174 My Dinner With Blade: April 30, 2010

Chirp Chirp...Plus Another 15 Syllables
74 minutes

Blade is slowly recovering from last week, but for some reason he's now thinking he's Randy Jackson. We're 'blessed' this week with the annual draft; play along at home won't you?

According to Blade (be prepared to hear a lot of him in the next hour), he says there is a "Big Four" quarter of episodes every year: the Draft, Anniversary, Thanksgiving/Black Friday, and Christmas. I can't disagree with him, but he's missing the fifth: the April Fools/Wrestlemania episode. There's some random squabble about drafting or not drafting, all the while we hear that the Big Show is going to Smackdown! (now on Syfy!) and some random Mickie James people want to riot at RAW. That is the most we'll get wrestling-related. As expected.

#1 :08 The DraftTrolla drafts the Ratings Reaper to be today's official Laugh Track. Unfortunately instead of Blade's random laughter it's just the same Wicked Witch of the West soundbite we hear every time he makes an appearance. A shame really. I was looking forward to Blade slipping up and just laughing normally by forgetting to use his filter.

#2 Patrick Stewart is drafted to promotional considerate Angry Marks' new ad copy. (:10) Sadly he does not do it in a Jeff Foxworthy impersonation.

#3 RD didn't go to the grocery this week, and we haven't heard from Sir Alec in a bygone era. So let's accomplish two things at once and draft him, why not? (:15) The only thing he's interested in saying however is having fun with a bottle of malt vinegar at a Long John Silvers. Blade is ashamed of himself and laments how far he has fallen character wise on the progrem even as he tries to stifle his constant laughter. The Reaper continues to make the lights flicker and water to magically appear, but the quality and connection still remains stable. I need one of those connections for my house; hell, he could patent and sell it. THAT'S a license to print money.

SPEAKING OF Randy Jackson, some random American Idol contestant sung the Anthem at an indie show. (:27) Blade is content to mispronounce his name (a frequent habit of his) and try to burp on microphone due to popular demand. I'm sure Mickie James would want to appear on the show and be his girl after this. Vickie Guerrero is Tweeting something or other.

#4 RD is tired of Blade's trademark immorality, so he uses the DraftTrolla to replace him with B.M. Punk. (:39) (Thank the Emperor his bathroom has a built-in phone that sounds EXACTLY like Blade's.)

#5 After a couple of minutes he tires of that too and he replaces him with Jim Ross. He's so busy with Hollywood John and thinking of moving to TNA (and making a demo tape for Dixie) that the HorseTrolla neighs at :46 and is completely forgotten.

#6 The Midnight Rose is summoned to do TNA news, (:50) and of course he is very much worried. He should be very careful of who enters his Florida mansion in the next few days...It's an excuse for Blade to literally argue with himself, and wonder if Victoria will leave TNA while dreaming about the Pink Assassin.

#7 While JR puzzles over the trumpeting horns for the Question (of which Ultimate Kennedy (9) asks about porn for some reason), Stubby is drafted to answer it instead. (:57) More self-arguing ensues. It's very art-house movie.

#8 Jim is still puzzling over the music that keeps interrupting him by popping up, like the Coliseum Music right now at :63. Sadly RD can't answer that, as Popeye is drafted to take his place. But who would be left to record this thing? Hmmm. The two spend the rest of the running time flirting with each other, but still leave time to randomly mention that Batista may be leaving the company, Mark Henry was arrested last week for throwing a drink at a fan, and something about Bret Hart report cards. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk.

#9 The crickets are drafted to say Seventeen Syllables:
Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp.
Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp.
Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp Chirp.

(And no, I'm not drafting myself to take Mason's lawyer-ing job. I'm a writer, not a lawyer!) [Exactly. My Six years at Titan Towers Law College wasn't for nothing - "Showstealer"]

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