Transcript #001: Why Did They Continue?

Transcript of WrestleCrap Radio #001
by iggy

To make it somewhat readable, most of the redundancies, coughs, ums, you knows, ands, likes, I means, etc. are omitted.

[ Intro ]

RD: Hey Crapparinos, you've got RD Reynolds here in the first ever, and we'll see how it goes, and maybe first ever, last ever, if my cohost doesn't wake up a little bit. I've had to call him six times today and get him out of bed. He is the Ed McMahon to my Johnny Carson, or something to that ilk. Blade Braxton is on the line with us.

Blade: Yeah, how's it goin'?

[ 00:45 "Get in the Ring" takeover plans]
RD: Oh it's goin' good. I don't like to say anything bad about the people at "Get in the Ring." but I don't know if you've heard their last little show. They were makin' fun of us, and they were making fun of you. They said that "Blade Braxton" actually translated literally meant RD's bitch.

Blade: What can I say, man? They're just jealous of me, that's all. They can only wish to be as reaking of coolness as I.

RD: Yes, you're definitely reaking
Blade: Yeah, yes.
RD: of coolness. Yes, yes.

Blade: And of course, they got their book out, but they're only following the footsteps of the man, the ECW Press guru, yourself.

RD: Yeah, that stuff's all so silly, but I'm glad we're gonna get a chance, you and I, to do the "Get in the Ring" show and kinda run that the way we see fit. And we've got a stellar show lined up over there. The first of which is going to be our first guest -- I think I've talked to you, over with you -- it's actually going to be Cheatum, the One-Eyed Midget.

Blade: Oh yes. Now that is only the kind of quality that myself and mister RD can bring to the table, man. I mean, how often do you get to talk to midgets?

[ 02:07 Cheatum]
RD: I can't wait for it because there's a lot of questions I want to ask, like what was he thinking right when he put a bomb on Sting's boat; what was going through his mind, why, what was behind the "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal;" why did he want that wheel to be spun. I mean, you look at somebody's life, and I mean, he really, you watch that footage, he was into it, he was into that wheel being spun

Blade: Hey man, he's a bizarre little kid, man.
RD: He's bizarre, and I want to know what he's doin' in retirement.
Blade: I wanna know why he's not on WWE right now, man.

[ 02:43 potential Gooker Award nominees]
RD: Speaking of that, and Cheatum, our good friend who we'll be talking about, I mean he's been inducted in what I call The Unholy Trilogy in the early days of WCW. But as we're looking around, I had a lot of people that I get emails about all the time, and I'm sure you do too, that are asking me -- The Gooker Award is the big year-end award for WrestleCrap, what is the worst angle, what is the worst character, that we have seen all year. And I've been thinking about it, and man have we been getting nailed left and right with just a lot of horrible gimmicks.

Blade: Ah, most definitely, man. I was a little worried; things were a little thin at the beginning of the year. It was like there's got to be a forced Gooker.

[ 03:33 "Maude"]
RD: Well I knew whenever they announced that the "Diva Search 2" was going to be taking place,
Blade: Right there we had a winner automatically.
RD: We had a winner, but to be honest, I have found that to be not so funny it's bad, it's just so bad it's bad

Blade: Yeah, it's kinda like... being forced to watch a rerun of "Maude." Yeah, it's not like it's the worst thing ever, but it's something you just don't wanna do.

RD: "Maude?" Jesus, I think I'm on the phone with Heenan doin' the "Quincy" jokes. Yeah, yeah, "Maude." That'll-- let's make references to a 1970s show that probably half the people listening to this broadcast, they probably just stopped their player right now.
Blade: What can I say? I'm infatuated with Bea Arthur. Now let me hop back in my time machine and go back to 2005, sir.

[ 04:35 "Diva Search 2"]
RD: But the "Diva Search" -- okay, I'll go back there with ya -- it hasn't even been funny. There's been like no comedy.
Blade: It's just there. Although you can't go wrong with trying to script a couple of bimbos for a few of their little accidental pop-outs and all that stuff, but it's just lack of the Hemme power of the last one.

RD: Well, I was disappointed because the one girl, and here's the thing -- and I brought this up on the site countless times. There's so many of these women, and I have no idea who any of them are. I don't even know-- there are people on the show from the last "Diva Search" and I have no clue who they are, except for Christy Hemme, and the rest of them, I have no idea who they are. And this is what makes me sad, is there was one girl who was making the show-- making the "Diva Search" kinda fun, and it was the girl -- remember the really clumsy girl? And she couldn't do anything and she'd trip all the time -- remember she tried to strip and she couldn't even strip.
Blade: Oh, I've tried to block it all out of my mind, but I remember there was one who imitated Ric Flair.
RD: Yeah.
Blade: It just seems like they cloned a bunch of blondes that all look the same and just tossed them out there.

[ 06:00 RD's advice to potential Divas]
RD: Yeah. Well, I have a little free advice. I'm sure there are probably some very attractive women listening to our broadcast right now.
Blade: Oh?

RD: Okay, so that's a total lie. But I want to make this joke anyway.
Blade: Okay.
RD: Thank you, so let's just go under the assumption that
Blade: To the handful of "Playboy" models that are out there listening, make your joke.
RD: If you're going to go into this "Diva Search" thing, I'm just going to give you some free advice. If you don't know how to strip, don't go to the "Diva Search." You're not going to win.
Blade: Yes.
RD: If you're so clumsy you can't even walk up steps, you're not going to win.
Blade: But you might win something here at WrestleCrap.
RD: You might.
Blade: Who knows the countless Shockmaster jokes that have endured for the past fifteen-some years.
RD: That's right. When you're the Shock-- if your role model is the Shockmaster, you're not going to win the "Diva Search."
Blade: Right, right.

[ 07:00 The Word Game ]
RD: And there's other stuff. We were raggin' on the "Diva Search," but there's a lot of other stuff horrible out there too. I'm just going to throw out a name, The Word Game, where I give a name, and you pick-- you tell me what you're thinkin'.
Blade: Okay.
RD: So
Blade: I don't know if you want to know exactly everything I'm thinkin'. I'm not in the best state of mind right now, but
RD: Well, I'm just going to throw out a name and just see what you think.
Blade: Okay.
RD: And you can say if it's WrestleCrap, if you like it, if you don't like it, whatever.
Blade: Wha--
RD: Kerwin White
Blade: Kind of amusing. Although, has he even been on the show lately?

[ 07:45 RD's TiVo refused to record "RAW" ]
RD: Yeah, he was on. Ooh, it was great. They had this awesome segment -- I think it was last week -- and I'm going to be fair, I'm going to be honest with everybody. I'm not going to try to swerve anybody. That's not RD's gimmick: to swerve the people. I don't do that. I did not watch most of "RAW" this week, and I'll tell you why. Every week, I TiVo "RAW," okay? That way, I can fast-forward through the commercials and everything else, and I can just watch it at my leisure.
Blade: Leisure.
RD: At my leisure. This week, I swear to god, "RAW," that the TiVo has recorded every single week since I got my TiVo like two years ago, TiVo just decided not to record it. I wonder if this is a sign.
Blade: It could be a sign... when you've got technology revolting against the product.
RD: Yeah. It decided to record "Dr. No," which may be a better choice.
Blade: Could be. Can't go wrong with a little Connery in your life, man.
RD: Oh, I'mma jump on Connery here in just a second.
Blade: Uh oh. I'm sure you always wanted to.

[ 09:00 Rob Conway, Tim Conway, and Don Knotts ]
RD: Speaking of Connery, what do you think of
Blade: Speaking of jumping on old men.
RD: which this guy might do it, what do you think of the Con man?
Blade: Makes me want to put on a copy of "YMCA" and, or, well, maybe not.

RD: I love it that his catchphrase is he's gonna do things the con way. Here's what I'm thinkin': he should keep using the con way and then should bring out Tim Conway
Blade: Yeah, you need some Dorf. He'd fit right in with all those other midgets they threw out there recently.

RD: That, or
Blade: Wait a minute, that right there, you've got Tim Conway as Dorf, you're rippin' off Darsow again.
RD: Yeah, the golfer.
Blade: The golfer. You could have Darsow come out there and destroy everybody.
RD: I think that the Con man, who I know that his name is Rob Conway but henceforth we should refer to him as Tim Conway, he should form a little clique. And you know what they'd be?
Blade: Uh
RD: The Apple Dumpling Gang. Okay, so who is Don Knotts to

Blade: Is he still alive?
RD: Don Knotts? Is he no longer with us? I didn't even know he was sick.

Blade: I don't know.

RD: Our condolensces to Don Knotts, whether he's alive or dead. I don't know.
Blade: Hey, it's been a good career. So let's mention a few more people in their seventies, Deal.

RD: It's all seventies all the time here on WrestleCrap Radio.

Blade: So, you think Verne Gagne is gonna drop the belt?

RD: I think he probably still does have it.

RD: You and I have been talking and we're thinking about, okay, who can we have on this WrestleCrap Radio. We're going to have Cheatum on when we takeover "Get in the Ring" and that's goinna be hot, and we can ask him what he thought of Dorf.
Blade: Oh!

RD: That'd be great. By that point, I'll find out if Don Knotts is alive or dead... 'cause that's important. That's important here at WrestleCrap. If anybody is still listening to this, I just have to ask you why. How did we get on Don Knotts? You know, whenever I first came up with this idea of doing WrestleCrap Radio, I never thought the initial airing, our initial show, we'd be talking about Bea Arthur and the life status of Don Knotts. It was never in the plan, this is totally unscripted, folks.
Blade: Yeah.
RD: Believe us
Blade: Believe us, we didn't plan to do this.
RD: I have my little list of things we're going to cover. Don Knotts is not on that list.
Blade: But at least we got somethin' to work on next week. We'll be looking for the whereabouts of Joyce DeWitt.

RD: I loved her.
Blade: (chuckles)

[ 12:14 Kerwin White talks to Vince McMahon ]
RD: Hey, okay, let's at least try and segue back into wrestling. Supposedly that's what this show is about. But I guess it's not. It shouldn't be called WrestleCrap Radio, it should just be called Crap Radio.

Blade: I thought that's what it was called anyway. That's what it'll be called next week.

RD: So, Kerwin White, not Betty White, Kerwin White. I wanna talk about him. I don't want to talk about any more '70s stars, you know, Tom Wolpat or anybody.
Blade: Okay, I got it.
RD: Kerwin White, get it together. This is a professional show we're doing here.
Blade: You are correct sir.

RD: Very professional. Hey, okay, we were talkin' about Kerwin White. You said, "what was he on," and that's when I went into this whole segue about how I didn't watch "RAW" this week. But last week, he was on the show and had the greatest-- he met up with Vince McMahon. He was askin' him, oh, "do you know any good realtors in Greenwich?" And Vince said, "I can't relate to the middle class." And I thought boy that's like the truest statement.
Blade and RD: ( laugh )

RD: That's like the truest statement Vince has made in years.
Blade: That's funny.

RD: Because I don't know how many people out there know this, but everybody's complainin' about the writing staff and how bad the storylines have been and everything. Do you know how many writers they just hired? Have you heard this... how many writers they've just hired?
Blade: Twenty-five?

RD: They just hired twelve writers, and I swear to god I'm not making that up. I mean, what the hell did they do? Did they just go down to McDonald's, "oh yeah, you make good fries, come on, you're gonna be writin' for us."
Blade: Hey, why can't we be writin' for them?
RD: 'Cause we'd be scripting Betty White appearances, and Bea Arthur, and a Golden Girls reunion or something.
Blade: It can't be worse than scripting a woman with a fake tumor on the side of her face.

[ 14:22 Jillian Hall ]
RD: Jillian Hall, I don't understand that at all. Because it doesn't look like, they're making jokes like it's a mole at all.
Blade: It looks like
RD: It looks like fake vomit, like the fake vomit you get at a novelty store
Blade: Yeah, like Spencer's
RD: like Spencer's.

Blade: Yeah. If you're going to get somethin' from Spencer's and superglue it to someone's face, why not at least... a SpongeBob SquarePants action figure or something.
RD: I think anything. It's so blatantly obvious where somebody-- you can tell somebody just saw "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and that's where they come up with their jokes. So I think we need to start thinking about what shows, what movies should WWE writers watch to start stealing ideas from.
Blade: In keeping with WWF's themes, they'd have to be about five years old.
RD: I was gonna say "Revenge of the Nerds."
Blade: Oh yeah.

RD: I'd be all over a Lamar Latrell
Blade: Oh most definitely
RD: with his limp-wristed punching style.

Blade: By the way, that is the third man you said you'd be all over in the past twenty minutes. You're startin' to scare me.
RD: I do have a child on the way. I'm not gay.
Blade: Not that there's anything wrong with that
RD: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Blade: might I add.

RD: Not that there's anything wrong with that. But no, I don't get that Jillian Hall thing at all. I need someone to explain to me what that's even supposed to accomplish.
Blade: Uh... uh, that's all I can say about that.

[ 15:53 The Boogeyman ]
RD: Yeah, speaking of gross
Blade: Yes sir.

RD: I don't know if -- I think I forwarded you the photos. He has not made his appearance on WWE TV yet. But he has been on OVW. The Boogeyman.
Blade: The soon to be legendary Boogeyman.

RD: The Boogeyman. I can't wait for that guy to appear. I don't know if anybody has seen the pictures, and hopefully if I have a brain I'll post a picture of him on the site this week. He is the guy from, he was on "Tough Enough," he was on this last season of "Tough Enough." He is a big black guy, just muscular, just looked like a badass. He looked great, he looked the part, he cut this killer promo, and they asked him how old he was. And he said he was thirty. And then they asked him again and he said, "I'm thirty." And they asked him again and he said, "I'm thirty." And they asked him again and he said, "Okay, I'm forty." And then, do you remember this?
Blade: Yes
RD: What did they say when he goes, "Okay I'm telling the truth, I'm really forty," what did, I don't even remember who it was?
Blade: You'll have a job in five years. Come back in five years. I don't know. What did they say?
RD: They said, "We don't like liars."
Blade: Oh ( scoffs )
RD: So any of you out there looking for a job with the WWE, keep that in mind. They don't like liars.
Blade: Yeah.
RD: That was the best comment until Vince said that he didn't relate to the middle class.

Blade: That's comment of the year there. But back to the Boogeyman and the picture you're talking about
RD: Big horns.
Blade: The horns,
RD: mm-hmm
Blade: Yeah, you know, I miss Mantaur, so.

RD: I saw those horns and I didn't think of Mantaur, I thought about the Barbarian. Remember when he used to come out with the antlers? And I always loved it when Heenan was on commentary he would talk about how he went and he beat up a deer... with his bare hands to get those antlers. I'm thinking there's your intro vignette.
Blade: Yeah.
RD: The Barbarian beatin' up a deer, Bambi's dad.
Blade: "Bambi Meets Barbarian"
RD: "Bambi Meets The Barbarian"
Blade: There you go. Forget about, ah, never mind, keep myself under composure here.

[ 18:18 Heidenreich, Animal, and WCW's Mystery Man]
RD: How about, would you care to, we're still talking about potential Gooker nominees for the year.
Blade: Anything else cross your mind?

RD: How about the new "SmackDown" world tag team champions? I can't even believe I'm saying champion and John Heidenreich in the same sentence.
Blade: That's a sign of why your TiVo has revolted.
RD: And Animal, who looks like he ate Jim Neidhart.
Blade: ( laughs )

RD: Okay, there's who, you know, I love Jim Neidhart, I always thought he was just great. And remember when he wore the big baggy pants?
Blade: Oh, the High Energy pants?
RD: Yes, I'm thinking, right there, instead of Heidenreich teaming up with Animal, I think if he teamed up with Koko... and they came out wearing the big baggy pants and the suspenders.

Blade: That would be awesome. Of course, seems how Hawk's gone, I always wished that they would, in keeping with the LOD theme, had maybe
RD: Heidenreich fall off the TitanTron? I'd be all for that.
Blade: Yeah, most definitely.
RD: Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Blade: No, it's okay. It may be a good thing you did 'cause the horrors I was about to unleash are not meant to be heard by man. Speaking of animals,
RD: The whores? We're unleashing whores?

Blade: Better than unleashing Bea Arthur. But anyway, I thought Animal was out of it when he used to dress up like a bumblebee five years ago on WCW.
RD: That wasn't, was that Animal?

Blade: I think it was everybody.

RD: I remember that because one week Rick Steiner-- no, no, no, no, no, it was the Mystery Man from WCW and if you've read "The Death of WCW," you'll know we talked about this, but -- and god, why have I not inducted WCW's Mystery Man?
Blade: Yeah
RD: Ugh, next update I really need to induct that.
Blade: Yeah.
RD: Basically it looked like somebody, some fourth grader, was trying to make a bumblebee outfit with a trashbag and some electrical tape. And then he was masked and he would attack people. One week he attacked Rick Steiner. And the next week, they unmask him. And it was Rick Steiner.

Blade: Ah, just, god I miss those days.
RD: I really miss WCW.... I don't know about you. Here's what I bet: no one's gonna miss this show.

Blade: There may be a few of those good looking models out there that listen to this show, they'd miss it.
RD: That we're giving great career advice to.
Blade: Yeah, they'll miss it, and a few other loyal die hards on the message board might miss it.

RD: Well I tell you what folks, we are going to work on this. You haven't heard the last of WrestleCrap Radio, as frightening as that may be. As frightening as that may be, we're gonna come back next week.

Blade: I promise I'll get some sleep before I do it next time.

RD: It'll be better... maybe, with 150% more 1970s television star references. I'm thinkin' maybe a Dana Plato and a Gary Coleman.
Blade: Yeah, and if you're not down with that, sit on it!

RD: And on that note, we're
Blade: Jumping the shark
RD: Yeah, that's amazing because I think we jumped the shark the first show. That has to be a record.
Blade: Well, we had a good first five minutes.
RD: It was a fabulous first five minutes. So anyway, guys and "Playboy" models out there listening to our golden tones, this is RD Reynolds and his crony, Blade Braxton, signing off, and we will see you all in seven days.

[ Outro ]

No comments: