Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires
March 14, 1968
"Minerva has been using her "Deepest Secret Extractor," disguised as a
piece of equipment at her mineral spa, to discover where her wealthiest
customers hide their valuables. With this info in hand, Minerva has been
able to pull off a string of robberies with ease. When Batman and
Robin's investigation is cut short by the villainess, butler Alfred goes
undercover to help foil her criminal operations."
74 minutes
RD: Ready for Falconry and Spelunking. The Bros are sad they've reached the end of the original serie. RD didn't want to do another podcast after WWCR until Vince pitched him the idea.
Vince received RD's Christmas gift of an Oscar Mayer hot dog roller and bun warmer. He thought he could only cook Oscar Meyer hot dogs with it. RD tells him otherwise.
Narrator: "A tranquil day in Gotham City. And what could be more soothing than a couple of hours in Minerva's Mineral Spa?"
Since this is the end and the show may as well give everything it's got, the first thing we see is a bare-chested West getting a rub-down. One of the goons, a man named Adonis wearing a too small shirt with Adonis on the front, compliments Bruce's physique.
Bruce: "Oh, I try to keep pretty active with falconry and spelunking."
The Bros compliment the show for finally giving the "most imposing henchmen" on this last episode. Then Vince has to ask RD what falconry and spelunking are.
Bruce prepares to leave after putting on a shirt.
Narrator: "But for another millionaire not so pressed for time, the renowned scalp massage of Minerva, one of Gotham City's most beautiful and glamorous women, is about to produce some amazing results."
Much to RD's shock, Vince does not recognize this other guy, who is played by Executive Producer-Narrator William Dozier using his exact same voice. "I never take a beautiful woman at face value, Minerva." With the power of her "deepest scent extractor" he tells her where some of his money is stored to Minerva, still played by Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Minerva: "Atlas, put Mr. Dozier into my perfumed pressurizer."
Narrator (not yet pressurized): "And still another millionaire..."
This is (Non Executive Narrating) Producer Howie Horwitz, here playing a television producer. "I never hire method actors, Minerva. And I always ignore network executives." He too gets his money extracted before he gets perfumed.
RD saw someone showing off their 13 inch Emerson Radio television on Facebook and wanted it so badly.
Bruce: "Minerva, after every visit to your spa, I always feel like a new man."
Minerva: "I feel like a new man too, Bruce."
He then sees a colleague named Sam, who is going to see some of the Wayne Foundation's diamonds next week. Minerva uses the distraction to steal his watch. Bruce "pretends" to wonder where he misplaced it as he leaves, as she gloats over how it can help her plans.
When we come back from the titles for the last time Minerva meets with her goons: Adonis, Apollo, Atlas, Aphrodite - and of all people Freddy the Fence, last seen a year ago with Catwoman.
The Undynamic Duo and Barbara (here in a school bus yellow jacket) discuss the recent robberies and prepare to call Batman at the Office. O'Hara suddenly has a cane, supposedly due to straining his leg at table tennis. (Which knowing him he plays with Gordon, and any time he loses a point he drops onto his knees and cries out for Batman to come save him.)
At Stately Wayne Manor, Bruce gets a call from Minerva about his watch, but she will only give it to him personally as "a special treat". He hangs up just as Gordon calls - but Batman will help him after he goes sees Minerva with Dick.
RD: "Maybe he's not thinking booty before duty. Maybe he's thinking booty and duty at the same time."
I'm thinking something else entirely, perhaps as compensation for those times Bruce has cockblocked his ward.
Dick: "Gosh, Bruce. Would Minerva stoop to something like that?"
Bruce (lustily): "It's hard to believe, Dick. She's so beautiful and worth investigating."
Dick: "To the Batpoles?"
Bruce: "You to the Batpoles, Dick. I want you to take the Batmobile with a spare Batsuit for me. And I want you to meet me in the alley behind the spa. I'll take my own car and be sure and find you."
Unfortunately for Bruce instead of sex Minerva just offers him "a free Eggplant Jelly Vitamin Scalp Massage" which of course needs back to that extractor. Cue West giving a very shocked face as he "unknowingly" tells her the combination to his safe of diamonds. For his trouble she gives him his watch back, which is of course his secret communicator to Robin.
Out he goes, and in comes the Dynamic Duo for their own appointment. (:21)
Minerva: "Well, of course. Register for both yourself and your son."
Batman: "Although I'd be proud if he were, this is not my son. This is Robin, the Boy Wonder. I'm Batman."
Minerva: "Well, I'm so sorry, I couldn't recognize your face. But your physique was very familiar."
Of course they get a massage while still in their costumes. Minerva has her suspicions so she orders her goons to extra pressurize them with persimmon while she goes to the vault.
Of course the Duo have towels over their costumes.
Robin: "Persimmon pressurizer? Holy astringent plum-like fruit."
Batman: "Only astringent until ripe, Robin."
The goons just...overpower the Duo, and take them to the pressurizer, which looks like but is sadly not the reused Joker's spaceship. RD wishes they had another small one for a Batsaucer.
Narrator: "So mischievous Minerva pursues her malfeasant maneuver at the Wayne Foundation (cut to Minerva stealing the diamonds from a very much labelled Wayne Foundation Safe) while our fearless crimefighters face a fate usually befalling frozen foods."
Robin: "Holy human pressure cookers!"
Batman: "An apt expression, Robin. Too apt."
Then the villains return to find the Duo have just...gone. Minerva thinks them pressurized.
Narrator: "But in the meantime, what's this? The pressurized campaigners alive? And heading into the Batcave on the double? Where a vastly relieved Alfred awaits them."
Thankfully the Duo just used their "Steam-Neutralizing Bat-pellets" to off-screen escape. Batman asks for Alfred's help, which for some reason surprises the latter.
Sudden cut to Minerva taken for questioning to the Office on suspicion of pressurizing the Duo. Sure enough, the Duo appear, asking where she got her men.
Minerva (appalled): "I don't pick up men, men pick me up."
She has to go to meet her latest mark "dear old friend Lord Easystreet" for an appointment and (without Barbara around) Gordon doesn't even bother to hide his salivating over her as he escorts her to the elevator.
Gordon: "Ah, Barbara. Minerva, my daughter."
Minerva: "Hello. Goodbye."
Barbara hears the Duo were in danger, which for some reason surprises her.
Batman: "Chief O'Hara, I know someone who bears a striking resemblance to Lord Easystreet."
O'Hara: "Gosh, yes. So you do, Batman."
Of course Batman has someone in mind to take Easystreet's place for his "appointment". Barbara already has a distraction in mind, luring him to a different library than our main one for a book he was looking for. And he can't afford to hire someone to go and get the book for him despite his earlier being mentioned as "the world's richest man". Yes, even richer than Millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Gordon pops back in and yes, he is still salivating (over Minerva, not Barbara). "What a charming and
beautiful lady Minerva is. We should all be ashamed of our suspicions." He then gets the call of the diamond robbery. "I must try and get in touch with Bruce Wayne."
Batman: "Oh, you mean Millionaire Bruce Wayne? I believe he's out of town for the day."
O'Hara: "Now, who is that man who bears such a striking resemblance to multimillionaire Lord Easystreet?"
Batman: "Coincidentally, it's Millionaire Bruce Wayne's butler, Alfred."
Immediate jump cut to the Spa as disguised Alfred arrives. (:30)
Minerva: "You're a little bit thinner and little tiny bit older."
Alfred: "Well, the years have a way of catching up with us multimillionaires, Minerva, just as with the common people."
Meanwhile the Duos have gone to the vault.
Gordon: "Batman, how could you have opened a vault to which you didn't know the combination in three seconds flat?"
Batman: "With my Three-Seconds-Flat Batvault Combination Unscrambler, Commissioner."
Gordon: "Amazing."
Batman immediately guesses it's Minerva's doing...and right now she's with Alfred, who might know a thing or two about some secret identities.
Robin: "Holy skull tap."
Batman: "To the spa!"
Narrator: "While at this very minute, Barbara Gordon has had a similar hunch, has made her challenging change into Batgirl, and is off to do her bit for Alfred aboard the Batgirl-cycle."
Said change is just Batgirl looking at herself in the mirror.
She arrives just in time before Alfred can say anything revealing, leading to a rather anemic fight. The Bros can see why her fighting style is smiling kicks when her punches are rather weak. The goons quickly overcome her. Minerva orders them to put Batgirl and Alfred into the pressurizer while they flee, since Freddy (remember him?) has already run off while being able to sell the diamonds.
It is then that the Dynamic Duo appear, and for this last fight West and Ward actually do some work alongside their doubles. Alfred hits someone with a flowerpot. The enemies take a quadruple chair shot. The pressurizer is quickly disabled.
Alfred: "I must say, Batgirl, it was rather fortunate that this thing short-circuited before I divulged my - our little secret."
Barbara: "Yes. I'd say it was too, Alfred. (Imitating Minerva) Dahling."
Minerva is quickly apprehended alongside Freddie. "I told you, Minerva, it is not easy to fence famous diamonds."
Minerva: "Easier than to try to fly without wings, Freddie. How divine. I'm going to make Gotham State Prison the world's most elegant spa."
And once more Batgirl has vanished.
Robin: "What happened to Batgirl?"
Batman: "Who knows, Robin? Who ever knows?"
And on that randomness the series just...ends. No denouement at the Office or Manor. Just a transition to the credits.
:36 Vince guesses Gabor was 35 years on filming. She was 50. Both agreed she looked great and give her 7.5 Batpoles. Vince guesses she was married six times. It was nine. She was actually considered for the earlier roles of Zelda the Great and Marsha Queen of Diamonds. Minerva was actually considered for Mae West, who could not do it due to filming the infamous fiasco Myra Breckenridge.
And thus the time has come to finally rate Batgirl. Vince guesses 25 to 28. She was 30. Yvonne Craig of course did a few more roles in the 60s and 70s, including a rather well known green skinned Orion over on Star Trek. The Bros rate Barbara 7.5 (Vince was not a fan of her short hair), and Batgirl 9 (RD quite liked her outfit with the red hair).
The Bros also retroactively rate Julie Newmar at 10.
:44 With the show now over and done with, the Bros have some more rankings to do.
- For best trap Vince has Joker's giant clam. RD has Catwoman's giant coffee cup (as witnessed by over 100,000 people)
- For best femme fatale RD has of course Pauline and Florence of Arabia. Vince goes with Pauline again, having at least remembered her name for the first and last time.
- For most underrated villain Vince has King Tut, with Shame as an honorary mention. RD has King Tut, Bookworm, Egghead, and the still scary False Face.
- For worst villain Vince has Londinium's worst of Lord Ffogg and Lady Peasoup. RD has Louie the Lilac above just about everyone due to how lackluster Milton Berle was going through the motions.
- For best villain Vince looks on the Big Four: Catwoman, Joker, Penguin, and Riddler. From them he chooses Penguin due to Burgess Meredith's commitment to the part in even the smallest detail. He is followed by Cesar Romero, then Julie Newmar, and then Frank Gorshin due to his limited appearances. RD has Catwoman chosen on a coin flip with Riddler, then Joker, and then Penguin.
- For best recurring character RD has Alfred even though he doesn't really know why (other than liking the character), then Gordon, then O'Hara. Vince has Gordon (groping of Barbara notwithstanding), then O'Hara due to being more colorful than Alfred.
- Aunt Harrier was most likely to not wear a bra.
- Warden Crichton is forgotten for his worst reform system, as he should be.
- Also forgotten is Mayor Linseed. To be fair, so did most of Gotham's mayors over the years.
- Surprisingly Bonnie didn't appear in person as many times as thought (although the Bros think she was only seen once).
- For favorite episode Vince has surfing with Joker (with RD) and boxing with Riddler. Both agree it was hard to choose.
RD told his wife he has considered leaving wrestling due to all the divides and hatreds within the industry. (:55) He just wants to enjoy the spectacle without being forced to know all the nuts and bolts behind it. Vince would do anything to leave it because he finds little interest in it anymore, but he's conceded that at his age it is too late to happen. He bemoans the current state of everything being watered down by a lot of average/mediocre work.
At least RD still has the Arcade that he's redecorating for the Superb Owl.
That being said, Vince and RD still need each other, so you can be sure they'll have another show in the not too distant future. And you can be sure that I will be there to cover it.
God help me. The worst is yet to come!
- Special Guest Villain: Minerva (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
- Window Celebrity: 2. William Dozier, Howie Horwitz
- Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. An off-screen escape one last time.
- SPEAKING OFs: 1. Catwoman
- RD Time Outs: 1 (Real Quick)
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