191 Ripped from the Headlies: January 21, 2011


WrestleCrap is new and improved! Now where have I heard that one before?

There's been a newest change to site in over seven years, and it's NOT the return of the Jobber Of The Week. On the top of the main page is a 'LiFi Scanner' that posts random words and phrases strung together into sentences to make what is commonly referred to as a 'joke' from a Twitter account, with no other articles or sources related to said Tweets, which would be semi-frequently updating until the random headline generator behind it stops working or the figure behind the account gets bored of the whole ordeal. (And no, it's not me.) From that, (in all seriousness very fine young eggs) Justin Henry and Sean Carless and Catherine Perez make 'humorous' wrestling related 'newz' in the form of WrestleCrap Headlies. Personally, that is about as clever as someone having the pen name of "Topsy Kretts".

So essentially WrestleCrap is trying its hand to be the Onion of the wrestling world/IWICK. (An OnionTrolla perhaps?) This isn't a bad thing of course, as both the Onion and the A.V. Club are really great sites. But only the Emperor knows how successful this experiment may last. Hmmm, I wonder...

Fresh from the LiFi Scanner: John Cena is set to star as Ultramarines Chapter Master Marneus Calgar in the newest upcoming release from WWE Studios: The (Space) Marine 3: The Ultramarine. The former WWE World Champion said he looked forward to expand his acting abilities for the role, which is also set to star Triple H as the God-Emperor of Mankind. Reports that Randy Orton would play the part of a still unannounced main villain and that Hornswaggle was to play the hero's comic relief sidekick were as yet unconfirmed.

Heh, I'll admit that writing stuff like that IS fun. I wonder if this very site would be linked as an official source of wrestling news to the site now.

What isn't fun though is some Sad News, as we are reminded of John Kelly's 'departure' from the show last week due to an exhaustion of bad puns for Blade to try and fumble through. Blade's next replacement for the TNA reporting: his own mailman. Well that could be convenient; he could just mail his news in every week. Hah, I'm on a roll! Blade is also still confused about RD's Swear Jar.

:25 Random discussions about the Colts prevail. Blade's grade school constantly gave children erections. Well of course, knowing how frequently teachers seduce their wards...RD mercilessly needles him on this, forcing Blade to apologize. Anyway, Bart's Red Cream Soda has returned to RD's Meyers. Is Loroza's Pizza next?

:35 Dustin "Screech" Diamond is now booking himself for wrestling. Hey, anyone remember when he was on Hogan's celebrity wrestling? Or anything about Hogan's celebrity wrestling nonsense thing at all? Yeah, me neither. Torrie Wilson is now reduced to pushing some drug-like workout supplement with the very bad name of Diva Trim. The only thing we learn from it for sure is that Blade is so drunk he can't say the word supplement. There's some very small film footage for Trish Stratus's upcoming film Bail Enforcers, wherein she hits some criminal with a garbage can lid. On the other hand, it IS better than that god-damned trailer for The Chaperone, which was so bad that WWE tried to pull it off the interwebs.

:50 B.M. Punk calls in. His major complaint this time is that John Kelly very much sounded like him. Wow, how very meta. He also reports on Tammy Sytch's poop problems on Facebook. Shouldn't Satan be the one calling in for this? Social networking sites ARE his domain after all.

:55 Ultimate Kennedy (11) has a rather simple Question of a skinnier Vickie Guerrero on TV. Odd Christmas gifts are discussed.

The mailman didn't show up. I have a worrying feeling he's going to sound like Peter Gazer.

:59 Randy Savage is in promos for WWE's upcoming All-Stars video game, giving opportunity for Nintendo John to call. For some reason his Audience is suffering from slow reaction times.

The Royal Rumble is changing itself by adding 10 more jobbers for a total of 40 combatants. Wow, that's not a wrestling match, that's a fucking raid group in vanilla World Of Warcraft. Forget trying to handle the Twin Emperors in the ring, I wonder how they'll be able to fit them inside. They're gonna need a bigger boat, is what I'm thinking.

Seventeen Syllables:
Forty Man Rumble.
Wrestling bores me so much now
I'll need a Forty.

Blade owes RD $2.25 for this week, for a combined total of $9.25 from last week.

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