Batman: The Movie (1966) (Part Two)
"The
Dynamic Duo faces four supervillains who plan to hold the world for
ransom with the help of a secret invention that instantly dehydrates
people."
67 minutes
[Part One, in which the Dynamic Duo are saved by an almost human porpoise.]
[Part Three, in which the Boy Wonder helps kill radioactive goons.]
Vince gives himself applause. "You Also Can't Get Rid of RD". Vince gives him boos.
Former WCW Head Writer Vince Russo finds writing about a Batman TV series is "the most ridiculous thing in the world", even more so than wrestling. He does it extensively anyway since he knows RD does too on his end.
The Duo do a choreographed walk around Gordon's office to confirm "his blackest fears" of what they are up against.
Gordon: "The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!"
Batman: "We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over... "
O'Hara: "Take over what, Batman? Gotham City?"
Batman: "Any two of them would try that!"
Gordon: "The whole country?"
Batman: "If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be...the entire world."
The villains are in fact next planning to strike the United Nations World Organization, headquartered in Gotham. (:09) Catwoman is upset at the men for letting the Duo escape. Penguin: "Passing porpoises which intercept torpedoes! There ought to be a piscivorous statute!" He plans to send his exploding octopus after them. Riddler thinks they should trap and launch them using a riddle from the Joker's "Jack in the Box" into the octopus. To do this they need Catwoman as Kitka to help kidnap Bruce, poor multimillionaire.
RD wonders how Bruce would not notice Kitka visiting Stately Wayne Manor was Catwoman, much like how Gordon doesn't notice Bruce was Batman. Kitka tells him his picture is a constant presence in the Moscow Bugle. Vince thinks it's because of his philanthropy. I think it's for the Soviets to highlight the decadent actions of a capitalist proletariat playboy or so. She also has some riddles that she wants to give to "that masked Cossack Batman". Bruce is thinking too much on wanting to take her to dinner to notice the way she replies "purrr-fect". Vince thinks he knows who she really is but he doesn't want to think it.
Bruce has Alfred cancel his earlier plans (Mrs. Deal thought it was another date) then goes down to the Batcave to figure things out with Robin.
Batman: "What has yellow skin and writes?"
Robin: "A ballpoint banana!"
Batman: "What people are always in a hurry?"
Robin: "Russians!"
Batman: "Now what would you say they mean?"
Robin: "Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!"
Batman: "Precisely, Robin!"
He vows to protect Kitka for "being in favor of international relations", or he will bash Riddler "brutally". He asks the two to follow him and Kitka on their date (after he makes sure Alfred has his driver's license), then leaves via the Compressed Steam Batpole Lift.
Bruce's attempts to woo Kitka at dinner (:20) include two buccaneers as violinists and sitting in a horse-drawn carriage. The Batmobile follows them slowly, driven by Alfred wearing a derby and a Lone Ranger mask with his glasses over it. At a rather dingy nightclub they dance to the tones of Julie "Finella" Gregg, sadly singing to a somewhat bad song instead of doing any odd poses.
Bruce: "This curtain which separates our countries is so foolish. If we could
just contrive some way of getting more deeply involved with each other."
Kitka: "Da, we must search for such a method."
She whispers something to him as Robin and Alfred watch in the Batmobile from a rather weird camera angle. Robin wants to leave them be to call Gordon to light the Batsignal to draw out the criminals (Alfred likes to watch) as they pass the Benedict Arnold monument. RD: "What kind of city is this?" Vince is confused by their usage of stunt doubles in wide shots of the carriage.
Kitka: "I close my eyes and l dream of all those savage Cossacks racing over the steppes on their brutal mission."
Bruce: "How strange. I close my eyes, and I dream of something quite astonishingly different."
Kitka tries to discreetly use her Cat-Transmitter to inform her colleagues while holding Bruce and making cross-eyed smiles. Bruce continues to keep his eyes closed: "It approaches a climax."
At her penthouse Kitka finally kisses Bruce, then goes to change while he has his cocoa. Even Robin who is still watching all this on camera has his limits, to the displeasure of Alfred. She appears wearing a rather sensual pink robe that overwhelms Bruce so much he recites a few lines of Poe. At least he still has his book smarts. Vince thinks RD should do the same with his wife.
Before they can get any summit going the others villains break in through the window, descending on the Penguin's flying umbrellas while wearing masks for some reason. Bruce vows to kill them all for his Bat blue balls before fighting in a style that looks strangely familiar to Batman's. Let me clarify. Adam West fights in a style that looks strangely familiar to Batman's, and he does a good job of it outside the suit and cowl and stunt double. But he gets overwhelmed, and Robin checks too late to find they are gone.
Robin: "Holy demolition!"
Alfred: "Bless my dustpan!"
RD was saddened Catwoman was not riding side-saddle on an umbrella.
At the lair the villains are confused by Batman's lateness. (:36) Bruce continues to vow death and destruction if Kitka was harmed, so Catwoman has him blindfolded to see "her". RD is confused why he still hasn't made the connection yet after seeing the two with his own eyes. Vince thinks he's too in love. "Love is blind." RD: "And so is Bruce."
Bruce: "This nasty soup we're in is largely of my own brewing."
Kitka reassures him that Batman will come to save them. Not expecting him to show up, Bruce has his eye-rolling "captive" get his hidden transmitter up his shirt sleeve. "Capitalists, like myself, who carry large sums of money, often have such safety contrivances."
This cues yet another fight with West. Since he is actually fighting this means the villains have to take their turn with obvious stunt doubles. In the confusion a goon is sprung out the window into the exploding octopus. Bruce runs out, searching for Miss Kitka, before jumping out a window onto a roof and then into the sea. He reemerges at Stately Wayne Manor completely dry, assuring Gordon who is there waiting for him that things are fine.
The villains lament yet another plan failing, so they have to resort to the Commodore's secret ingredient invention: instant whiskey maker total dehydrator. (:45)
Penguin orders Riddler to fetch goons dressed as guinea pigs, then zaps them into piles of dust that can be later rehydrated back to normal form. He orders the piles kept in separate vials which he will take with him as part of his plan to infiltrate the Batcave from the inside: "Careful, careful, every one of them has a mother." Catwoman just brooms them up all haphazardly anyway.
The Duo arrive at the dock and take their time on a barely connected Batarang to climb a low wall.
Robin: "When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four
supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing someone hasn't already reported
this place to the police!"
Batman: "It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions."
Robin: "Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!"
But if one was sober, how would they able to write this show and movie? And would alcohol help Robin not turn to male pattern baldness again when at the top of the wall?
Also somebody popped their head out of the window, but neither myself or the Bros could find out who it was. Perhaps we can attribute that to alcoholic delusions.
Inside they only find a lit giant bomb. Batman tells Robin to retreat to a safe distance while he...first tries to find Kitka. Unable to find her, he has to pick up and carry the bomb because of a nearby band playing another bad song (but on purpose). He tells the crowd to disperse as he goes through quite the sequence as the fuse continues to tick...only to be stopped at the last moment by ducklings.
Batman (to the camera): "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!"
But of course he succeeds, dumping it in some materials offscreen to cover the blow.
Robin: "Holy heart failure!...You risked your life to save that... riff-raff in the bar!"
Batman: "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're also human beings - and may be salvaged. I had to do it!"
Suddenly the Penguin shows up dressed as Schmidlapp and asks to be taken to the Batcave. (:56) Even Robin recognizes who he really is: "Holy costume party!" RD is confused: if they can recognize him, why then do they not recognize Kitka as Catwoman?
They can't take his fingerprints because he's burned them, so the Duo have to confer on other ways of identification. Penguin (overhearing): "RETINAL EYE PATTERNS?" He somehow knows they can do that in the "fabulous" Batcave. What he doesn't know is they will have to gas him for the privilege, or even what gas does (usually) despite having using it plenty of times before, including the previous series episode he was in. Penguin: "What dutifully strange customs you colonials have!"
The Bros feel Joker is not being used as much as he does, with most of the action being done by the other three. RD wants a figure of his stunt double. Still they love the movie so far. Vince wishes to find bloopers and outtakes.
Channel Attitude is finally going live and is supporting clips of the video progrem and others.
- Special Guest Villains: Catwoman [2] (Lee Meriwether), The Joker [4] (Cesar Romero) [4], The Penguin [4] (Burgess Meredith) [4], The Riddler [5] (Frank Gorshin) [5]
- Screen Captures: 3. RD, RD, RD
- Fact or Fiction: 2
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