(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the Wrestlecrap Radio character.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)
How ya doin' tonight nerds!
I'm back from seeing the women’s rasslin at the London Olympics! There's nothing like watching two 78 kilo gals on top of each other grabbing...holds! If only Dark Journey was competing...I'd let her put my "leg" in her "lock"!
To make a quick "Pound", I set up "Jim's Olympic BBQ" stall; with the slogan: "Just like Usain Bolt, you can't beat my meat!" I hand-built a BBQ to look like the Olympic cauldron and re-branded my products to "Gold Medal Mustard", "The Clean & Beef Jerky” and "5 Rings Of Fire Hot Sauce"! It was selling well until that damn undercover cop, dressed in a mascot costume that looked like a hugh c**k, arrested me for selling Olympic branded merch without a permit! I tried to run but tripped and burned my ass on the grill!
I ended up in hospital (BTW my ass still hurts like hell, so if I read one Dr. Heiny joke I’ll set fire to your ****ing ass and see if you like it!) and met Sir Alec Heineken, who was there because he ****ed his back doing the Kama Sutra with his wife...that lucky b*****d! Since he's rich, I convinced him to help pay for my bail! But the b****ds still deported me! So thank ya Sir Alec, but the rest of ya Brits with your s**ty non-BBQ'd "Bangers and Mash", can Donald Duck yourselves!!
(R.V.M Kai's edit: JIIIM! It serves you right BTW, don't say I didn't warn you. But it was nice of Sir Alec to help you out. But did he also happen to help you with some tips to seduce your wife?)
Edit Edit: F*** yourself! And yes, he’s sending me a Kama Sutra Book and another erotic fan-fiction one to get her in the mood! I’m sure to be laid by Mailbag #4!
…So what do you the rest of you nerds want?
J, L asks: What do you think of Johnny Age leaving his post as VP of Talent Relations?
It’s about ****ing time! I kick myself everyday for giving his unemployed ass a job at WWE in the damn first place! After I stepped down as VP of Talent Relations, to concentrate on running my now defunct BBQ restaurant, he only got the gig because he kissed Vince’s ass! That incompetent raspy-voiced a**hole used his position to hire hosses and bimbos out of jerk mags (and try to **** my wife!) and the company's gone to the sh***er ever since!
Kyle Crow asks: Now don't go telling your wife to f**k herself to Triple H, she just might now...
No! Hunt's wife Steph would beat the s**t out of her if she knew! She’s tougher than a $2 steak! I wouldn’t even mess with that b***h...you should’ve seen the basketball-sized bruises on Paul E. after RAW 1000!
Ian Wallace-Cooper asks: What's your opinion of those absurd comments Kevin Nash made about smaller guys in the business?
Absurd?! Nash is right! You can't watch Porn with actors with small d***s! They should be at least the size of a 30 pound ham! And that's even if you're not gay...and I'm NOT (stop f***ing asking!)! Speaking of massive hams...my wife must be ****ing blind for not noticing MY 10 inch pork around the house!
(R.V.M Kai's edit: Um, I think you might of missed the point of his question Jim?)
Premier Blah asks: Is Hollywood John still working for you and not just taking joyrides on your lawnmower around town with it?
Yeah my lackey, Hollywood John, is still working for my BBQ & Gardening business. That sum b***h HAS been taking a joyrides on my damn lawnmower! I only found out because I discovered his feathered boa was stuck in the blades one morning! I whooped him live a Government Mule for that!
He also filled in for me on NXT last week so Vince didn't know I was gone; disguised in my hat and false beard! John does do a fine A.J.R. impression, but I still had to tell that dumbs**t 1000 times not to wear that ****ing feathered boa!
Iron Mark Tyson asks: Jim, what did AW mean about Kobe Bryant being Unstoppable in a Colorado hotel room?? He's at the London Olympics now?
What a f***ing mark!!
Greg Diener asks: Jim why can't you ever be happy? Why did you have to BBQ naked after Brother Midnight made you happy? But if you were "Happy Jim" why don't you create a happy JR account?!?!
1. Because you marks keep asking me these stupid questions for one!
2. I felt like it! Don’t knock it till you try it!
3. Happy Jim's Mailbag? How'd that look like?! "Hey I'm happy! Whoopdy ****ing do!"
…Ya know! Sir Alec's happy! He's rich and his wife actually ****s him! Maybe I could be more happy!........NAH! I'M ANGRY JIM! GO **** YOURSELVES!!
To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.