I do this from time to time when I recap Reality TV Shows that feature pro wrestlers & well in this case I’m not sure you would call this “Reality TV” or “pro wrestlers”. More like “used sex toys from ex-WWE employee Johnny Ace” in this instance. Yes you & I are going to follow WWE’s latest train wreck away from wrestling itself “WWE Total Divas”.
Now “Total Divas” is on the “E!” channel which airs Reality TV all the time & it’s the home of their greatest masterpiece “Keeping Up With The Kardashians!” They call pro wrestling awful, try watching this show! They had one episode where the Kardashians skanks had a vagina sniffing contest to see which one had the better smelling one & I’m not MAKING THIS STUFF UP! E! comes up with some of the most awful pile of crap that you ever see in Reality TV they will give anyone a show. Hell they gave a show to one of the members of the infamous “Bling Ring” of all Christ’s Sakes here and now they decided to give WWE a Reality “Scripted” TV Show (it means that even though it looks like a Reality TV show its scripted just like any other show out there but the only difference is that this is crap.) where it follows their WWE “Divas”. Yeah that’ll be more fun than Mike Check in a helicopter!
Before we get to the recap a little note here; “Divas” to me are women that are TRAINED as a pro wrestler & can actually-you know-wrestle! “Un-Divas” are women that are NOT TRAINED as a pro wrestler & they were hired because of the Diva Search or they were dancer/model/whatever looks good in a bikini & they can’t wrestle in a ring even if you put a gun to their heads. So…enjoy
Episode 1: “Welcome to the WWE” or “Urge to Hate The Bella Twins…Rising”
We start off the show with The Bella Twins introducing themselves & how they are ALL over the place. The Bellas tell us that Nikki is the LOUD one (RD: Yeah I bet she is!) while Bree is the quiet one. Bree then gives us the shock answer saying that when she tells people that she is a WWE Diva they are in shock (RD: More likely when they see one of their matches which are HORRIBLE! The Bellas are currently right now the worst Un-Divas to step in the ring ever. Their botches are legendary. Wanna know the reason why they are not in a WWE ring more often? That’s your reason right there; they are the biggest screw ups in pro wrestling ever! Oh and by the way nice shot of Katarina “Winter” Waters in there during their intro package.) Nikki says that she’s addicted to the energy of the fans, goes into the typical crap of WWE, says that she is a “sports entertainer”, & it’s “Broadway with Body Slams”.
(RD: Okay first of all if you’re going to do the typical WWE corporate crap it should be done in this way:)
Dad from Taz-mania: “Now you see here son WWE is one of the major sports entertainment blah-blah-blah organizations out there. WWE blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah, duh blah-blah-blah, yackety smackety!"
(RD: See? All better. Also The Bella Twins come out to a song called “You Can Look But You Can’t Touch” which is basically what you hear in a strip club. Since when is that Broadway?!?)
The Bellas THEN mention that they were gone for a year and the rest of the WWE Divas are pissed now that they are back. Now we move over to The Funkadactyls Cameron & Naomi. Cameron & Naomi talk about how Cameron’s the mouth (RD: Yeah I bet she is!) & Naomi’s the action. (RD: By the way this is Cameron’s second Reality TV Show since her last one was “Tough Enough” in 2010 & she got eliminated in Week 1 for being “Divalicious”.) Cameron describes how Naomi’s got a fat ass while Naomi uses that as her finisher called “The Rear View”. The Funkadactyls says that since The Bellas left WWE they took their spots now so The Bellas better watch out! (RD: More exciting than Mike Check in a helicopter. Continue.) Cameron describes the hierarchy of pro wrestling which starts out as the “Face of the Company” which are The Bellas, the mid-card which are The Funkadactyls, and you have the veterans which lead us to…
Natalya Neidhart. (RD: Is it me or do any of you freak out when you see Natalya at times. She is the child of one Jim Neidhart. Sometimes I see Natalya with Jim Neidhart’s goatee & it freaks me out at times.) Natalya brings up her background & her relation to The Hart Family & her dad of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. Natalya says she’s been training & working in a wrestling ring for 13 years. Cameron says that they are entertainers, they don’t have to train, they are entertainers, they have to go in there & kick some ass. (RD: Uh…in pro wrestling you have to BE trained to be in the ring. That’s why she was eliminated in Week 1 folks.) Nikka says that they have to go out there to perform & be good that what they do & she’s proud to be a Bella twin & if she wasn’t one well then f**k. (RD: E! bleeped that. Oh & Nikki Bella to quote Angry Jim Ross, Go F**k Yourself!)
WWE Total Divas entrance of relative (RD: but thankful) shortness!
We’re in Tampa, FL as The Bellas head into a WWE NXT Developmental training area. Nikki said The Bellas were burnt out so they quit WWE but now they had the time to recover & they are back. (RD: Are you sure your back because WWE is the only place that you & Bree can work & that you two couldn’t find anything else while you were away? Because that sure feels like it because both of you had NOTHING going on job wise. All I can remember is one signing appearance that was in my “backyard” Frank & Sons in City of Industry, CA & that’s it. I’m just sayin'.) The Bellas are happy to be back in time for Wrestlemania 29 while we see them “train” (RD: More like murder) in the ring. The Bellas are bitchy right now because one of them wants to eat while the other says that she’s “PMS-ing”. (RD: E! Channel folks!)
MEANWHILE! The Funkadactlys are at a gym training & Cameron’s bouncing around like a 5-year old drinking a can of soda while Naomi’s telling her to relax. Cameron’s so happy that she will be wrestling at Wrestlemania 29. (RD: First of all I thought you were ENTERTAINING? Second of all I remember Cameron’s wrestling on “Tough Enough” & it was ugly. Really ugly.) The Funkadactlys are training with Jimmy Uso, Naomi’s fiancé, & Jimmy’s trying to get them ready for Wrestlemania. Cameron says that they both complement each other really well.
MEANWHILE! Natalya’s training at a WWE NXT facility too with NXT Head Trainer Bill DeMott while Natalya’s dad Jim Neidhart & Tyson Kidd watching what is going on. Natalya gives us what’s going on with Wrestlemania since there’s only going to be one Diva’s match & every WWE wants that match. Natalya says that many people though with her being a part of The Hart family she had easy connections but instead it was the opposite & she had a hard time getting anywhere. (RD: Well that & I’m betting she doesn’t put out like SOME WWE Divas. Just sayin’….Michelle McCool. That’s all.) Natalya worked all over the world before getting into WWE. “The Anvil” tells Natalya to work on her facial expressions as she continues to train.
At some mansion as Nikki is with thisone person. That person is known as a lot of names: “SuperCena”, “Kal-El”, “The Last Son of Krypton”, “We Hate Cena”, “Jesus Christ”, yes Nikki Bella is with John Cena. Cena’s trying to teach Nikki how to fish the normal way (RD: Not his way which is shooting the fish with your Heat Vision.). Nikki says that she & Cena are in a relationship & she’s happily in love &...it’s JOHN CENA!!!! Cena & Nikki kiss then after that Nikki says they are like the movie “The Notebook” & Nikki wants to re-create the classic scene where they make out in the rain. Cena agrees & they re-create the scene with Nikki saying that Cena’s so sweet.
OVER to San Diego, CA Bree is at her apartment with one bearded wonder himself Daniel Bryan. Bree says that he & Daniel (RD: My “RD Experiment” buddy.) have been together for over two years. Bree & Daniel take the dog for a walk & considers taking the dog with her to Wrestlemania. Bree once again mentions how she & Nikki are so different even when they both live a mile apart from each other. While Bree & Daniel are heading towards the Farmer’s Market; Nikki pulls up in a very expensive Range Rover that Cena bought for her. Nikki shows off her new car to Bree & Daniel & mentions that she’ll be “breaking in the back seat soon”. Bree says that they both wanted a Range Rover for years so she’s happy for Nikki. Dinner time with The Bellas, their mom, & Daniel; Bree mentions that this is a “serious gift” for Cena to give to Nikki. (RD: Yeah because that means Cena’s expecting sexy time & for Nikki is important because Earth girls are very fragile for Kryptonians. Like steel cutting through paper.) Nikki says that it’s complicated but she tells US who’s watching about Cena’s divorce & how damaged he is now so it’s going to be awhile for him to heal. Daniel thinks it’s odd that Cena gave Nikki a car but Nikki thinks it’s the car first then the ring later.
Now we’re here at Madison Square Garden in New York, New York as Natalya greets WWE Head of Creative Stephanie McMahon (RD: Stephy Bear to you & me) talking business. Natalya talks about this business side of WWE & how they have to do a lot of things before a show happens & since this is the start of Wrestlemania week people will be fighting for those spots. Natalya gets a visit from WWE Talent Relations Jane Geddes & she tells Natalya that she won’t be performing at Wrestlemania. Natalya is devastated by the news. Natalya asks if there will be a Diva’s Match & the reply is it will be a Mixed-Tag Match with Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins versus Brodus Clay & Tensai & The Funkadactyls. Natalya says that she’s pissed that The Bellas were gone for a year but now they are back & they are throwing their weight around & it’s pissed her off even more so that she trained THEM how to wrestle. (RD: You also forgot Natalya that one of them is nailing Cena.) Oh & Jane also mentions that instead of being in Wrestlemania Natalya will be mentoring a couple of NXT Divas & teaching them the tools of the trade as well. Natalya is PISSED OFF at this news. (RD: I don’t blame her.)
We’re back as we are introduced to the NXT Divas Eva Marie & JoJo. Both of them are talking about how this is a new experience JoJo jokingly says she hopes she packed right. MEANWHILE while Natalya is getting briefed on her assignment Bree “coincidentally” walks in on their conversation, Natalya doesn’t want to see Bree right now. Bree & Natalya greet each other, Natalya congratulates Bree for being in Wrestlemania & mentions the new NXT Divas coming up, and Bree then gives a “whatever” look. The NXT Divas walk in & they are greeted by Jane Geddes while Natalya walks the other way. The NXT Divas are getting what they need but Jane pulls Eva Marie away & asks her that maybe Eva Marie, a red head, should change her hair to blonde; Eva Marie kind of understands the change because she could be mistaken as a Bella Twin but is not happy about the change. Jane leads the NXT Divas to meet Natalya & Bree. Natalya is cordial to the NXT Divas & Jane mentions to Natalya that WWE wants to make Eva Marie a blonde, Natalya wasn’t happy to hear the news but she’s nice about it, Natalya tells US that she understands the change but they have a blonde & it’s her! Natalya tries to convince Jane that Eva Marie looks okay as-is.
Couple of days passed by & Cameron sees her boyfriend in her hotel room who flew in to see her at Wrestlemania, Cameron says that her boyfriend Vincent never saw her “Craft”. (RD: And by craft I mean butcher pro wrestling.) Cameron also says that their relationship is kind of new but Vincent has a way to balance her out. They just saw each other but Cameron has to leave Vincent to go for Wrestlemania Dress Rehearsals.
At Madison Square Garden where the dress rehearsals are happening & Natalya wants to do rehearsals for Wrestlemania so bad but she ended up not only “babysitting” the NXT Divas but also Cameron’s boyfriend Vincent as well. The Funkadactlys are coming back from rehearsals upset; Cameron hugs Vincent & says that she was yelled at by Brodus Clay saying that “They Suck!” (RD: I never liked Brodus Clay before but now I’m a big fan of his!) Vincent wants to fight Brodus Clay over upsetting his girl. (RD: First of all Brodus Clay is WAY bigger than Vincent & second of all Brodus used to be Snoop Dogg’s, sorry Snoop LION’S, body guard so if Brodus can survive that Vincent is an idiot for wanting to fight him.) Vincent takes Cameron over to the corner & Cameron cries over Vince’s shoulder. Vincent is going nuts & he wants to take out Brodus while Jimmy & Naomi slowly walk away from then, Naomi says that she’s connected to Cameron career wise but an incident like this could get her fired. (RD: YAY!) Jimmy’s trying to talk Vincent not to fight Brodus, Vincent says he’s going to f-up Brodus now; Natalya’s trying to calm Vincent down which see does successfully. Jimmy & Naomi left the arena, Jimmy asked Naomi what happened, Naomi tells Jimmy what happened. Jimmy sides with Brodus but not how he handled the situation, Naomi says that Cameron shouldn’t brought Vincent backstage in the first place. Naomi is going to have a talk with Cameron about this.
We’re back & The Bellas want to check out the NXT Divas especially since word is going around that Eva Marie looks like a Bella. Nikki basically throws a fit & asks why WWE would hire someone that looks like her! (RD: "Uh…maybe she’s way more hotter, way more skilled, & maybe….oh I don’t know…trying to bang the main eventer!") The Bellas knock on each hotel room door until they the NXT Divas & Nikki is JEALOUS of Eva Marie while she thinks JoJo is like “a little girl with a big smile”. Nikki tells her that she has to be blonde & Eva Marie just agrees with it, Nikki thinks Eva Marie is going to be trouble. The NXT Divas are supposed to follow The Bellas today which Bree respond with a catty insult. MEANWHILE Naomi visits Cameron to have that little talk. Cameron tells Naomi that Brodus screwed up & he blamed Cameron for it. (RD: Like I said before, this is the reason why she was eliminated at Week 1.) Naomi tells Cameron that what Brodus did to Cameron was wrong but bringing Vincent backstage was also wrong as well, Cameron tries to defend Vincent’s actions, Naomi tells Cameron that bringing Vincent backstage must not ever happen again, Cameron goes “whatever”.
2 days until Wrestlemania 29 & The NXT Divas go to a hair salon where Eva Marie needs to change her hair color. AS the hair stylist slowly strips the brunette away from Eva Marie’s hair she sees what’s going on & does not want to be blonde.
Back at the hair stylist & Eva Marie wants to be a redhead a-la Rihanna. The stylist works on Eva Marie’s hair & she loves it. The NXT Divas get a call from Jane Geddes wanting to see Eva Marie’s hair. So the NXT Divas see Jane & she’s kind of shocked that Eva Marie didn’t go blonde, Eva Marie says the blonde wasn’t working for her & the red head shows off her personality. After looking at it for a bit Jane Geddes…likes it. Jane says even though Eva Marie got lucky she HAS to listen to what WWE says.
At a major party & The Bellas are surprised that Eva Marie went redhead. Natalya’s hosting the Red Carpet event & she’s not happy with it. (RD: Let’s see here. Push all the hot chicks & let the worker do the rest. Yeah that sounds right for WWE.) During the party The Bellas are talking trash on The NXT Divas. (RD: Wow. Jealous much?) Nikki says the NXT Divas need to “know their roles”. Nikki yanks the NXT Divas away from a photo opportunity, which Eva Marie is pissed off about, & the NXT Divas had to stand there & watch The Bellas take photos, which Eva Marie says the Bellas had their one chance. (RD: Damn does Eva Marie have an attitude?!?)
Day before Wrestlemania & The Bellas are having lunch. Bree says she’s going shopping for a wedding ring soon with Daniel; Nikki’s jealous of Bree. Bree asks Nikki if Cena’s a little bit gun shy, Nikki says yes & is concerned when she should walk away. (RD: Like maybe say…When you have a lot of money & Diva Title reigns. Right Michelle McCool?”) Bree tries to be optimistic about Nikki.
Backstage for Wrestlemania & Naomi checks on Cameron & Cameron’s a wee bit touchy especially since Naomi asked her to talk to Vincent. Cameron’s gets all defensive about the situation & we have a Funkadactyl verbal bitch fight. (RD: *sigh* Cameron just being in WWE proves that Johnny Ace had a casting couch.) After the verbal bitch fight Naomi tells Cameron that she’s got issues & she needs to get things straightened out since it’s her problem now. Nikki has dinner with Cena & she has a plan to find out if Cena wants to marry her. Cena tries to be flirty but Nikki kills the mood trying to find out if he’s ready for marriage again, Cena says that “he’s tried it once & it didn’t work out”, Nikki says that now that she’s found the right man she can see being married to him. Cena tries to explain that marriage & family are difficult issues for him. (RD: “Seriously. His dad sent him to Earth on a rocket, the girl of his dreams divorced him. Come on Nikki!”) Cena says that Nikki has made him enjoy life more, Nikki says that Bree & Daniel’s relationship is making her jealous. (RD: “Well that & she can SMELL the money & job security!”)
Wrestlemania time & the fans are in attendance! The Bellas are getting ready. Wrestlemania is about to start soon. Natalya meets up with the NXT Divas & they are watching it from the box seats. The Bellas are watching the Team Hell No/Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston match for the WWE Tag Team Titles & The Bellas have about some emotion as a trout in your local Seafood Food Section. High-Fives for The Bellas due to Team Hell No successfully defending the titles. The Bellas are walking around in their ring gear while The Funkadactyls aren’t since theirs aren’t ready yet. The Funkadactyls are pressuring the seamstresses to get it done since they literally don’t have anything to wear. The Bellas pass by & they get bitchy to The Funkadactyls, Cameron tells The Bellas to keep walking or else it's on like Donkey Kong!
We’re back & during The Undertaker/CM Punk match the seamstresses are trying to get The Funkadactyl’s costumes done fast since they are next. The seamstresses finally get The Funkadactyl’s costumes done in time just as Undertaker Tombstones CM Punk. Natalya acts happy for the Mixed-Tag Match is supposed to happen next but instead we get Cena/The Rock. Natalya wants to know what’s going on so she & The NXT Divas went to see what’s going on. They find The Bellas & The Funkadactyls to find out that their match was cut. (RD: “Fan wise let me say this. We didn’t give a damn about this match.”)
Back from break & The Bellas blame Undertaker/CM Punk for going longer than expected. (RD: “Yeah! Blame two great wrestlers for putting on a match & taking time away from 4 horrible women Un-Divas!”). Nikki is about to cry, Naomi walks out, Cameron follows her. Cameron finds Naomi & she’s crying over not performing at Wrestlemania. Naomi heads back to the women’s locker room to cry it out & contemplate her future. Cameron tries to make Naomi feel better with Layla El right next to Naomi. Cameron finally makes-up with Naomi & she’ll talk to Vincent.
End of Show
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