Episode 81: Holy Clanking Crusaders!: March 5, 2023

Penguin Sets a Trend
February 1, 1967
"In order to keep a close eye on the Penguin (and hopefully locate the stolen chain mail armor), Batman and Robin rejoin Penguin's movie efforts. The next part of his film is to take place in medieval times. Therefore, Penguin has the Dynamic Duo dress in armor suits, but only to trap them with a giant magnet while he snatches top-secret papers from the Hexagon. Batman and Robin free themselves and follow the villain, but after a losing battle with him, the Penguin has them hauled off as scrap metal to be crushed."
63 minutes

RD Won't Resort to Mendacity. Vince has a subtitle of his own, being 30 Days to Opening Day. He always feels tired after recording the progrem at 4 pm. Now he knows how I feel after trying to summarize it.

Narrator: "When last we saw the Dynamic Duo they were in the Penguin's catapult about to be launched over Gotham City and land like a pair of squashed tomatoes with Penguin's cameras set to record their horrible death! ... We'll be back in 60 seconds with the smashing climax."

Vince wonders if there would ever be a Batman who would become terrified in whatever situation he ends up in. RD wonders how Penguin's snuff film would be successful.

Robin: "Holy cliffhangers, Batman!"

Calm and collected Batman takes the time to calculate the cube root of pi and determine where they will land, ideally straight into a remote controlled Batmobile. RD thinks they should have figured out how to get out of their trap rather than guess if they will survive direct impact.
Vince: "How did he figure that out?"
RD: "Because he's Batman."

The catapult fires two dummies ten feet straight into the clouds, giving Batman literal air to remote control his vehicle. Also its raining below them, and the Batmobile has to stop on the road for some children to move. Vince wondered what would have happened if it ran them over. RD knows what the Penguin would add to his film. But of course the Batmobile gets to the Duo in time, deploying a net to catch them. They then walk over the chassis to get in to drive to the Office.
Robin: "Remind me to give the Batmobile an extra quart of oil next time we change it."
Batman: "And now we have to get our hands on a certain oily bird."
RD has to warn not to do such a stupid idea like that in real life.

Vince bought a John Wick rug for his grandchild who was a fan of "Canoe Reeves". His wife did not approve. 

O'Hara: "The nerve of that vulture! We'll catapult him right behind bars where he belongs!" (:17)
Vince is sure Penguin would beat up the Chief every time. RD would bet on the Chief since he has experience with drunken brawls.
The Duos can't just go straight for the villain for fear of losing the stolen armor, so they have to go back to his film shoot.
O'Hara: "Sure and he'll be suspicious, Batman."
Batman: "I hope he is, Chief O'Hara. Suspicion often provides surprises."

Penguin: "And so my Caped Canaries, you have survived your little flight through space, and now you would like to rejoin my film company? QUACK! What do you take me for, a fool? You don't fool me,
Dynamic Double-Talker! There's some hideously honest motive behind all this. You're trying to trick
me, huh? QUACK! Out of my office, quick. Out! Out! Keep moving, you Cupcake Crusaders! You Dynamic Dingbats!" 

Vince: "Do you know exactly what a dingbat is?"
RD: "I do not know what a dingbat is, but I think I'm talking to one."
Vince aims to forget looking up the term for next time.

The Duo walk into the adjoining office where Batman notices the intercom is on and connected to Penguin's. So he takes the opportunity to melodramatically plead to get back to acting. "I'm afraid I've got it bad, Robin baby."

All of a sudden Penguin is listening while carrying a poodle named Mac, and puts it on his desk. (:24) RD reminisces about his old poodles Raleigh and Piper. Both remember their dealings with Piper. The man, not the poodle. Vince out when appearing on Piper's podcast that their heat came from Piper thinking Vince sent Ed Ferrara to meet him first in some sort of power dynamic rather than a misunderstood chance encounter. 

Anyway Penguin takes the bait and invites the Duo back to his movie. "I was once a struggling young actor myself."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in an isolated section of Gotham Central Park, Marsha and her aunt Hilda are looking for elderly toads for Aunt Hilda's evil potion."
Marsha: "How long are we going to have to wait?"
Hilda: "Last time I waited two weeks."

Thus concludes Marsha's (and Hilda's) lone scene on today's episode.

Robin (back in the Batcave): "Great acting job, Batman. You could run for senator. Or governor."
Batman: "Thank you, Robin. Who knows, perhaps I do have a little touch of show business in my blood."
Robin (checking the script): "Holy history. Penguin's gone from Rome to the Middle Ages. The second part of his script is set in medieval England."
Batman: "It doesn't surprise me, Robin. The criminal mind is characteristically erratic and unstable."
Robin: "And gullible. He fell for that act of yours hook, line and sinker."
Batman: "Needless to say, old chum, I don't like having to resort to such mendacity. But considering the
circumstances, I think it was justified."

Returned to the shooting set, the Duo are now wearing large suits of "quite ordinary armor". (:36) As they lumber onto their spots, some goons sneak up behind them and pin them with a two-ton electromagnet.
Robin: "You underhanded weasel!"
Penguin: "Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth."
They are hoisted up into the air. Penguin will deal with them later after "a little appointment with General MacGruder at the Pentagon Hexagon. It seems the good general also has a yen to be a movie actor." He order his also armored (with the stolen gear) "Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg" to march behind him as they leave.
Vince keeps seeing his smoking ashes all over his suit.

Robin: "Holy catastrophes, Batman! I'd sooner see the Russians in the Hexagon than Penguin!"
Batman: "We must stop him, Robin. The Generals at the Hexagon are capable men, but they're trained in open warfare, not the devious kind that Penguin practices. I don't know why they can't just make a deal to send him to Vietnam to help our boys out."

Of course MacGruder is more than happy to work with the Penguin. What, the US military working with Hollywood? Get out of here!
MacGruder: "You, uh, did say that there might be a little part in the picture for me, huh?"
Penguin: "A little part, sir? For a man of your acting ability, there is a colossal part. It is two lines longer than Hamlet, sir."
Shakespeare's longest play of 4,000 lines could take more than four hours to run through, even today. That is unless Penguin meant a shortened radio version, of which Meredith would have had some experience at.)
MacGruder: "Then you do think I have some acting ability, huh?"
Penguin: "Oh, I think all generals do, sir. I think it's part of their equipment, like, uh...like gills on a fish."
He offers the General "an exclusive five-year contract" when he retires.

Major Beasley then enters, so Penguin offers him "an exclusive five-year contract". (He quickly revises his contract for the General to 10 years.) He asks Beasley about Room X, which connects to Room Y, which connects to Room Z. He orders his finks crew there to steal its contents.

MacGruder: "They're heading for Room Z. Beasley, call the cavalry."
Beasley: "Sir, we haven't had any cavalry since 1910."
MacGruder: "Oh. Well, call the army."
Beasley: "Yes sir...sir, we are the army!"

(Of note: Bob Hastings as the Major was parodying his role as Lt. Carpenter on McHale's Navy. He would also do very well in voice acting including...Commissioner Gordon (from The Animated Series until his death). He probably learned from General Alan Reed who among many roles in his storied career was the original Fred Flintstone.)

They somehow muster some men, perhaps remembering that the US Army does still have cavalry (where do they think their tanks and armored vehicles are?).
MacGruder (to himself): "Remember the Alamo, MacGruder. Remember Custer...No, no, let's forget Custer. Remember Grant and Lee, and Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill. That's it. Remember Teddy Roosevelt."
He has his men fix bayonets before charging in, only to find the armor impervious to their bullets.
During the 'skirmish', among the contents the goons rummage through are "Corn Cob Pipes", of the kind General MacArthur sometimes enjoyed, and "Pearl Handled Revolvers", of the kind General Patton was reported to have handled. 

Meanwhile the Duo are still stuck. (:45) Batman has another idea. He throws something at a nearby lamp to short circuit it, cutting off all the power, including to the magnet. They have no time to get out of their armor as they rush to the Hexagon. 

The villains escape in a blue van despite the soldiers trying to shoot at the tires.
MacGruder: "We have no choice, Beasley. Call the Air Force."
Beasley (noticing the Batmobile): "Sir, I think we may have something better than the Air Force."
Cue car chase with the Duo still in their armor. All the better to hide their stunt doubles, I'm sure.

Batman predicts the blue van can not support the weight of the Knights of the Round Table and their footwork impeccable, and sure enough the next turn flattens one of the tires, causing everyone to run into the nearby alleyway. 

Penguin orders his goons to fall back to their (only a model) lair: "I'll hold off the Clanking Crusaders." He then picks up and rolls barrels at them ala Donkey Kong, bowling the armored Duo down, then gasses them just to be sure. "Now you're in the trash heap where you belong, Dynamic Dodos."
At that moment, a dump truck for Jolly Jim's Scrap Metal Yard pulls up. Penguin offers the crew $10 for some "Scrapped Crusaders". 

And so the Duo are dropped straight into a trash compactor about to be smashed into a cube. And without any protocol droids around to help stop the machinery!

Narrator: "The Dynamic Duo a pair of paper weights? This time the pressure is really on them! Tune in tomorrow for the crushing finale! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

While he was not in this story, RD received a clip of Cesar Romero in the Joker makeup promoting the Movie. (:54)

RD wrote about an early Ultimate Warrior "match" where even then he was not sure what to do. Bobby Heenan would remember how bad his bouts were even with Andre the Giant. Vince remembered how Warrior would satiate his sugar fix by crushing Mrs. Field cookies and inhaling their scent.

  • Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
  • Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]
  • Window Celebrity: 2. Alan Reed, Bob Hastings
  • Blue Van: 1
  • Screen Shares: 1. Vince

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