Episode 56: Holy Bulging Ballot Boxes!: September 4, 2022

Dizzoner the Penguin
"The mayoral campaign seems to keep going the Penguin's way, but Batman is still confident despite the polls."
57 minutes

RD: Random Sampling Error. He is still casting his vote for Pengy. Vince got confused by the title. He gives himself applause. RD's check is to clear today. Vince gives him applause. 

Jimmy Hendrix once opened for the Monkees (when he was alive of course). Micky Dolenz follows Vince on Twitter. Former WWE writer and non Monkee Brian Gewirtz recently followed RD. Vince's first concert was Sonny & Cher at 8 years ago. RD saw Sammy Hagar and Krokus at 14. 

The Narrator implies the Penguin was a pimp to draw in support. (:08) RD: "Perhaps Penguin's last name was Moolah." Robin became a "political liability", as if he isn't already every other week. This is why Superman works alone.

For some reason the scale the Duo are in stops moving as it should. Batman apologizes for not preparing for the goons - so he wraps his cape around and throws himself down, throwing Robin out of the scale. Batman is of course completely unscathed due to Alfred's acid-proof "costume". Robin: "Holy coffin nails!" 

Meanwhile at Penguin Campaign HQ, the girls show him their buttons. Campaign buttons, I mean. RD notes the similarity to the same scene in Batman Returns.

Sadly the girls won't feature any further in the story so RD has them rated. (:14) Vince gives them all 7 Batpoles anyway due to their "generic" similarity.

  • The one with the most airtime is the short blonde Lulu. RD gives her 7.5. Cindy Malone only additionally appeared in Bewitched and Love, American Style, but is the niece of Spike Jones. 
  • Redhead "Penguin Girl #2" got a 7. Judy Parker was a songwriter of renown and was married to Bob Gaudio of The Four Seasons.
  • RD refuses to rate taller blonde "Penguin Girl #3" because Linda Meyers looked 13. This was also her only acting role.

A goon reports that the Duo have escaped. Penguin: "FAWWWWW! Faw on him! Well, he's not smearful!" He prepares to try and defeat him again at their debate. 

At the Batcave Alfred applies makeup to JFK Batman while he's still wearing his mask, while Robin wonders why they're going through with a debate barely two hours after trying to kill him. (:19) Batman sadly has no proof to give to the Fair Campaigns Practices Committee. It's not as if he could take a photo or anything from a Batgadget or other. 

Cue the debate. Penguin gives his "solemn word" to not mud-sling "unless my opponent does it", but he still wonders about the "acrobatic clown" that hides a "dangerous criminal". He's always seen with fellow criminals after all! This is totally unlike the Penguin, who's always surrounded by the police as "an associate of the law". 

Gordon listening in (any excuse to not do his job huh?) is furious. O'Hara: "He's as crooked as a warped shillelagh!" 

Penguin: "Now, which man do you want to run Gotham City? A man like myself who is always in the company of the law, or a man like Batman who rubs elbows with the worst elements of this city and who is undoubtedly a desperate criminal himself?"

As Batman tries to respond, the Penguin's goons hijack the feed to cover his words with a Pengy campaign song. Robin breaks in to call out Penguin (which is apparently something anyone can do in the City's debates). Penguin replies to the "Wonder Midget" that he has his fanbase that he can entertain instead of bore. 

The debate is interrupted again by some breaking news: the Convention Hall is being robbed. Gordon has to shout at his vacant eyed deputy to get over there. Batman also goes, as does "Citizen Penguin to the rescue!"

Jack Benny's announcer Don Wilson as reporter Walter "Cronkite" Klondike is already at the scene at "one of the greatest robberies of all time", as are the candidates by the time O'Hara shows up. Before the chief can really get going complaining about the Penguin, Klondike has to cut to pioneer game show host Dennis James as Chet "Huntley" Chumley. He has a chalkboard tracking the tallies of Batman and the Penguin's takedowns, including a rather modern table spot. (Robin can't do much because he strained his hand after punching someone.) Password host (and Betty White's husband) Allen Ludden as David "Brinkley" Dooley tries to talk to them in the middle of combat. Well, Batman is actually fighting, while Penguin is reminding his henchmen to follow their spots. Then David is knocked down to the ground: "I'm here live on the convention floor." Penguin has a higher count (7) because obviously the Dark Knight (1) is in "cahoots" with his criminal peers. 

Batman: "Nobody likes a loser, Robin." 

At Batman Campaign HQ, the two Duos and Linseed learn Penguin is still leading at 65%.
Batman: "I think you underestimate the good citizens of Gotham City, chief. ... Elections are not won by polls, commissioner. They're won by votes, at least in this country."
Then Klondike starts reporting the actual returns, with Batman doing better than expected. (:33)
Penguin responds by calling Gordon: "I just want to tell you you're not to worry about your job. See, I'm appointing the Riddler new commissioner of police. And you tell that Irish stooge of yours that his next job will be shining the shoes of the new police chief: the Joker!"
Gordon: "The terrible thing is, in a few short hours, that mangy bird may be my boss..."
Then Klondike notes that Batman is gaining ground due to votes from "the Indians" in the west.
The three pollsters show up to an enraged Penguin. "You three blowhards told me I couldn't lose! What's happening?" "The X factor?" one wonders. "Random sampling error?" is another.
Klondike continues to report Batman's closing in.
Batman: "Smart politicians trust the voters, not the polls. After all, if you can't trust the voters, who can you trust?"

In desperation, Penguin plans to kidnap the vote counters to stop the count, but not before hanging up the pollsters on the wall. "I told you not to count those hobos down at the freight yard!" says one. "What about the two sword swallowers and the lady wrestler you turned in?" replies the other. "Nobody will ever listen to us again," bemoans the third.
"Don't worry. We can always get a job rating TV shows."
Cue the three looking up to the camera with huge smiles. 

Penguin quickly captures the counters, and plans to have them work in a morgue, giving a smile to Lulu for some reason. Of course Batman assumed this would happen and that he would have them in his GOON building and they rush over there. He also manages to get Penguin wanting to wring the city dry.
Batman: "You've goofed."
Robin: "No good mayor ever goofs!"
Batman: "You said we were associated with criminals? Well here we are...Pengy." 

The fight is a simple one, though none can compare to the earlier melee. Robin however manages to do a leapfrog over a henchman. Lulu runs off into oblivion. Penguin is boxed up in a Campaign Literature Packager.

Penguin: "Fraud! It's a fraud, I say! I demand a recount!"
Batman: "Don't worry! You'll have another chance...on the convict's committee for Queen Prison government. They're having an election next week. You should arrive just in time to run for chairman."
Robin: "If you need any endorsements, just let us know."

In Gordon's Office, Batman immediately resigns to cede power back to Linseed. Because this too is someone one can do immediately. (:42)
Then the phone rings for the former one day mayor.
Batman: "I'm flattered that your committee should be interested in me as a presidential candidate for 1968. But I'm afraid my Gotham City duties take precedence. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind."
Robin: "Bulging ballot boxes, Batman, that was some offer!"
The phone rings again.
Batman: "I'm flattered, gentlemen, but I thought your party had a candidate for 1968."
The joke here is that the latter call was from the Democrats, who thought Johnson would run again before he decided not to. Perhaps he should have stayed on, buoyed by the then Republican mayor of New York City...John Lindsay.

Then RD's check bounces. So much for that campaign. 

The Bros loved the entire plot, even with the weak escape, though it would have detracted from the rest of the story. 

RD wrote about Not Gorgeous George Jefferson and Charo on Fantasy Island. Between her and Julie Newmar Vince would choose the latter, as hard a choice as it may be. The Bros wonder about Charo's actual age. 

RD has changes upcoming to the Patreon. 

The video progrem is "far and away" Jeff Lane's favorite show on the service, and he's not even a huge Batman fan.


  • Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [5] (Burgess Meredith) [5]


  • SPEAKING OFs: 1. Smearing
  • Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Acid-proof costume 
  • Window Celebrity: 3. Don Wilson, Dennis James, Allen Ludden
  • Screen Captures: 1. RD

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