(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). Angry Jim is a fictional character based on a Wrestlecrap Radio parody.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)
How ya doin' tonight nerds!
I have been harassed by the people at wrestlecrapradio.com to write for them ever since those dumbf***s, Deal & Blade, decided to end WrestleCrap Radio. They assured me that I could write a blog about BBQ sauce, but it looks like I've ended up having to answer questions from you nerds about rasslin! What's wrong with with asking questions about my "Curtain Jerker" Mustard! Go **** yourselves!
Bea O'Starr asks: How do you feel about Hornswoggle & Vince McMahon doing the Palsy face impression of you? It seems hypocritical for a company that is supposed to be promoting anti-bullying to make fun of you like this?
F*** that little **** for making fun of me! I hope everyone in WWE all get permanent Palsy faces, those sons-of-b****s! "Be A Star"; MY ASS! If you take the 1st letters of "Be" & "Star"; you’ll know my exact opinion of that **** campaign! Go **** yourselves!
Brian O'Connor asks: How about Angry Jim vs. Michael Cole , BBQ sauce on a pole match?
How many times am I gonna get these ****ing questions about me fighting Cole again now that I'm doing this thing? I don’t need another re-match with Cole! I’ve kicked his ass so many times in the past that he has the sole of my shoe tattooed on it! Which looks better than those other sh***y ass tattoos he already has!
BBQ sauce on a pole?! Who are you?! Russo?!?!
Austin Stevenson asks: Why was your 1996 heel character dropped?
WWE didn’t like the REAL Angry Jim! They thought it wasn't believable that a play-by-play commentator could be a heel! Makes me wonder why they are currently doing it with that untalented ****head Cole then!?!? I wanted to be renamed; Jim "The Rattlesnake" Ross (I later gave the name to Steve Austin), but Vince thought it sounded too close to Jake Robert's name. But the booking of it sucked **** anyway! You try putting over an impostor Razor & Diesel! It went over like a fart in church!
Pullma Finger asks: Why won’t your wife sleep with you? Is it something you did? Is she frigid? Or is she two-timing you with Johnny Age?
Who the **** knows?! I’ve always suspected that b****'s been two timing me with that raspy voice mother****** Johnny Age ever since I tripped over a wet skateboard that was left in my front porch!? It also seemed obvious when I came home late one night & caught my wife pleasuring herself to Johnny Age on Raw! I remember I told her if she ever sees him again she can GO **** HERSELF!....Bad idea!!
R.V.M Kai asks: Is there anything that makes you happy Jim? Surely you can't be angry all the time?
Watching the Oklahoma Sooners play; Boomer Sooner!!!! Watching old rasslin tapes of Mid-South & UWF; Bill Watts is a booking genius! I also like building things like barns; any man that can't handle his own tools is NOT a real man! There's also nothing more satisfying than beating my meat & producing BBQ sauce! And I enjoy having wet dreams about Dark Journey; the sexiest bald woman I've ever seen!
...And don't call me Shirley!
Gay Popeye asks: Well blow me…….down! Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk! Hey Angry Jim! I’ve often watched you on WWE & you look so BIG & BURLY! Have you ever thought of wanting Gay Popeye to give an inspection of your poop-deck! If you know what I mean? Wink Wink.
What!? No! Go **** yourself! Not me! I may of not have ****ed my wife for years but I'm not that desperate you son of a *****! Maybe call Hollywood John, he might be into that ****!
R.V.M Kai’s edit: Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but the thought of Gay Popeye inspecting Jim's, or Hollywood John’s, poop-deck disturbs me.
Jack Hoff asks: Angry Jim. How fat are you? 300 pounds?
Not as fat as your Mama is!! Go **** yourself!
To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.