(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by former wrestling announcer Jim Ross & is NOT intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the character once heard on Wrestlecrap Radio.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: All views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do NOT reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com. But we do appreciate that, despite Jim being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself.)
How ya doin' tonight nerds?!
For any of you marks out there who haven't realized by now, I have retired from WWE. Let me emphasize to you nerds that I RETIRED I was NOT FIRED! Because all I've been reading on that Internet is bull**** spread by Dave Meltzer that I was pushed out the door for not controlling a drunk Ric Flair at the 2K Sports discussion panel. That hack has been spreading lies about me since he claimed that my BBQ sauce had salmonella poisoning! Then some marks on Twitter claimed that I was even drunk & then was fired by Vince because I told him to go **** himself! Firstly, just because I happened to be sitting next to Flair & a bottle of whiskey it doesn't mean I was drunk! Secondly, If Vince fired my *** for telling him to **** himself I would have been unemployed years ago (except for that time that jack*** fired me for my Palsy!) No! I retired because I'm just tired...of Vince ringing me a 4:30 in the morning & yelling at me over the phone to bring him a **** cup of coffee! Now he can shove that coffee up his ***!
Also because of this announcement, those two f*** cakes RD & Blade finally let me be on their show after not taking my calls for months! I talked about setting up my Amazon wishlist to make it easy for you nerds to buy your pal Angry Jim a retirement gift! Actually what I'm gonna do is re-wrap & re-gift them so I can keep my **** wife's ***** relatives happy for Christmas (you didn't actually think that the bong was for me, did ya?!)! Then Blade then even butchered a Kenny Rogers classic in tribute to me which s**ks ****** ****! Go **** yourselves!
Juan Seena asks : Is your fireworks stand still running? Did you have to fire Hollywood Jim Tatum because you not making money anymore?
Didn't you read my last mailbag you *****! I wrote that that **** idiot Hollywood John blew all the whole **** up! I told that ***** to hide the fireworks in the shed from the cops, who have been snooping around my place ever since I started selling that stuff! It was dark, so the he lit a match that set off the fire crackers & blew up my whole shed! The **** cops then arrested me, after they called the fire department, for selling illegal Mexican fireworks! That's bul****! But lucky for me, I was let off since the evidence went up in smoke, literally! And no! I'm not firing Hollywood John! I'm making that ***** work overtime to repay me for my shed!
And I'm still gonna make money because JR's BBQ is starting another venture & going into the "APP" business! With this thing, you can go on your phone & watch videos where I demonstrate "how to beat your meat" properly & "which sauce goes with which rub"! To download this thing you have to scan this square inkblot test thing (which for some reason looks like Johnny Age touching my wife's ***!)!
Hal O'Ween asks: Did you reopen the UWF Haunted House this year?
No, this year I built a WCW Chamber of Horrors, complete with a BBQ powered electric chair & Abdullah The butcher pretending to fry himself! I also got everyone I could who wasn't dead or would actually return my phone calls! I had Hollywood John dressed as The Shockmaster & Bill Watts there as Dracula! And since Sting couldn't make it, I had Barry Windham there dressed as Sting! I also invited Ric Flair, as The Black Scorpion, to do magic tricks for the kids. Unfortunately Ric was was drunk & the only trick he said wanted to perform was "Hide the Sausage"...on my wife! The police had to shut the place down after that **** Jim Herd came over to deliver some pizzas & got into a fight with Bill Watts (who almost "broke him in half"!) They also arrested Flair for indecent exposure, since he was strutting around with nothing but a mask on by that **** point!
Mike Rotch asks: Two part question: What did you do to the Queen when you were in England recently? And what would it take for you to be happy, F' your wife?
I was invited to *uckingham Palace to perform my one man show & they kicked me out for singing "God save the Queen"...but I didn't know that they didn't mean the Sex Pistol's song?! Even that Prince Phillip ****head took offense that I wanted to put some of my "Dry Rub" on his "Spotted Dick! Don't they know that you can't put that **** in your mouth without rubbing it first!
And what it would take me to be "happy" at this stage would be for; Dark Journey to **** me because there would be a larger chance of that fantasy happening than my wife ever wanting to **** anymore!? Or I don't know; maybe if you nerds actually bought a year supply of my BBQ sauce from me for Christmas, I might try to manage a smile?! Or you can go **** yourself! How 'bout that?!
"Zombie" Nathaniel asks: Mmmmm....BRAINS! Angry Jim, It's "Zombie" Nathaniel Edward Rodham Davis here...BRAINS!...& I wanted to know if...BRAINS!...if you're going to buy...BRAINS!...TNA: Total Non Stop Action from Dixie Carter...BRAINS!? The greatest Wrestling Company in the world!...BRAINS!
I don't know how you nerds start these d**n rumors?! I'm not buying TNA! All I said was that I wanted to buy a magazine featuring Dark Journey's T & A! But there are these rumors all over that Internet that this Billy Corgan guy is gonna but the company?! What would a **** musician know about running a rasslin' company? The only musicians Dixie should hire are Billy Gibbons & Dusty Hill from "ZZ Top" because their beards have more rasslin' knowledge than that ***** Dixie does!
And why do you keep mentioning brains!? You think you nerds are smarter than me?! go **** yourself!
Tex Dallas asks: How about I buy you some of this beer for Christmas Jim? It's better than your sauce which comes with a lot of health code violations when served.
Keep that ****! Who ever came up with that idea for p*** water can go **** themselves! And the only violation I'll serve is after I kick your *** & walk it dry! Boomer Sooner!
P.S. You know what else you can shove it up your a**?! This Mailbag! I'm now officially retired! Go **** yourselves!
[JIIIIM! ...no wait! Before you go there's one more letter for you... –RVM Kai]
Santa Claus asks: Ho Ho Ho! It's Santa Claus here bringing you some Yuletide cheer Jim! And I know why you are so angry & I blame myself. Many people think that your anger started from the time that your wife stopped having...er..."relations" with you five years ago (although it might be partly to blame; the reason why Santa's is so Jolly all year is thanks to Mrs Claus always being quite the "reindeer in the sack", if you know what I mean?). No, I think your anger all started from a mishap back on Christmas Eve 1960. When I was flying past Oklahoma that night, there was this small tornado that hit my sleigh which mixed up the presents. So instead of getting that toy BBQ set, complete with wooden smores, that you wanted, you ended up with someone else's skateboard under your Christmas Tree. You also unfortunately slipped over that skate board, because it was wet from the storm, & you landed on your face. Well Jim, I felt bad about this & wanted to make up for it...but unfortunately you were on the naughty list that following year, so I never did.
Anyway, since I have heard that you have retired & gone through so many mishaps in your life, I thought that it was time to finally give you the present that you always wanted. So on your back porch (I couldn't go down your chimney since it's surrounded by barbed wire to keep someone you call "Johnny Age (?)" away). I have left you your toy BBQ Set & another surprise that you will enjoy. So have a "Happy" Christmas Jim! Ho Ho Ho!
F*** yourself! There's nothing outside my....wait! By gawd, that's my toy BBQ set! You know, that Santa is not a bad guy after all! I've had this anger all my life all because I didn't get that stupid present when I was a kid! Well maybe it's time for me to be happy this Christmas! Maybe I'll actually do something romantic for my wife & even pay Hollywood John a Christmas Bonus this year! Maybe...wait what's in this wrapped up in the other package?! Let me see it's........a WET SKATEBOARD?!?! Why did that **** bring me this **** again?!?! Is this some kind of rib?!? The only ribs I like are the type that I can BBQ! This is ****!! Go **** yourself & shove Christmas up your a...............................................OUCH MY FACE!!!!
|Wait! I didn't mix up that Dark Journey|
magazine with that skateboard? *sigh*