Previously on Total Divas…
Episode 5: “Feuding Funkadactyls” OR “The Oncoming Storm”
We start off with the NXT Divas putting bronzer on each other before they go to the gym, which Eva Marie does because just in case she’ll run into someone. The NXT Divas head into the gym to get in their daily workout but then they change their minds & horse around by doing some headlocks on one another & they run into “Shield” member Roman Reigns. They have some small talk & the Divas leave. Eva Marie has another sexy crush feeling again & this time it’s on Roman Reigns!
Total Divas Entrance of Illegal Water Torture!
We’re at Natalya & Tyson Kidd’s home where the couple are having some fun in the pool when they get a call from Tyson’s mother. Natalya will be wrestling at her home town of Calgary, Alberta, Canada for her “birthday week” but she does NOT want to spend time with Tyson’s mother. (RD: “Oh don’t tell me Natalya celebrates that crap! For those that don’t know what a ‘birthday week’ is it’s when women decide to stretch out the birthday celebration by making it one whole week of celebration. Honestly it is one of the stupidest things to happen. I mean if Jim Neidhart knew that a week from when Natalya was going to be conceived I’m betting he would wear a rubber or not have sex at all. Or even worse which would be Jim Neidhart having sex with The Bellas mom! Yes you heard me. Natalya Neidhart could have been Nattie Bella!” Just sayin’.”) Natalya gives Tyson the phone to he can speak to his mother & it looks like the mom is insisting that Natalya & Tyson spend the night at her place rather than at a hotel; Natalya is not too fond of that idea since Tyson’s mom has a small 1-Bedroom house & Natalya has to share the bed with the mom while Tyson sleeps on the sofa & she’s not too thrilled about that. Natalya asks Tyson to tell his mom that they are staying at a hotel.
New York, New York. Cameron visits Naomi in her hotel room. Naomi wants to spend the day crashing in her room but Cameron wants to go shopping. Cameron wants to take Naomi clothes shopping but Trinity is fighting hard to get out of it.
Now we’re heading out to…
Lance Storm: "Calgary…Alberta, Canada."
Inside the arena where The Bellas are learning their lines for the filming of a segment with The Funkadactlys about the WWE App. (RD:” Oh Lordie. Are we going to shill for that damn app here as well?!?”)
So The Bellas & Funkadactyls film their segment & afterwards they have some small talk. The Bellas are going to visit their mom this week & Bree wants to see their dad but Nikki doesn’t want to because dad’s an addict. Natalya arrives at the arena & she is very happy because not only its her birthday but her match is on RAW so everything is perfect…Until her match is a tag-team match with her partner Kaitlyn versus The Bellas & she loses to The Bellas. (RD: “OUCH!”) Soon afterwards Natalya & Tyson arrived at the hotel & Natalya wants sexy time! Our couple has a little foreplay then they get a call from Tyson’s mom which kills the mood; Natalya says that Tyson’s mom wants Tyson all to herself but it’s her “birthday week” so that’s not going to happen. Looks like plans have change as Tyson’s now spending the night at her mom’s home; Natalya’s not too thrilled about that.
Over to Los Angeles, CA as Nikki & boyfriend John Cena are having a couples night with Naomi & fiancé Jimmy Uso. Also joining the party is Cameron & her dumbass boyfriend Vincent; Cameron drops Vincent aside as The Funkadactyls enter because it was Cameron’s idea to go to a grand opening of a boutique. Naomi wants to just enter the store but Cameron insists they stay outside so the photographers take pictures of them. Naomi says the glamour of her job is okay but she would rather concentrate on her wrestling moves more than anything. (RD:”Wait a minute. You are trying to tell me that Naomi is a…Diva?!?”) Naomi walks away from the camera while Cameron enjoys every minute of it.
Over to Tampa, FL & “The Fortress of Solitude” a.k.a. Cena’s home. Cena’s making coffee while Nikki’s looking at some framed pictures & can’t tell who Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, & former U.S. President Franklin Delanor Roosevelt are. (RD:”Yes that did happen & yes Nikki’s a dumbass! She admitted to it!”) Cena’s trying to teach Nikki how to speak Chinese but she’s having a hard time to learn it because…
Nikki Bella: “It’s definitely hard to learn a different language. I know some Spanish, but Chinese is literally like…Chinese.”
(RD:”Nikki must be a great lay because no one can be that stupid!”)
Cena brings up how The Bellas are going to see their mom but when dear old dad comes up Nikki wants to change the subject. Cena wants Nikki to reconcile with her dad, Nikki doesn’t want to because of the fear of having her dad cause trouble all over again, Cena wants Nikki to talk to her dad in hoping that maybe things changed.
Lance Storm: "Calgary…Alberta, Canada."
Natalya’s having a lunch date with Tyson & his mom when Natalya gets a surprise visitor in the form of Tyson’s sister Valerie which Natalya is not too thrilled to see as well. Tyson’s mom brings up why Natalya’s at a hotel, Natalya brings up that she needs the hotel because of her popularity, mom brings up that family is important. Valerie brings up that Tyson’s been spending time with the family. Mom brings up Natalya & Tyson’s long relationship; Valerie wants them to have kids, mom thinks a bad idea, Valerie asked for Tyson’s opinion about wanting kids, Tyson was about to give his opinion when Natalya hushes him. Valerie brings up how Natalya & Tyson should take pre-marital counseling. (RD: “A little bit awkward there.”) Natalya & Tyson say they don’t have any issues but Natalya notices how mom is giving Tyson a lot of attention.
Back to Tampa, Fl where The Bellas are about to start their daily workout when Nikki brings up to Bree about wanting to makeup with dad if Bree goes with her, Bree totally agrees on that.
Over to the NXT Training Center where Naomi wants to create a new dance routine that’ll give new life to The Funkadactyls. Naomi wants to do some high-paced acrobatic moves but Cameron wants to go “Divalicious”. (RD:” For those that don’t know what the word "Divalicious is it's Cameron’s word when she was on ‘Tough Enough’. It’s what she thinks the WWE Divas are in her little moronic head.”) Cameron feels the conflict coming from both of them. Naomi wants them to do more in the ring but Cameron doesn’t like the acrobatic & wants them to concentrate on the camera because that’s what it’s all about. (RD:”Oh yeah sure; Cameron has that experience from that ONE episode of ‘Tough Enough’ that she did!”) Naomi is getting frustrated.
We’re back as The Bellas visit their family down in Brawley, CA & the only thing of interest here is The Bella’s grandmother wants to talk about how Bree’s boyfriend Daniel Bryan wants to use a compost heap which grandma thinks it’s a silly idea. Which leads us to…
Lance Storm: "Calgary…Alberta, Canada."
Natalya goes to visit a friend’s tanning salon to celebrate “herself”. (RD: “Like spacing out your own week for your birthday isn’t enough.”) Turns out that Natalya’s friend has an amateur wrestling background & helped her out with some of her wrestling moves. Natalya asks to get a spray tan from him. The friend wants to catch a dinner with Natalya so they can catch up on some old times.
Back to Brawley as The Bellas visit their dead grandfather’s grave & they keep mentioning how their grandfather would be proud of what they are doing right now. (RD:”Proud as is in being proud that Nikki is sleeping her way to the top?”) With The Bellas dad walking out on their lives it turns out that the granddad was their father figure growing up, Nikki says that it was her granddad that made her the woman she is today. (RD:”By having Nikki tell Cena ‘No ring, no anal!’ Just sayin’.”) A quick return trip once again to…
Lance Storm: "*sigh* Calgary…Alberta, Canada."
Natalya is getting dressed up because today is FINALLY her birthday! (RD:”PHEW! I mean after that hard celebrating of an entire week of ‘hey look at me awesomeness!’ Must be tiring.”) Natalya gets a call from Tyson that he’s down in the lobby so she meets him & Natalya notices something odd. Tyson isn’t dressed up for Natalya. Tyson says they are going to have dinner at her sister’s place so they can see his family because they are never here in Calgary. Natalya is upset because she wanted a dinner alone with her & Tyson not her, Tyson, & his family! Natalya returns to her room letting Tyson have dinner with his family. (RD: “Okay I’m split here. On one side the guy is right & you should see family. Then again they already saw the sister & mother earlier in the episode & adding to it we have a full ‘birthday week’ celebration crap! Then again this had to happen on Natalya’s birthday! Oh I’m so confused. I don’t know who to turn my hate on!”)
Over to Tampa, FL where The Funkadactyls & The NXT Divas decide to have a nice day off of go-karting. Eva Marie & Cameron goof around while Cameron says that she has to win everything or else she’ll have a “boo-boo face”. (RD: “Well not everything Miss ’you got your ass booted on Week 1 of Tough Enough’!”) After some fun time at go-karting the ladies have a competitive race & Cameron wins! Cameron grabs the first place “medal” & runs around as if she won the World Series. (RD:”Geez! This was a game. I mean come on!”) Naomi’s just happy that she had a good time while Cameron is being a sore winner. Naomi really doesn’t care who won the race but Cameron HAD TO RUB IT IN Naomi’s face that she’s the winner. (RD:”I’m starting to like Naomi as a person here & if Cameron pulled that crap in my face I would go Angry Jim Ross on her face & I would tell Cameron to go f**k herself!”) Naomi just couldn’t take any more of Cameron’s crap & had to slip in that she’s the one that wins their matches, Cameron brings up that she’s the speaker of the team. (RD: “If that’s what you call talent on the mike there Cameron that’s not a good job at it!”) Now Cameron’s pissy that Naomi took it personal. The NXT Divas are in some sort of joyful shock seeing The Funkadactyls bicker with one another. Naomi politely tells Cameron to shut up but Cameron responds with a “Pfft. Whatever” hand look & walks off. (RD:”Yeah real mature there.”) Naomi says nobody wants to hear her crap right now about being a winner, Cameron said she was KIDDING! (RD:”BULLSHIT!”) Eva Marie just wants to get the hell out of there so while she grabs JoJo to leave, Naomi shoves Cameron & then…THE FUNKADACTLYS EXPLODE!@! They both get into each other’s faces, Naomi dares Cameron to hit her, they both get into a little girl tussle with Cameron pie-facing Naomi & walks off!
We’re back as…THE FUNKADACTYLS EXPLODE…AGAIN! Now it just breaks down as it turns into an episode of “The Jerry Springer Show”. Naomi thinks Cameron thinks she has all that class but she has nothing. Naomi’s waiting on Cameron to do something but Cameron just walks off, Naomi calls out Cameron’s punk card! Hey you know what it’s time for! It’s time for us to go back to…
Lance Storm: "*sigh* Calgary…Alberta, Canada. Look I know there's this joke where my catchphrase used to be that I announced where my hometown was but you're killing this joke. Can I get paid now?"
(RD:"Sure thing Mr. Storm we'll have someone from Trolla pay you. Go to our Accounting Department & look for Nathaniel; he has a bad skin condition & ignore him saying 'brains' a lot since he's a big fan of 'The Walking Dead'.")
As Natalya decided that instead of having dinner with Tyson & his family she instead decides to have dinner with her friend from the suntan place Jaret. (RD:”In some guys that would be considered a WEE BIT whorish.”) Of course Natalya thought it was pretty nice for Jaret to make arrangements…at a very nice restaurant where they can be alone. (RD:”Hrm…If I didn’t know any better I would think that this Jaret guy wants to bang Natalya!”) They both have some small talk when Natalya slips out about how Tyson’s such a momma’s boy. Jaret comes out & says that maybe Natalya should look for someone else that makes her happy; someone that should take care of her, someone that rented out an entire restaurant (RD: “Jaret said that.”), someone that maybe...Owns his own suntan business (RD: “Me right there”). Jaret finally admits that Natalya should dump Tyson & be in a relationship with him instead! Natalya is speechless. (RD:”Whether it’s a good or bad speechless I don’t know.”)
Back to Brawley with The Bellas as Bree arranged a family meeting with dear old dad & they decided to bring brother JJ along. Daddy Bella comes in & is happily greeted by Bree & JJ while Nikki just wants to get the hell outta there.
Back at the appearance of Daddy Bellas & Nikki reluctantly hugs her father. Daddy Bellas wants to know what’s wrong with Nikki? Nikki says that Daddy basically left her & Bree & really screwed up her life. Nikki goes into one sob fest saying that it was her grand dad that became her father figure & wants Daddy Bella to go to hell. Daddy Bella sounds pretty remorseful & wants to redeem himself to Nikki.
Backstage at RAW where The Bellas are filming a segment with R-Truth & Natalya’s checking her phone. The Funkadactyls arrive separately since there’s still bad blood since they…EXPLODED! WWE Talent Relations Guru Jane Geddes brings up tonight’s Diva Match of a Six-Diva Tag Team Match of AJ Lee & The Bellas versus The Funkadactlys & Kaitlyn. The Funkadactlys get verbal about not wanting to work with each other, Jane asked for some private time with The Funkadactyls to see what’s going on. Naomi doesn’t want to deal with Cameron’s drama & asks to be sent back to NXT, Cameron calls out Naomi for acting unprofessionally, & then things self-destruct again! Jane breaks up the fight & says that it’s up to WWE Creative if they want to break up The Funkadactlys & IRONICALLY enough the Head of WWE Creative Stephy Bear is here & will arrange a meeting with them. The Funkadactlys fight again with Cameron storming out of the room & telling our cast how Naomi is SO wrong. (RD:”Yeah, real mature there & not Divalicious. I’m remembering why I hate Cameron SO MUCH!”)
The Funkadactlys get their meeting with Stephy Bear & Naomi’s hoping she can be free of Cameron! They have their meeting & Cameron says that they need to be professional but it started at their day-off go-karting & she admitted she acted like a big winner & says Naomi pushed her. Naomi admits to pushing Cameron. Stephy Bear is not happy with Naomi pushing Cameron, Naomi defends herself by saying that Cameron is pretty much involved in this as her. Stephy Bear is not happy with the way The Funkadactyls acted publicly but decides to grant Naomi’s request & tonight each of The Funkadactyls will get a singles match tonight. (RD: “Naomi has some decent ring skills while Cameron…*shiver*”)
RAW is about to start soon & we get The Funkadactly’s match information. Naomi vs. Alicia Fox & Cameron vs. Aksana. (RD: “Well that’s pretty fugly right there. Alicia Fox is as botchy as a Bella to the point where she can’t even do her damn finisher right! While Aksana on the other hand is well…meh but a meh on the bad side so advantage Cameron I guess?”) Cameron walks off thinking that she’ll be the star while Seamstress Sandra wants to know what’s going on with The Funkadactlys, Naomi gets all in Sandra’s face & walks off to get ready.
RAW’s alive & kicking as The Bellas go watch “Team Hell No” & Cena vs. The Shield. We see The Bellas actually get turned on by Cena & Daniel wrestling. (RD: “EW!”) Funkadactyl match number 1 is here & it’s Naomi/Alicia Fox with the cast & Jane watching backstage. Natalya notices Naomi already winded & notes to her inexperienced at working singles matches which makes Cameron happy. Naomi botches a Flying Body Splash on Alicia Fox which ended up landing on her face! In the end it was Alicia Fox that gets the win. Cameron’s turn next as she faces Aksana & Cameron’s running the match way too fast & she’s botchier than Naomi! (RD:” In fact Cameron’s so botchy that I miss Kelly Kelly in a WWE ring so I can she her ‘wrestle’ to get the taste of Cameron’s bad wrestling out of my mind!”) After seeing Cameron losing to Aksana & her horrific wrestling; Naomi decides to apologize Cameron for everything that happened. Cameron apologized to Naomi & they both decide to be a team again.
End of Show.
(RD: "Work delayed this but don't worry. I'll make it up to you soon.")