Episode 118: Holy Cash!: November 27, 2023

Penguin's Clean Sweep
January 25, 1968
"The Penguin contaminates all the printed money with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness in order to claim them himself but is dangerously frustrated by Bruce Wayne's countermove."
44 minutes

RD WANTS A BAT SWATTER. He marvels at he and Vince doing a video progrem together covering such a television series as this, which is in its waning days.

Vince remembered watching the episode on first airing.

Narrator: "A peaceful day in Gotham City. But at the Gotham City branch of the Mint, the peace is about  to be shattered by a familiar feathered felon."
We know its the mint because it is a big black warehouse there is a giant penny on the wall, though sadly not that giant penny. RD considers making one of his own. Has he thought about making a coaster?
Penguin breaks in with his lady (Miss Clean) and his goons (Dustbag and Pushbroom). "Green ink and paper make a very interesting combination: wheelbarrows full of money," he notes. RD is reminded of Jim Cornette wanting to do that with title belts. 

Meanwhile at Stately Wayne Manor, Bruce is telling Barbara that he's been elected "chairman of the  Gotham City anti-littering campaign."

[Checks earpiece]

I'm sorry, I'm being told that it's in fact Barbara who's been elected "chairman of the  Gotham City anti-littering campaign," which for some reason necessitated her visiting in person to ask for his support.
RD: "He probably vacated that position, maybe that's why she was there."
Father Gordon is also there, having yet another flimsy excuse to get too close to his daughter. Again.
Barbara: "Daddy arranged for this meeting, Bruce."
Bruce (lustily): "I'm glad he did, Barbara."

Gordon then gets a call from O'Hara informing him on the robbery, so he tells him to call the Batphone. Cue O'Hara being dumbfounded by a phone with only one button. Alfred makes a quick cover on the water line being burst so Bruce can excuse himself to change.

After the titles, we see the Batmobile launch out of the Batcave to rush to the Office, a visual that hasn't been seen in a long while. (:10)
Before the Duo can take the elevator to go up Police HQ Pengy and his goons join them in it. "The Dynamic Do-gooders. You've been helping old ladies across the street, Batman?"
Robin: "We're going to help you into a jail cell, you beaked buffoon."
Penguin: "Leave my beak out of this, you baby barnacle."
Robin: "Let's get them, Batman!"
Penguin: "No, no! Stop this loutish violence, you teenage truant. It offends my cultured soul."
They all pile into the Office.
Penguin: "There's the blue-coated baboon and his boorish boss."
O'Hara: "Perfect witnesses, Pengy, when you bring suit for false arrest."
Pengy in fact didn't steal anything from the mint, so Batman reminds him he did break and enter it.
Penguin: "This is trickery. This is low, conniving trickery."
Batman: "The only trickery was on your part, Penguin. So for the present, you drop the lawsuit, we'll  drop the charges."
Somehow this is satisfactory, according to Chief Prosecutor Batman. They shoo out Penguin and company as Batgirl comes in, thinking they instead left something at the scene. She links this to seeing the mint employees all knocked out for far longer than with the usual gas. Batman decides to go and check the crime scene for himself. 

The employees are still knocked out as Batman investigates, and of course he does absolutely nothing for them. He's more focused on what he finds on some of the bills: some sort of pathogen. "Somnophilia lygeria to be exact. Lygerian Sleeping Sickness. They're normally carried by the Lygerian fruit fly. In this case, Penguin was able to plant a culture of the bacteria in the ink used in making this  money."
Unfortunately a stack of contaminated bills has already been sent to Gotham National Bank. Batgirl goes to check it while the Duo go to the General Hospital for the antidote B-6 vaccine.
Robin: "Holy hypodermics! We'd better get our hands on it fast!"

Narrator: "But at the Gotham General Hospital, a certain well-known bird is up to his usual well-known tricks."
Surprisingly the hospital is an actual set instead of a big black warehouse. In fact the doctor is played by John Beradino, who was then also Dr. Steve Hardy on General Hospital. (He was also a former baseballer, winning the '48 World Series with Cleveland.)
Penguin orders Dr. Hardy to jab his goons with the vaccine "before I do some jabbing myself! Before I demonstrate the famous Penguin technique of open-heart surgery!"
They then dump the rest of the liquid vaccine just as the Duo enter. Penguin releases three of the fruit flies - you'll have to take his word on it, we can only hear their buzzing.
Robin jumps up and down like he's had too much vaccine trying to catch them, to no effect. "What about the Insecticide Bat-bomb?"
Batman: "I left it in the Batmobile. But we dare not open that door until all three of these flies are dead. Fortunately I brought my All-Purpose Bat-Swatter."
Of course it's bat shaped even if very tiny, and he manages to get two of them. The third lands on Robin's nose, of course, causing a lot of cross eyes from the Boy Wonder. Thankfully it's nothing some Bat-Tweezers can't handle. Robin: "Holy Rip van Winkle." They put it in a Bat-bottle for later. 

Batman: "Doctor, has Penguin disposed of all that B-6 vaccine?"
Dr. Hardy: "I'm afraid so, and the only other supply is in Lygeria."
Batman: "Telephone Lygeria. Have them fly fruit fly vaccine here immediately."
Dr. Hardy: "All right, Batman, but "immediately" means 24 hours."

Unfortunately by the time the Duo meet Batgirl at the Bank, $13,000 of the money has already been withdrawn. Batman calls Gordon to emergency broadcast to the City not to handle the money. How they can make sure to not mix it up with actual money they don't say, but knowing Gordon he will find some obscure way to fuck it up. The Duo then take their leave of Batgirl.

The emergency message is heard on a tiny transistor radio. (RD had to explain one to his wife.) (:23) Everyone in the city immediately dumps all their money away without even checking it first. The money is all left for Penguin with Miss Clean to suck it up with an actual industrial vacuum.
Goon: "I never thought I'd like being a trash collector, boss."
Penguin: "It's different when there's gold in the garbage, huh? (He sees Batgirl pull up.) There's trash of another color on the horizon. Bat-Trash."

The last time Batgirl tried taking on a crowd of people before getting knocked out it took five seconds.
This time it only needs two.
They leave her out cold on the road to continue their pickup. Pengy even sings a little ditty as he does so.

Meanwhile at Stately Wayne Manor Bruce calls all his peers and colleagues around the globe warning them of the situation. Though why he has to do it personally one by one rather than have his Wayne Corporation help out in some capacity I have no idea. Personal touch, perhaps?

Narrator: "And in a (big black) warehouse near the outskirts of the city..."
The villains are all giddy with their gains in the millions. Miss Clean wants a house in the country. Pengy then calls for the "World League of Nations." "You said you wanted a house in the country, I gotta buy you a country to put the house in."

Unfortunately, after declining one country because he's allergic to vodka, he finds that no one is willing to accept his money. Somehow, Bruce managed to tell everyone worldwide in the space of a few hours. Let's see Superman try and do that one day.

Robin: "Thanks to your calls, Batman, there's probably no one in the world who will accept Penguin's  money. A brilliant idea."
Batman: "Merely common sense, old chum. If you can't spend it, money is just a lot of worthless paper,  isn't it? And that's exactly what Penguin has, a pile of worthless green paper."
They still need to deal with the fruit flies though. He asks Alfred to check the Bat-Weather instruments ("I make it clear and cool, sir. Temperature approximately, 45 degrees") before Pengy calls Bruce on the regular phone.
He demands Bruce fix the situation or he will release all the flies. Of course he won't.
Penguin: "All right, Wayne. You have just doomed Gotham City to 1000 years of very sound sleep."
He decides to just steal all the precious metals and jewelry if he can't get the money.

Somehow Batgirl got to the Office as Gordon wonders where Batman is, right before the Batphone rings. The Dark Knight asks them to meet him at the Bank.

Cut to the Bank where everyone is asleep due to Penguin unleashing his flies. He doesn't find it odd that Batman is smiling and resting his head on his hands though.
Penguin: "The flies really did their work. They're all sleeping like babies. Even this mutton-headed Police Chief. Of course he looks like he's sleeping even when he's awake."
He finds a watch and goes to pick it up - immediately awakening everyone.
Miss Clean: "That's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you send out a fly to do a man's job."
Robin: "That's right, Pengy-poo. We're just sleepwalking."
Batgirl: "What do you say to a little sleep-fighting, Robin?"

During the fight Batgirl is lifted in the air, allowing her to smiling kick and jump off a magazine rack. For some reason West's stunt double suddenly has stubble. This is made even more silly by Meredith actually doing his own work instead of using a double. Vince was too distracted by his makeup and prosthetic nose slipping. RD already misses Joker's double. Penguin gets tossed into a trashcan.

Penguin: "You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies."
Batman: "You murdered them, Penguin, when you let them out. My recent research on Lygerian fruit  flies has proved conclusively that Gotham City's 45-degree temperatures caused an inversion of air  layers."
Batgirl: "Which in turn, raised the atmospheric pressure and crushed the flies to death."
Robin: "You tricked yourself, Penguin. Just as you did when you had that doctor give you a double dose of B-6 vaccine. So large a dose, you'll probably contract Lygerian Sleeping Sickness yourself."

And thus the Penguin exits the series by falling asleep.  

Batman: "I consulted a very reliable weather forecaster who predicted that today would be clear and  cool."
Gordon: "Well, he was certainly right about it being cool but those clouds up there don't look very clear."
Cut to Alfred with an umbrella in a totally different location as it rains.
Alfred (to the camera): "After all, even the best of weathermen is entitled to an occasional miss."

As a bookend, this time Bruce visits Barbara and Gordon at her Apartment, just to ask her for some coffee (and to show off her lovely red dress).
Bonnie calls Gordon to patch through Warden Crichton to tell him that two women named Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny are constantly visiting Shame in prison. 

Narrator: "But little does Commissioner Gordon know what he's about to see or what trouble that  double-dealing desperado Shame is hatching right now with Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny in the  prison visiting room and which will explode before everyone's eyes...on our next episode!"

Miss Clean's averageness has made Vince completely forget all about her. He gives her 5 Batpoles and guesses 32 years. RD is more generous and gives 6 even though he wrote "TON OF MAKEUP". 41 year old Belge-American Monique van Vooren was most active on screens in the 50s and 60s. She was more known for her dancing, including advising one of her act colleagues named Ronnie Walken change his name to Christopher.

RD will write about A Rich Little Christmas Carol for his Christmas inducting. He first has to figure out how to write about Truman Capote.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [11] (Burgess Meredith) [11]

   

• Window Celebrity: 1. John Beradino
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Gimmick

Episode 105: Holy Constitutional!: August 28, 2023

A Horse of Another Color
October 12, 1967
"The Penguin steals a priceless folio of famous parasols from the Gotham City Library. He plans to wager the $10,000 earned from its ransom on a rigged horse race. Aided by his partner-in-crime Lola Lasagne, he disguises the favored entry Parasol as the unknown "Bumbershoot," then enters a painted glue factory horse as "Parasol". With everyone betting their money on the fake horse, it looks like the Penguin will make a fortune when the real Parasol wins the race. But he wasn't counting on a last-minute entry of Bruce Wayne's, the horse Waynebeau, ridden by none other than Batgirl."
53 minutes

RD: Russo's Saddle Monkey. This makes Vince laugh, as it should.

Neither remember today's episode, despite its increased budget for some reason. RD fell asleep while watching the first half of things. Vince found it all ridiculous. They agreed that things picked up later on.
Vince: "This show had to come from one of the writers sitting around the table and having a vision come to him of the Penguin sitting on a horse. That's where this entire episode had to come from."
RD: "I think, honestly, that one of the writers probably had some type of gambling problem, and was at the racetrack and thought "you know what? We could make a Batman episode outta this. It would give me a good excuse to come lay down some money on the ponies.""

Instead of watching the episode on the airdate you could have instead watched the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Boston Red Sox in Game 7 of the World Series. They were led by Hall of Famer Bob Gibson pitching his third complete game of the match-up for only three hits. The next season he would record an ERA of 1.12. 

Narrator: "Daybreak at Gotham City Library, where Penguin has just purloined a priceless folio of famous umbrellas." (:05)
Both Dynamic and Undynamic Duos appear just as he (and Lola) tries to leave, so he keeps them at bay with the sparkler in his umbrella.
Robin: "Holy diversionary tactic!"
Batman lets him go, partly to see where this unfolds, partly knowing how badly the police would fumble an arrest.
Barbara appears, now wearing a pretty green dress, to greet her father. "I guess I better phone Bruce Wayne. As head of the library's board of trustees, he'd be upset at the loss of a rare item."
RD wonders how many boards Bruce is on.
Batman says he will recover the book within an hour as the Duo return to the Batcave. Cue titles without any semblance of resolving the "cliffhanger" or making a good stinger. 

At the lair Penguin and Lola discuss hope no one will recognize their paint-disguised horse. Now they have to wonder what to do with the jockey (Wally Bootmaker, a parody of the famed Willie Shoemaker) who would quickly notice the deception.
Penguin: "That is the sharpest-looking horse of another color I've ever seen in my life. ... My two finks will take care of [Wally] when they get back."
 

He then gets a call for a placed bet, which he uses to tell them of Parasol "and a late entry by
the name of Bumbershoot".
Satisfied with that, he searches his newspaper's "Saturday review of folios" for a prospective buyer of his folio. One person, a Mr. A. L. Fredd, catches his eye, so he calls the Gotham West Hotel where he is at. "I'm sure that our 10 grand is gonna be in the feed bag, Lulu."
Lola: "It's not Lulu. It's Lola Lasagne."
Penguin: "Well, have it your way. Lasagne, macaroni, whatever."
RD liked Penguin's Popeye-style mumbling, ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. Vince once worked with the grandson of creator E.C. Segar, and was gifted some of his original artwork. 

Cut to later: Batman has already found the lair's location. To Robin: "I did a little extracurricular crime-detecting while Dick Grayson did his homework." Mr. Fredd (of Penny's Worth) has already got the tome ("a steal at $10,000"). He shows it to his colleagues in the study as Barbara calls.
Barbara: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, I'm glad I finally reached you. I've been trying for over an hour."
Bruce: "Dick and I were out taking our usual early constitutional. Apparently Alfred didn't hear the telephone."
Vince: "Does that not sound like they were taking a dump?"
RD: "They were not."
She tells him about the stolen book despite Batman and Gordon having told her not to since it would be sorted within the hour. "I'm afraid I'm still naive enough to believe the impossible can't be done. I guess I owe Batman an apology." She hangs up. 

Dick: "You're now out $10,000 to that pompous purloiner?"
Bruce: ""Patient men win the day," an apt quotation from Chaucer."
Dick: "Apt maybe, but I doubt if Chaucer had run into Penguin when he wrote it."

At the lair the goons show up late due to the traffic. (:18) Penguin is listening to the news on his little Penguin radio (delivered by voice actor Gary Owens, who did a similar announcer character on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In) about Batman returning the folio to the library and "Bruce Wayne, chairman of the board of directors".
Penguin: "Quadruple faugh! She is gonna pay for this. Ms. Gordon, that's who. ... I smell a deep and dire plot in all this. But Ms. Gordon is going to smell something even worse!"
He has another penguin, but rather than it a radio it emits a deadly gas.
Lola: "We don't wanna kill anyone."
Penguin: "She spurned me, didn't she? Well, she's not gonna get a second chance."
He sends the goons with the penguin while he gives Lola some itching powder for the other horses, and another goon to deal with Wally. 

Sure enough, the racing secretary (played by Herbert Anderson, who also played Henry Mitchell, father of [American] Dennis the Menace [Mitchell]), calls Bruce to tell him almost all of the horses have been scratched - due to the itching powder. RD did not see that gag coming at all. There's just Parasol and late entry Bumbershoot, and the latter's jockey of the Penguin is just standing there registering himself.
Bruce: "What does he look like?"
Secretary: "Confidentially, he's a bit of a bird."
Penguin: (Neighs)

Bruce decides to let him race on Bumbershoot and he will get another jockey for Parasol. (To Dick:) "Just as I thought. Penguin has not only overplayed his hand, he's tipped his mitt." He decides to add a third horse, from his own stable, named Waynebeau (after rainbow, get it).
Dick: "Bruce, let me ride Waynebeau. I'm light enough."
Bruce: "No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny. But you can ride the fake Parasol and try to win it."
He wants Batgirl as the third jockey, and he's so giddy at the thought. He has to find her though, which is left to Alfred who gives his boss such a look. Vince was disappointed it wasn't Aunt Harriet. RD has to break it to him she will not be appearing much going forward. Vince promises to rate her the next and final time she appears. 

Meanwhile the toy penguin gasses...the other librarian there (named Myrtle). Whoops. Barbara manages to save her colleague before Alfred shows up asking to speak to Barbara in private. 

Back at the racetrack, the secretary is bewildered and livid at the starting lineup, and demands Bruce to cancel it. "If Batman, for instance, told me that this race must be run for a particular reason, that might be different."
Bruce: "And suppose Batman did tell you that the race must be run?"
Secretary: "I would have to hear it from him in person."

So Bruce puts on the cowl. "A very capable man, the racing secretary. Remind me to give him a bonus, Alfred," he requests his returning butler before he departs. 

Meanwhile Lola meets her "Spanish-speaking" horse's jockey, who is in fact Dick trying to speak Spanish. As a reminder, Parasol was her one asset from her Brazilian husband, who would have spoken Portuguese. She goes to bet on Bumbleshoot.

Penguin (looking through his monocle through his racing googles): "That jockey, you know who he looks like? Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne's ward."
Goon: "What would Dick Grayson be doing as a saddle monkey, boss?"
Penguin: "One thing he'll be doing soon is eating my dust!"

At last Batgirl makes her appearance on Waynebeau next to the other two horses.
Secretary: "Why, this is getting more farcical by the moment."
The Undynamic Duo move next to him, being informed by Batman to be there. 

The race is of course mostly stock footage. The actual horses and their stunt double jockeys have to deal with some really haphazard editing and positioning. Craig actually wanted to ride in person, but seeing her mount had someone else stand in for her this one time. (:35)

Anyway obviously Waynebeau wins by several lengths. Bumbleshoot is second, and Parasol is third. Batgirl then charges after a fleeing Penguin.
Secretary: "You may have a good-sized riot on your hands, Mr. Wayne. Almost everyone bet on Parasol. Batman better have a good explanation too. It's a very dark day for racing in Gotham City, Mr. Wayne."

Penguin: "I'll change, then we better make tracks."
Lola: "Why? We haven't done anything wrong."
Penguin: "We haven't done anything right. We just lost 10 grand. And the paint is running faster than the horse did."

Batgirl follows Pengy to the men's locker room so the Trio and goons can prepare for their fight. 
Batgirl: "No need to change clothes, Penguin. They'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going."
Penguin: "Faugh! Armband, Visor, bridle that filly!"
Batman: "No bother to return the many favors you've done for us, Batgirl."
RD: "Batman now is basically taking on the role of Commissioner. Batgirl to Batman is basically what Batman is to Commissioner Gordon."
The fight is again not a bad one, even if Batgirl can't stop smiling during it. 

Gordon: "Well Penguin, looks like your perfidious prank is up."
Penguin: "Perfidious? Faugh, I admit I fixed the race, but I fixed it so the best horse won. Regardless of that, I'm sure that the results of the Handicap will be declared permanently unofficial."
O'Hara: "And you'll be declared permanently incarcerated."
Batman: "Batgirl, she's gone again. Like spray. Like a cloud. Like lightning."
Robin: "We should try to find her and thank her."
Batman: "Mere thanks are empty words, Robin. Whoever she is, wherever she goes, whatever she's  after, I think we'll be seeing more of her."

Back at the Library, Gordon visits his daughter dusting in the Egyptology section. Before he can take her for dinner they turn to see King Tut just standing there.
Barbara: "You mean a real arch-criminal has turned up here in the library?"
RD: "Sister, EARLIER IN THE DAY THE PENGUIN WAS IN THE LIBRARY! This library may be the most popular place for criminals in the entire city."
Barbara: "He sounds fascinating!"
Gordon: "No, darling, not fascinating. He is fiendishly evil, the most dangerous kind of fraud. I better get word to the Dynamic Duo."

Narrator: "So, King Tut has returned, but for what evil purpose? With what nefarious scheme? And what is he doing in this library? Watch the next episode for the awesome answer!"

Of course Vince is familiar with Ethel Merman and her long line of work - she would have been 59 in filming here. He gives her 5 Batpoles at least for that. RD takes her age "into consideration" in giving her 2.5. He takes issue with Vince's spin on age. He counters that it would be for if they tried playing younger roles. 

The "Council of Ruperts" is still determining what games to use for the King of Arcade. RD is certain Q*bert is one of them.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 
  

 

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. What cliffhanger?
• Window Celebrity: 1. Gary Owens
  

Episode 104: Holy Non Sequiturs!: August 21, 2023

The Sport of Penguins
October 5, 1967
"The Penguin teams up with parasol collector Lola Lasagne. Together, they plan to rig the upcoming Bruce Wayne Handicap to make a fortune from Lola's prize racehorse Parasol. They break into Glu Gluten's Glue Factory to steal a condemned horse, planning to switch horses before the race and make their money by betting on the real Parasol. When Batman, Robin, and Batgirl catch up with them at the glue factory, Penguin sneaks outside and plasters the Batmobile with a sticky glue."
70 minutes

RD: GOIN TO GLUE FACTORY knew it was Hulk Hogan's 170th Julie Newmar's 90th birthday recently.
Vince: "Oh I thought you were gonna say "probably better than Sunny in an orange jumpsuit.""
RD: "She looks exactly like Shelly Winters when she was Ma Parker."
Vince still feels a bit bad for the young woman he once worked with.
RD retells the time he and Blade once met Tam at a convention before things happened as they did.

Speaking of things happening as they did, RD finally saw Extreme live. Gary Cherone recognized his Batman '66 shirt that he is also wearing here. Vince brought up Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black parodying More Than Words: "Let me put it to you this way: it's gonna be ten times better than the episode we just witnessed." (:15)

Narrator: "Gotham Park Racetrack, the day before the Bruce Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap, where two fancy fillies are meeting the press: a high-spirited horse and her proud-spirited mistress."

The Racetrack is an actual outdoor shoot (at Los Alamitos), a rare sight this season due to budget. The horse is named Parasol and her owner is named Lola Lasagne, a major player in "shower sticks" i.e. parasols. (:23) To Parasol: "Shape up, Parasol. Looks and your legs are all we've got left."

Narrator: "But what's this strange bird doing in the royal surroundings of a queen of the turf and the sport of kings?"
Penguin waddles up, grabbing the umbrella from her hand, and then waddles off.
Lola: "You waddling bird!"

After the titles, Pengy next enters the City's one (1) Public Library to break open a case to reveal the book inside.
Barbara: "What is this? You can't just barge in here cut open a locked case, and walk off with a priceless folio of famous parasols."
Penguin: "Why not?"
She tries making a "tax-paying" citizen's arrest, calling up her "beloved father" that he's already met just a couple of weeks ago. He uses the opportunity to flee, leaving behind a ticking umbrella.

As it just so happens the Duo are also in the Office. The Bros think they were having lunch.
O'Hara: "Brazen bird! I'll wager there's a connection between this and that parasol he stole from Lola Lasagne today at the racetrack."
Gordon (suddenly appalled): "You wager, Chief O'Hara? A public servant and upstanding chief of police betting?"
O'Hara: "Uh, can I call it a hunch, Commissioner?"

The Duo rush over to the Library with a Bat-Shield.
Robin: "Haven't you some Anti-Percussion Asbestos Bat-Flax in your utility belt?"
Batman: "No time for that now, Robin. Let's get this offending article out into the corridor and under the Bat-Bomb Machine."
The umbrella explodes (off-screen of course), but thankfully the Duo are unharmed.
Batman still remembers Pengy's attempt to marry Barbara, and his thinking again of Batgirl makes his heart all aflutter. The Duo leave to consult the Batcomputer. 

Narrator: "While in Penguin's bookshop, or to be more accurate Penguin's bookmaking shop..." (:31)
Penguin takes bets over the phone, and of course he does it in person to directly link himself to any potential crimes. Lola comes in for her parasol, which he uses to know she is actually Lulu Schultz.
Penguin: "I knew you when you'd steal the braces from other kids' teeth."
Lola: "While you stole their teeth."
Parasol (her horse), is her one thing from her three week marriage to 80 year old South American billionaire Luigi Lasagne. She even had to sell her parasols. So she was hoping to win the race tomorrow. Unfortunately Pengy has to break it to her that it is a charity race, for the Bruce Wayne Memorial Foundation. Is there any other kind in the city?

In the Batcave the Duo and Alfred somehow link parasols to horse blankets. Vince wonders if they were involved by the pre-credits scene of the Penguin at the racetrack. The Batcomputer's "Bat-Correction Signal" then prints "Lulu Schultz" which they somehow link to "Glu Gluten's Glue Factory." Even Vince can't explain that.
Robin: "Holy non sequiturs!" 

As soon as the Duo leave in the Batmobile Alfred immediately calls Barbara to tell her.
Barbara: "But how did you her of it?"
Alfred: "Actually, I overheard it. The Dynamic Duo were to be dinner guests at Stately Wayne Manor  tonight."
RD: "He's only known this girl for a couple of weeks. He's already trusting her with this?"

Barbara: "Charlie, I thought I was going to spend a quiet evening with you. Instead, I'm off to Glu Gluten's Glue Factory."
Narrator: "Once more, from Barbara Gordon, librarian and police commissioner's daughter,to that dominoed daredoll Batgirl in a matter of seconds!"
RD thought she looked good in a pink dress. Vince wonders how her hideout would not be discovered since she lives in an apartment complex instead of a stately manor. RD thinks she should have had Alfred help her with building it. 

At the lair, Penguin decides to get Parasol to swap appearances with another horse and make money off the long odds of disguising him as a long-shot dark horse. Pengy volunteers his own horse with a dash of white paint on the mane. He then hears over the radio of the Duo handling his bomb in the Library, infuriating him.
Penguin: "The Dynamic Dunderheads! Faugh! Double faugh! Triple faugh!"
Lola: "Why are you so anxious to bomb the library?"
Penguin: "No, not the library, somebody in the library. Somebody who had the miserable taste to turn down an offer of marriage from me."
Lola: "You, Pengy, scorned by a woman?"
Penguin: "It's incredible, isn't it? Well, let's get back to the horse-switching before those caped  crumbums get on my tailpiece again."

As part of their plan the two go to the glue factory (as the Trio make their own way there). The place has a dizzying array of glues, including fish glue. RD tried looking it up and for some reason didn't find much. What search engine he was using? (My guess is AltaVista.)
Glu Gluten is actually there in person, telling the two that horse glue isn't actually made from actual horses as much nowadays. However he does keep a spare "in case of emergency."
Penguin offers to buy "this four-legged thing with a long nose" for "nothing down and a little a week. Don't you know anything about the economic structure of this country? It's always nothing down and a little a week. That is the cornerstone of our financial security."

The Duo catch up to watch things go down (still legally for the moment).
Batman: "But planting a time bomb in a public library is a felony."
They try crashing through the window - and get stuck as they both try to go through at the same time. Also they're barely six inches off the ground. 

Penguin: "Drat! Double drat! Triple drat!"
Batman: "Expletives will get you nowhere. ... What other whimsical pranks are you and your charming conspiratress up to?"
Penguin orders Lola to run with the horse to the racetrack before siccing his goons for the fight. They show their prowess by tossing Robin up and down like a cheerleader. Also the glue factory had a trapeze for some reason.
Batgirl ties up the goons but Penguin escapes with a bucket of "library glue". RD tried looking that up too and of course found nothing.

Batgirl: "I pray for the day when Gotham City's safe from such mocking mountebanks."
Batman: "Cleaning up crime is the dream of every good citizen, Batgirl. But one thought intrigues me. How did you know Robin and I might be in trouble with Penguin in this glue factory?"
Batgirl: "Through the one thing you couldn't possibly have in your utility belt, Batman: a woman's  intuition."

Penguin uses the Duo's distracted by Batgirl's vanishing to paint library glue all over the Batmobile seats and tires.
Batman (smitten quoting her theme song): "She's gone. Like a shadow. Like smoke. Like a shooting star. Who knows where she goes? Who knows where she comes from? Who knows who she is?... We must allow her her anonymity and freedom of action as we demand ours. Whatever is fair in love and war is also fair in crime-fighting."
Vince wonders if Barbara is around Dick's age. RD reminds him she just graduated college while Robin is still high school, so there would be a four year difference between them at least. That would be enough to make her his ward too.

Glu: "Nothing down, nothing a week. A nothing factory. What a deal."

The Duo hop into the Batmobile to get back to the Batcave and of course get stuck to the seats. (:51)
Robin: "Holy mucilage!"

The two villains are back at the lair having managed to paint the fake horse.
Penguin: "You switched bangtails at the track, and this hay burner is the real palooka."
Lola: "The real Parasol, Pengy. And I wish you wouldn't call her a bangtail, a hay burner or a palooka."
Naming their new horse Bumbershoot, Penguin now has to explain to his fellow criminal how betting works. But they still need money first to wager. Pengy decides to go back to the Library, steal the book on rare parasols, and sell it on the black market.
Lola: "Go get it, right now."
Penguin: "No, no. The library isn't open yet."
Lola: "Since when has that ever stopped you?"

Narrator: "Is Lola right? Can't Penguin be stopped? Is he really stealing a priceless folio to finance his crooked coup with the Dynamic Duo pasted to the Batmobile outside the glue factory? And Barbara Gordon, minus Batgirl's trappings, asleep in her apartment? Or is she?" 

Barbara is woken up by the Emergency Library Prowler Signal, which she informs her father about.
The Duo manage to return to the Batcave, apologizing to Alfred since the Batmobile's Library Paste Bat-Dissolving Switch also got stuck.
Robin: "Look Batman, the red phone." (Emphasis mine.)

Narrator: "But are they all too late? Will Penguin and Lola succeed in pulling off the foulest race-fixing scheme of all time? For more, tune in the next episode."

 

...

 

This is the type of cliffhanger we have been reduced to this season. 

Vince wonders if they were trying to save money on "traps", so we got what everyone agrees is the worst cliffhanger ever: people just standing around as a phone rings.

The next episode title doesn't even rhyme.  

Through his archaic search engine RD found his birthdate (January 12th) was the most popular. He shares it with Vince's father. September is the most popular month overall. 

RD wrote about Eric Bischoff (with Matt Hardy) beating the Young Bucks with two karate kicks. Of course it was TNA, why do you ask?

Speakinf of Hardys, Jeff had a Gooker nominee Texas Chainsaw Massacre match (against other Jeff Jarrett). AEW didn't even get paid that much! (Only $100,000 which Tony Khan will donate to Maui relief after much backlash.) Vince got a laugh at a chainsaw wielder just deciding to kick somebody. Even he - Vince Russo - was confused by the breakneck chaos of things. RD laughed at them considering Hangman Page standing next to an ambulance as a "hospital" (ala Season 3 Batman). He wants to email Tony to ask to check inside the ambulance to see if Shaquille O'Neal is in it.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [10] (Burgess Meredith) [10]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Lola "Lulu Schultz" Lasagne (Ethel Merman) 
  

 

• Screen Shares: 1. Vince
• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Returned albums, Awful
  

Episode 101: Holy Cycle!: July 31, 2023

Batgirl
1967 but unaired - no, not that almost finished movie
"At the Gotham City library, Barbara Gordon helps Bruce Wayne find a book on butterflies so he can prove a point to a friend, a millionaire explorer. As Bruce and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, are leaving they spot the villainous Killer Moth and three of his henchmen and, suspecting they are up to no good, determine to return as their superhero alter-egos, Batman and Robin. While the Caped Crusaders are donning their costumes, the criminal quartet knock out the millionaire, lock Barbara in an alcove and prepare to spirit their victim away. When the Dynamic Duo attempt to capture the crooks, they are encased in Killer Moth's silk cocoon. Is this the end of our Gotham City heroes? And why does a beautiful librarian have a cowl and a cape hanging in a convenient closet?"
Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin
September 14, 1967
"The Penguin plans to gain immunity from the law by becoming the police commissioner's son-in-law. He kidnaps Commissioner Gordon's daughter, Barbara, and threatens her into agreeing to marry him. Unknown to him, Barbara Gordon has a secret crime fighting identity, Batgirl. Alfred learns of her secret when he is brought to Penguin's hideout instead of a preacher, and Batman and Robin realize just how valuable their new ally is when they find themselves hopelessly strung up in Penguin's lair."
59 minutes

RD: Russo's Witless Ward. He wonders why Vince keeps talking about wrestling if he hates it. 

Vince wonders on the TV short's existence if it is quite bad. RD thought it was just for internal use, especially as it is less than 10 minutes long. He only could be able to see it because someone sent him a copy. Assuming he didn't find it online anyway.

Narrator: "Gotham City, like any other large metropolis, abounds in girls of all shapes and sizes: debutantes, nurses, stenographers, and librarians. Like this librarian in the Gotham City Library as the closing hours near, finishing a service for a very distinguished customer: millionaire Bruce Wayne."

Yvonne Craig in short bun hair and a bright yellow dress, gives a "completely" out of print book to Bruce.
Bruce: "You're new here, aren't you?"
Barbara: "Yes, I just started working here recently, but it isn't like we're complete strangers, Mr. Wayne. I'm Commissioner Gordon's daughter."
Bruce: "Hmmm, Commissioner Gordon has been keeping you under wraps for far too long."
Barbara: "Isn't that your youthful ward, Dick Grayson, talking to the gentleman at the table?"
Bruce: "Yes, and he's sitting next to my millionaire friend Roger Montrose."
Vince thinks he mentions people being millionaires to impress and attract women.

Vince didn't find anything to write on, for some reason. He asks RD to spell 'copious'.
RD: "I thought you wrote a book. Did you always misspell everything?"

Bruce walks off, under the eye of another older librarian marm, another word to confuse Vince. 
"Oh boy that millionaire Bruce Wayne, so handsome and so rich!"
Barbara: "And he's a bachelor."

Away from the women and the men are other people wearing antennas over black beanies. (:09) They plan to kidnap the millionaire - then kill him for some reason. And they can't kill Bruce either for some reason due to his friendship with Batman. 

Dick (to Bruce): "Those four men over there, they look like Killer Moth's men."
Moth was an actual villain in the comics, and even the first to be defeated by Batgirl. So of course he won't ever be seen in the third season. He doesn't even get a name (Drury Walker) for 30 years!

Bruce and Dick leave the set to change to their outfits as Gordon calls Barbara: "you stood me up for dinner." Barbara asks for tomorrow. "It's a date." She then blows a kiss over the phone to her "handsome" father. This rather unsettled the Bros.

The goons strike just as the library closes, grabbing Montrose, and putting Barbara in an locked office so she can fix her hair.
Narrator: "Strange... she seems very cool about being locked in. And who's locking whom? And what is this? Her own secret panel, leading to her own secret closet?"

Moth himself shows up to lead his men, as indicated by his ridiculously cheap looking cape and rabbit ear antennas. The Duo break in with the Bat-lock Breaker Ray.
Robin: "Not long ago they were caterpillars."
Cue a fight.
Moth: "From caterpillars come cocoons, Boy Wonder!"
He shoots with his Moth Spray Gun, incapacitating the Duo in a paper-mache coccon. 

Meanwhile Barbara unbuttons her shirt ala Clark Kent to reveal the Batgirl outfit underneath, and takes off her skirt to become her cape.
Narrator: "Holy transformation! One minute playing Barbara Gordon, librarian and commissioner's daugther. The next - something new has been added. BATGIRL! Modeled after her idol Batman, ready for this crucial moment and off to make her first foray in her own beautiful beguiling way through her secret exit!"

Meanwhile Moth stands around creepily as Batman calls him an "insidious insect!"
Narrator: "Our disguised and now titian haired beauty makes a smashing entrance!" (Through a window.)
Robin: "Holy apparition!"
Batgirl: "No, Boy Wonder. I'm Batgirl! You're no longer alone, Caped Crusaders!"

She then spins to win and throws the goons around with a globe (but no punches!) to the confusion of Robin and the sudden salivation of Batman. She then watches as the bookshelves and furniture all collapse without her doing anything to try and help. RD wonders if she needed the overtime pay to help clean it up. She then gets her "Electronic Batgirl Compact with Laser Beam" that can "destroy anything" to get the Duo out of their binds. Then it's back to spinning on a desk for some more fighting. After the three agree not to ask about their real identities she leaves the scene, allowing the Duo to handle things from there.

Batman (to the camera): "I suspect we will see her again. A new member of our team or a crime fighting rival?"
Narrator: "Or just plain Barbara Gordon, masquerading for a lark as she rides into the night on her Special Batgirl Cycle? Who knows? Is the Dynamic Duo destined to become the Triumphant Trio? Only time will tell us more about this dazzling daredoll Batgirl!"
RD hopes they don't keep calling it the Special Batgirl Cycle. Not without some sort of birth control on hand anyway.

 

...

 

And now the actual show only airs once a week, a half an hour on Thursdays (and on the same premiering day as Raymond Burr's Ironside). (:20) 

Narrator: "Every day in Gotham City brings new surprises, but this day is going to top them all.  Although it begins none too differently, just wait. Just wait!"

In the Batcave the Dynamic Duo celebrate stopping Catwoman once again, and later they are going to go to the Opera with the Undynamic Duo. RD: "That sounds horrible."
Robin: "Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know?"
Batman: "I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives. Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing his daughter, Barbara, along as my date. So tonight is Dick Grayson's night for musical appreciation and the social amenities." (Emphasis mine.)

Narrator: "While at the Gotham City Library, where one of the newer librarians is leaving for her night of culture and social graces..."
Before newer librarian Barbara Gordon can leave, old man Gordon gives her a call to confirm that she is coming.
Barbara: "Besides, I'm looking forward to seeing our host, millionaire Bruce Wayne."
Gordon: "Well, he's gonna get quite a surprise tonight. He hasn't seen you since you went away to college four years ago. And you're twice as pretty now as you were then."
RD: "Is Gordon pimping out his daughter so he can be in the Rich Kids Club?"
Vince: "I think he wouldn't mind the idea of his daughter marrying a millionaire." 

Being a new librarian and the daughter of a public serving official, of course Barbara's "midtown apartment house" is a very large multi-room affair. This doesn't even include the Penguin popping in from the roof. "Welcome to the cage, my wild dove! Waugh waugh waugh! What a tasty little squab she is too. Trust Penguin to have a surefire recipe for pigeon pie. Waugh waugh waugh!"

Cue intro, now with Batgirl fighting and riding her (non menopausal) Batcycle. 

The Bros recognize the show is much faster and colorful than before. Even the music is quicker. 

The Undynamic Duo come to the now empty apartment. (:27) Of course Gordon knows where the secret key is to enter, but there is no sign of her to his confusion.
Narrator: "You'd be very surprised to find out commissioner, for your daughter is only 20 feet away  from you in the very next apartment!"
As Penguin gloats on their secrecy his goons see Bruce and "that witless ward of his" are also in the original apartment. So he calls in so Gordon can answer.

Penguin: "You didn't happen to be missing anything lately, did you?"
Gordon: "You've got Barbara, you feathered fiend!"

"Millionaire joyboy" offers to pay any ransom, but Penguin just wants to "make her the happiest girl in Gotham City". He points them to the Gotham City Times' society page, announcing a marriage of a "well-known entrepreneur and man-about-town" to Barbara. The logic is somehow by becoming Gordon's son-in-law Pengy can gain police immunity, which is of course how such a thing works. (Instead of his now being under increased suspicion due to his proximity, which would provoke investigation by a district attorney who may or may not be Harvey Dent.) Gordon responds with such a dramatic flop RD almost thought he died.

Gordon: "There is only one man who can help me."
O'Hara (thinking hard): "Batman?"
Bruce and ward decide to return to Stately Wayne Manor. 

Penguin continues to gloat as Vince notices in his high definition how much his nose's tone and fakeness doesn't match the rest of the makeup at all. If Barbara doesn't go through with the wedding, he will go with Plan B, which consists of shooting a standup of Gordon. So she says yes. For some reason nobody in the adjacent apartment hears the gunshots.
Penguin: "That's what I like to hear. Obedience. That is the first wifely virtue." He orders some goons to find any minister to officiate while she wears his wedding gown. "I wanna get this thing over with before the Dynamic Dunderheads put the snatch on me."

Smash cut to the Batcave, where Gordon calls the Duo as they use their Batcomputer to track Pengy. Unfortunately Alfred is out "meeting with his minister to discuss a church supper".

Smash cut to said church which looks just like one of King Tut's lairs. (:35) The minister asks for donations for a summer camp, perhaps forgetting who his guest works for. Suddenly the goons show up asking for the minister. So of course Alfred volunteers.
He flips his emergency button in his belt buckle, secretly informing the Duo. They take to the Batmobile. 

Alfred is brought to the apartment.
Penguin: "If I don't hear a nice "I do" you'll be visiting heaven instead of  talking about it!"
He does not recognize Alfred on sight, despite their having met many times before. 

He is taken to "coach" Barbara on what to say, and he sees her just as she is leaving through the window to her own apartment.
Barbara: "I must trust in your discretion as a man of the cloth. You mustn't reveal my secret."
Narrator: "What in the world is this? Revolving walls? Hidden rooms? Disguises? What is Barbara Gordon's secret?"
She pauses in her costume change sequence to greet her pet bird Charlie. 

Penguin: "You are about to witness the coup of the century. The world's leading arch criminal becomes the son-in-law of the police commissioner. Waugh waugh waugh! I don't know whether to call him  "Daddy" or just "commish.""
Batman (snuck in): "If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now."
Robin (snuck in): "When we get through with you, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "Daddy!""
Penguin: "Oh, you bungling buttinskies always sticking your nose into my business! This time I'm  gonna teach you a lesson!"
Batgirl (crashing in): "As long as you're holding classes, Penguin, perhaps you'd include Batgirl too."
Everyone: "Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl?"
Penguin: "Bats. I'm surrounded by bats."

Cue a super fast fight in a very small room. Batgirl kicks Pengy, smothers him, and breaks a board over his head.
Batman: "I don't know who you are, but you certainly know how to handle yourself well."
Robin: "Holy agility, I'll say."
Batgirl: "Thank you, Dynamic Duo. I'm sure you could've handled these crooks without my help, but I  was glad for the chance to join in the fun."
Batman: "I can understand your enjoyment. However, our purpose here is quite serious."
Batgirl: "Oh, crime fighting is a serious matter to me too, Batman, but we might as well get a few  laughs out of it."
Batman: "Perhaps some other time."

She sneaks out as the Duo find Alfred in the apartment instead of Barbara, and they take too long to try and open it that Penguin manages to gas them. He then orders his men to bag them and Alfred and throw them from the apartment into his truck. Barbara sees this and sneaks into another secret room.
Narrator: "Now what? Another surprise? A Batgirl Cycle in a secret freight elevator?"
Cue Batcycle chasing the truck as it drives around with Penguin in the back. "Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied."

They fast paced go to his trap...somewhere, where he is about to steam the Duo as "human tea bags" in Aunt Hilda's giant cauldron. 
Batman: "Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin!"
Pengy is distracted when he finds he also took Preacher Alfred. This gives time for Batgirl to catch up for another fight. She kicks everyone while Alfred boxes everyone, including a direct hit to Penguin's head.
Robin: "Alfred's really giving it to them."
Batman (salivating): "So is Batgirl."
They finally get free to (send their stunt doubles into the) fight.
During the scuffle Batgirl makes Alfred swear not to reveal her secret identity, not even to his boss. "You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's trust, would you?"
Alfred: "You have my word as a gentleman's gentleman that no one will ever learn your secret from me."
She gives him a kiss for his trouble before she sneaks out again to get into the wedding dress to be "rescued" by the Duo.  Alfred gives a secret eye-roll while they do.

Robin: "Who is this Batgirl? That's what we'd all like to know. Whoever she is behind that mask of  hers..."
Batman: "she helped us out of a dire dilemma."
Barbara: "Oh, yes. Think how horrible it would have been to be married to the Penguin."
Penguin: "Horrible? To be  married to me? Fa. You can't imagine such bliss."

Cut to Gordon's Office the DMV. For passing his driving test, Bruce gives Dick a '68 Plymouth Barracuda convertible.
RD: "What about those poor kids at the church?"

NOW cut to Gordon's Office. He tells O'Hara that Bruce is donating to the police pension.
RD: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN AT THE CHURCH???"
Gordon tries to call Bruce to express his thanks, but he instead gets...the Riddler, once again Frank Gorshin, standing in front of black felt.

Narrator: "The Riddler, back to puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo? Be sure to watch the next  episode!"

Also:
Dick (while driving): "Highway safety is every citizen's prime responsibility."

The Bros thought favorably of the episode and of setting up Barbara. 

RD: "I'm gonna be as polite as I possibly can. If you are one of the people that's going to say that Batgirl was more attractive than Julie Newmar Catwoman, just come over. I wanna punch you in the face just like Alfred was punching Penguin, 'cause there's something wrong with you! You need new glasses or something!"

The Arcade has a Foo Fighters pinball machine. 

RD wrote about John Tenta.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [9] (Burgess Meredith) [9]
• Unaired Special Guest Villain: Killer Moth (Tim Herbert)
  

Episode 82: Holy Chowder!: March 12, 2023

Penguin's Disastrous End
February 2, 1967
"The Penguin attempts his scheme's masterstroke, complete with an audacious means of escape no one will see coming."
65 minutes

RD: Dizzy Filet of Soul. Vince thought it said "filly". He is quite excited today, although the episode wasn't as top tier as the earlier two.

The ABA was formed on the original air date, including Vince's beloved New York Nets Americans.

Narrator: "When we last saw Batman and Robin, they were locked into suits of armor and about to be pressed into paperweights by a giant hydraulic crusher. In just one moment, we'll see the crunching finish of our adventure."

Of course the Duo easily break out of the cube they were "crushed" in, completely unharmed from being under "a hundred thousand pounds of pressure". Why it's simple: they also keep the Batmobile's spare tires in their utility belts, which they use to push against the crusher and give them space. But of course. RD demonstrates to an incredulous Vince with some risque arm movements. 

Meanwhile Penguin is in Aunt Hilda's lair telling his goons to store their armor. (:08) When a goon asks why Penguin just gives him a dirty look. 

Penguin: "You got any more stupid questions?"
Goon: "Uh, no, boss."
Penguin: "All right, then close the door. And lock it, fink. Now, where is that dizzy filly of soul and her dizzier aunt, huh?"
Marsha: "I'm not so sure I like being called dizzy, darling."
Hilda: "And I'm not sure I like all those bumpkins cluttering up my nice cave."

She is not sure if she wants to make a stronger love potion for their "diabolical caper" since they are all "barging in here like a rude gang of rowdies."
Marsha: "Oh, don't be angry, Aunt Hilda. After all, Penguin has no place else to go."
Penguin: "No, Auntie. You wouldn't want a poor, homeless bird thrown out into the street, would you? Quack. Quack."

Hilda relents and goes to concoct it, as Penguin needs it to break into a subtreasury to steal $10 million in gold and use it with his stolen military plans.
Marsha: "Why don't you just use the suits of armor?"
Penguin: "That worked once. It won't work a second time."
Yes, it's not as if it proved its use after breaking into the Pentagon Hexagon. 

Unfortunately Hilda is out of lizards, so the potion won't be as potent. Again. Marsha decides to help for once with the secret ingredient of dance: "Don't get yourself in a stew, Pengy."

At Gordon's Office, O'Hara wants to throw Penguin into a scrap pile.
Gordon: "Rock pile would be more appropriate, chief, since there is one at Gotham State Prison."
Vince: "Is that a real thing?"
RD: "MRS DEAL! GET TAMMY SYTCH ON THE LINE!"
Vince: "Maybe Tammy Sytch is making licenses."

Gordon tells Batman that Penguin's plans were outdated by more than 20 years, so much so that they are not on any inventory lists. They do however have "special meta-piercing bullets" in case Penguin decides to use his armor again, assuming the police can actually hit. 

Also for some reason "the police switchboard is flooded with calls about hundreds of lizards running around the Murray Park section of Gotham City." Batman thinks they could lead them to Aunt Hilda. To the park!

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in the basement of the subtreasury building, $10 million worth of gold bullion is being carefully guarded."
The guards complain about their job before they hear the soundtrack. It's Hilda playing snake charming music for Marsha who starts disrobing (as part of her dance of the seven veils). Penguin and goons use the distraction to ambush them and go for the gold.  

The Duo meanwhile have found a manhole where many lizards have been reported emerging from, so they Batrope down into the lair. It's not completely empty; one goon is trying to open up a safe, putting up no resistance as they cuff him.
Batman: "There is no honor among thieves, Robin. (He opens the safe.) It's not difficult if you have
steady nerves and a good ear, qualities destroyed by the tenor of criminal life."
The goon refuses to talk about Penguin's plan. " I might steal, but I don't squeal. And like the Penguin says, after this caper, Gotham City is gonna be in the soup."
Of course this is enough for Batman to figure it out, so they leave him tied to a door as they go back to to the Batcave. 

Robin: "How did that remark tell you where Penguin is?"
Batman: "It wasn't what he said, Robin, but what Penguin had said."
Robin: "You mean about being in the soup?"
Batman: "Knowing the Penguin's twisted mind, he could mean only one thing."
Robin: "Soup?"
Batman: "Name a few, Robin."
Robin: "Chowder. Stew. Ragout. Bouillabaisse. Bouillon. ... Bullion!"
Batman: "Exactly, old chum. Bullion. Penguin is undoubtedly at the federal subtreasury at this very moment. And I'd better call Chief O'Hara."

The Bros argue over if chowder is a soup. (:20 - :27)

Despite the diversion (of the Bros arguing) Marsha is only now at one veil left. At Penguin's sign she blows something to knock out the guards, just as the Duo arrive. The villains respond by...running into the vault and locking the door behind them. The Duo and police take up siege positions to wait them out.

Of course this is all part of Pengy's plan; he brought an oxygen tank, his goons brought construction tools, Marsha got her clothes back and has a drink, Hilda brought her pipe to play on -
Penguin: "If I keep having to listen to that, I'll go straight."
Marsha: "Auntie only gets nervous in closed rooms, darling."
Penguin: "Why don't you try biting your nails?"

O'Hara: "He couldn't possibly escape, Batman. Why, even if he blew a hole in the wall, I've got 200 men stationed outside."
Batman: "I'm sure that you and your fine force of men in blue can handle anything in the realm of the ordinary, chief. But I have a hunch Penguin is cooking up something quite out of the ordinary."
RD: "Why don't they just open the safe?"
Vince: "What if [the villains]'re dead in there?"
My guess is they probably needed to stall for time to accommodate the later climactic set piece.
Anyway Robin breaks out a stethoscope Bat-sound amplifier and a "holy stereo" to eavesdrop.

Cut to Stately Wayne Manor.
TV Anchor: "This is the third day [emphasis mine] Penguin and his henchmen have been holed up inside the subtreasury vault."
Aunt Harriet (braless): "Three days, Alfred. Imagine that. What can he be doing inside there?"
Alfred: "I imagine that our law-enforcement agencies are asking the same question, madam."
Hard cut to the vault.
O'Hara: "What could that mangy creature be doing in there?"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Chief."
Gordon: "And what's he doing for food?"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Commissioner."
Robin: "And what's he -"
Batman: "I wish I knew, Robin."

Hilda has stopped playing by then to have a kitchen to cook up some toad stew (while wearing half a chef's hat). "Do you know how much vitamin B there is in the average toad? Just twice the daily minimum requirement."

Batman feels Penguin will now act, so he goes outside to check on their situation.

The goons announce they're finally done with their work, making Penguin smile in a golden aura: "That Batman thought he had me all wrapped up. That should teach that Caped Codfish something! Never  count your Penguins before they're latched."

As soon as Batman says he's worried, a gold (spray painted) M3 Stuart Light Tank bursts through the wall. (:37)
Robin: "Holy armadillos!"
Batman: "So those were the plans Penguin stole from the Hexagon. Yes, it all makes sense now. He set up his film company to steal the armor from the museum. He used the armor to steal the plans from the Hexagon. And used the plans to build a solid gold tank."
Gordon: "Now he's invulnerable, Batman."
Batman: "No one is invulnerable, Commissioner. Not even inside a tank."
O'Hara (going berserk): "I'll stop that mangy bird if it's the last thing I ever do!"
He moves his car two feet ahead in front of the tank.
Robin: "But he'll be crushed like a walnut!"
Batman: "The brave fool."

The Bros also compliment his foolhardy bravado, especially as the tank completely flattens the car. Penguin and Marsha pop out of the top to gloat as the Duo and Gordon rush to the now suddenly cardboard car. (O'Hara managed to escape into a manhole.)
Batman: "That was a brave gesture, Chief O'Hara. We need more than gestures to stop that fiend."
The Duo run to the Batmobile.

Non fink Howard Finkel was Vince's first driving colleague and introduced him to the Dairy Queen Blizzard.  He also heavily played the lottery.

The tank continues its wondering rampage...somehow. Forget it somehow going without gas (unless the goons brought some with them), solid gold is too soft to really take much hits. Forget the earlier armor-piercing bullets, just throw O'Hara as a human missile to make a dent.
Penguin: "How's it feel riding around in $20 million, Marsha?" (I didn't realize making it into a tank actually doubled its value.)
Marsha: "The springs aren't very good, darling."
Penguin: "Springs? Every bolt of this machine is worth a carload of springs. ... Who's firing that gun?"
Marsha: "Must be Aunt Hilda. She loves loud noises."
Penguin: "Stop that! Those shells are solid gold! Every time she fires that cannon, it costs $50,000!"
Marsha: "Oh, let her have some fun, Pengy. After all, you're a millionaire now." (Unlike before, when he already was?)
Penguin: "Even a millionaire blinks at $50,000!"

Batman (to Robin as they close in): "Can you handle the Batzooka?"
Robin: "The Batzooka! I forgot all about it. You bet I can handle it, Batman."
Batman: "I hope your aim is good." 

Thankfully Robin's stunt double has better aim than he does witty dialogue, and a clean hit easily stops the tank. 
Penguin: "That's a low-down, underhanded trick. Oh, and foiled again. It's exasperating."
Marsha: "Oh. Be a good loser, darling. Page from your own book, huh, Penguin?"
Penguin (to Hilda): "It's your fault! Wasting those golden shells."
Hilda: "Be quiet, dearie, or I'll turn you into a toad. Should I, Batman?"
Batman: "Thank you, but we have other plans for Penguin."
Marsha: "You know, darling, it really is a shame. You and I could have had a marvelous career in movies."
Batman: "I'm afraid your movie career will be interrupted for quite a while, Marsha."
The Bros wonder what she did that could be considered a crime. Indirect aiding and abetting is my guess.

Back at Stately Wayne Manor they somehow obtained the footage from the "movie" instead of giving it to the police as evidence.
Harriet: "It was very nice of Batman to donate Penguin's film to the Wayne Federation of Boys Clubs. I'm sure the boys will enjoy it."
A reminder: this was the same woman who as a member of the "Gotham City Film Decency League" wanted to see the film stopped. Vince reminds that she spent her bra money on drinking instead.
Dick: "Too bad Penguin and Marsha can't see it."
Bruce: "Somehow I doubt if they'd want to, Dick. Besides, by the time they get out of prison, this film will probably be on the late show."
Harriet: "Whatever happened to that weird old lady who was related to Marsha?"
Bruce: "Aunt Hilda? She's back at her old post, teaching a cooking class at the Bruce Wayne School of Home Economics. She never would have left in the first place if it hadn't been for her niece Marsha."
RD wondered why they arrested Marsha for not doing anything, while letting the potion making, tank turret shooting woman go free.
Harriet: "You know, Bruce, I think Batman is quite a good actor. Oh, my, he's very romantic."
Bruce: "I think Batman would appreciate your compliment, Aunt Harriet. Well, perhaps Batman has some show business in his blood."
Alfred: "Don't we all, sir? (To the camera) Don't we all?"

Vince almost forgets to rate the women just before they end recording. (:62) RD gives Hilda 4 Batpoles. Vince has 3.75. (Remember, Estelle Winwood was 84.) The two did not rate Marsha on her last appearance, so they give her 6. If it was as Morticia Addams they would have given 7.5.

Scott Keith of the Blog of Doom will also join in with the induction writing.  

Bill Apter is still not yet in the WWE Hall of Fame.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 3. Burgess, anniversaries, writers and editors and stuff
  
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1.  Spare tires
  

Episode 81: Holy Clanking Crusaders!: March 5, 2023

Penguin Sets a Trend
February 1, 1967
"In order to keep a close eye on the Penguin (and hopefully locate the stolen chain mail armor), Batman and Robin rejoin Penguin's movie efforts. The next part of his film is to take place in medieval times. Therefore, Penguin has the Dynamic Duo dress in armor suits, but only to trap them with a giant magnet while he snatches top-secret papers from the Hexagon. Batman and Robin free themselves and follow the villain, but after a losing battle with him, the Penguin has them hauled off as scrap metal to be crushed."
63 minutes

RD Won't Resort to Mendacity. Vince has a subtitle of his own, being 30 Days to Opening Day. He always feels tired after recording the progrem at 4 pm. Now he knows how I feel after trying to summarize it.

Narrator: "When last we saw the Dynamic Duo they were in the Penguin's catapult about to be launched over Gotham City and land like a pair of squashed tomatoes with Penguin's cameras set to record their horrible death! ... We'll be back in 60 seconds with the smashing climax."

Vince wonders if there would ever be a Batman who would become terrified in whatever situation he ends up in. RD wonders how Penguin's snuff film would be successful.

Robin: "Holy cliffhangers, Batman!"

Calm and collected Batman takes the time to calculate the cube root of pi and determine where they will land, ideally straight into a remote controlled Batmobile. RD thinks they should have figured out how to get out of their trap rather than guess if they will survive direct impact.
Vince: "How did he figure that out?"
RD: "Because he's Batman."

The catapult fires two dummies ten feet straight into the clouds, giving Batman literal air to remote control his vehicle. Also its raining below them, and the Batmobile has to stop on the road for some children to move. Vince wondered what would have happened if it ran them over. RD knows what the Penguin would add to his film. But of course the Batmobile gets to the Duo in time, deploying a net to catch them. They then walk over the chassis to get in to drive to the Office.
Robin: "Remind me to give the Batmobile an extra quart of oil next time we change it."
Batman: "And now we have to get our hands on a certain oily bird."
RD has to warn not to do such a stupid idea like that in real life.

Vince bought a John Wick rug for his grandchild who was a fan of "Canoe Reeves". His wife did not approve. 

O'Hara: "The nerve of that vulture! We'll catapult him right behind bars where he belongs!" (:17)
Vince is sure Penguin would beat up the Chief every time. RD would bet on the Chief since he has experience with drunken brawls.
The Duos can't just go straight for the villain for fear of losing the stolen armor, so they have to go back to his film shoot.
O'Hara: "Sure and he'll be suspicious, Batman."
Batman: "I hope he is, Chief O'Hara. Suspicion often provides surprises."

Penguin: "And so my Caped Canaries, you have survived your little flight through space, and now you would like to rejoin my film company? QUACK! What do you take me for, a fool? You don't fool me,
Dynamic Double-Talker! There's some hideously honest motive behind all this. You're trying to trick
me, huh? QUACK! Out of my office, quick. Out! Out! Keep moving, you Cupcake Crusaders! You Dynamic Dingbats!" 

Vince: "Do you know exactly what a dingbat is?"
RD: "I do not know what a dingbat is, but I think I'm talking to one."
Vince aims to forget looking up the term for next time.

The Duo walk into the adjoining office where Batman notices the intercom is on and connected to Penguin's. So he takes the opportunity to melodramatically plead to get back to acting. "I'm afraid I've got it bad, Robin baby."

All of a sudden Penguin is listening while carrying a poodle named Mac, and puts it on his desk. (:24) RD reminisces about his old poodles Raleigh and Piper. Both remember their dealings with Piper. The man, not the poodle. Vince out when appearing on Piper's podcast that their heat came from Piper thinking Vince sent Ed Ferrara to meet him first in some sort of power dynamic rather than a misunderstood chance encounter. 

Anyway Penguin takes the bait and invites the Duo back to his movie. "I was once a struggling young actor myself."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in an isolated section of Gotham Central Park, Marsha and her aunt Hilda are looking for elderly toads for Aunt Hilda's evil potion."
Marsha: "How long are we going to have to wait?"
Hilda: "Last time I waited two weeks."

Thus concludes Marsha's (and Hilda's) lone scene on today's episode.

Robin (back in the Batcave): "Great acting job, Batman. You could run for senator. Or governor."
Batman: "Thank you, Robin. Who knows, perhaps I do have a little touch of show business in my blood."
Robin (checking the script): "Holy history. Penguin's gone from Rome to the Middle Ages. The second part of his script is set in medieval England."
Batman: "It doesn't surprise me, Robin. The criminal mind is characteristically erratic and unstable."
Robin: "And gullible. He fell for that act of yours hook, line and sinker."
Batman: "Needless to say, old chum, I don't like having to resort to such mendacity. But considering the
circumstances, I think it was justified."

Returned to the shooting set, the Duo are now wearing large suits of "quite ordinary armor". (:36) As they lumber onto their spots, some goons sneak up behind them and pin them with a two-ton electromagnet.
Robin: "You underhanded weasel!"
Penguin: "Thanks for the compliment, Boy Bigmouth."
They are hoisted up into the air. Penguin will deal with them later after "a little appointment with General MacGruder at the Pentagon Hexagon. It seems the good general also has a yen to be a movie actor." He order his also armored (with the stolen gear) "Von Pengy's Blitzkrieg" to march behind him as they leave.
Vince keeps seeing his smoking ashes all over his suit.

Robin: "Holy catastrophes, Batman! I'd sooner see the Russians in the Hexagon than Penguin!"
Batman: "We must stop him, Robin. The Generals at the Hexagon are capable men, but they're trained in open warfare, not the devious kind that Penguin practices. I don't know why they can't just make a deal to send him to Vietnam to help our boys out."

Of course MacGruder is more than happy to work with the Penguin. What, the US military working with Hollywood? Get out of here!
MacGruder: "You, uh, did say that there might be a little part in the picture for me, huh?"
Penguin: "A little part, sir? For a man of your acting ability, there is a colossal part. It is two lines longer than Hamlet, sir."
Shakespeare's longest play of 4,000 lines could take more than four hours to run through, even today. That is unless Penguin meant a shortened radio version, of which Meredith would have had some experience at.)
MacGruder: "Then you do think I have some acting ability, huh?"
Penguin: "Oh, I think all generals do, sir. I think it's part of their equipment, like, uh...like gills on a fish."
He offers the General "an exclusive five-year contract" when he retires.

Major Beasley then enters, so Penguin offers him "an exclusive five-year contract". (He quickly revises his contract for the General to 10 years.) He asks Beasley about Room X, which connects to Room Y, which connects to Room Z. He orders his finks crew there to steal its contents.

MacGruder: "They're heading for Room Z. Beasley, call the cavalry."
Beasley: "Sir, we haven't had any cavalry since 1910."
MacGruder: "Oh. Well, call the army."
Beasley: "Yes sir...sir, we are the army!"
MacGruder: "WELL GET SOME MEN UP HERE! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!"

(Of note: Bob Hastings as the Major was parodying his role as Lt. Carpenter on McHale's Navy. He would also do very well in voice acting including...Commissioner Gordon (from The Animated Series until his death). He probably learned from General Alan Reed who among many roles in his storied career was the original Fred Flintstone.)

They somehow muster some men, perhaps remembering that the US Army does still have cavalry (where do they think their tanks and armored vehicles are?).
MacGruder (to himself): "Remember the Alamo, MacGruder. Remember Custer...No, no, let's forget Custer. Remember Grant and Lee, and Teddy Roosevelt charging up San Juan Hill. That's it. Remember Teddy Roosevelt."
He has his men fix bayonets before charging in, only to find the armor impervious to their bullets.
During the 'skirmish', among the contents the goons rummage through are "Corn Cob Pipes", of the kind General MacArthur sometimes enjoyed, and "Pearl Handled Revolvers", of the kind General Patton was reported to have handled. 

Meanwhile the Duo are still stuck. (:45) Batman has another idea. He throws something at a nearby lamp to short circuit it, cutting off all the power, including to the magnet. They have no time to get out of their armor as they rush to the Hexagon. 

The villains escape in a blue van despite the soldiers trying to shoot at the tires.
MacGruder: "We have no choice, Beasley. Call the Air Force."
Beasley (noticing the Batmobile): "Sir, I think we may have something better than the Air Force."
Cue car chase with the Duo still in their armor. All the better to hide their stunt doubles, I'm sure.

Batman predicts the blue van can not support the weight of the Knights of the Round Table and their footwork impeccable, and sure enough the next turn flattens one of the tires, causing everyone to run into the nearby alleyway. 

Penguin orders his goons to fall back to their (only a model) lair: "I'll hold off the Clanking Crusaders." He then picks up and rolls barrels at them ala Donkey Kong, bowling the armored Duo down, then gasses them just to be sure. "Now you're in the trash heap where you belong, Dynamic Dodos."
At that moment, a dump truck for Jolly Jim's Scrap Metal Yard pulls up. Penguin offers the crew $10 for some "Scrapped Crusaders". 

And so the Duo are dropped straight into a trash compactor about to be smashed into a cube. And without any protocol droids around to help stop the machinery!

Narrator: "The Dynamic Duo a pair of paper weights? This time the pressure is really on them! Tune in tomorrow for the crushing finale! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

While he was not in this story, RD received a clip of Cesar Romero in the Joker makeup promoting the Movie. (:54)

RD wrote about an early Ultimate Warrior "match" where even then he was not sure what to do. Bobby Heenan would remember how bad his bouts were even with Andre the Giant. Vince remembered how Warrior would satiate his sugar fix by crushing Mrs. Field cookies and inhaling their scent.

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• Window Celebrity: 2. Alan Reed, Bob Hastings
• Blue Van: 1
• Screen Shares: 1. Vince
  

Episode 80: Holy Boy Blowhard!: February 26, 2023

Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend
January 26, 1967
"Penguin forms a motion picture company and teams up with Marsha, Queen of Diamonds. He gets Batman and Robin to take part in his movie. Marsha attempts to put Batman under her spell with drugged lipstick during the love scene."
57 minutes

Vince: "You got that grin on your face bro."
RD: Boy Blunderhead: "Just happy to be here."

Chicago suffered its worst snowstorm on the original airdate. 

Narrator: "An apparently peaceful day in Gotham City. BUT WHAT IS THIS? An armored-car holdup in broad daylight?"

As expected from the title, this is the work of the Penguin, who orders his goons with a trademark quack through a megaphone. The Batmobile is around closer than usual to intervene.
Robin: "We're going to be late for that lecture to the Crime Prevention League. Sounds like we may pick up new material for the lecture."
Batman: "There's nothing like a little on-the-job research, old chum."

The Duo's stunt doubles jump out in a bright glare.
Penguin: "What are you buttinskies doing here? ... This is legal, I tell you! It's legal!"
Batman: "Have you heard anything about legalized thievery, Robin?"
Robin: "Can't say that I have, Batman."
Penguin: "I'll wipe those silly smirks off your faces in court! I'll sue you for assault and battery and aggravated interference!"
Batman: " You're witnessing the final disintegration of a criminal brain, Robin. Years of outlawry have
taken their inevitable toll."
Robin: "But he's right about our being in court, Batman. We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses when they try you for armed robbery!"

All of a sudden O'Hara appears - to take the Penguin's side. The Duo have crashed straight into a movie shoot as directed by the (usually villainous) millionaire. Because you can do that after being arrested for the show's earlier three-part story.
Penguin: "This permit isn't a mock-up, Boy Blunderhead! It's signed and sealed by the Gotham City Motion Picture Commission. And I'm gonna sue the city for $10 million for failure to provide proper protection. Do you hear that, Batman? Ten million dollars! Do you hear that, Batman? Jail! But I'm willing to make a deal."
To the titles!
Vince wonders how they come up with the monetary amounts and why they keep fluctuating. 

Gordon finds out post-hand in his Office that the Duo had signed a contract to star in the movie, and that he too knew about the movie shoot. (:11)
Batman: "Yes, I saw the movie equipment as we drove up. I didn't have time to explain, but I wanted Penguin to think that he'd trapped us. When someone like Penguin sets up a movie company, you can be sure it's not only film he's after."
He can use their involvement to keep an eye on the man and his plans. Vince thinks he was just lying about knowing about the movie to cover that for once he didn't know everything going on in the City.

Meanwhile Penguin is peeved that his co-star...in villainy!...Marsha (Queen of Diamonds) is two hours late. He then dials his phone.

Penguin: "Prop Department?"
Set Department: "No, Mr. Penguin. This is the Set Department."
Penguin (hits another button): "Prop Department?"
Publicity: "Sorry, Mr. Penguin. This is Publicity."
Penguin (hits another button): "Prop Department? (hits another) Prop Department? (another) PROP DEPARTMENT?"
Prop Department: "Yes, Mr. Penguin?"
Penguin: "I forgot what I wanted you for."

But then he remembers the 24,000 gallons of milk needed for Scene 12, which is coming in now. RD would become an arch-villain himself if he could get that much. 

Also there was one pretty lady as his secretary, who only appears for three seconds, too short to be rated.

Marsha finally appears in a large white glare and diamond eye-shadow, and has to take his Pengymobile to reach him "across this football field you call an office".

Marsha: "You wouldn't have asked me here if you didn't want something."
Penguin: "I want to make you a millionairess.
Marsha: "How boring. I'm already a millionairess.
Penguin: "Then how would you like to be a billionairess? All you have to do is to become my partner in
this motion-picture company."
Marsha: "Oh, come, now, Pengy. You don't really think there's a billion dollars in filmmaking."

She agrees to join him and its obvious front. He wants some of her diamonds for her help. She wants to star in his movie.
Penguin: "Well, I was thinking of somebody with more...(He grabs phantom breasts on his chest.) With more "waaah.""
He actually means that she will be co-starring with Batman.
Marsha: "Does Batman have a love scene with the leading lady in your film?"
Penguin: "Why, of course. Who ever heard of a film without a love scene?"
Marsha: "Then I shall be your leading lady. Or no diamonds. I might even be able to get my Aunt Hilda
to whip up a love potion for my lipstick. ... I wouldn't mind winning an Oscar."
Penguin: "An Oscar? Heh! You don't want one of those. My dear, if you play along with me, you are liable to win the most coveted award in the entire motion-picture business. You are liable to win... (he pulls out a familiarly shaped gold statue) ...a Penguin!"
Vince is hopeful the Pengy (statue) is in storage someplace. "Thank God."

In the Batcave the Duo look over the script, "innocent enough" in ancient Rome.
Robin: "But holy miscasts, Batman! We play a pair of barbarian bandits sentenced to fight as gladiators in the Coliseum."
Batman: "Casting us as bandits would appeal to Penguin's warped sense of humor."
He then comes along something dubious in Scene 12, which may need a look over from the "Gotham City Film Decency League". Robin takes a while to be pulled out of his reading by his mentor to agree.
Vince still wonders why the Duo call each other Batman & Robin even when alone in the Batcave. RD wonders if his wife calls him by a different name if so. Also the Duo want to be cautious in case they call each other Bruce & Dick in public.

The Duo making their way to Penguin Studios Inc. the next day almost get run over by a chauffeur trying to give them a dirty red carpet to walk on. (:23)
Penguin: "Well, if it isn't my two ham actors."
Robin: "The only ham here is wearing a top hat."
Penguin: "Tut-tut, Boy Bungler, we can't all be great artists."
They're already going to start shooting the Scene 12, set in the Baths. 
Penguin: "It's a fantastically magnificent scene. I wrote it myself."

Also all the cameramen are blindfolded, to keep them from seeing Marsha arriving fully nude but for a very short bathrobe. Penguin has her "outfit" of three diamonds carried in a suitcase for her to wear.

This is also the right timing for Aunt Harriet to appear (driven by Alfred), since she is a member of this League 'summoned' in protest. You don't say. "Could you point out someone called Mr. Penguin to me?"

Penguin: "This is outrageous. As the leading entrepreneur of Gotham City I will not submit to having one page of my masterpiece enfeebled. And we will not submit to such bullying tones. Kindly remove your Victorian mind from my set, Mrs. C."
Harriet: "Only when you remove this morbid scene from your film. Think of the children!"
Penguin: "I am thinking of the children, madam! Look at this. Twenty-three thousand quarts of homogenized milk here. Fortified with vitamin C. [Wasn't it supposed to be 24 thousand? Did Penguin drink a full thousand gallons of milk?] I tell you, this whole scene is bursting with minerals and vitamins."
Harriet: "This scene is bursting with other things as well."
Penguin: "I suspect this is your doing, masked meddlers. You're always poking your proboscis into other people's business."
Batman: "Decency is everybody's business, Penguin."

He acquiesces to their demands though. So he instead prepares to shoot Scene 43 - where Batman and Marsha share a kiss. Batman is so upset he sits down into a Thinker pose. 

Marsha: "I trust you're going to enjoy this scene, Batman, darling."
Batman: "I made a bargain with Penguin, and I never break my word."
Marsha: "Bargain? Why, half the men in the world would fight to be kissed by Marsha, Queen of Diamonds."
Batman: "They certainly wouldn't have to fight me."

So - Action! She gives him a giant kiss.
Penguin: "Cut it! That's not good enough! Batman, I want you to put some "grahhh" into it! We'll do it again and again and again!"
Robin: "Once is enough, you feathered fraud!"
Penguin: "Tut-tut, Boy Bluenose!"
Marsha: "Penguin is a perfectionist. I'll do it a hundred times if it's necessary. And it will be necessary."

Cut to Stately Wayne Manor. Harriet wonders why pool-playing Bruce has some very chapped lips. (:29) He blames "windburn" when he and Dick visited the Wayne Animal Sanctuary. She pledges to get some salve for it. "Just in case a pretty girl wants to kiss you."

RD is allergic to poison ivy. The plant, not the villainess. 

Dick: "Boy, I'll bet you'll never wanna kiss another girl as long as you live, Bruce."
Bruce: "I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Dick. You're jumping to a rash conclusion."
He thinks there was some "elixir" in the lipstick that needed "a great amount of concentration to combat".
As they will next be shooting in the Museum of Antiquities he had already placed Bat-homing devices on all the art, of which Alfred confirms that they are...still inside. Bruce counters by holding a golf club as his pool cue. 

RD likes mini-golf instead of maxi-golf. 

At the Studio the villains ride on a golf cart (speaking of golf) with an open umbrella at the back. Things are going as planned, but he needs more of Aunt Hilda's concoctions.
Penguin: "I never trust a woman with a secret. And if you're nothing else, Marsha, you're certainly a woman."
Marsha: "A woman with diamonds, darling."

They visit Hilda anyway, back at her giant cauldron with some random creature model inside it (named Mortimer).
Marsha: "Aunt Hilda, have you been robbing graveyards again?"
Hilda: "Oh, no, dearie. I left off that 20 years ago, when I was chemistry professor at Vassar. Until I quit."
Marsha asks for something stronger since the last attempt didn't do much to Batman.
Hilda: "Oh  dear. I'm afraid I'm out of old toads too."
Marsha: "Can't you substitute some new toads?"
The Bros think she should have aged some new toads to older ones, like they're wine or something.

Cut to the Duo at the Museum, still confirming the objects are all still there. (:35)
Batman: "I'm still suspicious, Robin."
Penguin (overhearing): "Suspicious of what, Caped Codger? Don't tell me you're suspicious of the Penguin tampering with these priceless works of art."
Batman: "The thought did cross my mind."
Penguin: "What, a great filmmaker like myself stooping to a petty theft? Why, that's ridiculous."
Robin: "What's ridiculous is thinking you're a great filmmaker."
Penguin: "I write the lines around here, Boy Blowhard! You stick to the script."
Vince wishes he wrote some of these lines in the WWF. 

The museum's curator appears, declaring some 15th century chain mail is gone. Batman suddenly realizes the metal alloy's magnetic field could have "blocked our homing transmission". Penguin responds by having the Duo go through a "light rehearsal" of a fight.
Penguin: "Skewer the scrofulous scullion. Spear him like a cucumber!"
The fight has some really bad swordfighting, including Robin butt-slapping a goon with the broad side.
Seeing the fight go badly (in general, not just with the swordfighting), Penguin cheats by blinding the Duo with a spotlight to trap them. 

Thus the two are tied down in a giant catapult.
Penguin: "This catapult will hurl you through the sky and across Gotham City. I'm sure you'll make a big splash at the other end of your journey. And your last moments on Earth will be recorded for posterity by those two cameras that I've strapped to your legs. And I'll show the film at a special premiere for the Benefit of the Amalgamated Crooks of Gotham City. The In-Flight Motion Pictures Benefit of Penguin Productions Unlimited. Good flight, masked missiles! We'll watch from a better vantage point!"

Narrator: "The Caped Crusaders to end smashed flat? While Pengy's cameras record the splat? Eu tu, Pengy? Friends, Romans, Countrymen, find out next week! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

:40 Vince was reminded somehow of watching old WWE Attitude Era of Sunny dressed as Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday. He remembers when they did a photo-shoot with her that she had no recollection of doing.

RD is ambivalent to Girl Scout cookies. His mainstay is always his wife's oatmeal scotchies (without raisins). 

Vince's cereal of choice is Life. RD's remains Peanut Butter Crunch.

RD still hates Subway. 

Andre the Giant had some sometimes strange matches.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [8] (Burgess Meredith) [8]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess:  Marsha [2] (Carolyn Jones) [2]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Captain Lou