Episode 88: Holy Malt!: April 30, 2023

Catwoman Goes to College
February 22, 1967
"Catwoman is released from prison, and claiming she wants to enrich her education, enrolls at Gotham City University. She dresses one of her own henchmen as the Caped Crusader in order to frame him for a robbery. With Batman in jail, she goes ahead with her plan for a mass sit-in at Chimes Square. Catwoman is more than surprised when Batman himself shows up at the event. However, his efforts to expose the villainess are futile, and she prepares to terminate him and Robin in front of the whole crowd."
65 minutes

RD Hates Coffee More Now. He doesn't even have a WWE Niagara Falls Cup to not drink coffee from! Vince doesn't need any coffee, hated or otherwise, since he feels so energized during the recording. It also doesn't hurt that they're doing a Catwoman story. He complements RD for his note taking for the both of them. 

Narrator: "Gotham State Penitentiary, an impregnable fortress under maximum security, where rehabilitation, not punishment, is the keynote." (:08)
The prison looks more castle than fortress, where Catwoman, having survived taking a dip in the river last appearance, does stretches in front of Warden Crichton and "millionaire" Bruce Wayne. The Warden tells her she has been granted parole - but only on the condition that a board member ("heaven help him") will be her parole officer. And of course it's Bruce.
Catwoman: "Warden, I owe my life of crime to the fact that I was a drop-out. I'm going back to Gotham City University to immerse myself in education."

Narrator: "Late the next night, a curious happening takes shape in one of Gotham City University's hallowed halls. A student prank? Or a feline scheme of that university's most recently registered student?"
An "actual size replica" statue of "Patron crimefighter of Gotham City" Batman is stolen by what 'kind' RD charitably calls middle-aged students wearing beanies, which one of them drops. 

RD has fun with winding up Vince, in this case by not know about the Beany and Cecil show.

This prompts a call on the Batphone at Stately Wayne Manor, which Bruce answers directly. (:15)
Gordon: "I'm not certain if this requires your attention, Batman, but some strange goings-on have been going on."
Bruce: "Who is it this time, commissioner? Joker? Egghead? Riddler? King Tut?"
Gordon: "I don't know. A statue has been stolen at Gotham City University."
Bruce (rolling his eyes): "Sounds like a freshman prank to me."
Gordon: "Perhaps and then again, perhaps not. The statue was a full-sized replica of you, Batman."
Bruce: "My graven image, eh? We'll be right there, commissioner. (To Dick) To the Batpoles!"

In the Office the Undynamic Duo remain "utterly baffled" by this "dumb fraternity stunt".
Batman: "As you may recall that statue was made from a perfect mold of my body."
Robin: "And the costume is an exact plaster duplicate of yours."
Batman: "Precisely, Robin. This theft may be the first step in some diabolical imposture of myself."

Surprisingly the police actually do their job and have "the beanie in question" for Batman to look at, since otherwise he would have to investigate over 3100 university students who all have the same hat size (6 and 7/8).
Batman: "Do you see what I see?"
Robin: "Depends. What do you see?"
It is a strand of red hair that Batman can run through the Batcave's "electronic hair Bat-analyzer".

Meanwhile Catwoman is finishing sewing a Batsuit in her lair in the basement of the Eta Beta Lotka sorority house. She asks her goon Cornell to mimic a taped Batman.
Batman (taped): "Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen for all your applause, but I don't really deserve it."
Making sure the voice match is purrrrrfect, she asks her other goon beanie-less Penn to put the statue back after taking Brown's beanie before she has to go to Batman giving a guest lecture. Cornell responds by trying out the Batsuit with his impersonation. 

Robin is also attending, quietly expressing doubt at Catwoman taking "Elementary Criminology".
Batman: "Good day, students. I'll begin by remarking that criminology, like other sciences has made remarkable strides over recent years."
Robin: "Batman's right, students. We catch more crooks in our Batcave anti-crime lab than in the field."
RD has his doubts on this.
Batman: "For example, last night a certain statue was purloined right here at Gotham City U.This beanie was found at the scene of the crime. There was one strand of red hair caught in the fabric. I have microscopically analyzed it and here are my findings. From this single strand of hair, I've been able to determine that the man is 6 feet, one-and-three-quarters inches in height, is 36 years old, has flat feet, wears glasses, speaks in a deep voice and suffers from hay fever."
RD: "He's like 56 years old."

Catwoman sets off the bell with her remote control Catradio, but Penn sneezes anyway. He takes off and the Duo try to give chase, but the other students all crowd around to stop him.
Catwoman: "Now, if all you students will just clear away, Batman and I would like to be alone."
Batman: "What makes you think so, Catwoman?"
Catwoman: "I just thought it would be so amusing. It would be the first time you weren't trying to arrest me, and I wasn't trying to murder you."
Batman: "Very well. Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers, and my notes."

This requires a trip to the nearby malt shop, which the Bros prefer over shakes. (:27) So do Batman and Catwoman, each sharing one with a double straw.
Catwoman: "I'll bet every female criminal in America would swap her time off for good behavior just to change places with me."
Batman: "I'm flattered."
Catwoman: "As soon as I graduate I'll be coming to you for a job."
Unfortunately for her Robin's still around.
"Well, maybe by that time he'll be all grown up and on his own."
Batman: "I can't tell you how happy I am about your change of heart. You seem to have lost all the  egotism that once marred your great beauty."

They lean in for a kiss - and then Robin again comes in to do his job of crimefighting cockblocking.
Vince: "I just fantasize about the guy who was sitting down literally typing this out on paper."
Robin tells Batman someone looking like the Dark Knight was seen robbing a supermarket. Before they can move a police officer enters.
Officer: "Don't move, you costumed kook! We've got you covered! You're under arrest for knocking off a supermarket!"
Robin (after some random beats of silence): "Who the heck are you?"
Officer: "Name's Courageous. Captain Courageous. Just arrived here from Los Angeles under the police exchange program."
Robin: "Holy Hollywood, an out-of-towner!"
The Bros wonder how he could not know when some episodes ago the whole world was worrying over Batman's supposed death.
Batman: "I've been here all morning sipping a soda with Catwoman."
Courageous: "Ha! Who's gonna take the word of a 50-time loser?"
So Batman is arrested, but he does get his one phone call. He requests Robin to call "the firm name of Alfred & Alfred."

In his Office Gordon hears of a "spontaneous demonstration" of...loitering to be led by Catwoman that evening in Chimes Square. He orders O'Hara to send everyone there. 

In the holding cell Batman is met by his lawyer Alfred Serge Tort, "attorney-at-law, specialist in  felonies, misdemeanors, and over-time parking tickets." (:35) With a smuggled in Bat-makeup case they use it to swap looks as disguises. BatAlfred looks so excited to once again pretend to be his employer (even in prison!) while Bruce is somehow allowed to go free with no questions asked. 

Back at the Office Captain Courageous reports on arresting "some joker" named Batman. This sends Gordon into a fit. "Release him and release him fast!"
Courageous: "But... But... But..."
Gordon: "You do very clever impressions of a motorboat, captain. Get moving!"
He then calls Stately Wayne Manor to inform Bruce of Catwoman's demonstration. " I'm certain there's some illegal reason behind it.You're her parole officer, aren't you?"
Bruce: "I guess I haven't done a very good job, commissioner."
Gordon: "Still, I must award you an E for effort."
RD: "I should note that E is a lot closer to F than an A, so I would also give him an E for effort."
Courageous: "Commissioner, the Batman's escaped! Tied up a lawyer and walked out in disguise!"
Gordon: "Hahaha! Good old Batman. No jail can hold him, not even ours. He's probably at the Batcave  already. You'll learn soon enough not to doubt the masked manhunter!"
He then calls back Bruce (on the Batphone this time) to tell him about "Catwoman's latest peregrinations," not noticing that he sounds exactly the same as millionaire Bruce Wayne. Of course he already knew about it and states he will be there.
Dick: "Holy crystal ball. How'd you know the Batphone was gonna ring?"
Bruce: "Elementary. I'll explain on the way down. To the Batpoles!"

In the Batcave the Bat-Calendar finds a few events that Catwoman may hit. (:39) Besides a "prize cat show at Gotham City Square Garden" the closest hit is "the Batagonian cat's-eye opal sale at
the offices of the Forever Jewel Company." To the Batmobile! 

At the lair a Goon thinks the opals are bad luck.
Catwoman: "Pish-tosh! That's a superstition not grounded in fact. Anyway, they're worth millions. ...  As per my plan, Batman is languishing in some jail. And the befuddled police will have their gloves full just clearing those misguided students off the streets. Cornell, go and get the Catillac and bring it round. We're gonna transform Chimes Square...into Crime Square!"

She manages to find a ledge there to oversee a crowd that's more massive angry mob than a few dissatisfied students. Against her command to "go to it", without any sort of saying what "it" is, Batman tries to counter with a megaphone.
Batman: "Go back, students! Go back! Go back to your homes and hearths! Can't you see she's trying to lead you down a thorny path?"
Somehow this works and the crowd disperses, though Catwoman is not deterred. 

Narrator: "Moments later, atop the Gotham City Chimes Building, Catwoman deploys her forces in the blinking light of the Crespie's Coffee mechanical billboard."
This consists of an enormous setpiece contraption that may have taken a huge portion of the show's budget, of which the Duo are Bat-climbing up to. 

While on the way up they are stopped by one of the other major aesthetics of the episode,elevision presence Art Linkletter.
Linkletter: "I was hoping to revive my TV show People Are Funny, but I can't seem to find any
unusual people in Gotham City."
Batman: "No, this is just an ordinary, fine, upstanding metropolis. Not many weirdos."
Robin: "Any particular types in mind?"
Linkletter: "Oh, someone perhaps with a strange costume."
Batman: "No, most of those characters like Joker, Penguin, King Tut are safely locked up."
Linkletter: "Maybe somebody with a dual identity or a unique approach to a problem. I'm climbing the
walls looking for them."
Batman: "I wish we could help you. But we're just a couple of ordinary crime fighters going about our mundane business."
Linkletter: "I see. Well, thank you for your interest. Maybe I'll give up the whole idea."
Robin: "Too bad. It's a great show."
They climb up.
Linkletter: "Costume? Dual identity? Climbing the walls? (Shouting up) HEY BATMAN!"

Catwoman and goons await the Duo with a giant coffee cup.
Batman: "Oh, Catwoman. Catwoman, will you never learn?"
Catwoman: "Men! Two obstacles stand between me and you and a life of splendor and plenty. Eradicate them!"
The Duo have no trouble with the stunt doubles.
Robin: "You're a blot on the name of Gotham City University! When the students find out what kind of a person you really are they'll hate you for forever!"
Catwoman stalls for time by finding her Catkerchief to pretend cry into, then gasses them. "Fools! Don't they know that tears are a woman's most effective weapon?"

So the Duo are tied inside the coffee cup as a percolator of sulfuric acid coffee is prepped to pour onto them once a minute.
Catwoman: "So if you get that searing feeling in your stomachs, it won't be heartburn. It'll be all burn."
Robin: "Holy caffeine!"
Catwoman: "And best of all, everybody will see you go up in smoke." (The crowd is down below.)
Batman: "You have a perverted sense of the dramatic, Catwoman."
Catwoman: "You're absolutely right."

Narrator: "What an ignominious end! Scalded in a coffee cup? Could this be it for the Dynamic Duo? Are Batman and Robin still good to the last drip? To learn the agonizing answer tune in tomorrow! Same Cat Time! Same Cat Channel!"

RD has to do a lot of work maintaining the Arcade machines. 

RD wrote about WCW yet again being disorganized. He extols his love of Extreme to Vince.


  • Special Guest Villain: Catwoman [7] (Julie Newmar) [6] 

  • Entertain The People:
  • SPEAKING OFs: 1. Interesting
  • Window Celebrity: 2. Art Linkletter, Stanley Adams as Captain Courageous (A well known character actor, including enterprising Tribble handler Cyrano Jones on Star Trek)


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