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[Radio static]

"WELLLLLLLL fellers."


"It's me, Mike Check here, I'm back on the airwaves here on a live remote."

Give me a moment to catch my breath here. (Whew.) Much better. ... You do realize this isn't the WWCR Morning Drive you're calling into, right? Also how on earth did you even manage to reach me? I'm not exactly what you call short distance -

"Brad you're sounding a little off today. You under the weather? Is RJ treating you right? RJ are you there? You treating him right? Not bossing him around?"

Er, no. You're speaking to...(let's see here, how should I go about this...)...Primary Blake.

"Premier Blah? Oh, I remember you, you young greenhorn. You paid me to read ad copy for you that one time."

Correct. (Hah! Nailed it with the name for once! I must tell the Co-Fruitcakes about this later.) A year to the day too; time sure flies quickly. And thank you again. Truly you were worth every penny of your services. (Which wasn't much, admittedly.) Must have been some change of pace from your usual visits wasn't it?

"Yes indeed. It was very. Very. Very. Very. Very. Very. Very fascinating to do. It reminds me of the good ol' days back when I was a disc jockey, and my voice would reach millions and millions and millions of people across the globe, including some very. Very. Very. Very."


"Very. Very. Very pretty fillies who I could privately show my little Mike Check to if you know what -"

Er, sorry to interrupt your nostalgic trip going on there, but aren't you on the wrong website? You and your daughter are busy spinning your own golden tones somewhere else after all.

"Yep, "The Mike Check Show" where my daughter and yours truly, Mike Check, will be hosting another edition of "Love On The Ropes Month" where you'll hear all your favorite romantic tunes for the month of February. And oh, well, speaking of my daughter -"

SPEAKING OF your daughter, yes.

"Have I mentioned she's one heck of a whiz-kid, especially on the computer? Anyway my daughter she forwarded me this picture the other day over that there interweb."

"Apparently I'm the mascot of some café down in the Middle East. Down in...Dubai, I think she said?"

Well that's...quite the coincidence, I'm sure.

"I was wondering if I can ask for royalties for my fine and handsome face being used to sell coffee. I was quite the ladies man back in the day as you well know. Ahhhh, that takes me back!"

As we've learned over the years. ...Unfortunately.

"Say, do you have that feller's number, who was it? John Thomas I think? Perhaps I can ask for him to represent me instead of chasing me for child support. Instead he can learn the best lady killing action from the best - that's me, Mike Check! The Radio Romantic, they once called me back in the El Paso market!"

...Unfortunately John's no longer with us, and I'm not going to finish that line because it is a genuine tragedy. Also is that what you were trying to call us to ask for? Legal assistance? You do know I'm not an Ace Attorney by trade, and if I DID know any I would not be referring you to them. No offense, but I don't think they want the hassle of such a...complicated client. It gets in the way of business you know.

"So it's a no then?"

That it is, sorry. I hope you didn't call in just for that little query?

"Well not really. I just enjoy these little interactions with you, with RJ, even with Brad, and with all the millions of listeners worldwide. We now have some in the Mid East after all! And I even have admirers over there! Who could believe it? Fans of yours truly, they sure have some great taste! Someday I hope to see them and show them a lot of my love in return."

...I suppose so then Mike, yes. (Oh goodness, am I really going to ask him this?) Does this all remind you of the time you once worked the Dubai market?

"No, unfortunately. I have not yet had the courtesy or the privilege of working in that particular market. However since we were talking about coffee did I ever tell you about the time -"

Yes. Yes you have.

" - I once worked all the way down south of the Equator, in the São Paulo market?"

Sigh...of course you did.

"They had this one station that I had to join just because of its call sign. I didn't even need to change the thing, I still remember it to this day! Kiss FM 102.1! Although many of the listeners complained that I kept calling it KSII for some reason? I was just trying to tie it back to my earlier station. Synergy, I think you youngins call it?"

We do? First I've heard of it. Also, isn't it currently a rock and metal station? I can't imagine you being interested in such...loud music that we greenhorns like. (Unless Bruce Dickinson did a Kenny Loggins cover for some reason that I was unaware of.) And just be glad Blade - I mean, Brad - isn't here on the other end of the tin can and string to make some bad joke concerning Gene Simmons or something.

"HAH, MYAH, MYAH! That Brad! He can sure be a joker at times, isn't he?"

Jury's still out on that one. Anyway, so you were in Brazil once upon a time.

"Yes I was indeed in Brazil on Kiss 102.1, I worked there - you know those Brazilians speaking Brazilian over there have some pretty good coffee right?"

You do know the language is called Portuguese yes? (At least he didn't say they were speaking Mexican this time...)

"As you guessed correctly it was still a rock station back in those days, but target demographics of all sorts were listening to us. The main ones in particular were these big burly fellers who worked in the mines all day for gold. So when I first joined I hosted a show called -"

Oh no.

"It was called The Heavy Metal Mining Hour."

...You just had to do it, didn't you?

"I thought that would play well with that particular reference, but sadly nobody got it. Apparently they don't have the same jokes in their language as we do in good old English or something."  

...Or perhaps you were just bad at your job, that could also be a reason.


Oh, pardon me. I didn't mean to interrupt like that...out loud. So anyway, I assume you next demographic targeted another well known Brazilian export of coffee, right?

"You are correct indeed Blake - er, Blah. I thought I would do something different this time to play well in that particular market so I became...Mister Tea!...since it was a pun and referred to Mr. T and -"

I get it, thank you. ...Also, it's tea not coffee.

"He was a big star back in those days - it was the 80's, so I'm showing my age a bit here - he was in a show if you've heard of it, called The A-Team? He and some other fellers riding around in a big van? Oh, those were some good times. They don't make shows like that like they used to anymore! Nowadays they all go over poor Mike Check's head."

(I wonder if they do that in their own big vans. Mike is definitely the fool to be pitied in that situation!)

"Anyway I was Mister Tea. The "Mister" was my first name, nothing else. My partner, he was also American like me, this skinny, very young greenhorn all the way from California. I think he was a college exchange student or something? Anyway he also made up a name too to match mine. Apparently he was one of those fantasy fans who liked - what was it called? Demons & Dragnets?"

I think you mean Dungeons & Dragons Mike.


(I wish I had a daemon to call in right now and save us. MRS. DEAL! Get Sa - Stan on the line!...Wait, that won't work here.)

"Anyway, he liked Demons & Dragnets, and he went by the name of...Bob Baggins."

Oh no.

"Together we hosted -"

Oh no.

"Tea Baggins Time."




I think I can hear actual crickets outside.

"Sadly we did not last very long. For some reason we got a lot of complaints from those same heavy metal miners, and neither of us could understand them since we didn't speak Brazilian or anything non-English. Besides by then I was already preoccupied with some of the beautiful local women, if you know what I mean! HAH, HAH, HAH, MYAH, MYAH."

...Do you have a song request for us Mike?

"Well pardner, I'm glad you asked! Why, it's the original van jumping Mr. T here on THE WHACKER!"

Someday he HAS to run out of stuff to play...won't he?

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