179 The Hands of Foot: July 16, 2010

61 minutes

The big news these days: Dixie Carter is pining for Paul Heyman to come visit and be yet another attempt to improve TNA. I just shake my head in sad disbelief.

You know what's even worse than that though? RD is still working on the DVD. Remember when I said that it would be released in August? You know, that was meant to be a joke.

Also you know Blade is drunk when he constantly interrupts RD as he relates that he dreamed he was singing to the music of a defunct amusement park ride. Quote Blade: "I just don't think people are enjoying this as much as they used to." Oh, and Angry Marks have sent new ad copy. (:14)

:17 Blade describes in detail his TRIP with a companion to see Cinderella in concert. Hilarity ensues.

:23 News. (That word sounds so funny by itself, doesn't it.) The Midnight Rose turned face at last week's wrestling appearance, dancing merrily at his side's victory. Blade shows him footage of this as RD tries to separate his alter-ego from his Co-Host. Sad News however: during all this reveling he split his pants, which for some reason made him unable to compete in the Battle Royale...or so he says. RD rightfully calls him a wuss.

:29 Gene "Boba Foot" Snitsky is said to be in the sequel of all things to the legendarily bad movie "Manos" The Hands Of Fate, called The Search For Valley Lodge. This thus makes Blade try to insert Star Wars into the discussion. Will Heidenreich also star? (My guess is he would be the Master, always sodomizing Torgo and his wrestling wives who stand around in his backyard.) [Then he could kill the babies as his wives got pregnant and spend the whole movie claiming it wasn't his fault. Why are we not writing the Script for this? - "Showstealer"] The duo see both wrestlers in a promo to judge for themselves, which seems to have the two grunting heavily while reciting bad dialogue. Perhaps their 'idea' is one that Popeye would greatly approve of.

As for this Manos sequel, I don't really think it's a good idea. (And no, I'm not Clarence, so this isn't his Thoughts from the Office.) Sure, all these bad movies are often charming because of their badness...but trying to 'replicate' that in a 'sequel' seems inauthentic and a tacky way to keep the movie alive in public consciousness. If you really feel like watching it when/if it's actually made is the thing for you, I have three alternatives for you instead:

  1. Watch the original movie, or at least the famous Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of it. Love it or hate it, it doesn't really hurt to - well, the movie does hurt in its badness, but at least the short before it is a barrel of laughter. "We're gonna run this business the way my old man taught me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!" 
  2. Watch the quite good documentary Hotel Torgo / Torpocalypse Now, which concerns the making of the movie in question, or:
  3. Watch this looping clip of Torgo shuffling around for 90 minutes while playing his haunting Theme.

 You're welcome.

Let's move on. Scott Hall is 'very ill' with pneumonia. (:41) Let us hope it is just a minor thing and he gets well soon.

RD is too lazy to answer any actual Questions this week (though I won't blame him of course, with his DVD editing and all), so he instead indirectly advertises his new item: Mike Check T-Shirts. Speaking for myself, that is BRILLIANT. I'm definitely going to buy one of those for myself. A warning though before you go ahead and buy one (and you really should); they're only available in XL or XXL. He also promises that he may return prizes for Questions through his authored books, which you may recall is something he originally did when he first started this progrem all those years ago.

Also, RD still hasn't given a name for the man's daughter. Speaking of people who don't have a name either...

:49 Blade gets a knock on his door as Sir Alec - I mean, Caruso, enters to do his part of TNA News man. But why does he have to physically come up to Kansas to do it? It's a long way from Florida. Also, if they really wanted to bring his 'personality' on the show, they should come up with a more original name. So of course I'll just give him one instead (like I did with his predecessor). From here on out I shall call him John Kelly, named after his character on NYPD Blue. (Also check out Kelly's Wikipedia 'page'. Apparently the only good picture they could find for it was one from CSI. Heh.)

So Caruso - I mean, John Kelly - is yet again on TNA's case. Wow, that thing is a serial killer! He calls RD 'Frank' (From LA?) It seems Victoria is returning to TNA after taking a hiatus sometime ago. That's all we get. Not even his quip is good enough, the slacker. Then he leaves Blade's house without even closing the door. Despite this, RD still thinks he's the best TNA guy they've had.

:53 News. (See? Funny.) RD is heartened by the fact that Triple H had surgery. "Hunter is getting older," he notes. In other news the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's all the News we get.

Dixie Carter. Paul Heyman. Seventeen syllables please.
TNA's new plan.
More shit we didn't need back:
ECW.

At the last minute Jim Ross calls in, angered at his voice being removed from the beginnings of RAW.
Jim: Who in the hell wouldn't want to hear my voice every week?
RD: Ahhh, us.

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