(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the Wrestlecrap Radio character.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)
How ya doin' tonight nerds!
I've waited weeks for that damn Honky Tonk Mailman to deliver Sir Alec's erotic Fan-fiction and Kama Sutra books, and they only just arrived today! So earlier tonight I convinced my wife (it's around the four year Anniversary since she last **** me!) to try some of the "moves"! First, I got her in the mood by reading her a story, in my sexy southern voice, about Sunny being ****ed by a Gorilla! Then we were just about to try this position, that I haven't done in years, called "Missionary"...and the only thing that got ****ed tonight was my damn back!! So I left the room to get some aspirin, and by the time I returned, she had fallen asleep! I also found that the Fan-fiction book was opened on a story about Johnny Age having a Talent Relations orgy!! F***!!!
So tonight I'm now stuck answering your dumb questions!
Kyle Crow asks: I'm gonna start a petition to get you unbanned from Blade Braxton's new show! I'm just trying to get you some work, maybe even laid!!!
Rip up that petition! I told you nerds before that I don't want to be on that c***s***er's show anyway! Plus I don't need your help getting work; I have my BBQ and Gardening business, announce NXT, and I also have this mailbag blog if I need to vent! And I bet that lazy a** b*****d's show will never even see the light of day, so who gives a ****!
And don't rub it in about me not getting laid you son of a *****!
Greg Diener asks: DAMNIT JIM! I hope you are happy by this news!
Why would I be happy that "Mr Penis" got injured!? Marc Summers is the only guy called "Mark" I actually like...wait no...f*** Marc Summers! That ****head never mentioned my BBQ sauce on his Food Network show! But he loved that K.C. Masterpiece s**t; which tastes like that green slime from that stupid kid's show he used to host! I hope he's crippled!
(R.V.M Kai's edit: JIIIIM! We at wrestlecrapradio.com wish Marc Summers a speedy recovery.)
Lawrence P asks: You jelly because I have this...? Where is your JR's BBQ cologne? Maybe if you had it Dark Journey would fuck you!
Watch your ****ing language! For one, why would Dark Journey **** me if I was wearing that p*** water of yours?! Secondly, of course I'm jealous! Those c***s****rs at Pork Barrel stole my idea! Hollywood John and I have been working on a "real man's" cologne for months! It was supposed to be a mixture of liquid smoke extracted vigorously from my Pulled Pork! And they even stole my name and shortened it: I was going to call it "Fa Que Self"!
Chuck Estevez asks: Jim, did you see any of the "Anger Management" segments on RAW? You definitely need some Anger management yourself.
I don't watch that gawd awful WWE programming, even though I still work for them! But I did see it on that new invention called "YouTube"! When Kane was mentioning all the crazy **** he'd done, it gave me flashbacks of the time that sick sum b***h lit up my ass like a BBQ?!
And what do you ****ing mean I need ****ing Anger ****ing Management you ****ing ****! How's that for a ****ing "Anger Collage"?! **** Yourself!
Mike Check asks: Hello Jim! It’s ole Mike Check. Well my daughter right now decided to treat me to this fancy drinking place called "Starbucks". Now my daughter, who's one hell of a whiz-kid I have to say, told me that you can do this Internet thing here and send something called an email. I have to tell you it's quite odd doing the Internet across from the gas station near Route 66. Anyway, I came across your Mailbag column and it reminded me of the time we used to work together in the Norman, Oklahoma market. We D.J.’ed at a radio station known as K.N.C.R: "The Knocker"! I was going under the name, Jake Boomer, and you were a young rookie announcer called, Bill Sooner. Our show was the "Boomer Sooner Crooner Hour". One of the many...many...many...many...popular artists we used to play, other than Sinatra and Crosby, was Oklahoma born Jack Owens, aka "The Cruising Crooner". The reason he was called that was because of his reputation of "cruising" through the fine young fillies during his act...just like when we used to "cruise" through all those Jezebels and then break their hearts back before you met your wife. Speaking of breaking hearts, as R.J. and Brad used to say, one of Jack’s hits we used to play was "Heartbreaker". Thanks to my daughter, I’m sending it to you courtesy of The Mike Check Show on "The Whacker"!
Click Here For Song
P.S. I almost forgot, my daughter wants me to tell you to keep this email just between us.
After six ****ing hours, I kept falling asleep! I'm not gonna read all that ****!
(R.V.M Kai's edit: Raging_Demons, you might want to read this?)
Lawrence P asks: What is more recent, The last time Bill Watts was Midsouth Champ or the last time your wife had sex with you? *&$% Yourself!
That's my line you son of a b***h!! Well seeing that my wife still hasn't even ****ed me tonight; the last time would have been around September 2008! So you do the Math smart***!
Now seeing that my wife is still asleep, looks like now I'll have to put that 1987 issue of "Leg Show" (that Honky also finally delivered) featuring Dark Journey to good use! F*** YOURSELVES!
To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.