RD: Dixie Carter=Super Genius!

Oh this won’t do, this won’t do at all!

Raging_Demons here yet again kids and this time I have to write something that I got to tell you all about. I have the biggest case of Writer’s Block ever, and I haven’t the foggiest of what to write on. At first I had an idea that somehow would revolve around Kelly Kelly and Stephen Colbert, yes THAT Stephen Colbert, on how Kelly Kelly outranked Colbert on the MAXIM Hot 100 list (Kelly Kelly is #39 while Colbert is…#69).

Then I thought I would write about Kelly Kelly and Brooke Hogan since recently both blondes together have and will screw up pro wrestling in ways that not even me or an ass hungry Michelle “Skeletor” McCool could ever think about. Or maybe how Brooke Hogan is really going to screw up TNA since she has no pro wrestling job experience at all!

Then it hit me.

Damn it Dixie Carter! What have you done?!?!

For years the geekiest and the nerdiest and the poindexteriest of the Internet Wrestling Fans had always complained on the Internet via YouTube, Group Boards, online chat, or whatever these nerds chat on they always had posted that “they can run a better show than they (in this case TNA) can.” The perfect defense for these posers has been mostly because these dweebs have no business experience at all which makes all of these “well I can do better” posts utterly useless. [But still highly laughable - PB]

Now thanks to TNA and more specifically Dixie Carter (because her name was mentioned in various news reports) when she hired Brooke Hogan, a person with no pro wrestling job experience at all save her name being “Hogan”, she basically opened a gigantic Pandora’s Box of grief and misery from us, the normal fans, because now the Internet Wrestling Nerds can claim they can actually run TNA since she hired a certain failure of a singer and Paris Hilton clone that is named Brooke Hogan!

Now that Brooke Hogan’s a member of the TNA roster not only has every nerd on the planet protested their hate for this BRILLIANT business decision and have started to gear up the whole “oh this is how I’ll change TNA” crap but this time we got actual people in the business complaining about it now!

I’m not kidding.

This is going to get worse!

Much Worse!

So after thinking about this for awhile now I’ve figured out that besides bitch slapping Dixie Cater into some sense (because if I did that I would go to jail and that would be a really, really bad thing) you either try to stop the nerds posting their inane thoughts or…You go on the offensive! That’s right, the “Brain Trust” that is me who is HIGHLY EDUCATED…Well somewhat educated…Okay barely educated, will try to out-think the nerds, Dixie Carter, & anybody else by coming up with some winning; yes winning ideas that can turn TNA around. Because hell, if TNA can hire a person with no job experience like Brooke Hogan (who didn’t get the job because her daddy is Hulk Hogan, Hell No!) then surely they can take business advice from one Raging Bartholomew Demons!

1. Missed Opportunity

We all know that Matt Morgan is about to leave TNA sooner or later because he’s fulfilled his contractual obligations and the “rumor” is that he could be heading to WWE. Adding to this Morgan has, or in this case HAD been the face for TNA’s biggest sponsor to date “Direct Auto Insurance”. So here’s what I’m thinking:

Matt Morgan vs.

Flo from Progressive Insurance and

The Geico Lizard

In a 3-way Match! Think about it. We could have Matt Morgan ultimately squashing the competition’s mascots to show the superiority of Direct Auto. It could give them the advantage and the name recognition they need! Screw the comparisons of the Nacho Man/Huckster crap years ago on WWE! This is true business promotion here in the making folks!

2. Hey If It Worked For…

Okay if I bring up the names Kim Kardashain and Paris Hilton what would you think of immediately? Whore? Talentless? Needs to Die? Yes, Yes, & if I answer that I could get into trouble so I won’t mention it. So what if I add Brooke Hogan to that mix? Brooke Hogan did tell TMZ one time that since her music career flopped she was thinking about becoming “the next Paris Hilton” so I was wondering what if we took that just one step further.

Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton got famous by doing porn so…How about a Brooke Hogan sex tape?!? Brooke has no talent like Kim and Paris; Brooke had everything given to her like Kim and Paris, so let’s push it even further by getting her to do some porn! Hey the fans were pretty creeped out when daddy Hulkster groped Brooke inappropriately while applying sunscreen to her and papa Hulk has his own sex tape, so let’s keep it in the family with a little incest porn! Hey, it’s popular in certain areas which eventually send people to jail so why not add a celebrity sex tape to that!

3. Create Something Freaky And I Mean Really Freaky!

Pro Wrestling and real life sometimes can be eerily similar in certain instances. Sometimes for an act to be noticed you just have to dress up really bizarrely. Worked for the rock band “KISS”, Elton John, & David Bowie while Lady Gaga takes her 5 steps further to cover up the fact that she can’t sing by doing something really attention getting by riding in a giant egg or wearing a meat dress. And likewise WWE and Dustin Rhodes had success for years as “Goldust”.

So...Here’s what I’m thinking:

We make either Mickie James and/or Christy Hemme the “freak show singer”! Think of it: Both of them want to be famous singers; Christy in rock and Mickie in country. Why not add the freaky-deaky part of it?

Unfortunately with the current generation being desensitized as they are today and going through Lady Gaga’s crap PLUS having fans that lived through the “OH SO FINE” booking of Vince Russo, they are not going to take with mostly anything that TNA Creative will put out there so we need to create something that will make eve the normal non-wrestling fans go “HOLY S*&T!” We could steal from “South Park” and make one of them addicted to abortions? No, wait we’ll let Mickie James be addicted to abortions! Well “rumors” have it that Mickie James is “one beer can short of a six-pack” and she has Tweeted about it even though it was in a jokingly sort of way and Country Music needs to be shaken up a little bit when Lady Antebellum and Taylor FREAKING Swift are there. Okay we have Mickie “I’m addicted to abortions” James set but what about Christy Hemme? Hrm…

Lisa, play me my thinking music!

That’s it! We make Christy Hemme the “Lady Gaga” of professional wrestling but we turn her up to the umpteenth degree! If Gaga wore a meat dress then Christy wears the cow! If Gaga wants to ride in an egg then Christy will ride on an ostrich wearing an egg salad dress! If Gaga wants to wear stupid outfits by going to the 7-11 we can have Christy go naked everywhere she goes! It’s perfect! Fans will not only buy Christy Hemme’s albums but people will flock over to TNA to see what nutty thing Christy will do next! That’s sheer marketing genius I tells yah!

4. It’s Trending!

Pro Wrestling has taken advantage of Social Networks for years and just recently WWE and TNA have started to embrace it even to a point that WWE has invested into Twitter financially as well. So I’m thinking that TNA needs to take things one step further by TNA going with whatever is trending and turn it in a positive. Angelina Love was trending awhile back for getting fired by TNA so they should do THE OPPOSITE by re-hiring her back THEN re-firing her ass again! Forrest Griffin was trending so TNA should get him to be on their show and have them compete against Kurt Angle or have him do something stupid like Griffin spanking Kurt Angle or something. There was a hash tag trend called “#20PeopleImHappyIMet” so Bully Ray should do a promo all about the 20 people that he was happy to meet and make it a 1 hour promo!

We live in a modern world where everything and anything is trending based on whatever newsworthy or something completely stupid happens because someone wants to be noticed, so TNA should take advantage of these trends DAMN IT!

5. If All Else Fails…Lie Like A Mother!

Sometimes you realize what you have to do to create a LITTLE situation to give you attention. That’s what Alan Alda did in “Canadian Bacon” when he faked information thinking Canada wanted to declare a war on the U.S. You think this whole DIRECTV deal with Viacom (of which Spike TV, the network that airs “Impact Wrestling”) was all a ploy for Viacom to get more money? OH no-no-no-no you foolish people. This is all Spike TV’s brilliant idea to get people to watch Impact!

So you are probably thinking how does this get people to watch Impact when people can’t watch it? Social Media BABY YEAH! First we have Dixie Carter and various TNA talents “rally” if you will via the Twitter/Facebook or whatever to “say” “Oh please tell DIRECTV you want to see Spike TV”. With TNA talents and Dixie's rallying fans, will go online to watch on SPIKE TV’s website or download episodes via iTunes. THEN you get fans watching Impact by the previously stated reasons, get a rally going, petitions written and submitted then WHAMO! Built in interest for TNA and thus a loyal audience that will do anything for you!

Well, assuming this is TNA the odds on that this plan happening is like, what, a billion-to-one. And besides, most people will go after saving Snooki, Stephen Colbert, or bad re-runs of “The Game” more than anything so the odds on that are highly likely. But the plan is perfect now that the DIRECTV and Viacom feud is done meaning fans are now interested into watching "Impact Wrestling" now thanks to this "plan".

I mean come on Dixie! These have to be the bestest best ideas to come around for the pro wrestling business in days, no wait, weeks, NO, months, forget it YEARS Dixie! YEARS! I mean I would had sent any of these ideas over to the rating/network hungry Ring of Honor or the creativity lacking WWE as of late (John Cena as the RAW “Money In The Bank” winner? Really?!?) but I chose you Dixie and; TNA for a reason. That reason is that you, Dixie Carter, are a SUPER GENIUS! You’ve hired someone with no work experience, you set up your own version of “Tough Enough”, hell, at times you made sure that your brand is rarely heard which I might say is a fine accomplishment.

Then again…What if Dixie Carter is actually doing a double reverse on the Internet fans? Who on earth would hire Brooke Hogan out of all people, a person with absolutely ZERO job experience in pro wrestling! Is Dixie like some idiot savant or something? Did Dixie somehow actually do something good based on the idiocy that she created? Maybe all of my ideas that I’ve supplied here will help her or maybe it’ll ruin TNA again?

I’m scared to even say this but…What if Dixie Carter knows what the hell she is doing? That’ll scare you now doesn’t it?

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