The Unkindest Tut of All
October 19, 1967
"King Tut has been predicting crimes, then secretly making sure they
happen in order to gain the police's confidence. He hopes to then send
them on a false lead while he commits the crime of the century. After
failing an attempt to discover Batman's true identity, he gives his
biggest prediction - a jailbreak of several super criminals. While the
entire police force is sent to the penitentiary, Tut nabs a collection
of priceless Egyptian scrolls from the Gotham City Library. The scrolls
contain the key to an ancient statue, rumored to give its possessor
control of the universe."
67 minutes
RD: Ersatz Batman. Vince had no idea what that means. He again wasn't sure what to make of the episode.
Vince does not have a gong. He has other sounds for that.
Narrator: " Sunday afternoon in Gotham City. A day of rest for everyone, including crime-fighters...or so it seems."
Bruce and Barbara are driven by Alfred in a Town Car to the most exciting of places: an accordion recital.
Barbara: "There's nothing I like better than hearing Lady of Spain played eight times."
RD: "I understood the words she was saying. I did not understand those words linked together."
Barbara: "Daddy's been wanting us to get better acquainted for some time now."
The Bros have concerns, since she is a 20-something recent university graduate, while this Bruce is in his late 30s to early 40s. I'm not one to judge relationship differences like this too much, but it certainly doesn't fit with Batman's confirmed and actual relationship with her as a fellow crime-fighter (not to mention he already has Catwoman and Talia Al-Ghul in his life as it is).
Vince: "Maybe Commissioner Gordon is looking to open up an ice skating ring, and he is looking for some free advice from Millionaire Bruce Wayne."
RD: "I think old Gordo wants to suck off the teat of rich Uncle Bruce."
Bruce: "Time passes very swiftly with pleasant company. Would you like to watch the television news broadcast together?"
Barbara: "That's why the shades are drawn, isn't it?"
RD: "Was Alfred up in the front seat looking in the rear view mirror going "hmmm, boy, they're really going at it"?"
Vince: "This whole thing is very awkward."
Thankfully we have King Tut to cut away to on the 'television news broadcast'. (:11) He has been predicting crimes, which unsurprisingly have been ignored by the police "those sometime guardians of your life and property." Though that's probably less their not believing the word of a criminal and more being incompetent in actually doing their job.
"With that in mind, here is my third prognostication. Andrew's Hockey Puck Factory on West 20th will be robbed before I finish my next sentence."
Dick has to answer the Batphone at Stately Wayne Manor. He buzzes Bruce's "wristwatch alarm" before he and Barbara can do something more arousing like talk about the weather (while the curtains are still drawn). Bruce excuses himself to go to a meeting for his Foundation. Barbara asks to be dropped off at her beauty salon nearby.
With her gone, Bruce calls back, which turns on a blinking lamp in the study that was never seen before.
Dick: "Commissioner Gordon called. Our friend the Yale professor was hit by a brick at a love-in."
Unless it was an Egyptian themed one I do not want to know what he was doing in one.
After the titles we go to...Gordon's Office? Say it ain't so! O'Hara tells the Duo Tut has situated himself in a tent on a vacant lot. So off the Duo go. End scene.
Narrator: "Shortly thereafter in King Tut's current habitat, the scurrilous scalawag is plying his newfound trade to an interested assemblage."
The tent is of course a large frame tent in the studio parking lot on the outside, and is of course a large sound stage on the inside. Tut is fanned by his lady Shirley, who has a rather cartoonish New York accent. He is in the midst of praying for another "prediction" to an onlooking gathering as the Duo burst in.
Tut: "In the name of everything that's nasty, give me your answer, do!"
Batman: "Come off it, Tut. Your predictions are nothing but phony, fatuous flimflam."
Tut: "Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut, Nabob of the Nile, Moon God of Thoth, and stuff like that? By the instep of Ramses, I'll have his head!"
Batman: " This is all part of some dastardly trick, Tut. Why don't you come with me and let us have your head examined?"
Tut (drawing a sword): "Stand back, you Caped Crumbum. I'm now on your side of the law now!"
Shirley: "He is! He's on all sides of the law!"
Tut: "In less than one hour, the box office at the Soccer Stadium will be robbed. As a citizen of Gotham City, I would like to see that crime thwarted. This town can be a better, safer place to live."
Shirley: "I just love better, safer places to live. Ha!"
Tut: "Whether or not you care to act on this information is of little consequence, my Dynamic Dum- Dums. I have cleared my conscience by reporting to the law. The rest is up to you."
Batman: "Let's go, Robin."
Robin: "You mean you really believe him?"
Batman: "Robin, the Constitution provides that a man is innocent until proven guilty. And the Constitution is the cornerstone of our great nation. We must abide by it."
Robin: "Gosh, when you put it that way, Batman, how can I help but agree?"
Actually that doesn't appear anywhere in the document. Perhaps Batman was the one who got hit in the head with a brick?
With the Duo gone, "Tutsy-poo" dismisses the crowd so he can reveal his plan to Shirley, as obvious as it may be: he will eventually distract Batman and the police on a "wild flamingo chase" while he gets what he really wants.
Sure enough the Duo find the stadium's box office being robbed, which must seriously hurt the announced Doves and Hawks match. (:22)
Robin: "Give up without a struggle, we'll make things easier for you."
Batman: "If not, you may be severely pummeled about the head and shoulders."
So they struggle via fight, dur-
Narrator: "Meanwhile, a seemingly innocent idle bystander is neither innocent nor idle."
This is probably the first time he cuts in during a fight like this.
Anyway, the bystander hides a tracking device on the Batmobile.
The Undynamic Duo arrive just as the bout has already been settled.
Batman: "Your timing, as usual, is flawless, Commissioner."
At the tent, Tut takes a look through his BatTutscope which looks exactly like a Batscope, which he uses to track the Batmobile to the Batcave. His goon Nubis (not Anubis, unless he too took a blow to the head) reads off coordinates (Tut: "Carry the four"), that place the Batcave east of the meridian instead of west, placing it in...northeastern Turkey.
The city of Batman is south of that.
Tut: " Oh, I'll be a son of a Byzantine king! Do you know where that is?"
Shirley: "The zoo?"
Tut: "The Batcave is directly under Stately Wayne Manor."
Shirley: "That means that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same and one."
Alfred is out shopping ("to take advantage of the specials" so Bruce has to answer the normal phone which is of course Tut asking for Batman.
Dick: "Holy heart failure!"
Tut: "Come off it, you Caped Cockamamie. You're also Batman. And Tut's gonna tell it to the whole world at a press conference tomorrow."
Bruce: "Batman will make you look like a fool. He and I have met."
Tut: "Balderdash, say I! Stuff and nonsense and phooey! The only way you'll convince me that Batman and Bruce Wayne are not the same person is let me see them both simultaneously."
Shirley: "Or both at the same time, whichever comes first."
Like me RD gets distracted when going grocery shopping and buys so many random things.
After the commercial break the Duo find the tracking device as they try to figure out an answer. RD was expecting BatAlfred.
This "press conference" the next day is at the tent. Tut posits to the gathered reporters that Batman is in fact Bruce Wayne. (:30)
Bruce: "I sincerely appreciate the compliment, King Tut. I'm not so sure whether Batman would. Why don't you tell him? He's just outside."
Sure enough he and Robin are just sitting in the Batmobile.
Bruce: "Tut, why don't you forego this foolishness and submit yourself for observation? Once rehabilitated, I'm sure you will become a valuable member of the community."
Tut: "He's Batman, all right. Who else in this present-day dynasty could be that square?"
Batman: "Goodbye, everybody. Robin and I must pursue our relentless war against evil."
Barbara (watching at home): "You have to admit it, Charlie, the chance of Bruce Wayne being Batman was a very long shot. I can't think of two more obviously opposite people."
Tut: "Agh. It is written: "He who knows he has lost has had it.""
He immediately goes into "phase two": steal some Egyptian scrolls from the Library. "For hidden somewhere within them is the secret of the whereabouts of a statue hidden since the age of Imhotep. Whoever possesses it, my Aswan damsel, possesses the universe."
Shirley: "That's a lot of land."
Tut: "Mama told me to pick a nice Egyptian girl."
Back in the Batcave Alfred comes down a Batpole. (:36)
Robin: "Wow, you came down that pole like a pro, Alfred. I bet you always wanted to do that."
Alfred: "Indeed I have, Master Robin, but once is enough. Next time I'll use the elevator and leave the Batpoles to you."
But no, he was not BatAlfred today. Instead Batman used a ventriloquist dummy.
Batman: "Any problem with the ersatz Batman, Robin?"
Vince: "Can we be clear that this ersatz Batman looked nothing like the Batman in the Batmobile?"
Robin: "Holy Gemini, it worked great."
Batman: "It's the same principle as a dummy, Alfred. I used my pocket Bat-synchronizer to operate the lips, throw in a bit of ventriloquism. No one was the wiser. Batmobile drove itself after being programmed to stop at red lights and intersections. Alfred, would you put my twin brother in the Bat-Dummy closet please?"
The Batphone rings.
Gordon: "King Tut has predicted another crime."
Batman: " The charlatan!"
Gordon: "He insists all available police surround Gotham City Penitentiary as a massive escape is in the offing. Certain forces will attempt to spring Penguin, Riddler, Egghead, and the Siren."
Batman: "Get your men out there. We can't afford to take chances."
Gordon: "But that means the remainder of Gotham City is wide-open for evildoers."
Batman: "Robin and I will protect the balance of the populace."
Gordon: "Eight million people?" (Emphasis mine, it's as large as New York today)
Batman: "Trust me."
Gordon: "Of course, Batman."
Of course Barbara has overheard all this, given that she hasn't done much so far (except wear a nice yellow dress while listening to Lady of Spain another 20 times consecutively).
Barbara (to Charlie): "If the quote he quoted is the quote I think he quoted, I may just have figured out Tut's entire plot. It was a mistake only an Egyptian bibliophile would have noticed. Lucky I'm an Egyptian bibliophile."
Narrator: "Luckily for us, she's an Egyptian bibliophile. And even luckier she's Batgirl, the supremely feminine scourge of all that is criminal."
In the Batcave the three also start coming to the same conclusion.
Batman: "There was something he said which may be a key to his ultimate caper."
Alfred: "Oh yes, I remember, sir."
Batman: "What's it all about, Alfred?"
(The legend states that after hearing the reference, Michael Caine committed to acting so that he too could try playing Alfred 40 years later.)
Alfred: "It was to the effect that a man who knows when he has lost has had it."
Batman: ""Had it." Of course, it's staring us right in our masks, Robin. That quote is on line 769 of chapter 14, scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bold. One of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City Library."
So we once again go to the Library, hotspot of all criminal activity. (:45) The Duo run in just as Tut and goons run out. They can't follow because they have to rescue another librarian tied up there.
Batman: "She won't live a minute longer in that position, Robin."
So of course they stand around for a bit until they untie her.
Librarian: "They said you'd protect us, Batman!"
Robin: "Don't worry. We'll get those scrolls back."
Also Barbara is taking her "first day off in a month."
RD: "What kind of slave camp is she working at?"
Of course Batgirl beats the Duo to getting into the tent first, taking the opportunity to smirk in secret as Tut gloats about his steal to Nubis and other goon Osiris.
Tut: "Let's make tracks."
Batgirl: "The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary."
Tut: "You know, it's against my principles to beat up on ladies, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
She wins the round by tripping the two goons within three seconds.
Tut: "You know, I can always use a smart girl in my line of work. The ones I've had lately are rather inferior."
At this Shirley breaks a vase over Batgirl, knocking her out.
Tut: "Now, for the second time, let's make tracks."
Batman (arriving): "The only tracks you'll make are to the penitentiary."
Tut: "There's some sort of delayed echo in here."
At least this round of fighting lasts longer, allowing Tut's stunt double to take a large bump on his back.
Batman: "So it was you who blazed the trail."
Batgirl: "I was just doing my duty as a citizen."
Batman (lustily): "I like that kind of talk. Perhaps we could get together some evening and discuss crime-fighting techniques."
Batgirl: "No one knows where you live."
Batman: "Yes, that does constitute somewhat of a problem."
Cue another round of fighting, this time with Batgirl smiling and kicking. Tut's stunt double takes another bump head first through a table.
Batman: "Batgirl never stays around long enough for us to thank her."
Robin: "She's probably very modest."
RD: "No. If you look at the way she acts, I don't think this girl has a modest bone in her body."
Batman: "I wonder who she really is."
Batgirl: "I wonder who he really is."
Tut is taken to the Office, where Bruce is also for some reason. "I've lived a thousand years, so I'll live another thousand," Tut gloats since nobody remembered to just hit him in the head again. Barbara comes in.
Bruce: "I wonder if we could continue that date we interrupted this weekend."
Tut: "You mean you actually had a date with this socialite lump?"
Barbara: "Yes. Why?"
Tut: "Because he's so deadly dull!"
Outside, Milton Berle drives up in a lilac painted car while smoking a cigar. This prompts an officer to call Gordon.
Gordon: "You don't say. You don't say. You don't say."
Barbara: "Who was it?"
Gordon: "He didn't say."
Actually this was notice of Louie the Lilac in his Flowermobile. Bruce takes the cue to leave.
Tut: "That's what I said! He's gonna go straight to the Batcave and put on that corny blue outfit!"
Bruce: "Actually, I had something more mundane in mind, King Tut. I've had so much crime in the last two days, I don't care if I ever see it again."
Barbara: "Bruce Wayne's nice enough, Daddy. But he's certainly no Batman."
Tut: "You wanna wager a sphinx or two?"
The Bros thought the episode was alright. Tut will make one more appearance by the end of the season. He was originally supposed to be in the very next episode.
Shirley's exaggerated voice reminded RD of the rather obvious (and sadly timed parallel) of the recently passed Arlene Sorkin, the original Harley Quinn. He thinks 36 year young Patti Gilbert (as Shirley, not Harley) would have made a great voice actor if circumstances were different. (And she did, though only a couple of roles.) RD gives a "generous" 5.5 Batpoles. Vince gives her a 1.
Randy Savage had a time on QVC.
- Special Guest Villain: King Tut [4] (Victor Buono) [4]
- Screen Shares: 2. Vince, Vince
- RD Time Outs: 1 (Real Quick)
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