening and discuss crime-fighting techniques."
Batgirl: "No one knows where you live."
Batman: "Yes, that does constitute somewhat of a problem."

Cue another round of fighting, this time with Batgirl smiling and kicking. Tut's stunt double takes another bump head first through a table. 

Batman: "Batgirl never stays around long enough for us to thank her."
Robin: "She's probably very modest."
RD: "No. If you look at the way she acts, I don't think this girl has a modest bone in her body."
Batman: "I wonder who she really is."
Batgirl: "I wonder who he really is."

Tut is taken to the Office, where Bruce is also for some reason. "I've lived a thousand years, so I'll live another thousand," Tut gloats since nobody remembered to just hit him in the head again. Barbara comes in.
Bruce: "I wonder if we could continue that date we interrupted this weekend."
Tut: "You mean you actually had a date with this socialite lump?"
Barbara: "Yes. Why?"
Tut: "Because he's so deadly dull!"

Outside, Milton Berle drives up in a lilac painted car while smoking a cigar. This prompts an officer to call Gordon.
Gordon: "You don't say. You don't say. You don't say."
Barbara: "Who was it?"
Gordon: "He didn't say."

Actually this was notice of Louie the Lilac in his Flowermobile. Bruce takes the cue to leave.
Tut: "That's what I said! He's gonna go straight to the Batcave and put on that corny blue outfit!"
Bruce: "Actually, I had something more mundane in mind, King Tut. I've had so much crime in the last two days, I don't care if I ever see it again."
Barbara: "Bruce Wayne's nice enough, Daddy. But he's certainly no Batman."
Tut: "You wanna wager a sphinx or two?"

The Bros thought the episode was alright. Tut will make one more appearance by the end of the season. He was originally supposed to be in the very next episode.

Shirley's exaggerated voice reminded RD of the rather obvious (and sadly timed parallel) of the recently passed Arlene Sorkin, the original Harley Quinn. He thinks 36 year young Patti Gilbert (as Shirley, not Harley) would have made a great voice actor if circumstances were different. (And she did, though only a couple of roles.) RD gives a "generous" 5.5 Batpoles. Vince gives her a 1.

Randy Savage had a time on QVC.

  • Special Guest Villain: King Tut [4] (Victor Buono) [4]

  • Screen Shares: 2. Vince, Vince
  • RD Time Outs:  1 (Real Quick)

Episode 105: Holy Constitutional!: August 28, 2023

A Horse of Another Color
October 12, 1967
"The Penguin steals a priceless folio of famous parasols from the Gotham City Library. He plans to wager the $10,000 earned from its ransom on a rigged horse race. Aided by his partner-in-crime Lola Lasagne, he disguises the favored entry Parasol as the unknown "Bumbershoot," then enters a painted glue factory horse as "Parasol". With everyone betting their money on the fake horse, it looks like the Penguin will make a fortune when the real Parasol wins the race. But he wasn't counting on a last-minute entry of Bruce Wayne's, the horse Waynebeau, ridden by none other than Batgirl."
53 minutes

RD: Russo's Saddle Monkey. This makes Vince laugh, as it should.

Neither remember today's episode, despite its increased budget for some reason. RD fell asleep while watching the first half of things. Vince found it all ridiculous. They agreed that things picked up later on.
Vince: "This show had to come from one of the writers sitting around the table and having a vision come to him of the Penguin sitting on a horse. That's where this entire episode had to come from."
RD: "I think, honestly, that one of the writers probably had some type of gambling problem, and was at the racetrack and thought "you know what? We could make a Batman episode outta this. It would give me a good excuse to come lay down some money on the ponies.""

Instead of watching the episode on the airdate you could have instead watched the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Boston Red Sox in Game 7 of the World Series. They were led by Hall of Famer Bob Gibson pitching his third complete game of the match-up for only three hits. The next season he would record an ERA of 1.12. 

Narrator: "Daybreak at Gotham City Library, where Penguin has just purloined a priceless folio of famous umbrellas." (:05)
Both Dynamic and Undynamic Duos appear just as he (and Lola) tries to leave, so he keeps them at bay with the sparkler in his umbrella.
Robin: "Holy diversionary tactic!"
Batman lets him go, partly to see where this unfolds, partly knowing how badly the police would fumble an arrest.
Barbara appears, now wearing a pretty green dress, to greet her father. "I guess I better phone Bruce Wayne. As head of the library's board of trustees, he'd be upset at the loss of a rare item."
RD wonders how many boards Bruce is on.
Batman says he will recover the book within an hour as the Duo return to the Batcave. Cue titles without any semblance of resolving the "cliffhanger" or making a good stinger. 

At the lair Penguin and Lola discuss hope no one will recognize their paint-disguised horse. Now they have to wonder what to do with the jockey (Wally Bootmaker, a parody of the famed Willie Shoemaker) who would quickly notice the deception.
Penguin: "That is the sharpest-looking horse of another color I've ever seen in my life. ... My two finks will take care of [Wally] when they get back."

He then gets a call for a placed bet, which he uses to tell them of Parasol "and a late entry by
the name of Bumbershoot".
Satisfied with that, he searches his newspaper's "Saturday review of folios" for a prospective buyer of his folio. One person, a Mr. A. L. Fredd, catches his eye, so he calls the Gotham West Hotel where he is at. "I'm sure that our 10 grand is gonna be in the feed bag, Lulu."
Lola: "It's not Lulu. It's Lola Lasagne."
Penguin: "Well, have it your way. Lasagne, macaroni, whatever."
RD liked Penguin's Popeye-style mumbling, ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. Vince once worked with the grandson of creator E.C. Segar, and was gifted some of his original artwork. 

Cut to later: Batman has already found the lair's location. To Robin: "I did a little extracurricular crime-detecting while Dick Grayson did his homework." Mr. Fredd (of Penny's Worth) has already got the tome ("a steal at $10,000"). He shows it to his colleagues in the study as Barbara calls.
Barbara: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, I'm glad I finally reached you. I've been trying for over an hour."
Bruce: "Dick and I were out taking our usual early constitutional. Apparently Alfred didn't hear the telephone."
Vince: "Does that not sound like they were taking a dump?"
RD: "They were not."
She tells him about the stolen book despite Batman and Gordon having told her not to since it would be sorted within the hour. "I'm afraid I'm still naive enough to believe the impossible can't be done. I guess I owe Batman an apology." She hangs up. 

Dick: "You're now out $10,000 to that pompous purloiner?"
Bruce: ""Patient men win the day," an apt quotation from Chaucer."
Dick: "Apt maybe, but I doubt if Chaucer had run into Penguin when he wrote it."

At the lair the goons show up late due to the traffic. (:18) Penguin is listening to the news on his little Penguin radio (delivered by voice actor Gary Owens, who did a similar announcer character on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In) about Batman returning the folio to the library and "Bruce Wayne, chairman of the board of directors".
Penguin: "Quadruple faugh! She is gonna pay for this. Ms. Gordon, that's who. ... I smell a deep and dire plot in all this. But Ms. Gordon is going to smell something even worse!"
He has another penguin, but rather than it a radio it emits a deadly gas.
Lola: "We don't wanna kill anyone."
Penguin: "She spurned me, didn't she? Well, she's not gonna get a second chance."
He sends the goons with the penguin while he gives Lola some itching powder for the other horses, and another goon to deal with Wally. 

Sure enough, the racing secretary (played by Herbert Anderson, who also played Henry Mitchell, father of [American] Dennis the Menace [Mitchell]), calls Bruce to tell him almost all of the horses have been scratched - due to the itching powder. RD did not see that gag coming at all. There's just Parasol and late entry Bumbershoot, and the latter's jockey of the Penguin is just standing there registering himself.
Bruce: "What does he look like?"
Secretary: "Confidentially, he's a bit of a bird."
Penguin: (Neighs)

Bruce decides to let him race on Bumbershoot and he will get another jockey for Parasol. (To Dick:) "Just as I thought. Penguin has not only overplayed his hand, he's tipped his mitt." He decides to add a third horse, from his own stable, named Waynebeau (after rainbow, get it).
Dick: "Bruce, let me ride Waynebeau. I'm light enough."
Bruce: "No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny. But you can ride the fake Parasol and try to win it."
He wants Batgirl as the third jockey, and he's so giddy at the thought. He has to find her though, which is left to Alfred who gives his boss such a look. Vince was disappointed it wasn't Aunt Harriet. RD has to break it to him she will not be appearing much going forward. Vince promises to rate her the next and final time she appears. 

Meanwhile the toy penguin gasses...the other librarian there (named Myrtle). Whoops. Barbara manages to save her colleague before Alfred shows up asking to speak to Barbara in private. 

Back at the racetrack, the secretary is bewildered and livid at the starting lineup, and demands Bruce to cancel it. "If Batman, for instance, told me that this race must be run for a particular reason, that might be different."
Bruce: "And suppose Batman did tell you that the race must be run?"
Secretary: "I would have to hear it from him in person."

So Bruce puts on the cowl. "A very capable man, the racing secretary. Remind me to give him a bonus, Alfred," he requests his returning butler before he departs. 

Meanwhile Lola meets her "Spanish-speaking" horse's jockey, who is in fact Dick trying to speak Spanish. As a reminder, Parasol was her one asset from her Brazilian husband, who would have spoken Portuguese. She goes to bet on Bumbleshoot.

Penguin (looking through his monocle through his racing googles): "That jockey, you know who he looks like? Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne's ward."
Goon: "What would Dick Grayson be doing as a saddle monkey, boss?"
Penguin: "One thing he'll be doing soon is eating my dust!"

At last Batgirl makes her appearance on Waynebeau next to the other two horses.
Secretary: "Why, this is getting more farcical by the moment."
The Undynamic Duo move next to him, being informed by Batman to be there. 

The race is of course mostly stock footage. The actual horses and their stunt double jockeys have to deal with some really haphazard editing and positioning. Craig actually wanted to ride in person, but seeing her mount had someone else stand in for her this one time. (:35)

Anyway obviously Waynebeau wins by several lengths. Bumbleshoot is second, and Parasol is third. Batgirl then charges after a fleeing Penguin.
Secretary: "You may have a good-sized riot on your hands, Mr. Wayne. Almost everyone bet on Parasol. Batman better have a good explanation too. It's a very dark day for racing in Gotham City, Mr. Wayne."

Penguin: "I'll change, then we better make tracks."
Lola: "Why? We haven't done anything wrong."
Penguin: "We haven't done anything right. We just lost 10 grand. And the paint is running faster than the horse did."

Batgirl follows Pengy to the men's locker room so the Trio and goons can prepare for their fight. 
Batgirl: "No need to change clothes, Penguin. They'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going."
Penguin: "Faugh! Armband, Visor, bridle that filly!"
Batman: "No bother to return the many favors you've done for us, Batgirl."
RD: "Batman now is basically taking on the role of Commissioner. Batgirl to Batman is basically what Batman is to Commissioner Gordon."
The fight is again not a bad one, even if Batgirl can't stop smiling during it. 

Gordon: "Well Penguin, looks like your perfidious prank is up."
Penguin: "Perfidious? Faugh, I admit I fixed the race, but I fixed it so the best horse won. Regardless of that, I'm sure that the results of the Handicap will be declared permanently unofficial."
O'Hara: "And you'll be declared permanently incarcerated."
Batman: "Batgirl, she's gone again. Like spray. Like a cloud. Like lightning."
Robin: "We should try to find her and thank her."
Batman: "Mere thanks are empty words, Robin. Whoever she is, wherever she goes, whatever she's  after, I think we'll be seeing more of her."

Back at the Library, Gordon visits his daughter dusting in the Egyptology section. Before he can take her for dinner they turn to see King Tut just standing there.
Barbara: "You mean a real arch-criminal has turned up here in the library?"
RD: "Sister, EARLIER IN THE DAY THE PENGUIN WAS IN THE LIBRARY! This library may be the most popular place for criminals in the entire city."
Barbara: "He sounds fascinating!"
Gordon: "No, darling, not fascinating. He is fiendishly evil, the most dangerous kind of fraud. I better get word to the Dynamic Duo."

Narrator: "So, King Tut has returned, but for what evil purpose? With what nefarious scheme? And what is he doing in this library? Watch the next episode for the awesome answer!"

Of course Vince is familiar with Ethel Merman and her long line of work - she would have been 59 in filming here. He gives her 5 Batpoles at least for that. RD takes her age "into consideration" in giving her 2.5. He takes issue with Vince's spin on age. He counters that it would be for if they tried playing younger roles. 

The "Council of Ruperts" is still determining what games to use for the King of Arcade. RD is certain Q*bert is one of them.

  • Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
  • Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 


  • Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. What cliffhanger?
  • Window Celebrity: 1. Gary Owens

Episode 104: Holy Non Sequiturs!: August 21, 2023

The Sport of Penguins
October 5, 1967
"The Penguin teams up with parasol collector Lola Lasagne. Together, they plan to rig the upcoming Bruce Wayne Handicap to make a fortune from Lola's prize racehorse Parasol. They break into Glu Gluten's Glue Factory to steal a condemned horse, planning to switch horses before the race and make their money by betting on the real Parasol. When Batman, Robin, and Batgirl catch up with them at the glue factory, Penguin sneaks outside and plasters the Batmobile with a sticky glue."
70 minutes

RD: GOIN TO GLUE FACTORY knew it was Hulk Hogan's 170th Julie Newmar's 90th birthday recently.
Vince: "Oh I thought you were gonna say "probably better than Sunny in an orange jumpsuit.""
RD: "She looks exactly like Shelly Winters when she was Ma Parker."
Vince still feels a bit bad for the young woman he once worked with.
RD retells the time he and Blade once met Tam at a convention before things happened as they did.

Speaking of things happening as they did, RD finally saw Extreme live. Gary Cherone recognized his Batman '66 shirt that he is also wearing here. Vince brought up Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black parodying More Than Words: "Let me put it to you this way: it's gonna be ten times better than the episode we just witnessed." (:15)

Narrator: "Gotham Park Racetrack, the day before the Bruce Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap, where two fancy fillies are meeting the press: a high-spirited horse and her proud-spirited mistress."

The Racetrack is an actual outdoor shoot (at Los Alamitos), a rare sight this season due to budget. The horse is named Parasol and her owner is named Lola Lasagne, a major player in "shower sticks" i.e. parasols. (:23) To Parasol: "Shape up, Parasol. Looks and your legs are all we've got left."

Narrator: "But what's this strange bird doing in the royal surroundings of a queen of the turf and the sport of kings?"
Penguin waddles up, grabbing the umbrella from her hand, and then waddles off.
Lola: "You waddling bird!"

After the titles, Pengy next enters the City's one (1) Public Library to break open a case to reveal the book inside.
Barbara: "What is this? You can't just barge in here cut open a locked case, and walk off with a priceless folio of famous parasols."
Penguin: "Why not?"
She tries making a "tax-paying" citizen's arrest, calling up her "beloved father" that he's already met just a couple of weeks ago. He uses the opportunity to flee, leaving behind a ticking umbrella.

As it just so happens the Duo are also in the Office. The Bros think they were having lunch.
O'Hara: "Brazen bird! I'll wager there's a connection between this and that parasol he stole from Lola Lasagne today at the racetrack."
Gordon (suddenly appalled): "You wager, Chief O'Hara? A public servant and upstanding chief of police betting?"
O'Hara: "Uh, can I call it a hunch, Commissioner?"

The Duo rush over to the Library with a Bat-Shield.
Robin: "Haven't you some Anti-Percussion Asbestos Bat-Flax in your utility belt?"
Batman: "No time for that now, Robin. Let's get this offending article out into the corridor and under the Bat-Bomb Machine."
The umbrella explodes (off-screen of course), but thankfully the Duo are unharmed.
Batman still remembers Pengy's attempt to marry Barbara, and his thinking again of Batgirl makes his heart all aflutter. The Duo leave to consult the Batcomputer. 

Narrator: "While in Penguin's bookshop, or to be more accurate Penguin's bookmaking shop..." (:31)
Penguin takes bets over the phone, and of course he does it in person to directly link himself to any potential crimes. Lola comes in for her parasol, which he uses to know she is actually Lulu Schultz.
Penguin: "I knew you when you'd steal the braces from other kids' teeth."
Lola: "While you stole their teeth."
Parasol (her horse), is her one thing from her three week marriage to 80 year old South American billionaire Luigi Lasagne. She even had to sell her parasols. So she was hoping to win the race tomorrow. Unfortunately Pengy has to break it to her that it is a charity race, for the Bruce Wayne Memorial Foundation. Is there any other kind in the city?

In the Batcave the Duo and Alfred somehow link parasols to horse blankets. Vince wonders if they were involved by the pre-credits scene of the Penguin at the racetrack. The Batcomputer's "Bat-Correction Signal" then prints "Lulu Schultz" which they somehow link to "Glu Gluten's Glue Factory." Even Vince can't explain that.
Robin: "Holy non sequiturs!" 

As soon as the Duo leave in the Batmobile Alfred immediately calls Barbara to tell her.
Barbara: "But how did you her of it?"
Alfred: "Actually, I overheard it. The Dynamic Duo were to be dinner guests at Stately Wayne Manor  tonight."
RD: "He's only known this girl for a couple of weeks. He's already trusting her with this?"

Barbara: "Charlie, I thought I was going to spend a quiet evening with you. Instead, I'm off to Glu Gluten's Glue Factory."
Narrator: "Once more, from Barbara Gordon, librarian and police commissioner's daughter,to that dominoed daredoll Batgirl in a matter of seconds!"
RD thought she looked good in a pink dress. Vince wonders how her hideout would not be discovered since she lives in an apartment complex instead of a stately manor. RD thinks she should have had Alfred help her with building it. 

At the lair, Penguin decides to get Parasol to swap appearances with another horse and make money off the long odds of disguising him as a long-shot dark horse. Pengy volunteers his own horse with a dash of white paint on the mane. He then hears over the radio of the Duo handling his bomb in the Library, infuriating him.
Penguin: "The Dynamic Dunderheads! Faugh! Double faugh! Triple faugh!"
Lola: "Why are you so anxious to bomb the library?"
Penguin: "No, not the library, somebody in the library. Somebody who had the miserable taste to turn down an offer of marriage from me."
Lola: "You, Pengy, scorned by a woman?"
Penguin: "It's incredible, isn't it? Well, let's get back to the horse-switching before those caped  crumbums get on my tailpiece again."

As part of their plan the two go to the glue factory (as the Trio make their own way there). The place has a dizzying array of glues, including fish glue. RD tried looking it up and for some reason didn't find much. What search engine he was using? (My guess is AltaVista.)
Glu Gluten is actually there in person, telling the two that horse glue isn't actually made from actual horses as much nowadays. However he does keep a spare "in case of emergency."
Penguin offers to buy "this four-legged thing with a long nose" for "nothing down and a little a week. Don't you know anything about the economic structure of this country? It's always nothing down and a little a week. That is the cornerstone of our financial security."

The Duo catch up to watch things go down (still legally for the moment).
Batman: "But planting a time bomb in a public library is a felony."
They try crashing through the window - and get stuck as they both try to go through at the same time. Also they're barely six inches off the ground. 

Penguin: "Drat! Double drat! Triple drat!"
Batman: "Expletives will get you nowhere. ... What other whimsical pranks are you and your charming conspiratress up to?"
Penguin orders Lola to run with the horse to the racetrack before siccing his goons for the fight. They show their prowess by tossing Robin up and down like a cheerleader. Also the glue factory had a trapeze for some reason.
Batgirl ties up the goons but Penguin escapes with a bucket of "library glue". RD tried looking that up too and of course found nothing.

Batgirl: "I pray for the day when Gotham City's safe from such mocking mountebanks."
Batman: "Cleaning up crime is the dream of every good citizen, Batgirl. But one thought intrigues me. How did you know Robin and I might be in trouble with Penguin in this glue factory?"
Batgirl: "Through the one thing you couldn't possibly have in your utility belt, Batman: a woman's  intuition."

Penguin uses the Duo's distracted by Batgirl's vanishing to paint library glue all over the Batmobile seats and tires.
Batman (smitten quoting her theme song): "She's gone. Like a shadow. Like smoke. Like a shooting star. Who knows where she goes? Who knows where she comes from? Who knows who she is?... We must allow her her anonymity and freedom of action as we demand ours. Whatever is fair in love and war is also fair in crime-fighting."
Vince wonders if Barbara is around Dick's age. RD reminds him she just graduated college while Robin is still high school, so there would be a four year difference between them at least. That would be enough to make her his ward too.

Glu: "Nothing down, nothing a week. A nothing factory. What a deal."

The Duo hop into the Batmobile to get back to the Batcave and of course get stuck to the seats. (:51)
Robin: "Holy mucilage!"

The two villains are back at the lair having managed to paint the fake horse.
Penguin: "You switched bangtails at the track, and this hay burner is the real palooka."
Lola: "The real Parasol, Pengy. And I wish you wouldn't call her a bangtail, a hay burner or a palooka."
Naming their new horse Bumbershoot, Penguin now has to explain to his fellow criminal how betting works. But they still need money first to wager. Pengy decides to go back to the Library, steal the book on rare parasols, and sell it on the black market.
Lola: "Go get it, right now."
Penguin: "No, no. The library isn't open yet."
Lola: "Since when has that ever stopped you?"

Narrator: "Is Lola right? Can't Penguin be stopped? Is he really stealing a priceless folio to finance his crooked coup with the Dynamic Duo pasted to the Batmobile outside the glue factory? And Barbara Gordon, minus Batgirl's trappings, asleep in her apartment? Or is she?" 

Barbara is woken up by the Emergency Library Prowler Signal, which she informs her father about.
The Duo manage to return to the Batcave, apologizing to Alfred since the Batmobile's Library Paste Bat-Dissolving Switch also got stuck.
Robin: "Look Batman, the red phone." (Emphasis mine.)

Narrator: "But are they all too late? Will Penguin and Lola succeed in pulling off the foulest race-fixing scheme of all time? For more, tune in the next episode."




This is the type of cliffhanger we have been reduced to this season. 

Vince wonders if they were trying to save money on "traps", so we got what everyone agrees is the worst cliffhanger ever: people just standing around as a phone rings.

The next episode title doesn't even rhyme.  

Through his archaic search engine RD found his birthdate (January 12th) was the most popular. He shares it with Vince's father. September is the most popular month overall. 

RD wrote about Eric Bischoff (with Matt Hardy) beating the Young Bucks with two karate kicks. Of course it was TNA, why do you ask?

Speakinf of Hardys, Jeff had a Gooker nominee Texas Chainsaw Massacre match (against other Jeff Jarrett). AEW didn't even get paid that much! (Only $100,000 which Tony Khan will donate to Maui relief after much backlash.) Vince got a laugh at a chainsaw wielder just deciding to kick somebody. Even he - Vince Russo - was confused by the breakneck chaos of things. RD laughed at them considering Hangman Page standing next to an ambulance as a "hospital" (ala Season 3 Batman). He wants to email Tony to ask to check inside the ambulance to see if Shaquille O'Neal is in it.

  • Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
  • Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 


  • Screen Shares: 1. Vince
  • SPEAKING OFs: 2. Returned albums, Awful