(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by former wrestling announcer Jim Ross & is NOT intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the character once heard on Wrestlecrap Radio.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: All views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do NOT reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com. But we do appreciate that, despite Jim being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself.)
Editor's Note (November 21, 2013): Angry Jim wrote his last Mailbag back in December 2012 & it was discontinued due to Jim's firing from wrestlecrapradio.com. Well around July 2013, wrestlecrapradio.com decided to reach out to Jim to write a one time only column to celebrate the Wrestlecrap Radio reunion. Around that same time, Jim decided to open a fireworks stand which ended, just like the rest of his side businesses, in a ball of flames. What also got BBQ'd (pun intended) was the floppy disk (I don't know why he can't use a USB drive, but that's another story?) that he saved his latest mailbag column on...or so we thought? It was recently discovered that the disk was actually hidden in his black cowboy hat all along (I guess he hardly ever takes that thing off?). Hopefully, we will be able to rope Jim in into doing a second "one time only" (if that makes any sense?) mailbag to update us on why WWE "retired" him, etc. But until then, here's the lost & "outdated" July mailbag column: [-RVM Kai]
How ya doin' tonight nerds?!
Those d***heads at wrestlecrapradio.com wished me luck in my "Future Endeavors" at the end of 2012! The reason that they gave was that since RD & Blade returned with a new podcast (which is bowling shoe ugly without me), I was no longer needed and they FIRED MY A**! Well those ****wits let me back on their "One time only episode of Wrestlecrap Radio, so these ***holes at wrestlecrapradio.com also let me back in doing a "one time only" Mailbag!
Well since the last time I wrote this, I decided to open up a side business. With the 4th of July over, & with your little brat still bugging about seeing more fireworks & to cooking up some smores, you would've had to wait until next year! That was until now that I have opened up the “Angry Jim's 5th of July Fireworks/BBQ Stand” in Oklahoma. Where you can celebrate the 4th of July everyday & get a free rub with every purchase! But so far, sales haven't been as good as expected with my slogan "Get your little brat a cake that explodes for his Birthday or shove those candles up your ***!" Also I think the **** cops might be trying to close me down, so I changed it to a Fireworks AND Burger Stand to throw those ***s off! So buy my new Angry Jim's "Fireworks Burger" today. It has a huge piece of meat between 2 large buns, dripping with sauce! Just how I like it!
Now on to your **** questions:
Amy Rickan asks: What are your thoughts on Jack Swagger's "Real American" gimmick?
Swagger calls himself a "Real American" huh?! I bet that jack*** doesn't even BBQ anymore! He's a disgrace to being an Okie & hate him for attacking my hat that time I tried to interview him on Smackdown! (That ***hole Vince wanted me to wear that that stupid thing in the first place and now he keeps getting the boys to rib me about me wearing it!) I would have whipped him like a Government Mule if Del Rio didn't stop me! And that's a shoot!
Oh, & unlike Swagger's "gimmick", I like immigrants! I should replace that in competent idiot Hollywood John with one at JR's BBQ!
Al Timate asks: I read on the dirt sheets that you recently had a meeting with UFC's Dana White? What was that about?
Yes it's true! I had a meeting with Dana White sometime in April to get my BBQ sauce Company a sponsorship deal with UFC! And that ****er couldn't come to an agreement with me just because he didn't like my "We Ground & Pound our Meat" slogan! He said it was the worst idea since my old "Squirt some of my sauce on your rump" campaign! I don't know what the ****ing problem with that was?!
So now what the **** am I gonna do with all these 8-sided BBQ sauce bottles?! Shove them up his ***! That's what!
Meg A. Watts asks: Jim, when's that Mid South DVD coming out?
Finally, a question that doesn't make me angry! I just interviewed Bill Watts for that Mid South DVD & it's coming out in September. But I'm not happy that WWE are going to censor some language...not Bill's, Mine! I don't know what the ****ing **** they ****ing mean? And I'm also mad they are cutting out our belching contest, not to mention that my 2 hour analysis of Dark Journey's leg scissors isn't even going to be included as a DVD extra! Well at least it's still a DVD full of good rasslin', not like the sports entertainment **** these days!
Two Count Kev asks: Maybe you could benefit from this book ?
Benefit from that ****?! How the **** does Marc Mero write a book about being “The Happiest Person in the World”?! He must have wrote it straight after he divorced that ***** Sable, I tell you what! And **** that ***hole for stealing my idea! Well, kind of...
[Yeah right Jim, firstly that's the worst Photoshop I've ever seen! ;) And if that IS "your book", give me one tip from it on how to be "Angry" -RVM Kai]
Edit: Well, one tip would be to go **** yourself I'm not giving anything away in my book for free!
[JIIIIM! –RVM Kai]
Raging Demons asks: Hey Jim! Can you die right now so we can enjoy a BBQ themed funeral...if you have the money that is?
F*** yourself I'm not dying anytime soon, so you can **** your ****ing question up your ***!
[JIIIIM! –RVM Kai]
Edit: Fine, I'll answer the damn question, your majesty (but he insulted me first)! For my BBQ themed funeral; I want to be cremated in a big BBQ and I want my ashes kept in an urn shaped bottle of my BBQ sauce! Happy!
Iron "Mark" Tyson asks: Oh no Jim! I heard that they are removing wrestling from the Olympics in 2020? Does that mean I won't see John Cena win a gold medal? That's ludicrous!
Cena can't win a Gold medal because he's a pro-rassler, not an amateur rassler. Pro-rasslin has never been in the Olympics you ****ing Mark!
Anyway, those sons of *****es from the IOC should be all punched in the ****s for taking away rasslin from the Olympics. If Danny Hodge wasn't still alive he'd be rolling in his grave right now! They can shove that Synchronized Swimming bull**** up your their ***!
Trash Losagain asks: Jim check out my favorite sauce @Cattleboyzsauce
If that's your favorite sauce then you must like diarrhea! Go **** yourself!
So go **** yourselves nerds, I have this WWE video game panel & my spoken word tour in England in August to prepare for and.....wait why are there those police outside my house?...
QUICK JOHN! HIDE THOSE **** FIRECRACKERS IN THE **** SHED!!...
I KNOW IT'S DARK BUT DON'T LIGHT THAT MATCH IN THERE YOU ******* *****! OH ****!!!.........
[*Several minutes later*]
...... ****! Another business venture literally up in smoke thanks to that ****** Hollywood John! Well, at least my job at WWE is safe!
To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.